by Jo Ramsey
So far, I hadn’t actually done it, but I’d been damn close at the beginning of the fallout from reporting Jim. I’d always managed to stop by reminding myself why I didn’t want to cut. I’d read about how it could become an addiction, and how it left scars forever. I liked my skin the way it was, and I refused to become addicted to anything. My life had gotten out of control, but there was no way in hell I would let something else control me.
But sometimes I still felt like I deserved to be hurt. And sometimes I wanted scars people could see, because no one besides my counselor and a couple of friends recognized the scars Jim had left. Right now, I was way too close to that head space.
I went to the contacts list on the phone and stared at Holly McCormack’s name. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have even had her number in my phone. Now she was one of the only names there, since I’d changed my number when the harassment started and hadn’t wanted most people to know the new number.
Until November, I’d never talked much to Holly or her cousin Evan. I’d known them. We lived in a small town, and it was hard not to know people at school. Especially Evan. He was the most flamboyantly gay guy around. He’d come out in fifth grade, and wore makeup and nail polish and sometimes even women’s clothes to school.
I’d admired his guts, but we weren’t in the same crowd. Neither were Holly and I. She was one of the drama geeks, as she put it, and we didn’t have anything in common.
Like a lot of things in my life lately, being friends with Holly and Evan was kind of Guillermo Garcia’s fault. Guillermo was an athlete, and he and I had the same friends and went to the same parties. He and I’d even gone to the Homecoming dance together, before he came out and admitted he was dating Evan. Not that I hadn’t figured out he was gay. He hadn’t even been willing to kiss me, let alone do more, and he just gave off that vibe to me.
Since he’d figured out that Jim had hurt me and convinced me to report it, even though four months had passed, he, Evan, and Holly all had my back. They were about the only ones who did anymore.
Out of the three of them, Holly was the only one I wanted to talk to at a time like this. She was the one I wanted to talk to most of the time. And now I really needed to talk to her. I didn’t want to bother her, because she was in most of my classes, so I knew how much homework she had. But I had to talk to someone, so I pressed her name.
“Hey, Chastaine.” Her warm voice pushed away some of the dark cloud over me. “Do you think the teachers get paid extra if they give us so much homework we don’t have time to sleep?”
“Who knows?” I tried to laugh and failed. I usually enjoyed Holly’s sense of humor, but tonight, nothing struck me as funny.
“Are you okay?” Paper rustled. “I guess you aren’t calling about the chemistry assignment.”
“Not really.” I hesitated. I spent way too much time whining to Holly.
“Tell me,” Holly said.
I took a deep breath and let it all out without giving myself time for second thoughts. “Jim pled guilty. He admitted what he did to me and Maryellen. The court’s going to sentence him. I don’t know when, and I don’t know what, but he’s going to pay. But people aren’t going to believe it even if he’s the one saying it. They’re still going to say Maryellen and I lied.” The words poured out of my mouth.
“Whoa. Slow down.” Again I heard rustling at her end of the phone. “He said he did it?”
“Yeah.” Tears started running down my cheeks, and this time I didn’t manage to hold back the sobs. I had no clue why I was crying. Jim pleading guilty was good news.
I was ruining my makeup and going back on my promise to myself to not let the jerks win. But now that I had someone listening to me, I couldn’t stop.
Holly didn’t say anything until I managed to calm down. “They’re going to send him to jail or something?”
“I don’t know yet. Whoever talked to my dad said Jim hasn’t been sentenced yet.” I didn’t even know for sure who Dad had talked to. The prosecutor, I guessed.
I started crying harder again, and my nose got all stuffed up, which annoyed the hell out of me since I didn’t have any tissues. I grabbed a shirt off the floor and held that against my nose. Holly’s breathing on the other end of the phone became a rope I held on to for a few minutes. Proof that someone was there for me.
Finally, she said, “Relief? Is that why you’re crying?”
“I don’t know.” I sniffled and tried to convince myself I was through with the tears. “Probably. Plus you’re listening to me. Most people don’t.”
“I’m not most people.” She paused. “All the crap you and Maryellen deal with. Maybe it’ll be over now. People will find out he pled guilty, and they’ll stop saying you’re lying and all the other stuff. And it’s about damn time. It isn’t right that you and Maryellen are getting the consequences for what Jim did.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me to come over?” she asked.
“Um.” I had to think about that one. Having her sitting beside me would make things a little easier, but it was getting late, at least by my parents’ standards. I wasn’t supposed to have company or leave the house after eight on school nights, and if I was already out, I had to be home before ten. Those had always been my rules, even before all the shit hit the fan. For some stupid reason, my parents thought being strict would keep me from doing things they considered wrong.
They’d pretty much figured out otherwise once the whole thing about Jim and my sex life came out, but they hadn’t let up on the rules. And I didn’t dare to ask if they would consider it.
“I can’t,” I said finally. “My parents.”
“Yeah, mine probably wouldn’t be happy if I took off.” She sounded disappointed. “They know how much homework I have. They pitched a fit about me even going to Evan’s for dinner, and he and I were working on our Spanish project while we ate.”
“I thought he’d end up working with Guillermo.” Spanish was one of the two classes Holly and I didn’t share. My parents had pushed me to take Italian, the only other foreign language our school offered, instead. It was part of my heritage, after all.
Normal high schools offered foreign languages like French and German in addition to Spanish. Our school had a lot of students whose families had come from Italy back in the day, so someone had decided Italian made more sense.
“Senora said it wouldn’t be fair for Guillermo to do the same project since he’s fluent in Spanish anyway. She gave him a different assignment.” She snorted. “No one can figure out why he’s even in that class, except he has to take foreign language to get into college and he didn’t see the point in taking Italian.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t see the point in a lot of things at our school, so I kind of had to agree with Guillermo on that one.
“Anyway, I’d come over if you wanted me to,” she said. “Parents or no parents.”
“I know.” I managed to smile for the first time since coming home from school. At school, all my smiles had been fake, but this one felt genuine. “You’re a good friend. I’m glad I at least have one.”
“You have more than one. Evan and Guillermo are your friends.”
“Yeah.” They counted, but they were guys. They didn’t understand as well as Holly.
“You didn’t answer me. Should I come over?”
I wanted her to show up and sit in my room with me for a while. Maybe she would even be able to help me concentrate on my homework. At least she would keep my mind off all the crap I would have to put up with at school the next day.
My throat closed up, and I blinked back more tears. Crying wouldn’t change reality. I had to just suck it up, stand straight, and look everyone in the eye. The truth didn’t matter to most of them. They would believe what they wanted to believe. I needed to make up my mind not to let it bother me, the way I hadn’t let their opinions of my dating life bother me.
“Chastaine?” Holly said quietly. “Are you still there?”
> “Yeah. I’m here.” I breathed slowly until I was sure I wouldn’t break down again. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t want you to get in trouble with your parents, and my parents probably wouldn’t let you in anyway. Curfew, you know?”
“Yeah.” She made a noise that might have been a laugh. I wasn’t sure, and couldn’t guess what she might be laughing at anyway. “Okay. Do you want to meet at the donut shop before school tomorrow? Or I can come to your house and walk with you.”
“I’ll meet you at the shop.” Maybe I would; maybe I wouldn’t. Holly and her drama club friends, along with Evan and Guillermo, got together there every morning. I’d hung out with them a few times, but I always felt like an intruder. Plus some of Holly’s friends were among the ones whispering about me, and I was pretty sure at least one of them had contributed to the social media crap, so I wasn’t completely eager to see them.
But Holly was trying to help. She didn’t want me to have to walk into school alone, and she knew the people I’d considered my friends before all of this wouldn’t have my back.
“Okay,” Holly said. “Do you want me to stay on the phone? I have to get these assignments done, but I can multitask. We can work together.”
“Thanks, but I’m okay.” I wasn’t, and I didn’t want to hang up. Talking to Holly was sometimes the only thing that helped me hold myself together. But she had grades to keep up, and I probably should take a look at my own assignments. School didn’t matter to me much anymore, but keeping some kind of power in my life did. I didn’t want to let Jim screw with me so badly I failed eleventh grade.
“Call back if you want to,” she said. “I’ll be up until ten or so.”
“Thanks.”
“And if you don’t call back, I’ll plan on seeing you in the morning.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. Now I would have to show up at the donut shop. Holly would expect me, and I didn’t want to let her down. At least I’d be able to have coffee to help me deal with the day.
“Okay. Bye.” She sounded a little uncertain.
“Bye.” I hung up before I changed my mind about having her come over.
I checked my assignment book and decided not to bother with the homework. I took a fast hot shower, put on my pajamas, and went to bed.
I slept like crap and had nightmares most of the night.
Chapter 2
BEFORE SCHOOL the next morning, I threw up three times. The second and third were my mother’s fault. She made me eat toast and strawberries even after I told her I wouldn’t be able to keep them down.
I could have had her call the school and tell them I’d be absent. School policy said students should stay home within twenty-four hours of vomiting, so all the viruses and stuff that usually ran through schools would be less likely to spread.
I didn’t have a virus, though, and if I’d followed the twenty-four-hour rule every time I got sick, I wouldn’t have been in school at all since the day I’d reported Jim. Besides, if Mom found out I’d puked, she would have dragged me to the doctor again and would have gotten upset when the doctor said it was due to anxiety and maybe I needed medication, like he said every time. So once I was sure I could be more than a few feet away from a toilet, I headed out the door. My stomach still churned, my head ached, and I felt dizzy, which was probably because I was hungry and had barely slept, but going to school like that was better than the alternative of staying home. At home, Mom would treat me like I was broken, and I would hate myself for hiding from everyone.
The cold air outside helped a lot. In Massachusetts, the temperature was rarely warm in the winter, but this year it had been even colder than usual. In spite of that, I only wore the thin pseudo-leather jacket I’d had all fall. I didn’t do winter jackets. They were bulky and wrecked my usual look.
Today I wore skinny jeans and a long-sleeved sheer green top over a matching cami. I looked hot, even with the damn fake-fur-lined low-heeled black boots Mom had insisted I wear for walking to school in slush and ice. A winter coat would have spoiled the whole outfit, even if I wouldn’t have been shivering during the entire walk.
People yelled at me out the windows of a couple of passing cars as I walked to the donut shop. It was a little too cold to drive with car windows open, but the idiots didn’t seem to care. They were too busy trying to make me feel like dirt. I didn’t really register what any of them said. I didn’t have to hear it clearly to guess the basic idea anyway.
Holly and Evan were the only ones at the donut shop when I got there. That made it easier for me to walk in and sit at their table. The only other person who wouldn’t have worried me was Guillermo. Anyone else might make a comment or something, though mostly they didn’t do it with my friends around. Holly had already gotten into a fight with one of her best friends over something the other girl said about me. Now they didn’t even speak.
I went to the counter and ordered an extra-large coffee with vanilla creamer and a ton of sweetener. I hated the taste of coffee, but lately the caffeine was one of the few things that helped me get through a day of school without falling asleep in class, and for some reason it helped my stomach. It was bad enough that my guidance counselor and the nurse dragged me down to their offices once or twice a week to “check in” with me. I didn’t want to have a reason to go there.
When I walked over to Holly and Evan’s booth, Holly moved over to make room for me beside her. I sat down and pasted a smile on my face. “Everyone ready for another fascinating day?”
“Second day back from vacation, and I’m already ready for vacation,” Evan said. He was wearing a neon pink blouse and matching nail polish. Over break, he’d dyed his hair royal blue. “But hey, at least people figured out that bullying’s not legal. Now they’re being more subtle about it. You should report what they’re saying to you, Chastaine.”
“No point,” I muttered. “I deserve what I get, remember? And most of it isn’t being said at school anyway. There’s some there, but the worst is online, and Lawrence and the rest of the staff can’t do anything about that. I don’t feel like wasting more time in the office.”
“It isn’t right.” Holly narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Neither did Maryellen. Nobody should be making you feel like crap for having a crime committed against you. Some people just shouldn’t exist.”
“It is what it is.” I’d heard Holly’s rant about fairness plenty of times, and I wasn’t up for another repetition. I agreed with her, but saying it over and over didn’t change the fact that when a girl was raped, a lot of people blamed her for letting it happen instead of blaming the guy for being a criminal.
“Yeah, and what it is, is complete crap.” Holly took a sip from her iced something-or-other.
“He said he’s guilty. They’re going to sentence him,” I said. “Maybe now people will find something else to be asses about and leave me and Maryellen alone.”
“In this school?” Evan raised his eyebrows. “Dream on, girl. Not to make you feel worse, but they still go off on me because of Jim getting arrested and those other guys getting kicked off the football team right before playoffs. And the football player thing didn’t even have anything to do with me directly. It was because of what they said to Moe.”
“Can we please change the subject?” My coffee was too hot to drink, but I drank some anyway. The pain in my tongue and the roof of my mouth yanked me out of the whine-spiral I was heading toward. “Homework. Who did it, and is there a chance in hell I can finish any of it before I have to hand it in?”
Both of them looked like they had more to say on the subject I was finished with, but Evan just started talking about the history assignment. I relaxed as much as I could. I might as well take advantage of the calm before the storm I knew I’d have to deal with as soon as I walked through the high school’s front door.
Guillermo showed up, along with some of Holly and Evan’s other friends. I didn’t pay much attention to them other than to say hi when they said it to me. I managed
to get through the history assignment, which was due first period, and half of the math assignment before we had to leave for school.
The second I walked through the door, I knew something was wrong. People were standing around the lobby and in front of the office, talking in hushed tones. A few of them glanced at me, but no one said anything. Not a single word.
“Everyone please report to the auditorium.” Our vice principal Mr. Lawrence’s voice boomed through the speaker beside me. “Do not go to your first period classrooms. Go directly to the auditorium and sit with your homeroom groups. Your homeroom teachers will take attendance.”
That was completely against procedure. Our school didn’t do the homeroom thing. We were assigned to homerooms, but the only times we actually went to those rooms were on the first day of school to get our schedules, at the end of the day on report card days, and during the yearly state achievement tests. Otherwise, we sat by homeroom at assemblies and stuff, but on normal school days we went straight to first period.
And we almost never had unannounced assemblies.
We followed the stream of people into the auditorium. I wished I could sit with Holly and the guys, but they weren’t in my homeroom. I found myself between El-Al and Gina, two girls who’d been my friends right up until they found out what had happened between Jim and me. Gina had dated Jim too, but he hadn’t done anything to her, so she didn’t believe Maryellen and me. El-Al, who most people called by her full name, Eleanor Alice, just kind of followed whoever around her was loudest.
I hadn’t talked to either of them lately. They said hi to me at school, and I hadn’t heard them say anything negative about me, but we weren’t friends anymore as far as I was concerned. I needed people around who supported me, and they didn’t qualify.
“Do you know what happened?” El-Al leaned over me to talk to Gina. “I heard someone died.”
“Who?” I asked before I remembered that I was trying not to speak to them.
“I don’t know.” She sat up and looked at me. “I was afraid it was you. I’m glad it wasn’t.”
