by Alexa Aston
Nan stepped back a few paces. “I feel sorry for you, my lord. You have no idea what is important in life. You will live and die in loneliness and never realize what you could have had. Oh, you may wed one day and accumulate sons and daughters, but if you do not give your heart to those around you, you are no better than the dust you trod upon and will return to one day.”
He looked stunned by what she’d said to him. Nan barely knew this man and should have held her tongue, but his words and actions had offended her beyond measure.
“Forget what I told you about observing the happiness here at Sandbourne. How Michael and Elysande behave toward one another. I understand now that a man like you will only be blind to those very things, no matter how long you watched and studied them. Do what you came to do, my lord. Try and buy your horses and return to your estate. Do your duty to your sister, whom I doubt you love, merely because ’tis something you are obligated to do. I only hope she will find happiness and respect from the man you give her to in marriage for she surely does not have it in her home with you as its head.”
Nan looked at this heartbreakingly handsome man, pity now filling her heart. “I will accord you all of the kindness you deserve as a guest at Sandbourne, Lord Tristan. But if you ever try to kiss me again—if you come close to even touching me—you will regret it. I am not some plaything to trifle with. I am a woman who’s been trained to think and act as a man. I’d as soon kick you in your balls and then cut them off than have your lips on mine again.”
She stormed off, hoping her shaking legs would carry her the short distance from here to the keep. She entered it and quickly made her way upstairs to her chamber, where she slammed the door and flung herself onto the bed. Gradually, her trembling ceased. Nan dug her fingers into the bedclothes.
Her first kiss . . .
It had been everything she’d hoped for and nothing she’d expected. She had no idea a kiss could go on and on like that, melding two souls together. Regret filled her, though. She always assumed her first kiss would be with the man she loved or would fall in love with. The one she would wed and stand beside for all time. A man she would give herself to completely. The one she would share everything with—a home, children, long conversations throughout the years. And couplings. Many, many couplings.
Even now, a banked fire ebbed within her as she remembered Tristan Therolde’s touch. Her fingertips came to rest next to her lips, the ones he had kissed so thoroughly until they were now bruised.
But Lord Tristan was like most men. He valued the wrong things. Nan realized that the men in her family were exceptions to that rule in the way they treated their women. De Montforts married for love. Each couple became not only helpmates but soul mates. They partnered together for life, invincible because they loved one another. It didn’t mean they agreed on everything. She had heard some of the arguments over the years between her parents. But even in disagreeing, Nan knew their passion for each other and what they’d created made them stronger together than apart.
That’s what she wanted. What she expected for herself.
Instead, she felt tarnished for having allowed a man she did not love, much less admire, to kiss her in such an intimate way. Tristan Therolde was arrogant and selfish. He might physically tempt her but she had no desire to be in his presence more than necessary. Nan pushed away the regret at what had happened tonight. She couldn’t change the fact that a kiss had occurred between them but she could make sure that it never happened again.
She rolled to her side and buried her face into the pillow, hot tears of frustration pouring down her cheeks. Though she could not undo what had been done, she would do everything in her power to forget about the kiss. She would ensure they were never alone again during his stay at Sandbourne so no opportunity to repeat the performance might exist.
Weeping softly, Nan fell into a restless sleep.
*
Tristan remained in the bailey for a long time. He rarely enjoyed being in the company of others and didn’t want to run into his hosts. As the spring night grew cooler, he tried to make sense of what had come over him.
Could he have been a bigger arse?
He doubted it.
Leaning against a sturdy wall of the keep, he contemplated the range of emotions that had run rampantly through him tonight. He’d felt desire for the first time in a long time when sitting next to Nan de Montfort at the evening meal. Tristan never was without a woman for long. He made sure his physical needs were met on a regular basis by a variety of women in the two villages near Thorpe Castle.
But the hunger he’d experienced being in Lady Nan’s company surpassed physical desire. It was as if he craved her. Needed to possess her.
That had led to the rage and jealousy that had flown through him when he’d observed her with the very handsome Drewett Stollars. Always one to keep his emotions in check, Tristan had barely understood why he barreled after the pair, much less why he felt the need to protect Lady Nan. Then in the stables, watching Lord Michael and Lady Elysande’s obvious affection toward one another, a deep yearning overtook him. He wanted what they had.
Whatever it was.
Oh, he knew Lady Nan would say it was love. That’s what women chose to call lust. He supposed females could experience it since men certainly did, though the women he coupled with seemed happy enough when he finished the act and rewarded them with a coin for their efforts. Females didn’t respond physically as he did, with his manhood swelling and a burning need to spill his seed. A few of them moaned as they stroked his arms but they didn’t exhibit the obvious signs a man did when he wished to sate himself.
But Tristan couldn’t hide from the truth. Somehow, tonight’s kiss had been different from any he’d snatched before. Oh, his blood stirred and his cock began to swell, as usual. That was nothing new. It was something intangible in his kiss with Nan de Montfort that he couldn’t explain. A need to know her, body and soul, had overtaken him. He wanted to learn everything about her, from what she enjoyed doing, to every secret curve hidden under her cotehardie. That gown had turned her eyes a deep, mysterious blue. Tristan wanted to explore their depths. He wanted to be inside her. Be one with her. Call her his.
Admitting all this to himself frightened Tristan beyond words.
Lady Nan intrigued him. Challenged him. Made him want to understand her—and himself—better.
Could she be right? Did love between a man and woman truly exist?
His parents had been pleasant but distant toward one another so he had not witnessed anything resembling love between them. They had provided for the physical needs of their six children yet Tristan couldn’t remember any expression or gestures of love coming from them. While he had a true affection for his brothers, he had never been close to his sister, who was nine years his junior. Girls served their purposes in the keep but had little to do with his life. While he was considerate to Gillian, who seemed to worship him as the eldest of the pack, in truth, he saw all of his siblings infrequently after he began fostering, only returning home for a few weeks each summer and not at all for a few of those last years. The distance between them grew until they hardly seemed a part of his world.
Moreover, Tristan had never even laid eyes on the babe his mother had birthed—until he arrived home and saw what little was left of the lifeless body.
He pushed aside the ghastly memory. It wouldn’t do to think about it. He couldn’t go back and change anything that had occurred. The few times he did dwell on it, nightmares occurred. It had been months since the last one. He believed time and distance would make the nightmares eventually fade. He couldn’t afford to have them start up again.
Just as he wasn’t ready to feel again. That day was the start of pushing all feelings aside. Tristan focused on getting through one day at a time from that moment, fulfilling each duty as it needed handling, until he’d put back the broken pieces of Thorpe Castle as best as he could. Nothing at the castle or on Leventhorpe lands would ever be the same agai
n. The greatest lesson coming from that catastrophe was that he’d learned everything could change in an instant.
It was the reason he guarded his heart so well.
And now Nan de Montfort threatened its well-being.
The door to the keep swung open. Tristan saw Toby and Stephen emerge. Both men caught sight of him and came in his direction.
“Are you retiring for the night?” he asked.
“Aye,” Stephen said. “We have a place in the barracks, according to Drewett Stollars.”
“And the promise of Lady Nan tutoring us tomorrow in the yard,” chimed in Toby. “I tried my best today, my lord. I thought I might be able to defeat Hervey but I doubt I could have performed well against Lady Nan. Her aim is uncanny.”
“We’re looking forward to what she can teach us,” Stephen added. “How did things go for you today? We heard from the soldiers we shared our meal with that Lady Elysande is the most knowledgeable Devereux when it comes to horses.”
Tristan nodded. “Though I corresponded with Lord Michael and found he knows quite a bit when it comes to horseflesh, you are right. Lady Elysande runs the stables.”
“These are interesting women at Sandbourne,” mused Toby. “One an expert regarding horses and another with a bow and arrow.”
“I cannot wait to see Lady Nan use her longbow tomorrow,” Stephen said. He paused, looking encouragingly at Tristan. “You should come to the yard, too, my lord. Mayhap the lady could even teach you a thing or two.”
Tristan thought that’s the last place Nan de Montfort would wish him to venture.
Chapter 5
Tristan awoke with grainy eyes. He hadn’t slept much. In the hours he lay awake, his thoughts had wandered but always seemed to come back to the dark-haired beauty with the heart-shaped face. He would do whatever it took to avoid her today and for the remainder of his visit at Sandbourne. Tristan needed to show Lady Nan that he would prove to be no threat to her. No matter how he longed to visit the butts and see her in action again, he would avoid the area as if it were infested with plague. Let Toby and Stephen get their fill of the maid’s knowledge. He would stay with Lady Elysande and hope she found him worthy to purchase a few of her horses.
Coming downstairs, he found the great hall deserted. His grumbling stomach told him it was time to break his fast. Had he already missed the small meal?
Before he could search out a servant to discover why no one appeared, he heard voices of people entering the keep. A great group swelled into the room and efficiently began lifting trestle tables away from the walls and lining them up. He moved out of the way and watched how efficiently they moved. Within a handful of minutes, the people of Sandbourne sat at benches, ready for their meal. He wished the same could be said for those who dined in the great hall at Thorpe Castle. As he had last night, Tristan realized, as a guest, he would need to go to the dais.
Where Nan de Montfort already sat.
Reluctantly, he headed in that direction, wondering how she had slipped past him. As he approached, he saw David Devereux take the seat Tristan had occupied last night and would be sharing a trencher with his cousin. Disappointment swept over him as he started to mount the dais.
“Good morning, Lord Tristan.” Michael Devereux slapped Tristan on the back in a friendly greeting as they climbed upon the platform. He held a hand out to his wife and propelled the countess up.
“Come take a seat, my lord,” Lady Elysande invited.
Tristan went to the seat she indicated and nodded brusquely before taking his place. Lady Elysande sat on Tristan’s left and her husband took the spot on his wife’s other side.
Servants appeared with ale and bread. He took both and tore a piece from the small loaf he received.
“We missed you at mass this morning, my lord,” the countess said.
So that’s where everyone had been. Tristan knew of estates where noblemen required all of their workers and servants to attend mass each morning. He had never been one of those.
Besides having no belief in love, he had no faith in a heartless God.
Still, he thought to make light of the matter, not wanting to reveal his personal beliefs. “Will my attendance at mass be a requirement for purchasing any of your horses, my lady?”
She frowned in disapproval. “At this rate, my lord, I don’t know if I will bother showing you anymore of my horses. I only send them to excellent homes.”
Incredulity filled him. “You sit in judgment of the kind of home I run based upon my missing mass this morning?”
Lady Elysande’s eyebrows shot up, her annoyance with him plainly written on her face. “I prefer to discover as much as I can about the men who seek to buy my horseflesh. What they are like. What their core values are. What they find to be important. A man who gives God His due and honors Him regularly is more likely to treat his family, workers, and livestock well.”
Tristan bit back the retort that threatened to fly from his lips. Who did this woman think she was, assessing him in such a manner?
She turned to her ale and raised the cup to her lips, ending their conversation.
Not wishing to admit it, he realized she had made a strong point. The countess treated each horse as a beloved family member and would wish any she sold to go to a place where they would be valued and have a good life. He could understand how she made the connection between keeping the Holy God’s commandments and treating others—even animals—well.
“I apologize, my lady.” Tristan hoped he sounded as contrite as he felt. “I want you to know that if I am, indeed, fortunate enough to purchase any of your stock, those horses will never be mistreated. I do my best to handle the people on my estate fairly. Mayhap you would care to visit Thorpe Castle for yourself, along with Lord Michael, to see if you approve.”
The offer, though made in haste, was one he hoped would not be taken up. Though Tristan took pride in the hard work that he had put into the castle and all the Leventhorpe lands, no one had to tell him that his home and estate fell far short of what he saw at Sandbourne. The Devereux estate ran smoothly and efficiently. The workers he had seen stayed busy. Looking across everyone dining in the great hall, the air buzzed with conversation. This was a happy, thriving place.
Thorpe Castle had not been before the tragedy and wasn’t now. Tristan knew it would compare poorly if judged by Sandbourne standards. It had taken visiting the Devereux estate to recognize that.
He’d done the best he could to repair all the damage. He’d taken his time in hiring soldiers who would be steadfast and slowly eased into hiring a few servants and workers for the castle as he brought new tenants on the land. Yet it had been a struggle. The numbers in each of those groups were sorely lacking. Tristan worried it would take many more years to not only return the estate to what it had been before, but to see it became even better.
“Thank you for your kind offer, my lord,” Lady Elysande responded politely. “This is too busy a time for me to be away from home, though, with so many foals being born. It was hard enough leaving for a week to attend my cousin’s wedding at Kinwick. I don’t plan on going anywhere for the next few months.”
Curiosity caused him to ask, “Who wed at Kinwick? Lady Nan mentioned to me that all of her older siblings are wed.”
“’Twas her middle brother, Hal, who married Lady Elinor Swan recently.” She smiled. “Elinor makes a fine addition to the de Montfort family.”
“Is she skilled in something unusual?” he asked. “As you and Lady Nan are?”
“Aye,” she said enthusiastically. “Lady Elinor is a falconer of some repute.”
Tristan’s jaw dropped. He’d never heard of a woman as a falconer.
The countess laughed merrily. “Oh, we are full of surprises in this family, my lord.” She sipped her ale. “I’m afraid I will be busy today with Argo and Ginger. David, too. I am going to place you in Michael’s hands instead. By tomorrow, mayhap you will be back in my good graces and I will deign to show you more of my hor
ses.”
Tristan thought she only half-joked with him. He would certainly need to be on his best behavior around this woman.
And Nan.
Lady Elysande rose. “I will see you this evening, Lord Tristan. Why don’t you come to the solar for the evening meal? It will give us a chance to know you better in a more intimate setting.”
“Of course, my lady.”
The earl had also risen and gave his wife’s cheek a kiss before he helped her down. He turned to Tristan. “My wife is a true force of nature, Leventhorpe. What say you and I head to the stables? I’ll show you our estate from horseback.”
Tristan stood. A glance told him that Nan and David had already left the dais. He steeled himself for what lay ahead.
*
Tristan waited while Lord Michael drew buckets of water from a well for an elderly woman. He had accompanied the nobleman for several hours. They had ridden the perimeter of the estate and then moved within it, visiting workers who weeded in the fields and various tenants. The earl knew everyone’s name and treated each person with polite, friendly respect and freely complimented them. In return, everyone was pleasant and considerate to the nobleman.
As they walked their horses back to the castle, Tristan said, “I am surprised you know everyone’s name even though you have such a large estate.”
“I was gone from Sandbourne for many years. A falling out with my father when I was a boy. When I returned just prior to his death, I saw few faces that I recognized. Elysande and I wed when I became the earl and we both believed it was important to become familiar with our estate. Part of that responsibility meant getting to know all of our tenants. My wife takes great pleasure in speaking to everyone. She knows about their babes and who has been ill. She takes food and clothing to those in need. And because I want to spend time with her, I am her willing accomplice.”
