Zeke landed flat on his bum on the footpath, but Eppie flew through the air, bounced on the path and kept right on going. She and the yoyo paused for a moment on the edge of a crack, and then ever so slowly they began to roll gently down the hill. Faster and faster and faster they rolled, down the hill, past the principal’s car, past the school fence, past the big tree that gives you a rash, past the letterbox, past the corner shop, past the street corner, and smack bang like a ball at the bowling alley, into the pile of coloured glass bottles that were neatly stacked ready for recycling. Then Eppie boinged off the footpath again, over the road, under a car and way onto the other side of the black bitumen road.
By now Eppie’s hair was filled with sticks and twigs and she had two pebbles stuck in her ears, but still she rolled on and on. Past the haunted house where the noisy budgie lived and past Sam Stench’s house and past Arlette Button’s house and past Igor Watson’s mum who was standing in their front yard spying on her neighbours, and down and down and down the hill. Eppie just missed the man who was trimming the lawn with the loud and angry lawn mower, and she just missed a big blob of dog pooh.
Meanwhile Zeke huffed and puffed in hot pursuit hoping Eppie would finally slow down. But no sooner had she crossed the black bumpy road and landed with a plompf on the grassy nature strip, than a boy with a bike rode right over the top of her and she and the string and the yoyo too all got caught up in the spokes.
So off she went again, only much faster this time, and the boy on the bike didn’t know she was there as he rode up a hill and round a bend and imagined he was a speeding train. And Eppie just stuck there in the spokes, whirling and whirring around and around, wishing that the stupid boy on the bike would suddenly shatter into a thousand pieces, sell himself as a puzzle and then give all the money to her so she could buy a fizzy drink, a packet of chips and some bubblegum.
Yum.
But wait!
You see up until that moment Eppie had been feeling okay, even though she was whirling and turning and flying around like a mouse on a great big big-dipper, but when she started to think of the milkbar and the chips and the drink and the bubblegum, and the chocolate and icecream and popcorn and lollies, she started to feel a bit queasy. At first it was just an idea of sickness, but then it was a giddy feeling in her head, and then in her arms and legs and toes, and finally in her stomach. And Eppie’s nose squished and her eyes rolled back and her mouth opened wide and suddenly she threw up, right there and then, in a projectile vomit so big it nearly covered the universe.
The boy on the bike stopped with a screech as the lime green vomit covered him completely, from his sneakers to the tips of his hair.
(Now although this was absolutely gross, there was a positive side to the situation because the boy’s eyes were also covered in vomit so he couldn’t see a thing. This gave mighty Zeke his chance to run up to the bike and remove his yoyo and Eppie from the spokes without either of them being seen.)
And that’s what he did. He rescued his yoyo (and his sister) and looked forward to life getting back to normal. He had a grin all over his face, and his eyes twinkled and his cheeks were rosy and he was so happy he threw the tangle of Eppie and the yoyo up into the air with a happy happy whoop — and a crow that just happened to be flying past caught them both in its beak and flew back towards the school.
So Zeke ran again, chasing them all, and arrived back at school just in time to see the bird hover over the swings and carelessly drop Eppie and the yoyo onto the slippery dip.
They rolled down with a rush and, when they got to the bottom, they bumped into big Max Squish who was blocking the slippery dip and careered off the slippery dip and onto the see-saw. They rested there for a moment until Mary McNose decided to bounce with her bum on the other end of the see-saw and then with a sudden whoosh and zoosh, Eppie and the yoyo hurtled into the air once more, right on over the playground fence and over the tennis court where Eric Birdbrain was having a tennis lesson.
Eric saw Eppie and the yoyo coming towards his head and thought they were a tennis ball, so he got his racquet and swung it back and hit Eppie and the yoyo as hard as he could with the best forehand shot he’d ever done.
Eppie and the yoyo flew higher and higher and higher and higher, back over the fence and past the school and over the wide black road one more time. They hit an overhead telegraph wire and fell down from the sky and in through the sunroof of a passing fast red sportscar.
“Plop” they landed in the back seat where a small fluffy white dog gave them both the most enormous sticky licks as they drove on to the park. Then when the sportscar stopped at the park, the fluffy white dog grabbed Eppie and the yoyo in his teeth and leapt through the car window.
The blonde lady who had been driving the car got out as well, looked bug-eyed at her yappy fluffy dog and said in a high little voice that sounded like she was being sqeezed, ‘Oh my little sugar-poopsie-woopsie-doopsie-schnoops, what have you got there?’
And of course the dog didn’t answer (for a thousand reasons. Too many to mention.)
‘Give it to me,’ the blonde woman said as she stood there in her ridiculously tight t-shirt and unnecessarily short skirt. ‘Give it to me and we’ll play catch.’ Then she picked up Eppie and the yoyo in her suntanned hand with her long purple fingernails and without looking carefully or even thinking for one moment threw Eppie and the yoyo as far as she could across the big wide park where they landed smack-bang in a huge muddy puddle.
Of course the small white dog and the suntanned blonde woman didn’t want to get grubby, (not when looking crisp, blonde and groomed was really the only thing either had going for them) so they left Eppie and the yoyo in the mud.
Now Zeke, puffing like a sick kettle and sweating like cheese in the sun, saw Eppie and the yoyo lying there, and he crawled up to them exhausted. He picked up his yoyo and gave it a kiss, (making sure he didn’t kiss his tangled sister, because then he’d get germs and his lips would fall off and well, you know — the usual), and he said, ‘Oh my darling yoyo it’s so good to hold you again.’ (Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but that actually is what he said.)
Happy, Zeke started to walk back to school. He was completely content and grinning wildly at his yoyo and thinking of all the good times to come when suddenly a big booming voice from behind said, ‘Hey you, I think I’ll have that.’
It was Buster Wallace, the class bully. ‘I’ll close my eyes and count to three,’ he said. ‘Then you can put that yoyo in my cap and we’ll all pretend nothing ever happened.’
Now, Zeke had been scared of his mother and the teacher and the big fat nurse and of course the lime green vomit, but nothing in the world scared him as much as Buster because, like all bullies, Buster Wallace was incredibly stupid and you couldn’t explain a thing to him. (And bullies tend to hurt people when they don’t get what they want.)
So Buster closed his eyes and counted to three and Zeke put Eppie and the yoyo in Buster’s baseball cap. Then Buster put his cap on his head and ran back to school. Zeke chased him as fast as he could, but just when they got inside the gate, the bell rang for them to go into class.
Sitting at his desk, Zeke was terrified.
‘Please could I have my yoyo?’ he whispered to Buster.
‘No.’
‘Please, I’ll give you my swap cards,’ said Zeke.
‘And?’ said Buster.
‘And my favourite book.’
‘And …’
‘And my soccer ball.’
‘And?’
‘And my cricket bat, and brand new watch and my favourite shoes that glow in the dark.’
‘And?’ said Buster, enjoying himself immensely as he watched Zeke squirm. ‘You know I really want to give you your yoyo, but it’ll take more than anything you’ve offered so far.’
‘I’ll do your homework for the rest of your life.’
‘Yes, and what else?’ Buster raised his eyebrows.
But Zeke couldn’t think
of anything else, so he sat there yoyoless and Eppie stayed with smelly stupid Buster and sobbed quietly in his cap.
Zeke heard Eppie sob and he felt sorry for her.
But he felt more sorry for himself.
Not only was he without a yoyo but their mum was going to kill him.
I mean, it’s all very well to spend every single day of your life wishing your sister would get eaten by cannibals, but the reality is — well — well, the reality is that he sort of love — oops forget I ever said that, no he sort of liked—well no, he didn’t like her, he — he —
Well the reality is that their mum was going to kill him if he didn’t get his sister back.
‘I might give it to you at midnight tonight. That is, if you’re good,’ teased Buster. ‘I’ll meet you in the cemetery by the the old crook’s grave, and you can give me everything you own, and I’ll give you your stupid yoyo.’
Zeke was scared to death, but he said, ‘No, I need it right now.’
‘Well, make an offer,’ Buster grinned.
‘I can’t, I’ve got nothing left.’
And then Zeke began crying softly at his desk, but he pretended he just had a cold.
For the first time in his entire life Zeke’s afternoon passed too quickly. Zeke’s mum would be here to collect them soon and there was no way he could try to pretend that Eppie had just gone to the toilet — not for the rest of her life.
‘Oh no,’ he whimpered.
Then finally, late in the afternoon when the going home bell was about to ring, Zeke popped up with a brilliant idea. ‘I take back everything that I’ve offered so far,’ he said to Buster in a strangely strong and sure voice. ‘I have something heaps better. I’ll give you … I’ll give you … I’ll … I’ll … I’ll give you … I’ll give you my father’s private jet with its own computer games, swimming pool, motor bike, yoyo and racing car! But I can’t give it to you until tomorrow. Is that okay with you?’
Buster paused for a moment, not wanting to look too keen, then he said very slowly, ‘Okay, it’s a deal. I’ll give you the yoyo now and get all those other things from you tomorrow.’
Under his breath Zeke said to himself, Wow, lucky he’s as thick as a brick, ‘cause I thought everybody everywhere knew that tomorrow never comes.
So just as the bell went Buster gave the yoyo back to Zeke, complete with tiny little Eppie who was so tangled up she was invisible amongst the string. Then Zeke packed up his things and left the classroom at the end of a very, very, very, long day. He walked to the playground to wait for their mum, stand under a tree, and untangle Eppie.
This leg through that loop and up around the ear.
He was extremely patient as he slowly unknotted her. He was feeling really good and exceptionally kind. In fact, when he’d finished untangling her he was going to stretch her back to her original size (if not a little bit bigger), and be nice to her for the rest of her life. He was. But before he did that Zeke said to Eppie, as she still hung from the yoyo by her hair, ‘I’m sorry Eppie; it’s been a tough day. Want to go for a ride before Mum comes?’
And Eppie, of course, said, ‘Yes.’
So Zeke unwound his yoyo, with Eppie attached, and started to run through some basic tricks. First he did that simple up and down spinning trick and Eppie began to giggle. Then he Walked the Dog, and Rocked the Cradle, and did The Elevator and Bite Your Bum.
And then he did Sleep Walker
and Eiffel Tower
and Cats’ Whiskers
and Eppie was laughing and laughing.
And finally, with great delight, just as Mum came round the corner, Zeke said, ‘Hold on tight and close your eyes I’m going to do Round the World!’
So Eppie held on tight, and closed her eyes, and Zeke swung that string out as far as he could, and it was the greatest beginning to Round the World that had actually ever been seen. He could have won the Olympic Games of beginnings to yoyo tricks.
But just when Eppie and the yoyo got their speed up and were way out there on the string, the string broke, and Eppie flew off, and she went off round the world by herself, (with the yoyo and the string still attached to her hair).
Right round the world.
Silently Zeke watched Eppie disappear with her arms waving madly and her mouth yelling ‘aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh’,
past the trees,
past the skyscrapers,
past the clouds and the planes and the helicopters and satellites, past the sun.
And she was just passing the moon (ready to zoom over the Arctic) when Zeke heard his mum honk from the car, and he mumbled to himself, alone in the playground,
‘Gee, Eppie has all the fun!’
Gretel Killeen started writing comedy by accident when she stood up to perform a very serious poem and everybody laughed.
From here she moved to writing and performing comedy across Australia – for radio, television and stage.
She has published a number of best-selling books including My Life is a Toilet, the My Life is a Toilet Instruction Book, the My Life is a Toilet Diary, My Sister’s a Yoyo, My Sister’s an Alien, My Sister’s a Sea Slug, My Sister’s a Burp, My Sister’s a Full Stop, My Sister’s a Nightmare and What’ll We Get For Grandma?
* * *
Leigh Hobbs is an artist, painter, sculptor, cartoonist, children’s book illustrator and author. He is also an experienced teacher and lecturer at primary, secondary and tertiary levels. His credits include two bigger-than-life caricature sculptures called ‘Larry and Lizzie’ for Sydney’s Luna Park, that now reside at Sydney’s Powerhouse Museum, and a ceramic Flinders Street Station teapot in the collection of the National Gallery of Victoria. Many of his cartoons have appeared in the Age newspaper and various other publications.
* * *
Other works by Gretel Killeen
MY SISTER’S AN ALIEN
When Eppie gets squished to the size of a strawberry, ends up flying round the world, landing on planet sock and about to be kidnapped by a handsome alien prince, it’s up to her brother Zeke to rescue her. What follows is a laugh-a-minute adventure full of shortsighted cats, space rockets, possums, owls, goodies, baddies, galactic battles, movie stars, superstars, false moustaches, girls’ nighties, flying horses, bright pink lipstick, footballs, diamonds, lovesick martians and motorbike rides with the man in the moon – and that’s all before mum wakes up.
MY SISTER’S A SEA SLUG
When Eppie and Zeke return from outer space stretched long and thin like two pieces of spaghetti, it’s only a matter of a very short time before they both get sucked down the bathtub plughole and a new adventure begins. What follows is a giggle-filled non-stop undersea romp with: man-eating seaweed, pirates in petticoats, lost cities, spiral sharks, stolen treasure, killer cordial, secret castles, magic mermaids, splendid speedy sea cycles, barbie bras, invisible enemies, fat fishermen, elastic eels, fairy godfish and supersonic horses … and that’s all before breakfast!
MY SISTER’S A BURP
When a friendly stork finally delivers teeny-weeny Zeke and Eppie home from mermaid kingdom, they jump from his beak to fly down and kiss their mother but she accidentally swallows them instead. What follows is a chuckle-choc-a-block adventure full of bubbling brains, jealous germs, fluffs, evil eyes, sneaky snot, wild worms, heroic hearts, forgetful fingers, bouncing bottoms, hysterical hair, ticklish teeth, arm armies and tap dancing toes. And that’s all before mum realises that Zeke and Eppie are even missing.
MY SISTER’S A FULL STOP
When tiny Eppie and Zeke get blown out their mother’s nose in a superball of snot they find themselves hurtling through the air and into the pages of a book of fairytales. What follows is a belly-laugh-bundle-full of nibbling-niggling-gnomes, big-bold-beady-eyed wolves, wicked-wizzled-witches, three perky pigs, seven dilly dwarves, Snow White, Prince Charming, an evil pop group called The Step Sisters PLUS Robin Hood and his miserable men! You’ll be gob-smacked as Zeke and Eppie fight and fumble to escape the clutch
es of Fairytale Land, return to normal size and then get home to mum (but not back inside her nose).
MY SISTER’S A NIGHTMARE
When tiny Eppie and Zeke finally manage to escape from a book they accidentally end up in a rattling carriage that is part of their mother’s train of thought. Unable to get off at Real World, Dream World or even Fantasy World, Zeke and Eppie find themselves hurtling toward their mother’s ridiculous nightmare. What follows is a laugh-till-you-split-your-sides adventure full of googly ghosts, drastic draculas, spiralling spiders, haunted houses, vampish vampires, potent potions, rapping bats and disgusting meals that never end. Will Zeke and Eppie escape from the nightmare or will they be stuck in their mother’s bad thoughts forever (along with the boyfriend she had when she was nine and a packet of chocolate biscuits)?
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity, including internet search engines or retailers, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including printing, photocopying (except under the statutory exceptions provisions of the Australian Copyright Act 1968), recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written permission of Random House Australia. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
Version 1.0
My Sister’s a Yo Yo
Published by Random House Australia 2012
Text copyright © Gretel Killeen 1997
Illustrations copyright © Leigh Hobbs 1997
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