by MJ Summers
“But still, you’ve got a shot, right? You never know,” Alicia told him, gazing into his eyes and taking note of his long, dark eyelashes.
“Yeah, you never know. I mean, I pretty much do, but then, there is a tiny chance. Maybe every other catcher in the majors and minors will come down with the flu at the same time and I’ll get called up,” Ben said with a little wink.
He took a long drink of his soda before speaking again. “It’ll give me a chance to get out of here for a while, anyway. See a bit of the world, maybe.”
“Is that what you want to do, Ben? Get out of here?” she asked.
“Yeah, don’t you want to go somewhere new?” Ben responded gently.
Alicia shook her head. “No. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m an army brat. My dad got posted here to train new recruits. Until I was ten years old, we lived in a new place every year. I’ve seen a lot of the world and I’m just so happy to call this home.”
Ben nodded thoughtfully, digesting this information. “I didn’t know that about you, Leesh. I mean, I knew your dad was in the military, but I didn’t know you moved so much before you came here. That must have been tough for a little kid.”
“It was. I was never in one place long enough to really make friends,” she said, taking a small bite of her burger before speaking again. “Do you remember my first day of school here in fifth grade?”
“No, I can’t say I do.” Ben tilted his head, as if trying to remember.
“Paul Jones shoved me in the mud and you beat him up.”
A slow smile crossed Ben’s face. “Now I remember. That little prick had it coming. You beat him in a race. You were the fastest girl in the class.”
“Hey, I was faster than all the boys. Including you.” She laughed, punching him on the shoulder lightly.
“Nah, that’s not how I remember it.” Ben grinned.
“Yeah, but if you had a better memory, you wouldn’t need my help with history . . .” she teased. She spoke again before he had a chance to protest. “Anyway, I’ll always remember that day. Not because of what Paul did but because of what you did. I had gotten used to being the new kid and getting picked on, but not having anyone look out for me like that. When he started shoving me, I thought ‘Well, here we go again,’ but there you were and I didn’t know what to think except ‘I hope I get to stay here.’” Alicia looked down at her fingers, suddenly feeling shy about her admission. “Stupid, right?” she asked, daring to glance at him.
Their eyes held and Ben seemed to swallow hard. He shook his head and reached for her cheek with his hand. “No. Not stupid at all,” he answered quietly.
Gently guiding her face to his, he kissed her lips ever so carefully. Her hand on his chest, she could feel his heart pounding as his lips touched hers. Her lips parted, waiting for more. Alicia’s entire body tingled with the magic of her first kiss. It was as perfect and sweet as she had dreamed it would be. All those hours spent imagining this were finally becoming her incredible reality. They were alone in the most romantic spot, with the sun going down, the sound of the crickets filling the air as his lips brushed against hers, as his tongue slid into her mouth, searching for hers. It was one of those rare moments in life that she knew she would always remember. She was in love with this boy and as their mouths moved in unison, she silently prayed that this would be the start of their forever.
Alicia slid her body down to lie beside him on the plaid blanket, her mouth never leaving his. She held his jaw with her hand as he moved his body closer, hovering over her. Pulling back for a moment, Ben took advantage of Alicia’s hair being tied back, kissing and sucking on her neck hungrily. Alicia’s eyes flew open at the sensation of his mouth on her skin, not sure if the stars she was seeing were in the sky above or were a result of what was happening in her body right then. She had not known that it would feel like this, that having one part of her touched would ripple through her entire being, as though his mouth was everywhere at once. Letting her hand slide down his chest and abs, she wanted to feel the heat of his skin on hers. Tugging at his shirt, she let her fingers move up along his taut muscles, allowing them to linger there.
Ben responded to her touch, groaning with the thought of her hand finding its way into his jeans. He slowly moved his hand from her cheek to her chest, taking in the feeling of her perky breasts through the fabric of her shirt. Weeks of being so close to her but never touching her had filled him with a lust he had never known before. He was consumed by the almost undeniable longing of that first love as he thrust his tongue wildly into her mouth. He heard her give a little moan and the sound made him harder than he already was, his jeans now confining him uncomfortably.
They stayed like this, exploring each other over their clothes until their cheeks were flushed with new passion and body heat. Ben pulled back, knowing he needed to stop. He knew the longer he lay with her like this, the more he was going to want. He rested his head in the crook of her neck, waiting for his breathing to slow down. Ben had been with other girls before but he had never wanted anyone this much. He could feel Alicia’s shift from passion to frustration.
“I know, right?” he said, nuzzling into her neck. He could feel her let out a long puff of air.
“Yeah. We should stop.”
“Yes, we should. I better take you home.” He lifted his body off hers and sat up. Taking her hands, he pulled her up to sit in front of him. Unable to help himself, he put his hand behind her head and pulled her mouth to his, starting things all over again.
Twenty minutes later, he pulled away and jumped to his feet. “Whoa, okay. Let’s get out of here before your dad has the entire army out looking for you.”
Alicia stood, straightening her skirt and her now-twisted shirt.
Ben smiled at her and brushed her hair back from her face with both hands. Her ponytail holder was now holding back only a few wisps of hair. His eyes took her in as though it were the first time he was really seeing her. She wasn’t just the cute girl he had grown up with—she was the one who could awaken his heart along with his body. Alicia reached up to pull out her hair elastic and smooth her hair back into submission. “I must be a mess.”
Ben shook his head a little, glancing over her lips, swollen from their kisses, before looking into her eyes. “Nope. You’re just really beautiful.”
A warm smile spread across Alicia’s face as though his words were the most romantic thing she’d ever heard. Ben crouched down and balled up the blanket, tucking it under one arm and grabbing the garbage from their supper before standing and taking her hand in his. They strolled slowly through the darkness to the truck. When they reached it, he opened her door and tossed what he was holding into the back seat, then leaned in to her to kiss her again, knowing he wouldn’t get this opportunity once they reached her house. A tiny voice that he was ignoring was telling him to stop this before they both fell too hard for each other. He couldn’t stop himself though; he was powerless to resist her. Thoughts of baseball and leaving Colorado were nothing to him at that moment. The pair lingered there for a long, delicious moment before he pulled back, squeezing his eyes shut as she tried to block out the lust she had for him.
Ben held her hand the entire drive home. “What are you going to do after high school?”
“Well, as of September, you’ll find me at the University of Denver.” If you want to find me. God, I hope you’ll want to find me.
“Really? Good for you. What are you going to take?”
Alicia laughed, almost embarrassed. “I’m going to start out in environmental science, actually.”
“Really? That’s awesome! I always knew you were smart.”
“I don’t know. I did well enough to get in, but I don’t really know why I’m going. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I doubt it has anything to do with wearing a lab coat every day. My parents would just be so disappointed if I didn’t go to university, you know? I thought I’d better pick something that has practical applications i
n the end. They saved up for a long time to send me and I can’t see my dad happily paying for me to take fingerpainting classes or something.”
“Is that what you want to do? Arts?”
“No,” Alicia replied. “I don’t have the first clue what I want to take. That’s what makes it really scary for me. I don’t want to waste their money or the next four years of my life. I’m just hoping I’ll love it when I get there and everything will magically fall into place.” She groaned under the weight of the decision she had made.
“I’m sure you’ll do really well, even if it’s not for you. You’ll get the grades so you’ll be able to transfer to something else once you figure it out.” Ben’s voice was sincere, and the knowledge that he believed in her brought a new confidence to Alicia.
“I hope so.”
They pulled up in front of her house. Ben shut off the motor and killed the lights, then turned a little to face her. “So, can I see you again tomorrow?” he asked hopefully.
Alicia nodded and gave him a wide grin. “Yeah. We should study. Math’s on Monday.”
Ben leaned over, kissing her neck. “I was thinking about studying something else if you don’t mind.”
A wave of desire coursed through Alicia’s body. She closed her eyes for a moment before answering, her voice breathless, “Let’s do both.”
* * *
The next three weeks flew by for the pair. They studied and talked for hours each evening, Ben making sure to take advantage of their time together by touching his beautiful girl, running his hand along her thigh and kissing her neck as she tried to talk about whichever subject they were working on. She was on his mind almost constantly, distracting him from his school work and his chores on the ranch. The thought of leaving to go to Salem had become something that part of him dreaded now that he had such a thrilling reason to stay home. But he had his dream waiting for him. Chances to take. Places to see. Baseball was in his bones and he needed to go wherever it took him. The night of their senior prom, Ben had to be out of town for a tournament, foreshadowing what was to come. Alicia went with some girlfriends but was miserable, not wanting to dance without him. She had called her dad to come pick her up early, telling him she had a bad headache.
Alicia went to bed every night with thoughts of Ben consuming her. The date he was leaving hurled toward them like a freight train, an unstoppable force that would tear them apart. The naive young girl in her believed that somehow it would work out. They would find a way to get through the next few years on phone calls and visits during holidays until she finished school and they could be together permanently. She had waited for him this long without even a hint that he would love her back. She could wait forever if she knew he felt the same way.
The last night before Ben left for Salem found the pair sitting on the tailgate of Jake’s old truck, overlooking Palmer Lake and eating takeout pizza. Ben had offered to take Alicia out for a fancy dinner but she suggested that they be alone instead. The sun lowering in the sky provided a welcome distraction for them both, neither ready to have the conversation that they knew they needed to have.
“Another slice?” Ben opened the box to Alicia. She shook her head, realizing that she had lost her appetite.
“So, what time do you leave tomorrow?” Alicia asked quietly.
“I have to be on the bus by six,” Ben responded, securing the lid on the box and setting it aside.
“That’s early.”
“Yup. It’ll hurt to be up at that time.”
It’ll hurt me too, she thought. “I bet.”
“When do you start at the vet clinic?”
“Monday morning. I’m looking forward to it. Some of it will be pretty gross but I get to walk the dogs twice a day, so that will be fun.”
“Good,” Ben said, as a feeling of sadness came over him. In the three weeks since they started dating, they had never been as awkward around each other as they were now. They had been swept up in that feeling of excitement that first love brings, finding ways to sneak in kisses and make-out sessions whenever possible.
Ben looked over at Alicia, hating like hell to see how upset she was. He wished there were something he could do to make it all better. Leaning over, he kissed her gently on the lips. “I’m gonna miss you,” he murmured in her ear.
“You sure you have to go?” Alicia tried to sound like she was only joking.
Ben sighed. “I am. I sure wish you could come with me. The only thing I’m going to regret about getting out of Colorado is that you won’t be with me. I’ve grown a little too attached to you in the past few weeks.”
“A little too attached?” Alicia demanded, suddenly feeling very annoyed. “How attached did you mean to get?”
“I don’t know. Not this much, I guess. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard to say goodbye to you,” Ben answered.
“Well, maybe we don’t have to say goodbye.” Alicia’s pulse raced as she spoke. She was about to offer up her heart for him to take on the road. Knowing this would be her only chance, she swallowed hard and looked him in the eye so she could gauge his reaction. “I mean, lots of people manage to stay together even when they’re apart. Maybe we could do that, Ben. You’ve been the only one for me since we were kids. Another four years won’t change that. I could wait for you for a hundred years if I knew you felt the same way.”
Ben shifted uncomfortably and looked out over the lake to avoid her gaze. “Wait for me? No, Alicia. I would never ask you to do that. I don’t know if I’m ever coming back really. I need to see where life is going to take me, you know? See the world, see if I can go pro. It wouldn’t be right of me to expect you to be waiting on something that might never happen. You should make your own life, Alicia.”
Alicia felt tears spring to her eyes, tears that she fought with everything in her to hide. In a matter of weeks she had tasted the sweetest fruit of romance in her young life and was now being told she couldn’t expect another bite. She nodded her head quickly, hopping down from the back of the truck as she mumbled, “Makes sense.”
“Hey, Alicia,” Ben called, reaching for her and grabbing her wrist before she could run off. “Hang on. I hope I didn’t upset you just now. You’re an amazing girl. You’re perfect, but we’re just too young to be deciding the rest of our lives. I just don’t think it would be right for either of us to expect anything from each other, you know?”
“I do.” She nodded, finding the courage to turn and look him in his perfect hazel eyes and give him a tight smile. “I get it. Totally,” she lied.
Ben pulled her to him, making room for her between his knees. He gave her a long hug, taking in the scent of her shampoo as he did. Alicia wrapped her arms around his waist and let him hold her, drinking in the last few drops of being with him. Ben moved his hands up to her face, lifting her mouth to his before giving her a deep, lingering kiss. Suddenly, an overwhelming sense of desperation and desire filled her. Maybe if she gave herself to him completely, he would change his mind.
Alicia reached down and popped open the button on his jeans, then unzipped them. Sliding her hand into his underwear, she found him rock hard. Rubbing her hand over him, she heard him moan in her ear. She pulled back from his lips. “I want to be with you, Ben. Here, right now,” she breathed, gazing directly into his eyes.
Ben wrapped his fingers around her hand, pulling it away from him reluctantly. “No, Alicia. It wouldn’t be right,” he murmured, his body at war with his conscience.
“Don’t you want me?” she asked, her cheeks burning with humiliation.
“Of course, I do,” he answered. “There is nothing that I want more than to be with you. It’s all I’ve thought about for weeks. But if we do, I’m going to regret it and so will you. I would be a complete asshole to sleep with you right before I leave. Your first time should be with someone you love, someone you have a future with.”
“I’m in love with you, Ben, and we could have a future if you’d let us,” she retorted. Her eyes were plea
ding as she stared at him.
Ben slid his body off the truck and hugged her to him. “Please don’t say that, Leesh. You and I both have a lot of living to do before we can make a decision about love. We’re just too young.”
“No, of course. You’re right,” she managed, pulling away from him with an overwhelming sense of dejection. “We’re only eighteen. I don’t know what I was thinking. Just forget I said anything, okay?”
Ben watched her as she kicked at the dirt under her foot, his heart breaking. Guilt and remorse set in as he witnessed the pain he had just doled out to her. “I’m sorry, Alicia. I thought we both knew how things were going to end up.”
“I did. I do. I just thought maybe things had changed. Stupid of me. You know, I think I’d like you to take me home now, Ben.” Her voice was tiny as she spoke, her eyes refusing to look at him. She walked around to the passenger side of the truck and got in, slamming the door a little harder than she intended to.
Ben’s shoulders drooped as he shut the tailgate and made his way to the cab of the truck to join her in their uncomfortable ride. As the lights of the city grew nearer, Ben glanced over at Alicia several times only to see the back of her head. She was turned away from him, trying desperately to hide her pain, no doubt knowing it was written all over her face. When they pulled up in front of her parents’ house, Ben grabbed her hand as she unbuckled her seat belt.
“Wait. I don’t want to end things like this. I don’t want you to be upset.”
“Don’t worry about me, Ben. I’ll get over it. I’m heading off to college in the fall and I’m sure there are loads of cute guys there to help get you off my mind for good.” She aimed for his heart, managing to hit her target square on.
Ben gave a long sigh, knowing that there was nothing he could do to fix this. If he wanted to go live his dreams, he would need to cut her loose first. But the pain he was inflicting on both of them at that moment nearly killed him as he tightened his grip on her hand.
