“Oh, yes I can.” He forced himself to remain calm, but as they faced off, he clutched the edge of the porch railing so hard his fingers hurt. “You matter. Pyper matters. The rest is details, Amy. Insignificant details.”
“Insignificant to you. Not to me. To me it’s about a sordid divorce. It’s about abuse. It’s about a degree of alcoholism that ended up devastating not only me, but my daughter as well. My past isn’t something I want, or need, to have magnified. A relationship with you would put all of us under intense scrutiny, especially as you gain more and more exposure. And don’t discount Mark coming back hunting for money, or Pyper!”
“If that’s truly how you feel, then I’ll walk away from the career.” He spoke with measured calm because he meant the words. With all his heart. “I don’t need any of it. What I want is what’s been missing in my heart without you, Amy.”
“Tyler, that’s ridiculous! Please! Listen to me!”
“No, you listen to me. What I want most in this world is what I’ve found ever since we reconnected at Woodland. Unless I’m grossly mistaken, you feel the exact same way. When will you learn to trust my feelings enough to just let go, and believe? When will you finally allow this relationship to be everything it was meant to be?”
A tapestry of dreams wove neatly into place: long days and sweet nights with Amy and Pyper, and even more kids down the road. There’d be Christmases, Easter celebrations, music that would fill his house and his heart, tours in the summer, family-friendly life and more than enough love to fill out the remainder of the year. The pictures his heart drew were of a happy, beautiful future—with Amy.
“What about all the mistakes I’ve made?” She eased back against the swing, almost as if she were sinking away from the truth. “What about privacy and protecting Pyper? I pored over everything this morning, and I just can’t find the answers.”
“You don’t need to. What you need to do is stop looking for safety nets, or for assurances and guarantees. There’s no such a thing. It won’t happen. Life gives us nothing but God’s will and grace, and that’s enough. You used to know that to the depths of your soul.” Tyler took in a fortifying breath. “Nothing will change what life gave either of us, honey. I know Mark left you with a broken heart, but even in your marriage, God stayed with you, and with Pyper. He gave you goodness. Find your way back to that truth and maybe—just maybe—you’ll find enough faith to love again.”
Her eyes went wide with a kind of marveling wonder. He sensed her longing. In a spot of her heart where he alone was granted entry, he sensed Amy’s most strident wishes.
Tyler pushed on. “Life is about change, Amy. We’re not meant to remain stationary. I believe God always, always meets us where we are in life and can work anything for the good. In the storm of your marriage, your daughter came to life. In the storm of your divorce, God can—and will—continue to work His goodness, love and mercy. Nothing will ever change God, and his absolute goodness, his absolute love for us, because God alone is set in stone.”
He ignored her glittering tears, her imminent breakdown. He needed her to understand her precious worth, and her hold on his spirit. Desperation poured through his veins, and Tyler hammered his point home. “God shows us pathways—for everything. That encompasses the good and the bad. Evolution is about following His call and that’s what life is all about. Live again, Amy. If you don’t, you’re going to regret it. The loss will be yours. Again. Are you willing to accept that?”
“Tyler—” She choked, her eyes wide with desperation and a spirit-deep thirst he only recognized because he felt it so keenly himself.
“No. Hear me out. You’re grasping at straws. You’re clutching at anything that will justify walking away. Well, you need to ask yourself if walking away from me will save you from heartache.” He waited, set his hands on his hips. The words hung in their air, framing the ultimate question that stood between them. His heart teetered precariously when silence held sway.
“Will walking away make you happy? If that’s the case, then so be it. I’ve shown you everything I am, but if that’s the case, all I can do now is let you. And yeah, like the fool that I am, I’ll keep prayin’ you find a way back. I’ll keep faith that you’ll eventually recognize the connection—the thread our lives have always carried to each other. That’s what I’m clinging to, Amy. Not fear. But the decision is yours.”
Hearts Key
18
Tyler stopped short at the threshold of Amy’s room the next morning. He intended to speak with her privately, before they rejoined Pyper downstairs. Next to the bed, Amy’s suitcase stood ready, packed and zipped closed.
He hated it.
Not because she was leaving. Leaving he could tolerate. He had expected nothing else at the end of the week. What sliced through him right now was the finality. Unresolved and uncertain, his relationship with Amy was taking an exit right now that he couldn’t begin to bear.
She stood at the window, holding back the curtain with her hand, surveying the sprawl of the valley and mountains. Tyler shut out the image of the extended metal pull handle of her luggage and made a decision. He wouldn’t let her go without giving her something to think about. And miss.
Without a word, deliberately catching her unprepared, not allowing her a single second to realize his intent and lay out a defense, he pulled her in by the waist and didn’t stop until she was pinned against him. His mouth covered hers, his kiss capturing her startled exclamation of surprise and swallowing it up with his own sigh of desire, and surrender.
She melted into him, raking shaky fingertips through his hair. He clung to her, fed her, adored her, doing his best to seep into the very core of her system until she knew no escape and no other pathway but the one that led to his love.
His fingers dove in as well, combing through her hair, dislodging a satin hair tie. Her hair drifted free around his hands. The familiar smell of his brand of shampoo in her hair, now a fragrant part of the thick, silky strands, caused his muscles to clench with a longing as familiar as his own name, and it broke his aching heart.
They shared so much, yet she could walk away?
The kiss remained intense and heated, spiraling nearly out of control. He barely maintained the wherewithal to pull back and step away from her, refusing the temptation of claiming her definitively, with all the love in his heart.
His body was taut, strung as tight as a wire on one of his six-strings. His breathing was ragged. In slight vindication, though, he realized she suffered as well. So he reigned in his strength and determination. “Amy, think about us. Think about everything you’re turning from. I’ll be here. I always have been. I feel like it’s a huge part of God’s plan for me. Know why? Because no other woman comes close to you. I guess it’s His will that I let you go again, so I’ll do my best to make music my life. I can say this without reservation or anger because I believe in God’s promise. He promises that when you love someone well, and when that love is returned, that love will last a lifetime. I look at you, and I know you feel as strongly as I do. I let you go before. I’ll let you go again if it’ll help you recognize that truth and find your way back to me.”
Finished, not letting himself absorb the sheen of tears that glossed her eyes, or her trembling, kiss-swelled lips and staccato breathing, he took custody of her luggage and carried it downstairs.
Saying goodbye to Pyper was almost as hard.
She was one unhappy young lady, if her flushed face and watery eyes were any indication. When he joined her in the entryway, she slipped off her backpack and charged for him in open trust and love. Tyler took her in, lifting her up and squeezing tight.
He inhaled her sweet scent and feathered his fingers tenderly through her hair. “Miss you already, sugar beet.”
“I want to see you soon again,” she whispered, her voice shaky.
Convoluted grammar and all, Tyler’s heart swelled at the words. “Me, too. But until then, I’ll be in touch with you, Pyper.” He leaned
back, tucking wisps of hair away from her damp, red cheeks. “And here’s an idea. I want you to do me a favor.”
“What?”
“Every time you see a firefly, I want you to think of me. And I promise, I’ll do the same for you.”
She nodded, but her chin quivered badly. Tears rolled down her face, and she tucked into his neck and shoulder like a missing puzzle piece. She shook with tears she obviously tried, and failed, to keep silent. Tyler kept rubbing her back, swaying a bit to give them both some semblance of comfort.
For now, though, the airport called. And with every prayer of his heart, he held fast to the belief that releasing his two beautiful doves would ultimately lead them all home, and bring them together once more.
19
For the second day in a row, Amy had a pounding headache.
She’d been back on the job at Edwards Construction for less than a week; the summer schedule for JB’s construction company was at an all-time high. She was grateful for busy, fast-passing days. That way, there was far less time to consider the enormous hole in her spirit.
She found herself reliving the parting, that final kiss with Tyler, over and over again. The emotions, the textures and tastes combined to overwhelm her at the most random points during the day. She’d be in the midst of job setups and staffing, service proposals, invoicing—then, in an instant the present world would slip away.
The kiss provided such an exquisite memory—the sensations as real to her now as they were then. She’d lose herself so completely and so willingly to her daydreams, that even her breathing, her heart rate, would react. But then, the return to reality and the recognition of her loss would end her revelry on a note of intense sadness.
Hence the headaches.
Tonight, at least, she had chores at home with which to contend. Pyper dabbled with a spelling game on the computer for a time while Amy retrieved a load of freshly dried laundry from the basement of their apartment unit. Amy had finally started on the photo album for Tyler—the one chronicling his concert at Woodland. After all, it wasn’t as if they couldn’t remain connected and enjoy each other. Amy figured delivery of the gift might do the job of telegraphing that hope.
For now, however, silence stretched between them, and her heart instantly betrayed the truth that her head couldn’t quite grasp yet—she loved him. She ached for him. Friendship, sadly, would never be enough.
The thought plagued her as she returned to her apartment, clothes basket in tow, and went to her bedroom where she intended to sort and fold. Coming upon Pyper caused Amy to stop abruptly, and set aside the laundry basket on the floor next to her bed.
Bathed by the grayish blue illumination of the computer screen, Pyper’s entire face looked crumpled. Her lips quaked. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she regarded a photograph displayed on the monitor. Tyler. Amy silently cursed herself. She had left the folder of pictures from the Woodland concert open on her task bar. Pyper had apparently clicked away from her game and discovered the readily-available images.
Amy bit the inside of her cheek, going immediately to her shaken daughter. She scooped Pyper up and held on fast. “What’s the matter, snug-a-bug?” But she had a feeling she already knew.
“I jus’…I jus’ miss him, Mommy. I miss Tyler.”
Precisely as she thought. Amy became buried by the weight of that admission. Pyper had come so far—and now, once again, Amy knew she had let her daughter down.
“I can’t help it! I wish Tyler was my daddy, and I wish I could see him all the time, and that he could be with me, and you, all the time.”
Oh, Lord, help me. Help me now. I can’t possibly make it through this without You.
Amy’s throbbing head pulsed with a fresh onslaught of pain as she carried Pyper a few feet. In a deliberately playful little tumble, they toppled to the bed, and snuggled up side by side, face to face. Just like they had in Nashville. At Tyler’s.
This time it was Amy who reached out and cupped Pyper’s cheek. Pyper, in turn, rubbed a soft fingertip against the tight furrow on Amy’s forehead.
“I’m so sorry for how sad you feel.” Silence followed Amy’s apology. “I’ve messed up a lot, Pyper, but I don’t want to hurt you again. Not ever.”
Pyper frowned, her eyes still sparkling. “You don’t hurt me. You love me. You love me best.”
“Oh, honey, you bet I do. The only one who loves you better than me is Jesus. But, still, I wanted better things for you than what you’ve gotten. I want you to be happy, and to know you’re safe, and have a good home, and most of all I want you to know that you’re precious, and loved.”
Pyper looked into Amy’s eyes, her lips rolled inward, pressed between her teeth. The signal was clear—she was emotional, and she was unsettled. But in contradiction to that, she kept a light touch moving against Amy’s forehead. Thankfully, Pyper’s touch helped ease the relentless band of pressure. Bit by bit, Pyper’s eyes dried of tears.
“I know you love me, Mommy, and you made us safe.”
“Yeah, but then we had to stay with Ken and Kiara. We bounced around a lot, didn’t we, Pyp?”
“Mm-hmm. They were nice to us. And Annie? She’s my bestest friend because we take care of each other and love each other.” Pyper blinked her eyes, and smiled. “I think Ken and Kiara and Annie are my family. Like Grandma and Grandpa Maxwell.”
A theme developed, swirling slowly into place, but Amy couldn’t quite grasp it yet…
“Then I brought you here.”
Pyper nodded, and her smile curved larger. “This is our house. An’ you’re not scared of nothin’ anymore. You smile. And you and me? We’re the best. We’ve got happy.”
We’ve got happy. Amy closed her eyes and took a gulp, thinking, God, thank you.
But her daughter wasn’t finished yet. Pyper’s brows pulled together, and she frowned as tears built once more. “Know what though? You and me never smiled more than when we were with Tyler. I love Tennessee, and I miss him, Mommy. Do you miss him, too? Do you want to see him again? Soon?”
That’s when a stunning realization took place. The theme she caught traces of earlier circled to completion and a sharp focus. Not once as Amy poured her heart free, and Pyper examined their lives together, had Pyper reacted in the negative. Pyper transformed every nightmare in their lives into loving kindness, safety, and a fresh, happy life. Together.
We’ve got happy.
Yes, the past left Pyper sorting through trust and safety issues with adult men, but she worked past them—just like she worked past all the challenges of their life together. Pyper knew the horrors, of course, but she didn’t cling to them. By the grace of God alone, she had let them go and continued to embrace each movement forward with hope. Pyper’s outlook stayed trained on blessings instead of darkness. Exactly how Amy would want it.
Amy, meanwhile, had worked so hard to make that come to be, she had hardly been aware of, nor acknowledged, the impact of God’s hand and the true depth of God’s healing, loving power.
With her heart in her throat, she decided to answer Pyper’s question, then pose one of her own. “I miss him so very, very much, Pyper. But in order for us to be with Tyler, we’d have to make a whole new bunch of big changes. We’d have to move to Tennessee. It would be far away from everyone and everything we know.”
Pyper nodded, and she thought about that for a moment, her lips pursed softly. “Everything ‘cept Tyler. And us.”
“What about our family?”
“Well. Can they fly like I did? Can we see them that way a lot of times?”
Tyler, Amy imagined, would probably insist on it. “That’s a distinct possibility.”
Amy’s concluding comment caused Pyper to smile, and glow. Amy’s heart raced wildly. Energy built so hard and so fast Amy wanted to leap out of bed and start running—clear south to Tennessee. A dam burst free in her heart and love rode in on the energy spill. The right decisions became clearer and clearer, persistent to the point of being unden
iable.
We’ve got happy.
Maybe not yet, Amy thought. Not completely, anyhow—but perhaps soon enough…
****
“Kiara…I…” Amy had stalled long enough, and she knew it. She steadied herself. “I need to ask a huge favor.”
Amy knelt next to Kiara in the Lucerne’s back yard. Together they weeded, not because Kiara had asked, but because Amy had volunteered. It helped Kiara, but it helped Amy as well. Ever since last night, ever since The Decision, she had energy to excessive degrees, and she had never, ever been as happy, nor as terrified.
The thoughts crested; not until they receded did she realize Kiara had leaned back on her heels and was watching her. Waiting, and intrigued.
“What’s up, Miss Thing?” They shared a smile at the ages-old nickname, but a swell of emotion colored Amy’s world. She chewed her lower lip and went back to work pulling away weeds. Kiara, however, didn’t continue with their work. “Amy? What’s up?”
“Well…I…” Amy focused on their weeding session like a woman on a mission, not meeting Kiara’s eyes. “You see…my folks are going to be out of town this coming weekend, and…and…I need to go to Tennessee.”
Now Kiara stripped off her gardening gloves and switched from kneeling to sitting cross-legged. “Tennessee.”
Amy nodded, and she surrendered the pretense of working. She sat next to Kiara and leaned back, propping against her hands. “I’ve got a lot to tell you.”
Amy launched into a detailed overview of the past week, especially the conversation with Pyper. Kiara listened, silent and intent while Amy let her emotions pour free, especially her growing realization that a life without Tyler wasn’t a life lived happily, or in completeness with the call of her heart. Apart from him, she felt apart from God’s plan for her life.
“With Mark, I fell in love with an image more than a man. With Tyler, I love the person, the boy he was, and the man he’s become.”
Hearts Key Page 19
