About the book
When Eppie falls into a pot hole and gets squashed to the size of a strawberry, her brother Zeke decides to have some fun with his yoyo. What follows is a hilarious high tale of escape, theft, bullies, brats, dobbers, goody-goodies, garbage trucks, magic lamps, scabs, snot, bribery, bravery, a blind mum, a fat nurse, a skinny teacher and a boy on a bicycle covered in vomit - and that’s only the beginning!
Contents
Cover
About the book
Title Page
Dedication
My Sister’s a Yo Yo
About the Author
About the Illustrator
Other works by Gretel Killeen
Copyright Page
More at Random House Australia
For
Ezekiel and Eppie Doo Dah
GK
It’s not often that the entire universe explodes into smithereens and splatters cows and gizzards and bananas and ears all over the galaxy … and it wasn’t happening today either.
Zeke was bored. He’d been sitting in the car for a dillion years waiting for his mother to find her glasses.
She’d put them down inside the house somewhere and she was searching high and low — but if you can’t see a thing when you’re not wearing your glasses, how are you ever going to find them?
So Zeke was waiting for his mother to drive him to school, but at this rate she’d be driving him to university.
Zeke had absolutely nothing to do.
His mother had said, ‘Don’t get out of the car’, so he was sitting there with nothing to do.
Slowly he wound the window down, and then he wound it up.
Then he wound it down again, paused, and wound it up once more.
He pretended to get his hand stuck in the window, then he picked his nose and ate the snot.
Then he pretended the car was a spaceship and he was flying to his very own powerful planet where the only things anyone did all day long were watch television, drink Coke and not clean their teeth.
Then he got bored again, so he did a little fart, and then he imagined that all the air had gone from the car and he was dying of suffocation (this actually wasn’t very hard), and then he stopped, and burped the alphabet.
Then he breathed out deeply, rolled his eyes and checked under the car seats for jewelled boxes of hidden treasure, and that’s where he found his favourite thing in the world.
That’s where he found his yoyo.
Zeke sat and held his yoyo for a while.
And then he got bored.
Then he wound the window down again, leaned outside the car and played with the yoyo.
He spun the yoyo as far as he could and it came back faster than a speeding bullet and donked him on the head.
Then he fell out of the car. And landed in a pot-hole.
Zeke sat dazed in the pot-hole for a while but then he got worried about his mum finding him so he imagined that he was Superman (or some other superhero who didn’t actually wear blue pantyhose with undies over the outside) and used every rippling muscle in his awesome body to climb out of the treacherous chasm.
When he’d finished, he got dizzy again, crawled off the road and sat down on the footpath.
He just sat, sat, sat … and then of course he got bored again.
And that’s when he spied his sister, Eppie.
Eppie was in the front seat of the car staring at him. She’d actually been sitting in the car the whole time but Zeke never paid her much attention because he didn’t think she was very important. In fact Zeke and his friends believed that all girls were unimportant and useless for just about everything. But there was one thing that Eppie was the best in the world for … and that was being teased. (Ah yes “teasing”: an ancient and excellent form of entertainment for brothers and sisters of all ages.)
‘Hey, Eppie, want to catch my yoyo?’ Zeke yelled.
‘Mum said we have to wait in the car,’ bossed Eppie. ‘And if we get out of the car and start being naughty she said she’ll be so absolutely furious that even the ants in our pants will run away.’
‘I’ll give you a million dollars if you come and play with me,’ Zeke persisted.
‘Don’t be dumb, Zeke,’ said Eppie.
‘All right, I’ll give you ten million dollars’
‘Oh, okay,’ said Eppie.
So Eppie started to climb out her window, and she was nearly through when her foot slipped on the door handle, and she fell straight out of the window and landed head first on the road, in that very same pot-hole, with just her legs and her feet poking out.
Zeke thought Eppie looked the best he’d ever seen her until moments later a truck carrying a house ran right over the top of her and squished Eppie to the size of a strawberry.
Well Zeke took one quick look at his shrunken, upside-down, strawberry-sized sister and said, ‘Mum’s going to explode.’ Then, before Eppie had a chance to even begin to cry, Zeke took a very deep breath and said, ‘I suggest we make the most of our remaining minutes of freedom and try to have some fun before Mum comes out and kills us. What do you reckon?’
Eppie immediately agreed with Zeke (but that’s because she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about).
‘Okay, Eppie. Stand right there, and let the games begin,’ said Zeke as he looped his finger into the yoyo string and then swung the yoyo as hard as he could towards his little sister. But just when Eppie was about to catch the yoyo, Zeke suddenly tugged as hard as he could on the string, and pulled the yoyo away.
He laughed at Eppie of course, because she looked so silly grabbing at the air, and Eppie pretended to sulk of course, and then she said she didn’t want to play anymore of course, and that she was going to tell Mum that Zeke had got out of the car.
‘And what are you going to say happened to you?’ Zeke demanded, looking straight at his berry-sized sister.
Eppie started to sob, great big little-girl sopping wet tears (not little little-girl sopping wet tears), and each tear was nearly as big as her head, and Zeke was worried that Eppie would drown in the flood and then he’d have no one to tease.
And so he said in his nicest voice, which he only used when he really wanted something, ‘I’m really sorry for laughing at you, Eppie. I promise I won’t do it again.’
And Eppie was bored so she said, ‘Oh, okay.’
‘Now this time just stand there, and we’ll see if you blink,’ Zeke said as he whirled his yoyo right near Eppie’s face. But Eppie blinked, and Zeke called her a scaredy cat, and then he got bored again, and she got bored again too. They were going to pick a fight in fact, just for something to do, but instead Zeke said, ‘I’ve got an idea: I’ll whirl the yoyo on your head!’
Their mum was nowhere to be seen.
She could have been sucked up by the vacuum cleaner.
She could have been swallowed by the sink.
She could have been eaten by the goldfish, or she could have blindly locked herself in the broom cupboard, thinking that she’d found the front door.
Whatever the case, Mum wasn’t nearby, so Eppie agreed to let her brother whirl his yoyo on her head.
So Zeke stood over tiny Eppie and took very careful aim, then he gently dropped his yoyo down the string, and whirled it on Eppie’s head.
And Eppie laughed, and Zeke laughed, and so they did it again.
Faster.
And they laughed.
And so they did it again.
Faster.
And they laughed.
And so they did it again.
Faster.
And they laughed.
And so they did it again and again, and they laughed until they thought they would split, and they did it again, one more
time, faster and faster and faster and faster, and that’s when they heard their mother finally coming out of the house.
‘Aaaaaaagh!’ screamed Eppie.
‘Aaaaaaagh!’ screamed Zeke.
‘Get back in the car!’ they both screamed.
Eppie went to run one way and Zeke went to run the other, but they only made it a few steps each before something suddenly stopped them.
Was it the hidden force of evil, or maybe guilt or fear? Or was it perhaps some invisible alien attempting to kidnap them for a rather huge ransom that their mother would probably never pay because it would ‘only encourage them’?
Or was it something far more boring?
Well yes it was something incredibly boring, too boring really to mention. It was Eppie’s hair tangled up in Zeke’s yoyo — but there was definitely no time to get her off.
Their mother was coming, they were going to get caught, they had to think quickly or else. Mum had said, ‘Don’t get out of the car’ but get out of the car’s what they’d done. And not only that but Eppie had shrunk and her hair was an absolute mess.
They could hear the clip-clop of Mum’s heels on the drive. They could almost feel her breath. In just a few moments their lives would be over, with probably no tv for a week!
Think, thought Zeke. Think, thought Eppie. Think, think, think, think, think.
Suddenly Zeke had an idea and quick as a flash he wound up his yoyo and Eppie as well, shoved the whole lot into his school bag and started to sing I Will Always Love You, that all-time classic by Whitney Houston.
‘Ah, my favourite song,’ hummed Mum as she fumbled her way out to the car.
‘Have you seen my glasses?’ Mum said to the tree, and sat in the back seat of the car. ‘Where’s the steering wheel gone?’ she continued to say before moving to the front seat to drive.
Anyway Eppie and Zeke didn’t get caught, and Mum drove them to school wailing like a police siren to warn people that she was approaching. When they finally got to school Mum said, ‘Have a nice day, try hard, be good, concentrate, eat your lunch, have fun, blah blah blah, I’ll pick you up at half past three. Bye, Zeke.’
‘Bye, Mum.’
‘Bye, Eppie.’
‘Bye, Mum.’
Mum continued to look for her glasses and kissed the car seat goodbye.
Meanwhile Zeke clambered out of the car with little Eppie in his school bag. By this time Mum had found her glasses on top of her head, but Zeke and Eppie had already gone into school.
In the playground Zeke stood wondering what to do. He had a sister the size of a nose attached to his favourite toy and stuffed in the bottom of his school bag.
Life was not looking good, especially when Joel Slime grabbed Zeke’s school bag for a joke and threw it way up in a tree, and the strap got caught on a high pointy branch, and Eppie just hung there, in the bag, swaying in the breeze until Zeke took a pot shot with a rock, and Eppie and the bag and the yoyo and the string fell back down to earth — with a thump.
Clang! rang the school bell.
Zeke was worried about his sister (but only because she might have splattered all over his lunch and he liked to eat enormous amounts and he didn’t have any money for tuck-shop and he couldn’t possibly die of starvation today because he was wearing embarrassing undies). So as all the kids filed off to class, Zeke ran to the toilets as fast as he could, opened the zipper of his bag and searched inside for Eppie.
The first thing he found was that his whole lunch was squashed and squished all through his bag, and the second thing he found was that Eppie was squashed and squished all through his bag as well. Strawberry-sized Eppie looked like fruit salad as she sat there all covered in banana.
She may have looked all cute and funny but Epppie was in a really bad mood. Zeke tried to pick her up veeeeeeeeeeery carefully, but she bit him hard on the finger and Zeke got such a huge surprise that he dropped Eppie down the toilet. PLOP!
‘Glet mle blout,’ Eppie gargled.
‘Not till you say sorry for biting my finger!’ Zeke yelled down into the toilet bowl.
‘Get me out,’ yelled Eppie, ‘or I’ll scream and scream and scream and scream until you go deaf and blind with shock and vultures come and nibble your eyeballs.’
‘Oh all right, be quiet,’ said Zeke.
So then Zeke got two strong sticks from the playground and used them like chopsticks to lift his sopping wet sister from inside the loo.
After she came up gasping and spluttering, Zeke turned the basin tap on ever so gently and stuck Eppie and the yoyo under the cold running water. They were nearly clean when he applied the soap for added shine and Eppie became as slippery as a slug, slipped through his fingers, whirled round the basin and nearly went down the plug hole.
But Zeke grabbed her as quick as a flash and actually saved her life. (He’ll never forget this of course, and will mention it once a day for the rest of his life, and twice a day at Easter when he’ll want some of Eppie’s chocolate eggs.) Then he dried Eppie under the hot air drier and put her in his pocket, blew his nose on some toilet paper, stuck that in his pocket too, and went to class.
On the way to his classroom Zeke got bored again (unbelievable I know, but some people do bore very easily). So he pulled the bandaid off his elbow and put it in his pocket, on top of the toilet paper and on top of Eppie too. Then he pulled the scab from his sore elbow and put that in his pocket as well.
When Zeke got to the classroom he sat down at his desk, found the chewing gum he’d stuck under his chair yesterday, and started to give it a chew. But before he’d even had a chance to make the chewing gum all soft again, his teacher, super-skinny Miss Snailheadface, called out from behind her desk, ‘What are you chewing, Zeke?’
‘Oh nothing,’ he replied.
‘Well get that “nothing” out of my sight, and put it away in your pocket.’
So Zeke took the chewing gum out of his mouth and stuck that in his pocket too, right on Eppie’s nose, and then the school morning began.
For most of the subjects Eppie sat quietly in the bottom of Zeke’s pocket. Then during maths she fell asleep, and during spelling she snored. And then during music class she danced and sang and no matter what Zeke did to shut her up she just would not stop. He tried to plonk her on the head with his pencil rubber. He tried squeezing her still with his fingers. He tried offering his sister a magic castle in the clouds. But Eppie just would not stop.
(It would have been all right if she’d been a gentle dancer and a quiet singer but Eppie danced like a milkshake maker and sang like a half dead cat.)
Miss Snailheadface asked, ‘Who is making that noise?’
And some loud-mouthed kid bellowed, ‘It’s Zeke who’s making all the noise, and check out his pocket. It’s dancing!’
Zeke could feel the eyes on him. He had to do something quick smart, so he rose from his chair and started to dance and sing like an opera singer with excited fleas in his navel.
Well Miss Snailheadface took one long look at Zeke dancing like a madboy in the middle of the class and singing like a fighter jet plummeting to earth, and she sent him off to see Nurse Chunkus, who worked in the school sick bay.
(Excellent, thought Zeke. Now I’ll have the time and space to undo Eppie, stretch her back to shape, send her back to her class, and then play with my yoyo.)
Zeke stood up to go to sick bay, pretending that he was disappointed and ill, and walked across the room like the dribble from a spilt milk shake. Then, as soon as he’d stepped out the door, he skipped all the way up to sick bay. He was happy and free and full of joy, until the bell went for recess.
Boring.
So every other kid in the whole universe ran out to play and Zeke had to sit there, waiting for Nurse Chunkus, having absolutely no fun whatsoever — and all because of Eppie.
‘Well then,’ said Nurse Chunkus, when she finally entered the room with a moustache of cream and icing sugar. ‘What seems to be the problem? I understand you ha
ve a jiggling lump in your side and there’s something wrong with your voice. Well, first things first: the lump.’
Nurse Chunkus made Zeke stand up and turn around and she said, ‘Oh yes, my goodness, look at that! You’d better take your shorts off, Zeke, and let me get a closer look.’
Take my shorts off! thought Zeke. I would rather be eaten alive by a golden cockroach than show this woman my bum. And then, like a miracle, the telephone rang, and the nurse left the room to answer it.
With Eppie in his pocket Zeke stood wondering whether or not he should take his shorts off, or just run as fast as he could to the hills of Transylvania where he could grow a horrible wiry beard, wear a silly hat, live like a hermit for the rest of his life and never ever get caught.
Escape sounded like the best option but Nurse Chunkus was talking on the phone by the front doorway and there was obviously no easy way out, so Zeke looked like he’d have, like he’d have to, like he’d have … to … of course, take Eppie out of his left hand pocket and put her in the right one instead. And so he did exactly that and then the nurse came back.
‘Well, Zeke, I told you to show me the lump,’ she said.
‘There’s no need to now,’ Zeke replied, ‘because as you can see, the lump’s completely gone. So can I go out and play?’
And Nurse said, ‘This is very odd. I’m sure it was there before,’ and she put on her glasses, the really thick ones, and made Zeke turn in a circle slowly.
He felt like a ballerina inside a music box (he felt like an absolute goose).
‘Ahah!’ shrieked the nurse. ‘I was completely right. There it is, on that side there!’ In fact she was just about to poke and prod with her fat sausage fingers, and fingernails like waterslides … when suddenly the phone rang again.
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