by Nana Malone
Lucas sobered. "Motherfucker."
I nodded. "That’s basically what I said. Ethan’s on it. We’re gathering proof. Don't worry. You'll get used to it. Are you sure I can’t convince you to stay longer?"
Lucas nodded. "Yeah, I’m sure. I need to get back. I love this island. And the women.” He bit his knuckle. “The women. But I need to go back to real life."
"Fair enough. We'll keep shit under wraps for as long as we can. Within the next couple of days, you'll have a security detail.”
“Jesus, nothing says subtle like my own personal James Bond.”
“They’ll be discreet and plainclothes most of the time. If I didn’t think you’d hit on them all the time, I’d give you a female detail because they stand out less.”
“Yes. Female detail. I’m a fan of this.”
I sighed. “We’ll see. In the meantime, I’m sending someone back with you. More to come in a few days. Then once finals are done, I’ll get you sorted with a new place. Partially for your safety and partially because I want your life to be as comfortable as possible. It’s what our father wanted.”
Lucas blinked rapidly before finding his shoes suddenly very interesting. “I don't know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t even know him.”
“Maybe not, but he was still your dad.” I cleared my throat. “Okay. You sure you don't want me to come to the airport with you?"
Lucas grinned. "Aww, you trying to tell me you’ll miss me, big bro?"
I shook my head. “Not at all.” I already felt like a piece of me was missing.
“Good. Me neither.” He paused as if struggling to say something, which, for Lucas, considering how much he talked, was a miracle. “Listen, man. About Len, er, Penny.”
“Don't. I already know I fucked up.”
His dark gaze met mine and I watched as my brother went deadly serious with me for a moment. “If you don’t get the stick out of your ass, someone else is going to come along and won’t mind playing second fiddle in her heart.”
Mother. Fucking. Direct. Hit.
* * *
Penny
“What the hell are you doing in here?”
Robert leaned back in a chair with his feet up on the desk. “Penny, that doesn’t look like happiness to me. Why aren’t you happy to see me?”
“Robert, you and I have nothing to say to each other, especially not after everything we’ve been through.”
My ex kicked his feet off my old desk and pushed himself to standing before sauntering over to me. “It looks like we have plenty to say to each other. What? Did you think I’d let you get away with fucking the prince and not telling anybody?”
I quickly glanced towards the door and saw it hadn’t closed completely. “Would you keep your voice down?”
His chuckle boomed inside the office. There were three desks in there: one for the queen’s personal secretary, and one for each of her personal guards. I’d popped in to catch up with a couple of my old coworkers. Being back here was such a little thing, but it made me feel like myself again, or at least like my old self. Content. I didn’t feel like a fraud in here.
My time in this office were the days when I was bad at my job and perfectly comfortable being so. Okay, maybe not exactly comfortable, but at least I had accepted it. With my new status, I was always just a little bit off-kilter.
Robert laughed and crossed his arms. “I mean, aren’t you supposed to be in the king’s office? What are you doing here?”
“It’s none of your business. I came here to get something.”
“I know. I’ve been watching you. I actually wanted us to talk since you wouldn’t speak to me at Sebastian’s birthday ball.”
I frowned at him. “What do you want to talk about? We have nothing to say to each other at this point.”
“I beg to differ, Penny, considering how I found you wearing nothing but a sheet in His Royal Majesty’s apartment. Imagine the things I could say. Imagine the things I could do.”
Icy despair and fear twined around each other, forming a knot in my gut. “Why would you do that? After everything, why would you try to destroy me?”
He leaned forward so I could feel the kiss of his warm breath. “Because you don’t even know what you have.” Then, as if recognizing that he’d lost his composure, he stepped back and tugged down his blazer. “I’m not going to say anything … yet. Right now it still suits me for the world to see you as a conquering savior. So, I’ll use that to my advantage.”
I blinked at him. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, you didn’t understand where this was going? I’ll keep my mouth shut if you incur a favor for me with the king. I just want to be put on his detail and be given access to all the best assignments. I want you to be my little bird in his ear. See? You’ve already done that job. It’s not at all difficult.”
“You’re insane. I was doing my job for the king. What happened was an assignment.”
“How does His Royal Majesty take it that you were fucking him for an assignment? You know what that makes you, right?”
I raised my hand so fast I didn’t even realize I was doing it, but Robert caught my hand easily. “Tsk, tsk. It’s not the time to lose your temper. Maybe you thought you were doing it for the noble cause of our people. But all that makes you is a whore.”
“Fuck you.”
“Don’t you wish you could?”
“No. Some of the luster of that wore off after I saw you making out with my brother.”
“Is that why you’re so angry, because Michael and I shared a kiss? What happened between me and your brother is none of your business.”
“No. You’re right. It is none of my business, except that you betrayed me with my brother. Both of you betrayed me. And now you’re standing in front of me basically trying to blackmail me to get close to the king. You know what? You can feel free to kiss my ass. Tell everyone, tell no one, I don’t care. I won’t do it.”
The corner of his lips tipped up into a twisted smile. There was nothing funny about that smile. Nothing at all. “I have pictures of you standing there in your sheet, kneeling in front of him for all to see as if you were ready to give him a blowjob.”
My mouth hung open. “What?”
He nodded. “I don’t know what possessed me to take a few with my phone, but it certainly looked like it might come in handy … at times like now. So like I said, I want premium access to His Majesty. You will switch over and hand off as many duties as you can to make that happen.”
“That’s not going to happen. You can share your pictures. I don’t care. I was a laughingstock before. It won’t matter if I am again. Go ahead, Robert, do your worst. I frankly don’t give a shit.”
And with that, I left the queen’s offices. I tried hard to ignore the shaking in my legs. My throat worked to swallow the bile. I forced myself to remember that none of this was real, none of it mattered. If my parents found out about me and Sebastian, well, it wasn’t going to feel good. But it’s not like they were going to kick me out. I’d messed up in the worst way possible because now, not only was I a fuckup, I was going to bring my whole family with me. What the hell was I supposed to do?
* * *
Penny
I’d finally decided to get my life in order. I needed to clean up my room and get everything organized. I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to do about Robert too. Ariel had a good point. He was a blowhard. He mostly wanted to be seen. I don’t know how I never saw it before. How had I only ever seen the part of him that I thought was kind, that I thought was open?
It turns out you only see what you want to see.
After all, wasn’t I doing the same thing with Sebastian? I kept on wanting to see the man who loved me, the man I’d met in New York. But back in the Winston Isles, with the warmth of Caribbean waters, and the heat of the island sun, he was a different man. This man looked at me with anger in his eyes and something else that I couldn’t quite place. This man wan
ted me, but he didn’t want to want me. He was pissed off about it. But that didn’t stop him from touching me. And because I’d fallen in love, like an idiot, I was letting him treat me like dirt. A tear managed to escape its confines at my lids. I was not going to cry over that asshole. I was not going to cry over Robert. I was done with crying over men. I didn’t need any of this.
What if you just walk away from it all and start fresh? Start over?
I decided to finally finish unpacking from the New York trip. I’d unpacked most of my things, but there was one carry-on that still had stuff in it because I’d been too busy and too tired from chasing after Sebastian. I had to get it done. When I got it emptied and shoved the carry-on under my bed, it caught on something, and I had to bend down to squeeze it in the space. That’s when I saw the pair of ripped panties from the night in the office with Sebastian during the ball. They must have fallen out when I was sorting the laundry. Shit, they were even more evidence that I had no idea what I was doing with my life and that I needed to get it together.
“There you are. I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
With a start, I jumped up and shoved the panties in my back pocket.
My mother frowned at me even as she laughed. “What are you hiding behind your back?”
My heart rate picked up, and I had to work to calm my expression. “Nothing.” Oh yeah, real smooth. “I mean, nothing at all. What did you need?”
My mother was no fool, though. “Penelope Ann Marsh, you will tell me what you were hiding.”
“I will do no such thing Mom. I am an adult. You know, never mind that I live at home with my parents and I also work for them, but I am still an adult and I don’t have to tell you anything.”
She lifted a brow. “Is it drugs?”
“No.”
“Is it alcohol?”
“Mom, seriously. I’m above the age of consent. I can drink if I want.”
She shrugged. “I’m actually disappointed it’s not liquor. Man, I could use a drink. Obviously, the queen has been distraught over everything that’s happened, but she’s still had to receive visitors and diplomats, and take on more affairs, so she’s been a tad testier than usual. And while we’re friends, we’re not friends, so I can’t really tell her she needs to see a therapist.” My mother rambled on, and I took the chance to breathe, wondering what I should do with the panties in my back pocket. Should I attempt to throw them out the window and then risk finding them in the morning or act as if nothing was wrong and continue with my unpacking? But what if she saw the bulge in my back pocket?
So with those thoughts running through my head, I stayed exactly where I was. “Mom, I mean, you’re her friend, and you guys talk, right?”
Mom stopped talking for a moment. “Yes. And she has confided in me, you know, when everything was happening with Sebastian. She was beside herself.”
“Have you talked to her about anything personal?”
She nodded. “Yes, of course. Your father; you, when you were off chasing Sebastian; your brother and his weird bouts … Of course, I talk to her.”
“Good. Then you actually are friends, and you can suggest that maybe she might want to find someone she could talk to.”
My mother lifted a brow. “When did you get so smart?”
I loved her, but I had to get rid of her immediately. I mean, how many other girls my age had to even think about their mother possibly finding the ripped panties that their not-quite boyfriend had snatched off of them?
“Oh, it turns out I’m not that smart. I just can use my logic for other people.”
My mother gave me a bright smile and then sat on my bed. “And while I appreciate the excellent advice from my beautiful, smart, and vivacious daughter, if you don’t tell me what you’re hiding in your back pocket, I will tickle it out of you.”
My mouth fell open. “Mom. That’s a low blow. You know how ticklish I am.”
“Yup, sure do, and I’m not above using it for my own ends.”
I opened my mouth to give her some shit, but then something happened. It was as if the little fissures in my control and my ability to hold it all together, exploded into a million different shards. “Mom, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Her brows snapped down immediately. “Sweetie, what’s going on?”
And then it poured out. Every single thing that I’d been holding in since my birthday came tumbling out, except for Michael’s involvement. I told her about how I saw Robert kissing another guy. I told her how that had been the catalyst for my leaving. I told my mother everything about how I’d fallen for the prince. And while I left out all the dirty little details of our encounters, I told her how when we returned to the islands, we hadn’t stopped our physical relationship. And the worst thing was I said it all in one giant sob. As my body shook and tears spilled from my eyes, I made my confession to my mother.
For a long time, she sat silently and watched me, listening intently to every word. She let me get it all out and said absolutely nothing. When I finally felt like I was completely wrung dry and emptied of all emotion, she exhaled with me and then took my hand. The first words out of her mouth were, “I knew that guy was gay.”
I blinked at her several times. “Wait, out of that whole thing, all you got was that Robert was gay? How does that even matter?”
“Oh, it doesn’t. Honestly, I hope he finds happiness. He didn’t seem happy trying to be with you and be everything his parents wanted him to be. I hope now that he’s found someone, he can actually get some peace.”
I had no idea what to say except, “Oh!”
She cocked her head though, and added her caveat. “Now, I wish your sorry ex had done that on someone else’s watch. He could have saved you a lot of heartache. As a matter of fact, the way he did it was also the height of assholery. And frankly, I can have his ass.”
“Mom, don’t.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t. I’ll behave, but I could end him. He deserves it.”
I love my mother, but she was sort of known for her retaliation methods, so part of me feared for his life.
“As for the rest—”
“Mom, I know. It was completely irresponsible, and I could bring shame on the family. Please don’t tell Dad.”
She just coiled one of my curls and attempted to tuck it behind my ear, but of course, the corkscrew just sprang free again, pointing in whatever direction it felt like. “Baby, why do you think I’m disappointed?”
“Mom, I slept with Prince Sebastian. Not just once, but more than once. As a matter of fact, it’s like a raging habit that I can’t seem to stop. Every single time he touches me, it’s like—”
Holy hell, was I just telling my mother about my sex life? How was this my life? “I think I’ll just stop there.”
My mother wasn’t mad or embarrassed. Actually, she had a wistful smile on her face. “Oh gosh, I remember forbidden love.”
I lifted my brows. “Excuse me?”
“Sweetheart, you think your father was the only man I’ve ever dated in my life?”
“Oh, well do tell.”
“There was a young man before your father. He was actually studying to be in the seminary. We had a wild affair. There’s a certain thrill of the forbidden.”
“Ok then.”
“Since then, I can’t really go into a church without thinking about him once or twice.”
And #dead. “Mom!”
She laughed and shrugged. “What? I had a life. But the whole point was I burned out. After a while, you want to stop hiding.”
She was right. “I want to stop hiding. It doesn’t feel good. I mean, it feels good … ”
She laughed and held up her hand. “Please, spare me the details, but I can imagine. How are you feeling about the rest of it? The hiding and the secrecy?”
“That’s part of the problem. I also know there is no way we can ever be together, and I know that he’s angry with me for taking the job for his father. He’s taking
out some of his grief on me, and it just doesn’t feel good to lie to myself. That almost feels worse than when I was lying to him, and that felt terrible. It’s his right to be angry, but I don’t even think he’s angry about the lying. I think he’s angry because his father sent me, and there’s nothing I can do about that. His father can’t apologize, so I’m bearing the brunt of that anger.”
“Of course he’s very emotional right now. I mean, you know how the aristocracy works. You two can’t … There’s no future as the laws are currently written.”
“I know. Trust me. All of this? I know. I’ve been over it a million times.”
“Then what do you plan to do about it?”
I pulled the torn lace from my back pocket. “I think maybe it’s time for me to leave … for real this time. I don’t think I was ever supposed to be a Royal Guard.”
20
Penny
Three days later and I was still trying to figure out a solution to my Robert problem. And the solution sure as shit wasn’t giving him whatever he wanted.
“So exactly what is happening between you and king got-a-big-dick?”
“Oh my God, Ariel, keep your voice down.” I knew nobody was around, but still, the last thing I needed was for someone somewhere to overhear anything and then run to my father. Then there would be gossip, and rumors, and shame. I needed none of that in my life right now.
“I’m sorry,” she mock whispered.
“It’s fine. I’m just, I guess considered—I don’t know. Things are already difficult, and I need to figure out what I’m going to do.”
“I mean … ” She shrugged. “You could stop.”
“Yeah, I’ve tried that. But if get near him, it’s like my skin is on fire.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “Look, I know when I said you needed more hot sex in your life you took that to heart. But I mean, is this good for you?”
