by J. S. Cooper
“Mon Cherie.” He leaned down and kissed both of her cheeks as he approached her and I could feel my stomach churning in jealousy at the friendly intimate greeting between them and I wondered why he’d never greeted me that way. Had he ever been that happy to see me? Had he ever had that light of happiness in his eyes? I didn’t need to think very hard to figure out the answer. How could he come here to her after he’d just spent a night with me? I wanted to cry, but I swallowed hard and pinched my arm to stop myself from bursting into tears.
“Henry,” she said in her perfect French accent. “So good to see you. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Claudia,” he said, his voice making my heart pang with want. “It has been too long.” He sat next to her and I could feel my heart breaking as he reached over and lightly touched her cheek affectionately.
“What is this place, Henri?” she asked, her voice loud and clearly showing her distaste. I looked over to the counter to see how the waitresses were reacting to her obvious contempt of their workplace, but they didn’t seem to be paying any attention.
“A coffee shop.” He smiled at her and laughed. “Do you not like it?”
“It’s not what I would have expected.” She pouted. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Not because of me not wanting to see you though, Claudia.”
“I needed to think.” She sighed and said something else under her breath that I couldn’t hear. I strained my ears to listen harder. Even though a part of me didn’t really want to hear anything. I knew I was treading in dangerous water. What would Henry think or do if he saw me sitting here? He’d think I was absolutely crazy and possibly a stalker as well.
“And how are you feeling now?” His voice was gentle and full of concern and my jaw almost dropped. I’d never heard him so concerned before. I didn’t think he was capable of being a sincere warm individual without teasing or sexual undertones. It made me feel jealous of Claudia again, but this time in a very different way.
“It has been a long couple of months, Henry. I have missed you so much,” she purred, staring into his eyes in an adoring fashion. “Have you missed me?”
“Of course I have missed you. You know that.”
“I don’t understand why we have to have this arrangement if you miss me as well.” She pouted. “I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. This is not what I want.”
“What do you want, Claudia?”
“You know what I want.” She sighed and for the first time I could see some insecurity in her demeanor. I wanted to know her story. What exactly was going on here?
“You know who I am, Claudia. You know what I want. What I can give.”
“Don’t you love me?” Her voice sounded so sad that I started to feel guilty for listening. “We’ve known each other for so long. We’ve been in this place for so long. I just don’t know what you want from me anymore.”
“Claudia, can we just enjoy this moment?” Henry looked tired and for a brief few seconds I had the feeling that he knew that I was there. My body froze as I waited for him to turn around and look at me. I didn’t know what I would say. Would I pretend that it was a coincidence that we were both here at the same time? How would I say I’d even found the place? He’d never believe me. I would never believe me. It was a mess. A really big mess.
“Henry, I feel like we keep ending up in this place and I don’t even know what to think anymore. You tell me you have feelings for me. You tell me that you never want to hurt me. But yet, you just don’t give me what I want. You never seem to be here for me in the way that I want you to be. I just don’t even know what to say anymore.”
“Claudia, I don’t even know what to say anymore. This is getting ridiculous.” He sighed heavily and I watched as he put his face in his hands. I felt uncomfortable in that moment, like I was witnessing something private that I had no right to. All of a sudden I felt like some sort of invasive spy and it didn’t feel good.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Henry. The only person in my life that’s seen the real me. That doesn’t judge me. That doesn’t make assumptions about me.” Claudia’s eyes welled up and I looked away from the table as I felt my own heart racing at her words.
“I’m not that special, C.” Henry’s voice dropped. “I’m not that great.”
“I love you so much. I just don’t understand.” Claudia’s voice broke. “I’m sorry, I said I wouldn’t do this. Not again.”
“Please don’t cry, Claudia. I’m not going anywhere.” He squeezed her hands and it felt like he was squeezing and pulling my heart out from my chest.
“But you don’t love me.”
“You know I love you.” My heart died a million times as I listened to his words.
“Not in the way that I love you. Not in the way that I want to be loved.” Claudia started crying then. “I can’t stand it that you don’t love me. I can’t stand it that you don’t adore me.”
“Claudia.” Henry reached over and pulled her hands closer to him. “Please don’t cry.”
“You used to love me. You used to think the world of me.”
“I still think the world of you.”
“I wanted it to be us against the world.” Claudia rubbed her eyes and I wished more than anything that I was anywhere but here, witnessing this moment. I was ashamed of myself and I was depressed.
“Claudia.” He sighed.
“Don’t give up on me, Henry. Please, don’t.”
“I’ll never give up on you, Claudia. I will never give up on you.”
“But you can never love me.” She sighed.
And then I looked at Henry and the pain on his face was unmistakable. My heart ached for him and for her and selfishly for myself as well. This was something that I didn’t expect. I’d come here hoping to figure out what was going on. Why Henry seemed to be so elusive, why he didn’t want to fall in love. I’d thought it would be easy to hate him. Easy to figure out that he was a player and a bad guy and to hate him. But this was an emotional mess. This was complex and complicated and I didn’t even understand what was truly going on. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to understand. It wasn’t my business. I shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached. I’d only had one night with him and after witnessing this mess; I knew I should run away as fast as I could.
“I still have it you know.” Claudia said softly and my ears perked up. Have what? My thoughts ran wild for a second. Was she going to say she still had his baby? Oh my God? What if they had a kid together? What would I say? What would I do? I almost laughed at my thoughts. I was a really big idiot. It really wouldn’t matter what I thought or said; it had nothing to do with me.
“What’s that?” Henry sounded curious, rather than worried and scared.
“That teddy bear you won for me at that two bit county fair you took me to.” She smiled at him and started giggling, in a girly way that somehow softened her, and it made her even more beautiful and me even more morose.
“What teddy bear?” Henry sounded confused and I wondered at how quickly their conversation had changed from deep and depressing to talk of a fair.
“You don’t remember?” She sounded mad and I watched as she pouted, wiped away her tears daintily and gave him a small glare. I frowned slightly as she applied her lipstick and fluffed her hair. She didn’t look quite as sad anymore and a part of me wondered if this was all part of a game for her.
“No, Claudia.” He sighed and my heart nearly froze as I saw him looking around. My whole body turned hot as I thought he was going to see me. He stopped right before he would have seen me. “The service here isn’t good. Shall we go somewhere else?” he asked her as he stood up. I bent down in my seat quickly just in case he decided to look over at me. I stayed like that for what felt like five minutes and I only sat back up when I realized someone was standing next to my table.
“Can I help you, miss?” An older lady looked at me with a bored expression, a toothpi
ck between her teeth.
“Uh, no thanks.” I shook my head and glanced over to Claudia’s table. They had left. “I think I’ll just go, but thanks.” I gave her a quick smile and jumped up, hurrying toward the exit. My brain was racing and all I wanted to do was go home and talk to Eliza.
Chapter Eleven
I walked back into the house feeling sick to my stomach. The tears were fresh in my eyes. I could barely breathe and I didn’t even know what to think or feel. I felt like an idiot for even being upset. What did I have to be upset about? Henry didn’t owe me anything. He hadn’t even lied to me. He hadn’t done anything to me that he shouldn’t have. He hadn’t betrayed me. He’d made me no promises. Yet, I just wanted to collapse into tears and sob my heart out. I wanted to scream at him. Wanted to punch him in the chest. Wanted to ask him how he could hurt me like that. I wanted to know just who Claudia was? I wanted to stop the incredible jealousy and heartache I felt in my body every time I thought of them together. The words he’d said to her. He loved her. He loved her. He didn’t even particularly like me. Definitely didn’t love me. I didn’t know why I was putting myself in this situation.
“Is that you, Lacey?” Eliza headed toward the front door as I walked in.
“Yup, it’s me,” I said, closing the door behind me slowly, so that she couldn’t study my face. I didn’t want her to see that I’d been crying. I knew I’d gotten what I deserved. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I shouldn’t have gotten into this mess in the first place. I should have known better. “I should have known better,” I muttered to myself.
“What?” Eliza asked as she stepped toward me.
“Nothing,” I said, not looking at her, no longer wanting to talk about what had happened.
“Did you have a good night?” she asked as she followed me down the corridor. “I thought I heard you coming in late last night, but then when I went to your room this morning you were gone.”
“It was fine,” I said, feeling none of the fun and excitement that I had the night before. All of my joy had gone.
“Just fine?” She followed me into my bedroom and I finally decided to turn around and look at her.
“Just fine.” I nodded as I gazed at her concerned look. “He was amazing. And yes, I slept with him.” I sighed, knowing she wouldn’t judge me, but feeling a little easy.
“How was it?”
“I don’t think there are words that can describe the way I felt when I was with him.” I gave her a small smile. “I don’t know that I even want to try and find the words.”
“That good, huh?”
“Even better.” I gave her a weak smile.
“So why are you so sad?” She frowned as she walked over to me. “What’s wrong?”
“He has someone else.” I collapsed back onto my bed, not wanting to stand anymore. The energy felt like it had been zapped from me and I didn’t want to have to pretend I was okay anymore.
“What do you mean he has someone else?” She made a face. “I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised, but how do you know? Did he tell you? And if he did, why would he do that?”
“He didn’t exactly tell me.” I made a face back at her and sighed. “I mean, he’s told me not to fall in love with him already. And it’s not like he’s my boyfriend, but I didn’t know he would have other women.”
“What other women?” Eliza came and sat down next to me.
“Oh man, this is a bit embarrassing.” I looked at her and giggled slightly, out of nervousness. “Okay, this is going to make me look bad, but you will not believe what I did this morning.” I settled back on the bed and proceeded to tell her everything that had happened the night before and that morning.
***
The funny part about life is that no matter how badly you want something to be true, you can’t make it be true. No matter how badly you want someone to feel something for you, you can’t make them feel something for you.
When it hurts like it does now, all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is curl up under the covers, close my eyes and pretend that everything is okay. Or at least doesn’t matter. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want him in my heart, in my thoughts, in my mind. I don’t want him taking over everything. Like he always does. Since I’ve met him, Henry has completely taken over my life and my mind. As I sat there listening to Eliza try and help me I knew that without a doubt, I’d gone and done the stupidest thing. I’d gone and fallen in love with him.
You know the scariest thing about love? It’s not the depth of emotion or the fear that it may end. It’s not the pangs and the heartache. Or the pitter-patter of joy whenever you see the person. The scariest thing about love is the knowing that one person means more to you than you mean to yourself. It’s knowing that one person controls your heart and soul and can do with it what they want. It’s knowing that they live inside of you and that each breath you take is for them. For one more glimpse of their face, one more touch of their hands, one more kiss from their lips, one more whisper from their mouth, one more smile from their eyes. Love, true love, is knowing that all control has been taken from you. The birds in the sky may still sing, but their melody means nothing if your love is not near. That’s the scariest thing. The most precious thing. I curled up in a ball as the weight of my feelings hit me.
The tears ran down my face as the realization of everything ran through my veins. I was lying to myself. I wasn’t just hoping that he would change and fall in love with me. I wasn’t just praying and wishing on stars. A part of me actually believed it was inevitable. And that was the scariest part. A part of me believed that he loved me as I loved him. And I knew, from the depths of everything inside of me that I was wrong. I knew that no matter how badly I wanted him, he would never be truly mine and that killed me. What do you do when your heart doesn’t want to know the truth? How do you handle that?
“Oh Lacey, don’t cry.” Eliza put her arms around me and held me. “You really don’t know who this Claudia is. She could be his sister.”
“She’s not his sister,” I blurted out through my tears. “Who is engaged to their sister?” My voice caught and I wanted to scream at myself. “I don’t understand why I’ve fallen for him so quickly. We only had sex once.”
“Lacey, you’ve been falling for him,” Eliza said. “We both know you fall quickly and this guy, well, he’s really swept you off of your feet.”
“I’m an idiot.” I sighed. “Why me?”
“Lacey, listen to yourself.” Eliza growled. “You’re stronger than this. Don’t let him get you down. Remember you were doing this for your book.”
“I don’t even care about the book anymore,” I said pathetically. “Oh my God, I really suck, don’t I?”
“Don’t say that. You could never suck. You’re an amazing girl, Lacey.”
“Really?” I laughed through my tears. “What about me is amazing? I’m a hot mess.” I shook my head and sat up. “I’ve fallen for a guy that I barely know.”
“It happens to the best of us.”
“After he told me to not fall for him.” I shook my head again. “Let’s be real here. There aren’t many fools bigger than me.”
“Stop.” Eliza glared at me. “You’re getting on my nerves. You’re not a fool. Maybe you just need to forget him.”
“Easier said than done.” I collapsed back onto the bed dramatically.
“If he’s not the one and this is too hard for you, then maybe just stop talking to him.”
“I couldn’t do that,” I said, panicking at the thought of never seeing him again. “I mean, what would he think?”
“Who cares?” She glared at me.
“I still need to—”
“Ugh, Lacey.” She cut me off. “You’re not going to stop talking to him are you?”
“No,” I squeaked out.
“Then you know what you have to do,” she said with a thoughtful expression on her face.
“What?”
“You need to find someone else.
”
“Waaaa? Waaa?” I said, my words indecipherable. “I mean what?” I giggled.
“You need a new man, so you’re not just focused on Henry and maybe then he’ll also see you have options and not take you for granted.”
“Where am I supposed to find another man?”
“Uhm, go to a bar, online dating, sports games?” Eliza said with a shrug. “There are ways. You just need to keep your mind occupied. I’m worried about you.”
“Because my heart is breaking?”
“No.” She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m worried because you’re being overly dramatic and I know you, you’re going to get even more invested and it’s not going to go well.”
“Well thanks.” I stuck my tongue out at her.
“Lacey, I’m not trying to be mean, but…” She paused as I stared at her and then shook her head. “Anyways, try meeting some new guys and we’ll see what happens.”
“Hmm, I guess I can try.” I made a face at her and then froze as I felt my phone vibrating. I grabbed it and looked down at the screen. “It’s Henry,” I said excitedly. “Ooh, it’s Henry.”
“Don’t answer it,” Eliza said as I pressed the green button. She rolled her eyes at me as I spoke into the phone.
“Hello,” I said, trying to sound casual and not as if I’d just been sobbing over him.
“Lacey,” his voice was a silky drawl and I melted as the sound poured into my ear.
“Hey, Henry,” I said, unable to stop the happy tone in my voice. Why oh why was I already so attached to this man?
“What are you doing?” he asked softly.
“Just hanging out with, Eliza. Why?”
“I was thinking about you,” he said. “Everything okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“You left so abruptly last night. I wanted to make sure that everything was okay between us. That you didn’t regret last night.”
“I’m fine,” I said softly as my brain screamed at me. Ask him about Claudia. Ask him about Claudia. Of course, I knew I couldn’t do that.
“Can I see you tonight?”
