And then it did…
“What’s going on in here?” Mary-Scary-Larry-Harry demanded in a shrill voice from the entryway looking as if she hadn’t slept much. Trista, Spike and Francisco were right behind her.
Scary-Mary marched over to the blaring boom box and punched it so hard it cracked in two. Fat Demon Doug didn’t seem to notice as he went on dancing as if there was no tomorrow—which sadly might be the case in a few minutes.
“And who are you?” Mother Nature hissed as a fragrant wind blew up and swept through the room like a mini tornado.
Spike, Trista and Francisco were smart enough to back away—Harry-Larry… not so much. I assumed they would recognize Mother Nature.
Never assume…
“I’m a guest here,” Mary snapped and waved her finger in my grandmother’s face. “I got very little sleep and this is unacceptable. The help in a palace should know their place. You clearly do not know your place.”
“Uh, Mary,” Trista said in mortification as she stared wide-eyed at Mother Nature and gave her a quick respectful bow. “You might want to…”
“Shut up,” Mary growled, missing the exchange. “I’ve had to put up with the three of you for days now and you are on my very last nerve. It’s taken everything I have not to have shoved sliver stakes through your hearts.” Her gaze zeroed in on me with hatred and a sneer spread across her mouth. “It shouldn’t surprise me at all that you don’t know how to handle a staff. Ethan certainly mated below his station.”
“Do you really think so?” Mother Nature inquired so calmly it sent chills up my spine.
“I do. And you shall speak only when spoken to,” Mary ground out at Mother Nature. “Honestly, when did help get so mouthy?”
For the first time in my life, I was truly speechless. Nothing would come out of my mouth. No one fucked with Mother Nature. No one. I wasn’t sure if Mary-Harry-Scary-Larry was about to die or be turned into a toad. Neither was good.
“What did you say your name was, Vampyre?” Mother Nature asked in a tone that made Mary pause.
“I didn’t,” she replied rudely, still unwilling to be spoken to by the staff. “Why don’t you give me your name so I can report your insolence to Ethan?”
Mary waited with her arms crossed over her chest and gave Mother Nature the stink eye.
With a trill of gloriously evil laughter, my grandmother began to glow. She lifted her hands and more trees burst from the floor and out of the walls as a den of poisonous vipers slithered lovingly around her Prada clad feet. Rain and ice began to pour in buckets from the ceiling, but amazingly only soaked Mary-Harry-Scary who wasn’t looking quite as superior anymore.
“My name?” Gigi roared. “My name is Gaia and you have messed with the wrong immortal, you piece of shit.”
“You go girl,” Doug shouted and did something akin to a toe touch that was sure to land him in traction.
“Ooooffffffff with her heeeeaaaaaad!” Charles grunted as he too got into the action—heads spinning and goop flying.
“It’s not nice to fuck with Mother Nature,” Gigi roared.
“I thought it was fool,” Doug chimed in, perplexed but not missing a single beat of his dance.
“That’s the butttttter commerciaaaaal,” Charles explained as he took a brief break for the Exorcist head-spinning thing.
“Right,” Doug said as he slapped his forehead and then popped and locked.
“Attack,” Mother Nature commanded of her slithery, hissing pets.
Harry-Larry cowered on the ground and writhed in agony as Mother Nature’s snakes slid across the floor with lightening speed and set upon the stupid Vampyre with a vengeance. I was pretty sure Vamps were immune to poison, but with my grandma running the show there was no telling what was in the venom.
“You do not insult Mother Nature and you do not insult, The Chosen One, who is my granddaughter. Do you understand me?” Mother Nature bellowed in a voice that shook the walls of the compound. “And if I had been the help, which I most certainly am not, you should be ashamed of yourself for speaking that way. I’d rip my children a new asshole if they behaved as appallingly as you.”
Mary’s screams were very real and this was getting out of hand. She was rude and I didn’t like her even a little bit, but having her die a violent death on my kitchen floor wasn’t in my plans for the day. Trista, Francisco and Spike looked on in shock, but with no pity on their faces.
Mary was not a very popular or well-liked gal. I guess her threat of taking a stake to their hearts didn’t sit too well with them.
“It’s like a horror movie gone awry,” Spike said to his cohorts who ignored him.
Shit was getting far too real and it had to stop. This was not a movie—not even remotely. However, Spike had a point…it had definitely gone awry. Mary didn’t deserve to die for being rude and stupid.
“Enough,” I shouted and felt the adrenaline rush I always got when my magic consumed me. Black glitter covered my arms and chest and sliver and purple sparks shot from my fingertips. My hair flew wildly around my head and I knew my eyes had turned as glittering red as the Devil’s. The trembling of the floor was no longer coming from Mother Nature’s magic. Nope, I was rocking the house all by myself.
I lifted my hands over my head and the snakes withered and disintegrated before our eyes. The screeching was horrifying, but I continued until every last one was dead and no longer sinking their fangs into the disgusting Vampyre convulsing on the floor. Doug and Charles prostrated themselves at my feet and the other Vampyres gaped in uncomfortable shock.
“I want to destroy her,” Mother Nature whined as she stomped her foot and pouted.
“I know.” I nodded my head at her, but didn’t pull back my magic even a fraction. The room still quaked and my power poured off of me making the rest of the inhabitants in the room duck for cover. “She’s a horrid excuse for a Vampyre, but verbal hostility is not grounds for death. If it was our entire family would be ash. Am I clear, Grandma?”
“Yes,” Gigi grumbled and let her own power recede. “However, if I see her again, all bets are off.”
“Grandmother…” I said sternly.
“Fine,” she snapped as she waved her hand and pined Mary to the wall with a violent blast of wind. “I won’t kill her exactly, but she must be punished for her impertinence. I’m Mother Fucking Nature.”
“I agree. What exactly did you have in mind?” I asked warily. I knew damn well that there was no way in Hell Mary could get off scot free after speaking to one of the most powerful beings in the world as she did. “And it can’t include death of any kind.”
“How many kinds of death are there?” Fat Demon Doug asked, confused.
“Many,” Mother Nature purred as she eyed the pathetic Vamp. “Oh so very many. Do you like your beauty, Mary?”
Mary stared at Mother Nature and refused to answer.
Bad move.
“I think you do,” Gigi said as she flicked her fingers and zapped Mary bald.
Mary hissed and bared her fangs at my grandma. I rolled my eyes. How ignorant was she?
Very.
She was very ignorant.
With a giggle of delight, Gigi waved her hand again and blackened her teeth then reduced her breast size to the point that a training bra would be overkill. I kind of felt bad for her, but the vicious look she threw me made me keep my compassionate mouth shut. I’d just saved her worthless life. Mary-Harry-Larry was an ungrateful skank. She needed a lesson and Mother Nature was more than willing to be her teacher today.
“Would Mary look nice with a beard?” Mother Nature asked politely.
“I think you’ve done enough,” I said. “Let her go now.”
Mother Nature considered my request and nodded curtly. “My work here is done. Who wants cake?”
I swallowed the hysterical laughter than threatened to escape from my lips and stepped up to the counter as did Trista, Spike and Francisco. Mary ran from the room hissing and swearing.
Never to come back, hopefully… but I was sure I wasn’t going to get that lucky. Against all odds, Fat Doug and Charles loved Mother Nature’s cakes—all of them. Or maybe they wanted to keep their hair and pearly white teeth.
Just another day in my undead paradise…
Chapter 11
“They were edible?” Paris Hilton asked in surprise. “I thought Mother Nature was the Universe’s worst cook.”
“She is,” I replied as I unzipped the bridesmaid dress that Paris was wearing. She looked beautiful. All of my gals looked like freakin’ super models. The only one left to try on her dress was Pam and I knew she would rock the Hell out of it. “Pompeii happened because one of Mother Nature’s cakes was insulted. Maybe Fat Demon Doug and Charles don’t have taste buds.”
“Or maybe she learned how to cook,” Raquel volunteered skeptically as she flopped down on my bed and began the arduous task of matching fingernail polish and lipstick to a fabric swatch from the bridesmaid dresses.
“Or maybe she didn’t make them at all.” Venus gave an evil little snicker. “You said she had flour all over her dress and frosting in her hair. Right?”
“Yep. She was a hot mess. Not like her at all,” I said as I carefully hung all the bridesmaid dresses and put them back into my closet.
“That smacks of guilt. She was trying to make it look like she’d been slaving away,” Gemma said with a giggle. “Were the cakes pretty?”
“Gorgeous,” I confirmed.
“She so didn’t bake them,” Gemma said, eliminating four of the lipsticks from the pile in front of Raquel. “Too dark.”
“Agree,” Raquel said tossing a few of the nail polishes aside as well.
“You really think she didn’t bake them?” I asked with a laugh.
“I really, really, really don’t think she baked them,” Gemma stated with authority. “If there was no vomiting or explosive gas she either bought them or had someone else bake the cakes for her.”
“Well, I’m certainly not gonna call her out on that one,” I said with a shudder.
“Hell to the no,” Paris grunted. “If she’s passing off palatable food as her own, I say zip the lip and let them eat cake without fear of eternal death.”
“I heard Mary is a little worse for the wear,” Venus said with a wrinkled nose and a barely concealed smile.
“She thought Mother Nature was a servant of some sort and treated her as such,” I explained with a shudder. “Let’s just say that didn’t go over very well.”
“She’s a horrible person,” Paris said. “I never liked her. Known her for a long time, she’s always been a bee-otch.”
“Well, there’s a little less of her to like now,” I said.
“She’s dead?” Paris asked, shocked.
“Nope, but I am guessing she might wish she was,” I told her.
“Never fuck with Mother Nature,” Raquel advised sagely. “Don’t get me wrong, I adore her, but she’s insane on her best days and certifiable on her worst.”
“Word,” Gemma said with a chuckle. “Enough of that unpleasantness. It’s time to talk wedding. Do you have your dress yet?” she asked me.
“It arrives tomorrow, along with Ethan’s custom tux and a mini one for Samuel,” I said, clasping my hands together with excitement. “My dress is perfect and I can’t wait till you guys see it.”
I was happy. I was sitting in my bedroom with my best girlfriends and we were gossiping about my wedding—my wedding. My wedding to the sexiest, most loving, smartest Vampyre in the whole freakin’ world. In four more days I would be a married dead person—totally unheard of and so very exciting. As long as we could follow Jeff’s no-sex edict, everything would be just fine.
Maybe.
“How is Charles doing?” Dixie asked as she breezed into my bedroom with about ten overloaded shopping bags in her hands.
“No clue,” I answered, eyeing the bags with materialistic curiosity. “He assures me it’s all good, but that doesn’t mean shit.”
“The invitations are lovely, albeit a little untraditional,” Raquel said as she narrowed the Chanel nail polishes down to two.
“You got an invitation?” I asked, perplexed and somewhat annoyed. “I never okayed an invitation. How in the Hell did you get an invitation? The little three-headed fucker doesn’t even have a guest list to go off of. We were supposed to do that later today. Did all of you get invitations?” I asked way too calmly as my fingers began to spark. Thank Uncle God I’d put the dresses away. I’d be pissed if I fried one to a crisp.
My bevy of bridesmaids nodded cautiously and backed away from my flickering fingers. I glared hard at the ceiling and counted to thirty-three and a half. The wedding was only four days away and I knew all of these things had to get done, but I was pretty sure I was supposed to have a say.
“Is this normal?” I demanded of my girls.
Everyone glanced around nervously and shrugged. It was a stupid question. Most of them were hundreds of years old and none of them had ever been married.
“Dude, I say unless Charles invited clowns it’s all good. Dixie cast a spell on him to know everything about weddings. Right?” Gemma asked, trying to spin a possible clusterfuck into a positive clusterfuck.
“I did,” Dixie promised. “And I thought the skulls, coffins and bloody fangs were a nice touch. I especially thought the nude photo of Ethan’s ass was inspired.”
“What?” I screeched and darted around the room in a panic. “Ethan’s ass is on our wedding invitation? You have got to be kidding me. He’s going to kill me and then Charles is definitely a goner. This is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. There is no way in Hell I’m gonna be able to keep Charles now. Shitballsmotherhumpinassholeplantations.”
“Whoa there, Nelly! I was joking,” Dixie said as she grabbed me before I took flight and pulled me in for a hug. “That was a joke. Ethan’s fine backside has not been revealed to the world.”
“Asshole plantations?” Gemma questioned with a wince.
“Did I say asshole plantations?” I asked somewhat perturbed that I didn’t even know that had come out of my mouth. We were definitely going to have to get Samuel another baboon.
“You did.”
“My bad,” I apologized.
“I should say so,” Gemma chastised with mock severity even though she was trying not to laugh.
“Holy Hell,” I muttered as I sagged in Dixie’s arms. “I think I’m too wound up for jokes this week. My swearing is off and I don’t even know what asshole plantation means. But the worst of the worst is that I’m not allowed to get laid until after the wedding. It’s messing with my chi.”
“Seriously?” Raquel asked. “That sucks.”
“Tell me about it. Jeff, that premarital Angel, is a butthole,” I griped, still wildly relieved that my mate’s fine hiney wasn’t being revealed to the immortal population. “Wait a minute. What about the fangs, coffins and the skulls?”
Everyone went silent.
Awesome. Fucking awesome.
“Well… I thought you’d be so relieved that Ethan’s butt wasn’t out there to be admired by everyone we know that the reality of the invite wouldn’t be so bad,” Dixie explained with a forced smile.
“I see what you did there.” I nodded in appreciation at my cousin’s crafty skill. “However, skulls, coffins and fangs are not on the top of my list of classy shit to put on my wedding invitation. I mean the fangs are kind of okay, but why in the living Hell would that three headed dork have put skulls on the damn thing? And a fucking coffin? It’s not a freakin’ funeral.”
“I get the fangs,” Paris said thoughtfully. “And the coffin might be a nod to the fact we’re dead. Kind of gross, but I get it. The skulls? Not so much.”
Letting my head fall back on my shoulders I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that my invitations didn’t look like a high school goth party gone bad. Did it really matter? I mean people just glanced at those things, noted the date and sent in a response. They’d forget a
bout the wildly inappropriate piece of paper in no time. Hell, I wasn’t even going to ask what the RSVP cards looked like. As of this moment I was going forward with the motto don’t explain, don’t complain. However, I was definitely going to set Charles straight about doing things without my permission. If that three headed Gollum-wannabe freakshow was planning on living here, he was going to have to abide by my rules. And sending out shitty wedding invitations was a big fat fucking no-no.
“I’m good now,” I told my doubtful friends. “However, if Charles does anything else that heinous, he’ll be sporting two heads instead of three.”
“I think that’s a very good attitude,” Venus congratulated me. “You ready for a surprise?”
Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7 Page 12
