by J. S. Cooper
“No.” He shook his head and smirked. “I have plans this weekend. I was just curious if you were going to be doing anything.”
“I see.” I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from saying something rude to him. My heart sunk like the Titanic at his words and all my hopes faded just as quickly as they’d entered me.
“It doesn’t seem like you have much going on though.” He looked like the cat that had just licked a bowl of cream clean and I could feel myself feeling annoyed. “That’s a bit sad for you.”
“I have a date, actually.” I’m not sure why I lied, most probably I wanted to make him jealous and wipe the smirk off of his face.
“You have a date?” His eyes flew to mine and I could see that he wasn’t as happy as he was before. His eyes bore into mine searchingly and I knew that he didn’t fully believe me. Then he froze. “With Jake?” His tone was cutting.
“No, not with Jake. We don’t have a date set up yet. It’s a first date with someone else. A blind date,” I said, with a small smile, trying to pretend that I was embarrassed. “We met online,” I continued to lie smoothly, not knowing how I was able to lie so easily.
“You’ve been online dating?” His voice was rough and his eyes narrowed. “Since when?”
“Uh huh, that would explain how I have a date.” I looked down, praying he didn’t ask me what app I was on or the name of the man I was going to meet. “And what do you mean since when?” Was there a way for him to find out if I was actually online? I’d have to create some accounts really quickly.
“You didn’t tell me you’ve been online dating,” he said accusingly and I shrugged.
“You never asked.” I looked up at him and licked my lips nervously. “Plus you made it clear that what we had wasn’t a relationship and so I felt like I was free to look for someone that wants a real relationship.” I let the words out; cringing inside at how jealous and insecure I sounded.
“A real relationship?” He raised an eyebrow. “What’s a real relationship? Am I not satisfying you?”
“You’re fine…in bed.” I sighed, not wanting to answer his question properly. Yes, he was satisfying me in bed, but no he wasn’t satisfying my emotional needs. But I couldn’t expect him to fulfill my emotional needs. He’d already told me that all he was about was the physical contact. He hadn’t lied to me; even though I knew I wanted more than that from him. “Yes, you’re good at sex,” I said crudely. “But sex isn’t the be all and end all of everything. Sex doesn’t equal a real relationship.”
“What is better than sex in a relationship?” he asked with a puzzled look on his face, as if he were truly confused.
“Are you joking?” I shook my head at him, not really wanting to get into the conversation with him.
“Joking about what?” He tilted his head and studied my face. “The most exciting and fun part of being in a relationship is the sex and if you’re getting good sex from me, I don’t understand what the problem is? Do labels really mean that much to you? Why do you feel the need to online date?”
“Labels?” I frowned. “What labels?” I could feel myself getting angry. Was he really questioning me? Did he think his lack of commitment was okay? That this situation could possibly last? That I wouldn’t want more.
“The boyfriend and girlfriend label. That’s so high school,” he said with a smirk. “Does that make women feel better about having sex?” He gave me a questioning look.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Have I asked you to be my boyfriend?” My heart was thudding and I could feel myself starting to get upset. I really wanted to question him about Claudia, but I knew it would be a mistake.
“No, but I assume that’s why you’re going on a date? So you can find someone to be your boyfriend?” He said the word as if it were distasteful on his lips and I hugged my bag to me tightly, wondering why on earth I’d allowed myself to get into this situation with him. Why I’d allowed him to get inside of my head. Why I’d thought I could handle this friends with benefits situation. I was an idiot. I knew myself and I knew that I wasn’t emotionally equipped for a situation like this. I didn’t know how I could be sleeping with him and not knowing what he was doing with other women. I couldn’t handle this situation.
“Why are we talking about this? What do you care? Why did you ask me here today? I still don’t really know.” My voice was tinged with anger and my body was shaking. I just wanted to get out of his office and go home.
“Lacey, I know that this is all a new experience for you. I know that you might have some reservations and that’s okay.” Henry looked at me with a serious expression on his face.
“What’s a new experience for me?” I frowned.
“Being in a non-monogamous relationship,” he said smoothly and I swallowed hard as he said the words. Was that what this was then? Was he confirming that he was sleeping with other women? “I have an idea,” he continued.
“An idea?” I looked at him skeptically. Was there really anything that he could say that would make me think that this was a good idea? I already wanted to ask him what the deal was with Claudia, but I knew that it was none of my business and he’d be unlikely to answer. Unfortunately that didn’t stop it from being constantly on my mind. Oh, the questions I had and the jealousy I felt. It wasn’t a good thing. I didn’t want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, but I didn’t even know how to bring that up with him. Was that even a relationship?
“Yes, an idea.” Suddenly he smiled. “I have to go to Thailand for work for a week. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?”
“To Thailand?” My heart thudded at his words. Did he really want me to go to Thailand with him? Why?
“Yes, Thailand. Have you ever been before?” His eyes gazed into mine as he waited for my answer.
“No, never,” I said slowly, visions of the two of us in an exotic land filling my mind. “I’ve always wanted to go though.”
“I think it would be an excellent adventure. Thailand is a gorgeous country. Though to be fair, we wouldn’t be in Bangkok or Chiang-Mai. I’m going to a couple of the islands.”
“Islands?” I repeated, not really sure what islands he was talking about. I didn’t even know that Thailand had islands.
“Yeah, Thailand has a bunch of small beautiful islands. I have some hotel investments on some of the islands and I just want to check in with the individual managers. It’s important for them to know that I can and will pop in randomly to make sure that they are on top of their game. It helps to keep them in check.”
“Makes sense.” I nodded in agreement, though my mind was completely blown away by what he’d said. Hotel investments in Thailand? Whoa! I knew he was rich, but I hadn’t imagined how wide the scope of his investments was.
“So what do you say? Do you want to come with me?” He looked boyish and sweet and I stared at him for a few seconds before saying anything else. What did I want to do? What would be a good suggestion for my mental health? I didn’t even know. Actually that was a lie. I knew what I shouldn’t do. I shouldn’t go. I should just forget him. I should move on with my life. He would be nothing but trouble. He was already nothing but trouble and I knew that I was just opening myself up to more heartbreak. But a part of me didn’t care about that. A part of me was still willing to take the risk. A part of me still had hope that perhaps, and this was a stupid hope, he might actually be able to give me what I needed. Though I knew that the likelihood of that was close to zero.
“Lacey? Do you want to come with me?” His voice was soft and as I gazed into his caring green, deceptive eyes, I knew that there was only one answer to his question. I couldn’t stop myself, no matter how badly I thought the outcome would be. No matter how damaged I might become. It didn’t matter to me because I knew I would always be wondering what if, if I didn’t do it. And I was determined not to live my life with what ifs anymore. I was determined that I would actually do things that I wanted to do without being wary of the outcome
. Life was too short to have misgivings and worries. I didn’t want to live my life with regrets. And maybe I would regret the decision I was about to make. Maybe I would regret it gravely, but I would rather make the mistake now and live my life than not make the mistake and always wonder if something would have been different.
“I’ll do it.” I nodded slowly; sure I was making the worst decision possible, but not even caring. “I’ll go with you to Thailand.”
“Great.” A wide smile overtook his face and I laughed as he reached his arms around me and pulled me close to him. “It’ll be great,” he said. “I’m going to show you an amazing time.”
“I sure hope so.” I giggled, caught up by his enthusiasm, excitement filling me as we stared at each other. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the moment that I lost a piece of my self-respect. That was the moment that should have indicated to me that I had lost all of my self-esteem. That was the moment that redefined me as a person. I didn’t really want this kind of life. I didn’t want to be with a man that couldn’t commit to me. I’d never wanted that. In fact, I was the opposite. I wanted a man that would love me to the ends of the earth and back. I wasn’t sure how I’d let him talk me into such a situation. I really wasn’t sure at all.
“No need to hope.” He winked and then paused. “There’s one thing though.”
“Oh.” My heart sank. I hoped that he wasn’t going to tell me not to fall in love with him again. I sure didn’t need that. If he said that, I would back out. I wouldn’t go. I knew I was being stupid and that the mere fact that he was giving me these cautions and I was ignoring them was reason enough for me to not go.
“Don’t pack more than shorts and bathing suits.” He grinned and all of a sudden I didn’t feel so bad anymore. He was still being light-hearted. Maybe if I could be as light-hearted as him, it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe this would be a way for me to stop caring so much. Maybe this would be a way for me to stop investing so quickly and so deeply into relationships. Maybe he would stop me from getting carried away. Maybe, just maybe, this would be really helpful for me. I doubted it, but one could always hope.
“Is that all you had to say to me?” I asked, my heart in my throat. Please don’t say anything that will make me regret saying yes to coming on this trip. Please don’t say that this is all about sex. I wanted, well a part of me wanted, to be able to pretend that there was some romance to this trip. Even though, I knew that was the last thing that I should be thinking about or hoping for.
“Is there something else that you want me to say?”
“No, not really.” Just that you love me. The words popped into mind and I wanted to groan out loud as soon as I thought them. I wanted to slap myself for even thinking the words. Of course he would never say he loved me. He didn’t love me and the mere fact that that had even popped into my head scared me. It was in that moment that I knew that I was really and truly falling in love with him. Though, obviously, there was no way in hell that I was going to say the words and tell him that. Not even as a joke. Even though a part of me wanted to test it and see what he would say if I told him I loved him and asked if he loved me too. Part of me hoped that he would look at me and his expression would change and he would become super caring and he would say something like, “Oh, Lacey, I’m so glad that you asked me that question. I didn’t know how to tell you that I’d fallen in love with you. I know I warned you to not fall in love with me and I know that I’ve led you to believe that I don’t do relationships, but I lied. Well, not really lied. I didn’t know that I could feel this way until I met you. You Lacey, you have made me a believer in love.” I started giggling at the pathetic nature of my thoughts and I noticed Henry looking at me with a strange frown on his face.
“Lacey?” He pursed his lips. “Are you sure that there’s nothing else that you want to say to me? What are you giggling about?”
“Yes, I’m sure. What else would I want to say?” I looked at him with a blank expression on my face. Do not let him know I’m crazy. Do not say anything that will let him know that I’m crazy.
“I don’t know. You just look like there’s something else that you want to say to me.”
“No, nothing that I can think of,” I said smoothly, willing every other part of my brain to stop working in overdrive, so that I didn’t accidentally say something that I shouldn’t. “I should go now though, really and truly. I have to get some work done.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “I’ll call you later.”
“Okay,” I said in response, as I hurried out of his office, my stomach in knots and my head already pounding wondering if I’d gone and made another terrible mistake.
Chapter Fourteen
“What are you up to tonight then?” Eliza asked me, as she got ready to leave the apartment to go away for a long weekend with her boyfriend, Scott.
“I’ll most probably watch TV and eat lots of ice cream.” I laughed. “Oh and I need to join an online dating app.”
“You’re going to start dating?” Eliza looked at me excitedly and I just nodded. She didn’t need to know that I was only doing it because I’d told Henry that I was going on a first date tonight.
“Mhhmm,” I said as I started to feel guilty. “I need to meet some new men.” Which was true. I did need to meet some new guys. I couldn’t continue living my life as if I thought something real was going to happen between Henry and myself. I was starting to feel like I was a little bit obsessed with him.
“I agree.” Eliza nodded. “I want to help you set up the profile.” She collapsed down on the couch next to me. “Have you created your profile yet?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I need to do it later. Also, isn’t Scott waiting on you?”
“He can wait a little longer. This is exciting.” She grinned at me. “Hand over your phone and let’s get started.”
“What? Right now?”
“Well duh.” She rolled her eyes. “Let’s find you a hot man.”
“Wow, you really don’t like Henry, do you?”
“Henry’s fine.” She made a face. “But where’s that really going?” She paused and then continued. “Nowhere, that’s where it’s going. You need to meet a nice guy. A cool guy. A guy that will put you first. A guy that will treat you like a queen. A guy that has no doubts.”
“I do want to meet a guy like that,” I said wistfully, though part of me wished that guy would be Henry. “Okay, let’s set it up,” I said as my thoughts drifted to Henry again. I didn’t want to think about him anymore. I needed to get him off of my mind. I needed to move on. If I was going to have any dealings with Henry, I needed to have other guys in my life as well or he would drive me crazy.
“Okay, so what sort of guy do you want?” Eliza said as she settled in next to me. “What does your dream guy look like? Height? Hair color? Age?”
“Ugh, I have no idea.” I made a face. “I guess six foot plus would be nice.” I laughed. “No preference to hair color or eye color. I guess any guys over twenty-five.”
“Do you have an age limit?”
“Uhm?” I bit down on my lower lip. “I don’t know? Maybe thirty-five?”
“Yeah, that sounds reasonable.”
“Any preference as to race?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Just a nice guy.”
“What about religion?”
“Don’t care about that either.” I paused. “As long as he’s not a Satanist. No Satanists, please.”
“Haha, I think that’s a fair request.” Eliza laughed. “Weight?”
“Average to hot body, haha.” I winked at her. “A little extra weight is fine as well. More to cuddle.”
“You’re so not picky, are you?”
“No, I’m really not.” I laughed. “So why am I having such a hard time meeting a guy?”
“You haven’t really been looking, Lacey.” Eliza gave me a look.
“Yeah, yeah, true, true.” I watched as she input stuff into my phone. “What’s next then?
”
“Next we write about you.”
“Oh boy.” I made a face. “What do I say about me that doesn’t make me sound absolutely boring and inane.”
“Let’s see. Beautiful, single, fun, adventurous girl seeks handsome, fun-loving, intelligent man. I am interested in literature, movies, concerts, sports…” She gave me a look as I groaned. “You do like some sports.”
“Not really.” I shook my head. “Take that part out. I don’t want the guy to think I lied and I don’t really want to meet a meathead.”
“Fine, fine. I’ll take out the sports part,” she said with a rueful smile. “This is so exciting. Shall we start swiping?”
“Already? Is that all I have to say about myself? That doesn’t seem like much.”
“Oops, we did forget one thing.”
“Ooh what?” I looked at her curiously.
“Photos. What photos shall we upload?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You got any ideas?”
“What about those photos from when we went to the beach last summer?”
“The ones where I’m in a bikini?” I frowned at her. “I don’t think so, Eliza.” I gave her an incredulous look. “I’ll look like a ho.”
“No, you look sweet and sexy.”
“I don’t want to look sexy in my pics.”
“Yes, you do.” Eliza grinned. “You’ll get more guys and hotter guys.”
“And more perverted guys. No thank you.” I shook my head. “Eliza.” I rolled my eyes at her as she started laughing.
