by Nana Malone
Free even.
For just a moment, I wanted to pretend that we were on one of our photo excursions in the city. I wanted to pretend she was teaching me to see the world through her colorful eyes.
But then she started to shift beneath me. "Sebastian, you’re heavy—"
“Shit, sorry.” I disengaged myself then took a second to steady myself on my feet. Fuck, I might actually die from an orgasm.
“Stay here.” I didn’t like how cold I felt the instant we were separated. But I took the opportunity to go into the bathroom and grab a couple of warm washcloths. When I returned, I cleaned us both. “Listen, I need to stay at the ball for at least another hour, but why don't you meet me in my chambers. You can use the south hidden tunnel. Then we can—”
When she turned around, I stopped short. She didn’t look expectant and happy. Instead she looked … distant. “Sebastian, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
My body suddenly went rigid, and I pulled away from her warmth. Everything in me screamed to stay, begged to hold her, prayed that I could let some of her light and warmth seep into the cold darkness that was my heart now.
But anger and betrayal still coursed through my blood.
You can’t have her.
She wanted me but didn’t want me. I was the fool who’d believed her when she said this was real. "Don’t. I don't want to hear it. This—" I gestured between us. "—was clearly a mistake. It was a slip. My dick doesn't seem to know any better. This won't happen again.”
My own words slashed through me as the anger made my hands shake. What the fuck had I just done? I’d managed to ruin weeks of steeling myself against her. I’d be fucking starting all over again.
I watched as she tugged down the skirt of her uniform. Fuck me, just seeing the knife strapped to her garter made me swell again.
No, asshole, you’ve done enough tonight.
As she adjusted her clothes, I tugged mine into place, and then I ran from her as fast as I could. I only just managed to convince myself that I didn’t hear her sob as the door closed behind me.
What the fuck did I just do? Yes, we’d found a truce of sorts in London, but then, I'd seen her ex’s hands on her at the party. She’d looked upset, so I followed her. I’d taken the hidden hallways in the castle until I caught up with her.
It was so stupid, but I’d needed to touch her. I’d needed to be inside her. Yeah, and you also needed a condom.
Ice hit my veins. Shit. My helpful brain offered up the memory of our last time together when we hadn't used one. I hadn't been thinking clearly. Shit, shit, shit. But I didn't have time to ruminate on that because Ashton stepped out of the shadows as I rounded the corner.
“Well, if it isn't His Royal Majesty."
“What do you want? I have guests.”
"I wanted to see what the king was up to, Cousin. Or maybe I wanted to wish the king a happy birthday. Or maybe I wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't had much opportunity to see you since you've come back."
Had Ashton always been such an asshole?
Yes. He has.
How much had I overlooked through the years because he was my cousin? Too much. I suddenly remembered Len, terrified in the elevator when she'd said a relative had locked her in the closet when she was little.
That story was true. Ashton had locked Penny in a closet in one of the staterooms in a largely unused section of the castle. I'd found her in there after several hours. She’d been so cold, frozen in shock. I'd been so worried. But she'd trusted me, placing her tiny hand in mine and allowing me to get her some blankets and call her parents. I shook off the memory with a shiver.
"Again, what do you want?"
My cousin sneered. "You know that vote won't go your way."
"We'll see."
"Your father was a fool, and if you think I’m going to let a usurper take the throne from me, you’re out of your mind."
“You mean me?”
“Excuse me?” Ashton said, brow drawn down tightly in a frown.
“I am the one on the throne. Therefore, I’m the one who should worry about a usurper. But you know, thanks for being upset on my behalf, I guess.”
“Let’s just say I’m aware that you should be worried too, Cousin.”
"Well, I don't know anything about that. But the point is my father wanted this. So I’m going to make this happen."
"You think you're so clever. No bastard will ever rule this kingdom."
"It's a good thing I make the laws and I can change that."
"You make all the laws you want. But it won't come to fruition unless the Regents Council backs you. And we won't. So I hope you had fun with your whore mistress, but I won't see this country in the hands of someone unworthy. I will call for an unseating first."
I scowled at him. That had only happened once in the islands' history. “You’d still need the council's voting support, so good luck to you, Cousin.”
16
Penny
I couldn't stay. I knew it. Not after what just happened. I'd finally gotten what I wanted in life: my family's respect and for people to stop looking at me as Calamity Penny. I'd fallen in love. Real love. That was better than I could've ever hoped for.
The problem was none of it was real. I’d lost Sebastian. And the rest of it was a lie. I'd done everything wrong. I didn’t want this. I wanted the dream I'd found in New York City. And after what just happened with Sebastian, I knew I couldn't trust my feelings.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
I whirled around on the balcony to find Lucas leaning against one of the pillars.
“Lucas." I was so relieved to see a friendly face that I ran and threw myself around him. He squeezed me back tightly. “What are you doing here?”
"I spotted you in the ballroom. You were looking very professional. Like a badass assassin. I didn't want to interrupt." He tugged on one of my now loose curls. "The bun was working for me. What happened? You were giving off this totally hot librarian vibe. What happened to it?"
I swallowed hard. "The bobby pins were killing me," I lied smoothly. "I needed some fresh air. It was very crowded in there."
He smirked. "Or you wanted to fuck Sebastian senseless."
My eyes went wide. "I did not orchestrate that."
Lucas just laughed. "I know. I could see the look on his face. He misses you.”
"The hell he does. If he missed me, he wouldn't treat me like this." I frowned. He still hadn't answered my question.
Lucas shrugged. "Well, unfortunately, missing you is also tied up with everything about this place. It has nothing to do with you exactly."
"Of course. He misses his father. He doesn't want the responsibility of being king, for sure. And then there’s me. I've tried to keep out of his way, but the more I try to avoid him the more he’s there. He put me on his personal detail."
He shook his head. "I heard about that. Just so you know both Roone and I gave him shit for it. When are you going to realize that even if you're trying not to see him, he's most certainly trying to see you, subconsciously at least? He's grieving. He lost his father. And he lost the woman that he loves."
A harsh laugh tore out of my throat. "He does not love me."
Lucas shrugged. "I wouldn't be so sure of that if I were you."
"Well, he's got a funny way of showing it." I shook my head. "How did this get so messed up?"
"Well, for starters, you chose the wrong guy. If I had a woman like you, I wouldn't let her get away. I'd be holding on tight. You know, come to think of it, if you need a hug, I'm available." He spread his arms and gave me a cheeky grin.
I rolled my eyes. "You're incorrigible."
"Well, you know what they say. The best way to get over a painful breakup is to have hot, sweaty sex." His gaze slid over me. "Well, it looks like you've already done that. But I meant have hot, sweaty sex with someone other than the person who broke your heart. I'm volunteering as tribute. What do you say?" He winked at me.
I laughed. "You know, I have actually missed you."
"I'm sorry about, you know, back in New York, when I gave you the third degree. I’m like a dog with a bone."
I shrugged it off. "It's okay. I was lying."
Lucas nodded. "Yes, but you weren't lying about caring for him. I see that. I'm sorry he's being a dick to you."
"I deserve it." I leaned over to Lucas and gave him another tight hug. Just being held felt nice, but he wasn't the one I wanted. "Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I'm heading back to my house to get cleaned up. Then I'll head back to the ballroom."
"Do you want me to walk you home?" He arched a brow. "And by walk you home I mean—"
I laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "You go try your winning lines on the fair maidens in the ballroom. I'm going to clean up. See you back in there."
Lucas grinned. "That's my girl. Save me a dance, would you?"
"We'll see."
Too bad he was wrong about how Sebastian felt about me.
17
Sebastian
I’d gone from hopeful to surly in those moments with Penny, and suddenly I was regretting the stupid ball. All I wanted was to be alone with some scotch.
I took a deep breath before stepping foot back into the ballroom. My mother was on me immediately. "Sebastian? Are you okay? And what happened to your hair?"
I slid her a glance even as I tugged on the sleeve of my tuxedo. "I'm about as good as you are." I left the hair question alone. There would be no good way to explain it.
She nodded. "Well, there are still a few appearances you have to make. It's your birthday, the twenty-sixth, so it's tradition. You can probably slide out of here in another hour so if you can just hang in there."
I took her hand. "Mom, you realize not long from now I’ll be coronated and officially become king. You don't have to take care of me. You're the Queen Mother. If you're tired, tell everyone to piss off and go to bed."
She gave me a semblance of a smile. "The queen regent would never say anything like that. I am exhausted though. And sad."
"That, I understand."
I started to move away but she held on to my hand a little longer. "Princess Charlotte of Norway was looking for you."
I sighed. "Right. I promised her a dance."
She studied me for a long moment. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do either. You can tell everyone to piss off."
For the first time in a while, I laughed. "I guess I can. But this would have been important to Dad so I have to try.”
My mother was detained by the ambassador to Thailand. My gaze scanned the room, and I immediately located Princess Charlotte. And for self-preservation, I headed in the exact opposite direction. I was in a hell of a mood.
"You are a hard man to get a dance with."
I turned to find a svelte blonde standing behind me. She was tall too, and very beautiful. "I'm sorry, I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting yet."
"No, we haven't. I'm Eliza. I'm Prime Minister Geneese’s daughter."
The British prime minister … This was his daughter? How in the hell had I never noticed before? Of course, she was beautiful. I hadn't known she would be attending. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Princess Charlotte trying to catch my gaze so I deliberately pinned my attention on Eliza. "Eliza, would you like to dance?"
I took her hand. She was warm and solid, and I led her to the dance floor, easily taking her into my arms. My brain rebelled against the fact she wasn't Penny. I could still smell her, and I needed to exorcise her. So I danced and gave everyone just the right amount of attention. Just not too much, keeping room for my own life. Playing the part. Except you're not playing anymore. Now you're actually the king, and now it matters. But I didn't want it to matter. I didn't want any of this to matter.
There was a part of me that still rebelled against the idea of my father being gone, against the responsibilities that were now sitting on my shoulders. I wanted to speed the pain part right the fuck up. And I knew exactly how to do that.
After a few dances, I led Eliza off the dance floor. She gave me a wide, unabashed smile. "Uh oh, I think all these other women are jealous." She was grinning up at me, but the warning bells were going off in my head. She's angling for position. But it didn't matter. She was a way to dull out the noise, the constant cacophony and screaming in my head. The king is dead. Long live the king. The king is dead. Long live the king. Some days it was all I heard. My father and I had just been coming to terms before he died. I hated that I never got a chance to say I was sorry. Too late now. I shook my head to shake the thought.
No. All I had to do was drown it out. Silence the grief and my need for Penny. I knew exactly how to do that. By being the old me.
* * *
Penny
I stared at my uniform on my bedroom floor. I didn't even want that stupid uniform.
This job was not what I wanted. But somehow, after going to New York, the dreams I’d thought I could attain were no longer my reality.
I couldn't be with him. I couldn't be an artist. Those things weren’t in the cards for me.
Ironically, while in New York, the future I'd been dreading returning to, the one where I was the worst Royal Guard known to mankind, that was gone too. I’d saved Sebastian. Together, Ariel and I had done what so many hadn't been able to do for his father.
And now of course, there was that encounter in the office. I hadn't been able to keep my hands off him, which was what was plaguing me at the moment. He was the king, for the love of Christ. It was one thing when we were in New York; I could write that off as pretending to be someone else. It was another thing being at home and allowing it to happen. I needed to stop being the family embarrassment. I had just stopped being family screwup. I was finally getting recognition for what I was doing, even though it wasn't what I wanted to be doing.
I wiped my tears away and dropped my uniform in the dry-cleaning shoot.
No, my life looked nothing like I’d imagined it would. All that had changed after coming back from New York. I'd promised myself that as soon as I returned home, I was going to get a place of my own. But everything had moved so fast. And the plans Ariel and I talked through were in the dust. Now I was just in some sort of horrible limbo. One where I waited, hoped, and prayed for Sebastian to love me back, but where I also waited, hoped, and prayed that he wouldn't.
The anger and the derision I felt in his gaze would all be a distant memory if I left. I’d seen the hurt tonight. He thought I was rejecting him. But how could he not see that tonight was all I could ever be to him? Stolen moments that could blow back on a lot of people.
But where would you go? The phone rang and I had half a mind to just ignore it, just let it ring out and try to go to bed. I knew better. I couldn't ignore it. Someone needed me, so I picked up the receiver. "This is Penny."
The woman's voice on the line spoke clipped words. "There is a request for a chauffeur tonight at the royal chamber of the king."
Immediately, the butterflies in my belly danced. Had he requested me?
You know he didn’t. If he wanted you, he would have called your cell phone. But he didn't. He just wants a ride.
Sebastian wasn't calling me for a booty call.
I had no choice. It didn't matter that my body was throbbing from what we'd done earlier or that my heart was aching from when he’d said we were done. The pain still coursed through my body, but I'd done what I had to do.
I took off my pajamas, put my bra, my day uniform, and my proverbial big girl panties on. No way was I putting tonight’s uniform back on. I was pretty sure it smelled like sex and bad decisions.
When escorting His Royal Majesty, the car of choice was an armored Mercedes. They had twenty, one for any member of the royal family who might need to be transported somewhere. I grabbed one of the cars before driving over to Sebastian's private quarters. When I showed up, Sebastian opened the door, and he wasn't alone.
The pit in my stomach grew, and tears welled in my eyes. Do not cry. You will not cry for this man. Just don't do it. Suck it up. Be an adult. "Your Majesty, I understand you requested a car."
He nodded. "That I did.”
* * *
Sebastian
I led Eliza out of the ballroom, away from the party to a private balcony.
Eliza stared around. "Wow. I mean, I'm used to staterooms and fancy dinners and things, but this palace, it's like something Louis XVI would've lived in."
I laughed. "This is hardly the Palace of Versailles. It is beautiful though. My great-grandfather built it for my great-grandmother. She was French. He wanted her to feel at home."
"That's very romantic. Like the love story of the Taj Mahal."
I laughed. "Sort of."
Eliza stepped up to me and grabbed my tuxedo lapels. "So tell me, Your Majesty. Exactly what was your plan, whisking me away from the party and bringing me here? Why did you want some privacy?"
And this was the moment of truth. I'd made a mistake before by tasting Penny again. She was all I could smell, taste, and think about. I needed to forget her.
I hesitated a moment too long, and Eliza looped her arms around my neck, stood on her tiptoes, and brushed her lips over mine.
The man I used to be wanted to claw his way to the top, to come to life and take over, and pretend that everything was all right. Pretend that I didn't give a shit. Pretend that she was someone else, that she was the woman I loved.
That wasn't me anymore. Penny had changed that. Fuck, just thinking about her made my body come to attention, never mind that I’d been inside her not thirty minutes ago. My physical reaction did not escape Eliza.
She drew back and gave a wide grin. "Oh boy. I can’t wait to see if it’s true. The cocky royal and his big dick."
I coughed. "Excuse me?"
She laughed. "Sorry. But that's the rumor. I mean, it's not like you haven't screwed your way through Europe, Asia, and America. The legend of your bedroom prowess is epic. And I, for one, can't wait to find out."
