“Do you like it?” I asked quietly.
“Put it on me,” she demanded.
I did.
“I shall never remove it for the rest of my centuries. It is the most thoughtful and exquisite gift I’ve ever received. I love it!” she screamed and then burst into tears again.
Oh my Hell. Getting married was hard. I wasn’t sure how many more people I could tolerate crying. Being on the verge myself was difficult enough.
“I have to go and check on the food,” Mother Nature said through her sniffles, giving me air kisses. “Mum’s the word on the secret hired cook. I need to see how many people will eat my food thinking I prepared it. It’s a fabulous way to weed out the riffraff.”
She poofed away in another small explosion of glitter. Those in the room that could breathe heaved huge sighs of relief.
“That went far better than expected,” Dixie said with a giggle. “She didn’t even leave a partial jungle behind.”
“Are you ready to put on your dress?” Gemma asked. “It’s almost time.”
Shitshitshitbuttballsalmighty.
My stomach roiled and I was sure my forehead was clammy. I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. What was wrong with me? Was my body telling me not to get married? Was I giving myself signs that I shouldn’t ignore?
Maybe my immortal side was pissed at my human side and it was making me ill to prove this was an epic mistake. I was already mated. Why in the fucking Hell did I think I needed to get married?
I sat mutely and tried to figure out what to do. I couldn’t move if the Palace caught on fire. My indecision made me immobile.
“She’s having pre-wedding jitters. From what I’ve read on the subject this happens to all brides or at least seventy-two percent of them,” Paris said, examining me as if I were a science experiment.
“What happens to the seventy-two percent?” Gemma asked.
“Well, some ride away on a horse in their wedding gown. Some realize that they’re marrying the wrong guy so they take the honeymoon money and go into the witness protection program. Some snap out of their stupor and tie the knot.”
“What the Hell kind of book were you reading?” Pam asked, perusing the food table.
“It was a combination of books and movies. I’m a little ADD,” Paris explained.
“That certainly explains some of that bullshit you just spouted,” Pam said and then inhaled a few cookies.
“What do we do?” Venus asked as she too looked me over in a slight panic.
“We dress her up and drag her ass down the aisle,” Pam said, tucking a large piece of cake into her bouquet.
What was she going to do with it? Eat it during the ceremony that might or might not happen?
“Um… that sounds kind of violent,” Dixie said, checking my pulse.
“What are you doing?” Raquel asked, pacing tight circles around the chair I was glued to. “She’s dead. She doesn’t have a pulse.”
“Right. I forgot,” Dixie said as she and the others began to freak.
“Astrid,” Paris got in my face and yelled. “Are you in there? We need to bust a move if we’re gonna be on time.”
I just stared and said nothing. I was here. I was just unsure if I should be.
“Jesus! Somebody get Jesus. He’ll know what to do,” Pam said sounding more concerned than usual.
“Jesus is with the groomsmen. I don’t think he’s supposed to see her before the wedding,” Venus said.
“Nope,” Paris corrected her. “The book said the groom can’t see the bride. It said nothing about Jesus seeing the bride.”
“Wait,” Raquel said, now completely confused. “Did the book actually mention Jesus?”
“Um… I forgot,” Paris mumbled, now in full freak out mode. “It might have. Maybe they said Jesus couldn’t see the bride. This is a clusterfuck. Maybe Satan could help. I’m one hundred percent sure he wasn’t mentioned in the wedding book.”
“Satan is having his own meltdown at the moment,” Dixie said wringing her hands. “I don’t think having Dad come in here and bitch about not getting to sit next to Steve Perry is going to help.”
“Agreed,” Raquel said, taking the bull by the horns. “Clear the room. All make-up, hair and sewing people out. We have some girl stuff to do.”
Everyone but my bridesmaids hightailed it out of the room. My friends were whispering and pointing. My rational side knew I needed to pull my shit together, but my irrational side was winning at the moment.
“Get the dress,” Pam instructed, picking me up and holding me like a doll. “Strip her.”
Gemma and Venus removed my robe while Pam held me dangling in the air. Dixie and Paris somehow shoved me into the exquisite Eve of Milady wedding gown and then Venus wedged my feet into the to-die-for Prada shoes. Gemma grabbed my diamond tiara demi veil and pinned it into my hair and Paris swiped my lips with the sheer gloss I’d chosen to wear over my lipstick.
“She a fucking gorgeous zombie,” Pam announced, admiring me.
“Grandpa!” Dixie yelled, startling everyone. “Grandpa can make this right. He can do anything.”
“Should I go get him?” Gemma asked frantically.
“Nope. No time,” Pam grunted as she picked me up and threw me over her shoulder. “We’re going to him. Just surround me so no one realizes I’m carrying her sorry ass like a sack of potatoes. Where is Grandpa?”
“In the parlor next to the Grand Ballroom,” Dixie said.
“Fine. We get her down there and put her in a closet or something so no one sees her like this. Sound good?” Pam asked, heading for the door.
“Wait,” Paris screamed. “We need something borrowed, something blue, something made of mold and something made of glue.”
“Glue and mold? Are you sure?” Gemma asked doubtfully.
“Yes, I’m sure about this one.”
“Cheese is moldy, smear some on her dress,” Pam advised. “And be quick about it.”
“She can borrow my dagger,” Raquel offered. “Yank her dress up. I’ll hook it to her garter.”
“Done,” Venus said. “I have a blue ink pen. Will that work?”
“Yes,” Paris said. “Stick it in her cleavage.”
“What about the glue?” Dixie shrieked, waving her hands in distress. “She can’t get married without the glue.”
They ran around the room like chickens with their heads cut off looking for glue. It was hazy, but it was definitely happening.
“Got it,” Gemma shouted triumphantly, brandishing her find in the air. “Eyelash glue! Found it in the makeup kit that the Demons left behind.”
“Where should we glue her?” Paris asked, worried.
“How about we glue her damned brain back together?” Pam grumbled. “I can’t hold her here forever. Glue her and let’s get this shitshow on the road.”
“Glue her ring to her hand. It will represent her commitment to Ethan,” Raquel suggested.
“Perfect,” Venus said as she glued it tight.
“Wait.” Paris groaned and smacked herself in the head. “I think she has to remove her mating ring to put her wedding ring on.”
“Tough shit,” Venus said as she pushed everyone out the door. “Too late, that sucker isn’t going anywhere.”
Chapter 23
“You put her where?” I heard Grandpa ask.
“In the closet,” Dixie said, near tears. “She got the wedding jingles and went all comatose zombie on us.”
“Jitters,” Paris corrected my cousin. “But the zombie part is accurate.”
“I see,” Grandpa said. “So you carried her down here and shoved her in the closet.”
“I carried. They shoved,” Pam volunteered.
“Sound a little excessive,” Grandpa observed.
“Yes,” Gemma said. “But we made sure she had the borrowed, blue, mold and glue.”
“Oookay,” he said. “Why don’t you gals go get to the back of the Ballroom and I’ll deal with Astrid.”
/>
“Swearing is helpful,” Pam recommended as she left the room. “Works for me all the time—especially words combined with ass. She responds well to that.”
“Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, as I heard him close the door to the parlor.
As his footsteps drew near the closet, I hung my head in shame. He was going to be so disappointed in me. Hell, I was disappointed in me.
“Astrid, do you mind if I come in?” he asked.
“No,” I said in a small voice, pushing the coats and umbrellas over. I didn’t realize it rained much in Hell, but it must. There had to be at least fifty black umbrellas in here. “There isn’t much room, but you’re not very big.”
“Being small can come in handy sometimes,” Grandpa said, opening the door and settling himself down next to me. “You look lovely, my dear.”
“Thanks, Grandpa,” I mumbled. “I think I’m having second thoughts.”
“About Ethan?” he questioned. He moved a pair galoshes over and lifted the raincoat off my head.
“No. Not about Ethan. I love him. It’s the getting married part I’m still struggling with.”
“That pesky human versus immortal thing.” He chuckled and patted my head.
“It’s not funny, Grandpa,” I said, feeling hurt.
“I wasn’t laughing at you,” he promised as he took my hand in his. “I’m laughing at the situation. Do you know how many people wish for eternal life?”
“Lots?”
“Yes. But only a few are given the task—or rather gift—of actually living it. We are chosen to endure it and do you know why?” he asked.
“No.”
“Because we’re strong enough to handle it. None of us come to this without pain and suffering in our past, but that’s what makes us the perfect ones to assume the job.”
“Spike and Mary didn’t want to be immortal,” I countered.
“Are these friends of yours?”
“Not Spike, but Mary kind of was—in the end,” I told him.
“There are always exceptions to the rule,” Grandpa stated wisely. “But in my many years, I have found very few. It’s a blessing and a curse. To handle it well, we must stay in touch with the world around us. The humans don’t know of our existence, but we definitely know of theirs. Most of us were human at one point. To negate mortals, or belittle their existence, puts our own existence in danger.”
“This is all very interesting, but I’m not sure how it applies here,” I said, as I laid my head on his shoulder.
“I think the timing of you entering our world is not an accident. The Vampyres now have a leader with the conscience of a mortal. Dehumanization of your kind and mine is far too common. The further the divide, the more difficult it will be to bridge the gap that could end us all.”
“So the division of Vampyre wealth is a good thing?” I asked, perking up and beginning to feel hopeful.
“Yep.”
“And Samuel—the fact that I gave birth to him is good?”
“Very good.”
“And the wedding?” I asked wanting him to finish my thought.
“Getting married is up to you. If you love Ethan and want to bridge the gap between your worlds, I think it’s a beautiful thing.”
We sat in silence while I mulled it over.
“I know the secret of life.”
“Do you?” Grandpa asked with a grin.
“I do,” I answered with a giggle. “I knew it the first time we discussed it.”
“Refresh my memory. I’m an old Demon.”
“It’s love.”
Grandpa leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Yes, my child, it is love. And if you’re lucky enough to find it, celebrate in every way with every ritual you can.”
“I love you.”
“And I, you. You ready to get married?”
A slow smile spread across my face and I crawled out of the closet on my hands and knees. “Yes. Yes I am.”
“Then let’s get this show on the road,” he said, offering me the crook of his arm. “It’s time.”
I straightened my dress and shoved the ink pen further down my cleavage since it didn’t really match. I was wildly unsure if my bridesmaids had gotten it all correct, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I was going to do this right.
Dress, shoes and veil? Check.
Borrowed, blue, mold and glue? Check.
Waiting groom? Check.
Bride who is ready to get married with all of her undead heart? Check. Check. Check.
***
We stood in front of the closed, enormous teak doors to the Grand Ballroom. Grandpa was as steady as a rock and I was shaking—a little. I was really going to do this. Letting go of everything except the fact that I loved Ethan with everything I was calmed me.
It didn’t matter if there were six thousand people inside.
If Charles and the Baby Demons had decorated with hot pink sex toys, it would still be fine—heinous, but fine.
Hearing Martha and Jane warble some random Prince song wouldn’t destroy my wedding. It might burst a few eardrums, but no one would die as a result.
Pam could munch on cake and Satan could pout about Steve Perry avoiding him. At least I was certain that not one person would die from food poisoning today. That was a plus.
All I needed was Ethan, Samuel and the people I cared about around me when I shared my joy and love with the man of my dreams. Grandpa had been correct. I thought too much. Life was a little less complicated when I embraced the moment and just went with my gut. Yes, I had many, many, many years to live, but with Ethan by my side, I would make each of them count.
My dress was exquisite and I felt like a princess. I was going to get laid tonight and, as I knew without a doubt we’d passed the premarital test, Jeff could kiss my ass.
“I’m ready,” I told my Grandpa, as I slid my hand into the crook of his arm. “You look really handsome.”
“Thank you, my darling girl. And you are stunning. I’m so proud of you,” he said with shining eyes. “I had no idea I would be blessed with another granddaughter, but I am so very happy I was. I shall never forget this day.”
“Me neither.” I giggled and planted a kiss on the top his head. “Let’s do it.”
With a wave of his small hand, Grandpa opened the enormous doors with a blast of breezy silver and red magic. I closed my eyes as I heard the lone guitar playing the beginning notes of a song that made me tingle all over.
“Open your eyes child. You don’t want to trip going down the aisle. Do you?” Grandpa asked with a small chuckle.
“I’m afraid to,” I admitted.
“Still having second thoughts?”
“No, not at all. I’m exactly where I want to be. I’m just terrified the Ballroom looks like a brothel on crack.”
“You might be pleasantly surprised,” he said. “Take a peek.”
And I did.
There were not six thousand people in the room. There was not a single pink decoration except the bridesmaid dresses and some of the flowers. Thankfully no sex toys in sight. All of the stripper poles had been removed or at least disguised enough that they were unnoticeable. Mother Nature and Demon Doug had most likely brought their own and were saving them for the reception…
Yes, the carved gold Demon orgies were still embedded in the walls, but we were in Hell after all. And if I wasn’t mistaken—and I wasn’t—all of their privates had been strategically covered with flowers.
The cavernous room glowed with twinkling candlelight. Thousands of candles warmed the overblown grandness of Satan’s massive ballroom and made it cozily magical. Sprays of sparkling golden roses lined the aisles and a simple but tasteful platform was the centerpiece of the ceremony. Pale pink lilies mixed with more of the golden roses spilled over the sides of the stage and huge candelabras bathed the area in warmth.
Charles and the Baby Demons beamed like the little freaks that they were—blowing kisses at me and hopping around like th
ey’d consumed several gallons of coffee.
I glanced at the guests and smiled. I saw Lucy and Elijah. Apparently they were starting to get along better. This was a good thing since Elijah had it really bad for her. Carl, Janet and Myrtle were seated and waving excitedly. Janet was sporting a lovely bushy beard for the ceremony and my grin grew wider as she fluffed it with delight. The Seven Deadly Sins were all in a row, looking bored but behaving well.
Fashionably Dead and Wed Book 7 Page 23
