by J. S. Cooper
“I’m sorry,” I said and bit down on my lower lip. To think just fifteen minutes ago we’d come into this room about to make mad passionate love and now here we were having the deepest conversation that either of us had ever had.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault.” He shrugged. “I just don’t do love anymore. It’s not worth it.”
“And you don’t like to be in a relationship for the same reason.”
“Maybe one day I’ll be in a relationship again. Maybe someday.” He shrugged. “I’m not interested in that right now. Like I’ve said, I just want to live my life and have fun.”
“I see. I appreciate your honesty.” I rubbed my nose as I looked at him. I had to hold my breath for a few seconds because I didn’t want to cry.
“I’m so glad I met you, Lacey.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “You’re someone special to me.” He paused and kissed me on the lips briefly. “You’re someone I’m so happy to have met.”
“I’m glad I met you as well,” I said, but I was lying. I wished I’d never met him. My heart was heavy with an ache I’d never experienced before in my life. I loved this man so deeply and it was killing me to know that he would never love me and he would never be mine. I didn’t want to think about him loving another woman or being with other women. “So, how many women are you currently seeing?” I asked him casually.
“Seeing?” He frowned. “You mean as in dating?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m not dating anyone.” He looked uncomfortable. “You know we’re not dating right.”
“I know we’re not in a relationship, yes,” I said, starting to feel sick.
“We’re not in a relationship and we’re not dating. That’s the reality of the situation.”
“I know that. I didn’t say that we were.” My words sounded defensive and I was angry through my hurt.
“I just wanted to make sure that you knew that.” He sighed. “I’m not really sure what you were asking. How many women am I seeing?” He shrugged. “I take women on dates. We do things…” His voice trailed off. “But let’s not talk about me. I’m sure these aren’t things that you want to hear.”
“You’re right,” I said and looked down at the ground. We do things? What sort of things was he doing? Was he admitting to me that he had sex with other women? I felt sick to my stomach. “I think I should leave.”
“Why? Is it something I said?” He looked upset. “I knew that I shouldn’t have told you about the reasons why.”
“It’s not that,” I lied. “Well, maybe a little bit.” I made a face. “I’ve just never met someone like you.”
“I know.” He made a face. “I try to be honest. I know you’re a good girl and most probably this isn’t your first choice of the type of relationship you want to be in.”
“But we’re not in a relationship,” I said with a sharp tone.
“Yeah, but you know what I mean.” He made a face. “This is complicated, isn’t it?”
“It is a lot more complicated than I would have liked.” I nodded. “I like you Henry. I enjoy spending time with you, but this is a lot for me to take on emotionally. I just don’t know if I want to be in this situation. I feel like I could get really hurt. I’m not like you. I can’t just sleep with someone and have fun and have everything be okay. I need for things to be stable.” I tried to express myself as honestly as possible without sounding too weird. He deserved to know part of the truth. He’d been honest with me.
“I don’t want you to get hurt. That would be the worst thing that could happen in this situation. I would never want to hurt you.”
“I know. You’re a good guy,” I said and this time it was me who leaned in to kiss him. “You’re a really good guy, Henry.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m that good.” He grinned and I felt his hands on my stomach and moving up.
“Oh yeah?” I winked at him and reached down and pulled my top off and threw it onto the ground. “I wouldn’t say that I’m that good either.”
“So you’re telling me that you’re a bad girl?” His eyes widened as I reached down to unclip my bra and then paused.
“I’m telling you that tonight I’m going to be whoever you want me to be.”
“Whoever I want you to be, huh?”
“Oh yeah.” I pushed him back toward the bed and grinned at the sexy smile he gave me as he stepped back and dropped down onto the bed. “I can be your sexiest dream and your naughtiest nightmare.” I jumped onto the bed next to him and lay my hand on his chest. “Actually that doesn’t sound so good, does it?” I laughed. “I don’t know that a naughty nightmare is something anyone really wants.”
“You can be as naughty as you want to be.” He grinned at me as he lay on his back. “By the way, you still have way too many clothes on.”
“I can start taking them all off, if you want.” I licked my lips. “Your wish is my command.”
“Tonight is my lucky night.” He winked at me again slowly. “Didn’t you just want to leave a couple of minutes ago?”
“I’ve changed my mind.” I pulled my jeans off and threw them onto the ground and then rolled over on top of him so that I could straddle him.”
“And I’m glad that you did.”
“I’m very glad I did as well.” I could feel his hardness beneath me and it gave me a sense of power that I loved. I knew it was a fleeting feeling of being in control, but I didn’t mind. In this moment, all I wanted to do was have some fun and enjoy. I could worry about everything else later.
“You’re so sexy, Lacey.” Henry’s voice was almost a growl as he stared up at me like a hungry wolf.
“I try my best, big boy.” I leaned forward and kissed down his chest until I came to the top of his boxer shorts. I could feel his heart racing as my fingers ran along his cotton drawers and inched down the middle of the seam. I ran my fingers lightly along his hardening shaft and grinned as I felt his sharp intake of breath.
“What are you doing to me, Lacey?” He grabbed my wrists. “Are you trying to tease me?”
“I’m going to do a lot more than tease you, Henry. I’m going to rock your world,” I purred.
“Who is this Lacey and where has she been all of my life?” His voice was deep and raw as I pulled his briefs off quickly. “Lacey.” He groaned as my fingers took a hold of him and ran up and down his now erect penis.
“Right here.” I laughed as I lowered my mouth and took him between my lips.
“Oh my God, don’t stop.” He reached up and pulled on my hair slightly as I sucked him off and bobbed up and down on his cock. He tasted salty on my lips and I breathed in his deep musky masculine scent as I took him deeper and deeper into my mouth. He writhed on the bed underneath me and I could feel myself growing wetter and wetter as he continued to grow in my mouth. I wanted so badly to feel him inside of me. But I was going to wait.
“Stop,” he said and pulled my mouth up. “I want to feel you on top of me, now.”
“Now?” I grinned as I leaned up.
“Yes.” He reached down and I felt him unhooking the back of my bra. “Now.” He grinned as I lifted my arms off his chest, so that he could pull my bra off quickly and I smiled as he threw it onto the ground. I reached down and pulled my panties off quickly, so that I was also completely naked. I moved myself on top of him and rubbed myself on his hardness. I moaned loudly as he grabbed a hold of my hips and pulled me directly on top of him so that he was thrusting into me, even though I was on top of him. I cried out as I rocked my hips back and forth and bounced on top of him. He filled me up completely and I could barely stop myself from screaming as the pleasure filled me up so completely. He was deep inside of me and I couldn’t imagine him being any deeper. It felt so hot and sexy and I couldn’t think about anything other than the look on his face as we moved back and forth in rocking harmony.
“You feel so good.” He groaned up at me and I looked down as he closed his eyes. He had a satisfied smirk on his face
and I could feel myself losing control as I closed my eyes and moved faster on top of him. “Oh fuck.” He grabbed my hips and started moving me back and forth on top of him even faster than I’d been moving before.
“Henry,” I screamed out his name. “Henry,” I cried out as I orgasmed on top of him and it was only then as our bodies rocked together in complete pleasure that I thought about protection. Fuck it! How could I have been so stupid? I thought to myself as I collapsed on top of him. I rolled over to the side and placed my head on his chest and we just held each other for a few seconds in the blissful afterglow of good sex.
“Lacey, you’re absolutely amazing and I just want you to know that,” he whispered into my ear as he held me and rubbed my hair. “Just beautiful.”
***
I must have fallen asleep because I woke up the next morning to someone banging on the door.
“Ugh,” Henry said as he sat up. He had a slight frown on his face. “I’m not sure who that is. Excuse me.”
“Okay.” I smiled at him shyly and then blushed as he leaned down and kissed me on the lips.
“Morning, beautiful,” he said, his eyes lighting up as he looked down at me.
“Morning, handsome,” I said and reached up and touched the side of his face.
Bang bang. Went the knocking on the door and I watched as Henry grabbed his boxers and slid them on and walked out of the room and toward the front door.
“Henry, what have you been doing?” The voice was feminine and loud and immediately I knew it was Claudia. I froze on the bed, my heart thudding as my body grew hot and cold.
“Claudia, what are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I’ve been calling you all night.”
“I’ve been busy.” I heard him, his voice sounding distressed. I jumped up off of the bed and grabbed my jeans and top and hurried to the door. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing, but I wanted him to know that I knew. I wanted answers. “You should go.”
“Henry, I need you.” Her voice broke. “This has been hard for me. This all feels so raw.”
“Claudia,” He paused. “I don’t know what to say. This isn’t a good time.”
“You told me you loved me. You told me you would always be here for me.” Her voice sounded sad and I looked at her face as I walked toward them. Her face looked red and I could see tears in her eyes. “Henry…” she squeaked as she looked up and saw me. She gave me a blank stare and then he turned around and looked at me. His expression didn’t change as he looked at me and I was surprised. I thought he’d look guilty at least.
“Claudia.” He turned around and looked back at the beautiful woman next to him. “Go to the living room. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Okay.” She nodded, her eyes staring at me with such sadness that I felt guilty and sad, all at the same time. “I’ll be waiting.”
“Henry,” I said softly. “What’s going on?” I walked over to him, my breath in my throat. “Who’s that?”
“I don’t want to get into this right now.” He shook his head. “Sorry.”
“I see.” I bit down on my lower lip. “Do you want me to leave?”
“It might be best.” He lightly touched my shoulder, but I could see from the look in his eyes that he was distracted. “I’ll call you later?” he said, almost nonchalantly, as if this was not the most horrific situation he could have found himself in.
“Are you going to explain to me what’s going on? Who Claudia is?” My voice rose and I could feel myself getting heated. Did he really think I was just going to leave as if everything were okay?
“Lacey.” He sounded annoyed. “I don’t need this right now.”
“You’re seriously not going to tell me?” I said in disbelief. “Don’t you think you at least owe me the respect of telling me what’s going on?”
“I don’t owe you anything,” he snapped. “Look, now is not a good time.” He shook his head. “I can’t do this right now.”
“I just want to know what’s going on, Henry. I like you.” My voice broke and I felt embarrassed, but I had to tell him how I felt. “I really like you and you have me so confused. I just don’t know what you’re thinking or feeling. And who is Claudia?” I stood there with my heart in my mouth, my stomach clenching as I waited for him to respond. “You have to understand where I’m coming from. We…we just made love…” My voice trailed off as I stared at his stony face.
“I don’t have time for this, Lacey.”
“Do you want me to just go then?”
“Yes,” he said, his words sounding cruel. “I need you to leave, now.”
“Fine.” I hurried back to his room and grabbed my bag, tears streaming down my face. “I’m leaving.” I ran back past him in the living room. He stared at me with a blank expression on his face and in that moment, I felt like the most heartbroken woman in the world. I was a big fool. I couldn’t believe that I had allowed him to break my heart once again.
“I’ll call you,” he said as I hurried out the door.
“Don’t bother,” I said as I looked back at him with hatred in my eyes. “What’s the fucking point?” I slammed the door shut behind me and burst into tears. I didn’t want to deal with this anymore. I didn’t want to hurt like this anymore. And now I knew, he was an asshole. An asshole that didn’t even care enough to be concerned about my feelings. He didn’t even care to tell me who Claudia was or why she’d showed up. I meant nothing to him. I was nothing. And I’d allowed him to do this to me. I’d allowed him to use me. Just because I loved him. I knew now it was time to love myself more. I needed to move on with my life. I needed to forget him. I’d fallen for him. Given him my heart and it wasn’t enough. It was never going to be enough. As the tears streamed down my face, all I wanted was to turn around and run back to him. To beg him to explain. To beg him to care. To beg him to want me. Why oh why couldn’t he love me as I loved him?
Chapter Eighteen
He only tried calling me twice in the next week. I didn’t answer the phone and neither time did he leave a voicemail. He didn’t text me and he didn’t try and see me. And that stung. It stung more than anything had ever stung before in my life. But as much as it stung, it was a constant reminder that I was nothing to him. If he cared about me at all, he’d try harder. He’d want to explain. He’d want to make me feel better.
It’s hardest in the morning. Right before the sun rises and everyone else is still asleep, I lie there and just let my mind wander. In the very early hours of the morning, I feel him, I see him, I hear him. But he’s not there. He’s not with me. Our “relationship” lasted forty-three days. Yes, I counted. And every single time that realization hits me, I feel empty. I chose him. And he didn’t chose me. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to adore him. My heart wanted to cherish him. I chose him. Over and over again. And I did that even though I knew that I shouldn’t have. I kept going back. Even though I knew that he wasn’t mine to choose. I’d made a decision to keep giving him a second chance and it had blown up in my face. And now I was empty inside. Now I was left with nothing but emptiness and sorrow. Now I was left with a heavy heart. And even though my heart was heavy, it was still full at the same time. It was full of love and regret and a strange elation. An elation that was happy to have at least known him. An elation that was happy to have touched him. To have been with him. An elation that still provided me with hope. The hope that was now silently killing me. The hope that wanted to believe that one day, one morning, I’d wake up and he’d be there. He’d see me, he’d hear me, he’d feel me. He’d just be here. With me. The hope that made me believe that there was still a chance. Even when every ounce of me knew that he didn’t even deserve a second chance. He’d been horrible. He’d broken me. He’d been cruel. And the worst part was he didn’t even care. He was selfish and he didn’t deserve me or my love. I knew that deep down, but yet, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking it was my fault. If only I’d been better. Prettier. Smarter. Funnier. Skinnier. A
better lover. A better person. If only I could have changed. Maybe then he would have loved me. Maybe then he would have wanted to be with me. Maybe then he would have been able to let me in. I couldn’t fathom how it was possible for me to love him so much and for him to feel nothing for me.
There’s a feeling of not being good enough that burns in my soul. I’m not enough. I wasn’t enough. I’ll never be enough. And it kills me. It makes me want to cry tearless sobs. The questions that rumble through my inner body make me ache. Make me want to tear myself inside out. I want to know why. Why am I not good enough? Why am I not inside of his heart like he’s inside of mine? I know that I’ll never know the answer to those questions. I’ll never understand why I can love him so much and how he can just dismiss me without a second thought. It kills me. It literally kills me. And I know that if I closed my eyes and didn’t wake up; he wouldn’t care. And maybe a part of me wouldn’t care either. That’s how melodramatic my heartache has gotten me. That’s how depressed. How sad. How lonely. I don’t even feel the will to go on. I don’t feel the same passion. And I know that that needs to change. I need to be a new person. A better person. I can survive without him. I can be the one. If not for him. Then for someone. Someone will love me. I just need to see it through. I just need to let go. Once and for all. I have to get Henry out of my head. I have to be happy that he’s not reaching out to me and that he doesn’t care. I have to be happy because that’s the only way I’ll be able to move on.
***
“I’m letting go, Eliza.” I gave her a smile, though it pained me slightly. “I’m letting go.”
“Is that what you want?” she asked me, her eyes sad and searching as she gazed back at me.
“It’s not what my heart wants, no,” I said honestly. “I want him. I want him with all the wants in the world, but it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want me.” I sighed. “I’ve spent too many mornings waking up wishing I was with him. What’s the point? I don’t want to want something or rather someone that I can’t have. There’s just no point anymore.”
