What if it was a coincidence? What if it really wasn’t God, but Devon being his usual nice self? “God, how do I know that was you? I ain’t trying to get on your nerves. You know I’m new with all this stuff.”
A few seconds later, her cell phone vibrated again. Shauntae picked it up off the floor and saw a new message from Devon.
I’ll talk to Cassandra later about lifting the warrant. I swear if you do anything to hurt Brianna, you won’t have to worry about jail. I’ll kill you myself. You asked for a chance and I’m giving it to you. Please don’t make me regret it.
She screamed and dropped the phone again. “God, it is you! It is you! You love me.” And then them durn pregnancy hormones took over and Shauntae started crying. “Thank you, God. I’m sorry for everything bad I ever did. Please forgive me. Thank you for everything you done for me. You gave me this whole new life and I don’t even deserve it. I promise, I’m gonna do my best to be a good person. I need you to help me though. I want to be a good person, a good wife, and a good mama. Can you help me with that? Thank you, God.”
Shauntae waited to see if something else was gonna happen. No more text messages came through and nothing felt different. She sat there for a second waiting for another sign that God had heard her and that He was gonna make her a better person.
Then she figured maybe God didn’t give a sign every time He heard a prayer and answered it. But then, how would she know if He heard her or not? And then she felt it. She felt the baby kick. Not the fluttering, but a real kick. God was answering her.
So God was gonna make her a better person. She was gonna be a good wife and mother. She rubbed her belly. “Hear that, li’l baby? I’m gonna be a good mama. I’m gonna love you so much.”
She thought about everything God had done for her just that day. She was gonna get to go to church with her husband. Most likely Devon was going to lift the warrant. And she was gonna be a for real good person and not a pretend good person. And so if God was helping her, maybe He was okay with her not telling Gary the truth. Right? If He wasn’t okay, then He wouldn’t have helped her.
So it was settled. She wasn’t going to tell Gary about Brianna and everything else and God was okay with it. But did that mean that God was going to keep Gary from finding out?
Thirty-four
For the next few weeks, things went real smooth. It wasn’t hard to persuade Gary to go to first service. Since her miraculous recovery, Darla was back at church and was taking the girls to second service. He felt like it was better if they didn’t all go to church at the same time. “At least for now,” he said.
He and Shauntae went to eight o’clock service, out for Sunday brunch, and then they spent some time together at home. Gary went to see the girls in the evening. He went to visit them often. Gary never said anything about bringing the girls home after that time she messed up. Shauntae hadn’t brought it up, but it bothered her. If he didn’t think she was a good enough mother to be around her girls, did he think she would be a good mother to their son?
Maybe he wanted to keep the peace with Darla. She had finished rehab and was home with therapy people coming three times a week. Gary said she was still acting nice. She had even bought them a wedding gift. Maybe Gary was afraid that if he started bringing the girls over, Darla wouldn’t be so friendly. Shauntae wasn’t as scared anymore, since Devon had called her and told her that he and Cassandra decided to lift the arrest warrant.
Shauntae really liked church, too. She loved the music. The pastor always preached a good sermon that was just for her. It was like God would go into her head and read her thoughts and then tell them to the pastor and then he would make a sermon that would give her all the answers she needed.
Every time he talked, the pastor made God seem like He was a real nice, cool, sweet Daddy who loved her very much. He wanted her to do right because He wanted the best for her and not because He was mean or didn’t like her to have fun and enjoy herself. It was like she had learned on one of the YouTube videos on parenting: good parents set boundaries and say no to stuff that would hurt their kids. They want the best for their kids and sometimes they make rules to keep them safe. Everything she was learning about being a good parent was teaching her how God wanted to be a good parent to her.
Sometimes it was hard to believe God was that nice and good because everything she had ever heard about Him made Him seem mean and hard to please. She liked this new God much better than the old One.
One Sunday when they were leaving church, Gary and Shauntae ran into Dr. Murray and her husband and two kids. Shauntae was excited to see her. She didn’t know they went to the same church. They stood there talking for a while, but then Shauntae realized they needed to hurry up and leave before it was time for Devon, Cassandra, and Brianna to get there. It had been three weeks and they hadn’t had any accidental meetings so far.
As they were saying good-bye, Dr. Murray put a brochure in her hand. She said she was involved in the Christian education department at the church and thought there might be some nice classes Shauntae might want to take.
On the way to brunch, Shauntae looked through the brochure and saw some stuff that was perfect for her. There was a “Parenting God’s Way” class and a “Being a Godly Wife” class she wanted to take. She remembered her prayer about wanting to become a good wife and mother and knew God had picked those classes just for her.
Shauntae scanned the brochure and saw a class Dr. Murray taught called “Becoming God’s Woman” that would help women feel better about themselves so they could be the best person they could be. The brochure said the class helped to get rid of hurts and pains from the past so a person could have a healthy present and future. Shauntae thought about all the times she heard her mother’s voice in her head saying all kinds of bad stuff. She wondered if that class could get rid of Mama’s voice.
She decided to take all three. She knew God was helping her, but she had heard a scripture that God helps those who help themselves. So even though He was helping her, she was gon’ do her part.
Gary put a hand on her knee. “What’s that you’re reading?”
Shauntae closed the brochure and slipped it in her purse. “Dr. Murray told me about some classes at the church. One on being a good wife and another on being the best I can be.” Shauntae paused for a second before telling him about the last one. “There’s a parenting class I want to take, too.”
“Sounds good, baby. Glad you’re taking advantage of what the church has to offer. They have a lot of resources.”
Shauntae worked up the courage to ask, “So, when I finish the parenting class, do you think you’ll feel comfortable bringing the girls to the house again?”
Gary turned around to look at her as they pulled up to a red light. “What?”
“The last time you brought the girls over the house was when I messed up by telling them about the baby and us getting married. Remember? We had that argument about me not being a good mother. You haven’t brought them over since.”
Gary frowned. “Is that what you think? That the girls haven’t been to the house because I don’t think you’d be a good mother?”
Shauntae nodded slowly.
The light changed and Gary took off slowly. “Baby, that’s not it at all. You know Darla had the accident and her mother came and I’ve been trying to keep their life as close to normal as possible.”
“But remember, you had planned for me to be a part of the whole thing. You were going to show me their school and soccer schedule and their uniforms and all that stuff. That was before I messed up. Afterward, you never said a word and haven’t let me anywhere near them.”
Gary shook his head. “Shauntae, that’s not why the girls haven’t been over. It’s because—”
“You don’t have to explain. I understand. I’ve been doing a lot of studying online about parenting and I’ve learned so much. Being a parent isn’t easy and there’s so much stuff to know. And you can really mess up a child’s life if you don
’t do things right.”
“I don’t think you’re going to mess up the girls’ lives by not doing something right.”
Shauntae was silent for a second as Gary wheeled his car into a parking space at Ray’s on the River. It had become their favorite place for Sunday brunch. He turned off the car.
“Can I tell you something?” Shauntae asked.
Gary nodded.
“You know how you had a wonderful childhood and your mother and father loved you and treated you well?”
Gary nodded again.
“Well, I didn’t have that. My father left when I was little and later my stepfather . . . let’s just say he was a bad man and treated me very badly. And my mama wasn’t a good mother. She said all kinds of bad things to me and yelled and screamed and beat me. She put me out of the house when I was seventeen.”
Gary reached out and took Shauntae’s hand.
“Because of how I grew up, I learned a lot of bad habits and had a whole bunch of messed-up thoughts. I made a lot of mistakes in my life and bad decisions that hurt people really bad. I’ve lost a very special person because of it.” Shauntae hung her head when she thought about Brianna. “So yes, it would be possible for me to mess up the girls’ lives by making some crazy mistake or saying the wrong thing to them.”
Gary squeezed her hand tight.
“I’m trying to learn better. I’m learning a lot from church and from the videos about parenting. And now I want to take these classes. I want to be the best mom I can be. Not only for our son but for your daughters, too.”
Gary reached over and kissed Shauntae. “Thanks for sharing that with me. I didn’t know that stuff about your family.” He frowned and said, “With all that we’ve talked about concerning family, I’m surprised it never came up before.”
Shauntae hung her head. “I think I was afraid to tell you. You talked about your family and it made me . . . ashamed of how I grew up. I thought if you knew, you wouldn’t want to marry me anymore.” Shauntae held up a hand to stop Gary from interrupting. “I know better than that now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, okay?”
“Okay, honey.” Gary looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time.
“What?” Shauntae asked.
Gary shook his head. “Nothing. I’m happy you shared that with me. And happy that you’re doing everything you can to be the best person you can be.”
Shauntae let out a deep breath. Somehow, telling Gary about her childhood made her feel better. It made her feel closer to him and it made her feel good that he knew some bad stuff and still loved her. “Thanks, baby. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Gary leaned in to kiss her, but at that moment her stomach growled really loud. They both laughed. Gary put his hand on the car door. “Guess I better take you inside and feed you, huh?”
Later that evening while Gary was visiting the girls, Shauntae pulled out her cell phone. She wanted to let Devon know about the classes she would be taking in case he, Cassandra, or Brianna had stuff going on at the church at the same time. She thought about how sour his voice sounded the last time she’d called and decided to text him. It was a detailed text, telling him she planned on taking some classes at the church because she wanted to keep growing. She named the classes and the times. She ended by saying she wanted to check to make sure those weren’t times any of them were at church and if so, how could they plan to not run into each other.
After she sent it, she sat and waited. She hoped she didn’t have to give up any of the classes. All three of them were important to her. Devon’s answer came back quick.
We’re taking a premarital class on the same night as your parenting class but Brianna isn’t with us so everything should be fine. Glad to hear that you’re taking the classes and trying to grow. Wish you the best. God bless.
Shauntae didn’t know why the message touched her like it did. Maybe because it meant Devon was starting to believe she could change. She was also glad to know Devon and Cassandra were getting married. It made her happy that Brianna would grow up in a good family with a good mother and father.
Thinking about it made her cry. And then for some reason, she felt sad.
Shauntae got up and went in the kitchen and started pulling stuff out of the refrigerator to cook. Cooking had become one of the things that made her feel happy no matter what was going on.
Like the last couple of times when she had talked to Sherice. Sherice was mad because Shauntae had waited so long to tell her about the wedding and the new car and everything. She got even madder when Shauntae let it slip that Candy had come to the house to visit her. She accused Shauntae of becoming like Keosha and dissing her and not coming to pick her up in the car to take her shopping like she had said. Shauntae hadn’t exactly made a promise about shopping but Sherice was already cussing and screaming so Shauntae didn’t bother to correct her.
The next time they talked, Sherice accused her of ignoring her so she wouldn’t have to help out with her bills. She said Shauntae had used her to catch Gary, but now that she was in his pockets, she had gone ghost. Every time they talked, Shauntae tried to explain, but Sherice ended up cussing and screaming. And every time they hung up, Shauntae ended up in the kitchen making some gourmet meal or baking some wonderful dessert.
She was in the middle of making a pot roast and homemade yeast rolls when Gary came home. He had barely gotten in the kitchen good when he grabbed her and scooped her up in his arms.
Shauntae squealed and asked, “Baby, what has gotten into you?”
He put her down. “Guess what?” He looked like an excited little boy.
“What?”
“I talked to Darla tonight. She’s okay with the girls coming over to visit on the weekends. Or if you want to keep our weekend time, we can get them during the week. It’s a little more disruptive to interrupt their school week by switching houses, but the point is she’s okay with the girls spending time here every week.”
“That’s great news. Wow.” She wasn’t as excited as she knew he wanted her to be.
Gary looked at her closely. “You okay with this?”
Shauntae nodded and bit her lip.
Gary took her in his arms. “What’s wrong, honey?”
Shauntae shook her head.
“Something’s wrong. Tell me.”
Shauntae shrugged. She couldn’t quite figure out why she was feeling some kinda way.
Gary asked, “You scared?”
Shauntae thought about it. “Yeah, maybe a little.” Was that what she was feeling?
“What are you afraid of?”
Shauntae squinted her eyes, thinking. All this relationship and communication and feelings stuff she was learning was hard work. “I think I’m afraid of messing up. Of making another big mistake that proves I’m not a good mother to your girls.” Shauntae thought for another second. “And that would mean that I’m not a good enough mother for our son.” Shauntae rubbed her belly. “Yeah, I’m real scared of not being a good mother to our son.”
“Why are you so scared of that? You made one mistake with the girls and now you’re afraid that you’re not going to be a good mother?”
Shauntae pulled herself out of Gary’s arms. After flipping the oven light on and peeking in, she grabbed some mitts and took out the yeast rolls. They were fluffy and perfectly brown. She took the butter out the refrigerator and rubbed it on top of each one.
“Smells wonderful.” Gary reached for one, but Shauntae popped his hand.
“They’re still hot. Give them a minute.”
Gary watched as she buttered the rolls. “Baby, talk to me. One mistake doesn’t make you a bad mother.”
Tears started rolling down Shauntae’s face. “It wasn’t one mistake. It was a whole lot of mistakes. I told you the other day, my mama really messed me up and I’ve made a lot of bad mistakes. If you knew what kind of person I used to be, you would never let me around your girls. Never.” Shauntae started crying for real.
&
nbsp; Gary pulled her into his chest. “Used to be, honey, used to be. Remember what Pastor preached on Sunday? You can’t let your past control your future. You’re not the same person you used to be. Remember, that’s what the blood of Jesus is about—transforming us into a new person. You’re a new creature. Don’t be afraid of who you used to be. Be confident in who you are right now.”
Shauntae said, “But you don’t know what I’ve done. How can you say that when you don’t know what I’ve done?”
Gary answered, “It’s not about what you’ve done. It’s about what Jesus did. On the cross He got rid of everything you’ve ever done. Leave it there. Okay?”
Shauntae nodded without lifting her head. She sniffled. “What if... What happens if—”
“Please stop worrying. I promise you’re going to be okay.” Gary lifted Shauntae’s chin. “You’re gonna be a good mother to the girls and to our son. I want you to believe that, okay?”
Shauntae nodded. “I don’t think Daphne likes me.”
Gary chuckled. “Yeah, Daphne can be a tough one. Don’t worry. You’ll find a way to win her heart. Like you won mine.”
Shauntae smiled. “You’re so sweet to me. Thanks for loving me the way you do.”
Gary kissed her on the nose. “How could I not?”
Shauntae was going to amp up her YouTube videos that week. Her first parenting class was on Wednesday. Maybe she could stay after and ask the teacher a bunch of questions. She would do whatever she had to do. She was going to prove to everybody—Gary, Darla, Daphne, Devon and Cassandra, her mama—everybody that she could be a good mama.
Most of all, she was gonna prove it to herself.
Thirty-five
Shauntae spent the whole week watching parenting videos on YouTube. Her parenting class on Wednesday was good, but she was upset that they only covered one topic each week. She guessed it didn’t make sense to expect them to teach everything about being a good mama in one night.
Becoming Mrs. Right Page 20
