Against my will, I felt sorry for him. He seemed so defeated and miserable that for a moment his horrible acts were forgotten from my heart.
"Didn't anyone bring you any other clothes from home?" I asked him.
He shook his head, careful not to speak lest the tears burst from his eyes.
"Do you want me to arrange for someone to bring you other clothes?" I asked.
He thought for a moment and said, almost in a whisper. "If possible."
*
I left the interrogation room. I had a feeling that Yigal was on the edge and needed a little nudge. I decided not to start the interrogation at all, not to throw accusations and questions at him – to come in peace, as they say. I called Dina. She sounded devastated. In addition to the impossibility of handling what she discovered about her husband, she had to deal with the rumor mill surrounding his arrest. I asked her why she hasn’t visited her husband and told her he had to wear the detainee uniform.
“Good,” she muttered. “Let him pay the price.”
I told her that Yigal had said nothing for two days and that if she really wanted him to pay, maybe she could help us to get Yigal talking.
It was difficult for her. On the one hand she had the basic need to protect and stand by her husband and the father of her daughters, but on the other hand, she was hurt by him: he had lied to her for years and done horrible things behind her back. She wanted to do the right thing.
A short while after I spoke to her she arrived at the station with a small bag of clothes and toiletries for Yigal. While one of the officers went through the bag’s contents, I took them into the room where the detainees usually meet with their lawyers for privacy.
They were in the room for about an hour. Dina came out puffy with tears. Yigal didn’t look any better. He was a mess, too. We transferred him to the holding cell to let him calm down.
At noon I went to the holding cell to see how he was doing.
“Hadas?” he said.
“Yes?”
“I want to talk.”
*
I set up the recording equipment in the interrogation room. I didn't want anything to go wrong. Yigal sat and watched me in silence.
After confirming his personal information for protocol, I asked, "Yes Yigal, what would you like to say?"
He didn't speak, arranged his thoughts and then said in a broken voice, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he broke into tears, "I couldn't control myself."
"What did you do Yigal?" I asked gently.
"But I didn't kill anyone, you have to believe me. I didn't even know it was him."
"Slow down, Yigal," I tried to calm him. "Who is he?"
"Meir Danilowitz, I really didn't know it was him."
"Didn't know what?"
"I didn't know he was the person who was blackmailing me."
"What do you mean?"
"I always got anonymous letters and sent cash to an unnamed postbox in Tel-Aviv."
"Can you please start at the beginning? How did the extortion begin?"
"Last summer, if I remember correctly, it was in July. I got a brown envelope at work. It said, "Personal For Yigal," so no one opened it. When I opened it, my heart sank. It was pictures of me in an embarrassing situation."
"What was in the pictures?"
"Me coming of the bushes." Meir apparently printed out screenshots from the video he had captured.
"And what's the problem with that?" I played dumb.
"A boy had come out with me…" he looked at me with a meaningful gaze.
I decided to let this matter go. We would get there eventually. "Was there also a letter?"
"Yes."
"What did it say?" I had to keep him talking.
"It said they were pictures from a video that had no two ways about it and that if I didn't want it to get to the police, I had to place fifty thousand shekels in his postbox."
"And did you?"
Yigal rolled his eyes. "You can understand that… I didn't sleep at night, I didn't know if he was bluffing, if he really had a video, what was in the video… I had nowhere to turn. He didn't leave a name or phone number, I had no one to barter with. I realized that if I didn't pay, I was in trouble, but I didn't want him to think that I was a bottomless pit, so I sent only twenty thousand and told him that's what I had."
"Did the blackmail continue? How much money did he ask for?"
"Yes. Of course it continued. I got several more of these letters and each time I only sent a portion of the money. Overall, to my estimation, he asked for almost half a million shekels and I sent about two hundred thousand. The last two times, I added a letter to the money saying that I couldn't handle it and I didn't have enough money."
"But the extortion went on."
"Right." He nodded woefully, like he was a helpless victim.
"And you didn't think of a way to avoid it?"
"Of course…I spent the last few months trying to find another workplace where I could relocate somewhere."
"And did you find one?" I knew the answer to that.
"Yes, but what good will it do me now…"
"When did you realize you were connected to Meir Danilowitz?"
"Honestly?"
"Nothing but the truth."
"I had a little sting in my heart the morning Meir killed them all and committed suicide. It just seemed strange to me that this horrible story took place in my neighborhood, of all places. I knew it was someone close to me all along."
"How come?"
"The photos were taken in our neighborhood. Whoever took them knew me, that was clear to me."
"Did you know Meir?"
"Very superficially."
"So after the murder, you thought he was your blackmailer?"
"I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure. When you came to arrest me this week, I was certain."
"Why?"
"Because you were on to me two weeks following the murder."
"Yigal," I stopped for a second, wanting to sound calm. "On to what?"
"You know…" he looked down.
"The pictures? The videos?"
"Yes."
"Is that why you got so defensive?"
He shrugged. It was clear to me that he was hiding much more than what we found.
"We found Meir's video," I told him.
He lifted his gaze and bit his lips; we both knew the videos were only the beginning.
"And what's in it?"
"Enough to convict you of statutory rape," I lied. The video wasn't clear enough.
Tears covered his cheeks once again.
"Who’s the boy in the video?" I asked carefully. With the boy's testimony we could have a solid indictment.
"Tomer Aharonovitz."
"How do you know him?"
"From synagogue. I think he was also with my little girl in kindergarten."
I thought for a moment. "So he's nine-years old?"
Yigal nodded.
"And if the video was shot a year ago…" I didn't go on. Yigal looked down.
I had to stop for a moment. It was difficult for me.
"Yigal—" he raised only his eyes and looked at me with a miserable gaze. “—what did you do to Tomer Aharonovitz that you were so frightened of?"
He bit his lips again, closed his eyes and shook his head. "I couldn't help myself. I really had no control."
"What did you do?" I asked again.
"He helped me come." He opened his eyes. He had a terrified look.
"How?"
"You know…"
"No, I don't know."
"I pulled down my pants and told him I have a magic trick…" Yigal was a well-known magician in the neighborhood.
"And then?" I needed him to say the words.
"And then he jerked me off," he said very fast.
"Did you reach a climax?"
He nodded.
"I need you to say it."
"Yes, I reached climax."
"And how did the boy react?"
/> "Like they all do…" He stopped himself for a moment, realizing he had just dug himself deeper.
"How do they all react?" I asked with a quivering voice, understanding how big this story was.
"First they're curious and then they get scared."
"Why?"
"When I climaxed, it was a little difficult for me to control myself and it alarmed him."
"Were there any more kids?"
He looked at me. I sensed he wanted to talk, but didn't know how to begin. He wanted to put an end to years of living a lie.
"I was born this way," he eventually said. "I've never been attracted to women, and not adult males either, just boys."
"How did it begin?"
"When all of my friends in the Yeshiva high school started talking about girls, I sensed that something was different about me. I had no interest in the opposite sex whatsoever. For some time, I thought I was a homosexual because there was someone two grades below me that I had a crush on. I fantasized about him nonstop. Now I know that the reason he aroused me like that was because he was very boyish, he had an almost childlike appearance. At fifteen he looked like an eleven-year-old. He, unlike me, was a homosexual. When I was in twelfth grade and he was in tenth we became a couple. I have no way to describe how wonderful those months were for me. It was the most beautiful time of my life—an exciting time full of experiences."
"And then what happened?"
"I went into the army and didn't see him so much. During that time he matured, he had a growth spurt. He got taller, got hair on his body, and when I saw him naked after we hadn't slept together in months, I was really repulsed. I missed the smooth boyish body he had. At first, I thought I was just over that guy, but I soon realized I was simply attracted to children. When I was on leave, my neighbor, who was a teacher in elementary school, volunteered me to be a security escort for a class of fourth-grade boys from my settlement."
"What settlement?"
"I'm originally from Elkana, do you know it?"
"Near Shaarei Tikva, isn't it?" My mother's sister lived in Shaarei Tikva.
He seemed surprised at my familiarity with settlements across the green line and continued. "One day, there was a hike in the morning, and in the afternoon, they went to an amusement park which also had pools. The boys took off their clothes and played in the water and I was aroused like I had never been in my life. I felt amazing and horrified all at the same time. For years, I felt horrible with the fact that I'm a homosexual, and now when I realized that I was actually a full-blown pedophile, I prayed to be just a homosexual."
"And did you do anything?"
"On that trip?"
"Yes."
"No, of course not. I was paralyzed with fear."
"But at some point did you?"
He looked down. "Yes," he whispered.
"I didn't hear you."
"Yes." He lifted his eyes. "After that trip I volunteered to stay in the army base as many weekends as I could. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be near children and there were no children on the base. Eventually, I finished the army and I had to see children. Each time I saw a child, I became paralyzed with fear, I didn't know how I would react—I was afraid of myself. Everybody thought I was an introverted person, but actually, I imprisoned myself at home. I didn't want to face my demons. Things were different then—there was no internet. On the one hand, I didn't know who and what I was, and on the other hand, there was no available pornography for people like me. I'd get aroused by children's magazines and all sorts of pictures I'd find."
"What sort of pictures?"
"Just pictures of kids, nothing that would cause suspicion."
"Why didn't you seek therapy?"
"I didn't know who I could turn to. I was afraid I'd immediately be arrested and thrown into jail or an insane asylum."
"Why did you get married? Didn't you feel like you were misleading Dina?"
"I wanted to be normal so much… for years I felt like I didn't belong to the human race and I thought that if I started a family, then my life would be much simpler, that I’d be busy with routine life. It was very hard for me to approach girls; most of them immediately sensed that something wasn’t right with me. Even if I managed to get through the first two or three dates, I couldn't fake enthusiasm, which is necessary at the beginning of a relationship."
"So how did you manage to do it with Dina?"
"When I met Dina I was already twenty-four and she was barely twenty. She was very young and inexperienced and I felt as if I was a hundred. I think Dina liked me from the start. She was looking for someone quiet, and I practically took a vow of silence. Dina didn't give up on me. She misinterpreted my lack of enthusiasm that distanced other girls so much."
"How could you tie your fate with a girl that you didn't even love?"
"I’ve no idea how many people marry out of love. I can tell you that I'm certain that a considerable number of couples don't marry out of love. Apart from the sexual issue, Dina and I were a great match. We had a good life together. I don't know how to call it, love or concern, but I definitely care very much about that woman."
"Weren't you afraid that you would become part of an incest situation?"
He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "If you only knew how stressed I was about the pregnancy! I prayed… I just prayed day and night that I would have girls."
"Why?"
"I've never been attracted to girls—not women and not girls. I was afraid that if I had a little boy in the house I wouldn't be able to contain myself."
"You have three girls."
"Thank God." Tears came to his eyes again.
"Why? It sounds like you managed to control yourself for years. Did you do anything during that time?"
"Nothing. I never harmed a child."
"And what happened then?"
"The internet—that's what happened. I know it's very superficial to blame the Internet for something that was in me, but until I was exposed to child pornography online, I didn't truly release my most secret desires."
"How exactly did the internet free you?"
"Like most people—especially men—that started surfing the net, I immediately looked for pornography. As time went on, the Internet became more open and it was easier to find what you were looking for. At first, it was hard to find child porn. I would make do with pictures and homosexual movies where one of the actors is very young or looks very young. Later, I got pictures and movies of children."
"How did you feel downloading these movies?"
"I can't say I felt great, but I'd be lying if I told you I felt bad. First of all, I wasn't the one who shot these films."
"You didn't feel like an accomplice?"
"No, quite the contrary. The fact that there’s so much material and so many views of it encouraged me. For the first time in years I felt like I wasn't alone in the world—that there were other people who felt like me. The Internet encouraged me in that sense. I sometimes went on legitimate gay and straight portals because I was interested to see what other people were watching and I discovered that movies where one or both of the participants looks like a young boy or girl—I mean, much younger than their real age—were the most watched. I think there's a lot of hypocrisy about it. People denounce pedophilia but are curious about it."
"And at some point, did you move on from passively watching to actively playing it out?"
"Yes." He answered plainly.
"Will you elaborate on that?"
"The movies I watched online really aroused me. I walked around in a daze, I thought about children all of the time. I felt like I had no life, that my perversion was controlling me. And then I went on a long weekend in Prague with Dina. It was about six months before Noga, our youngest, was born. I was far from home—I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and that if I was succumbing to the urge I might as well do it somewhere where it would be harder to find me out. I think I knew I was going to do it as soon as we got on the pl
ane. I was lucky. Dina wasn't feeling well and I had quite a bit of time to walk around alone. My father's father is from Czechoslovakia. All of his family, including a wife and three kids, perished in the Holocaust, so I felt like this was my small revenge."
I was amazed at how Yigal managed to morally justify his horrible actions.
"Anyway, in one of my wanders through the city I passed by a playground. I managed to lure one of the kids there with candy and an electronic game. It was a boy of about eight."
"How did he even understand you?"
"I told you, my grandfather is from there, I knew a bit of Czech from home. I managed to get him to come behind the bushes with me."
"And what did you do?"
"I raped him." He said in a strangled voice.
"And how did you feel?"
"Amazing… since that romance in twelfth grade I hadn't experienced that kind of sexual release."
"And didn't you feel for the boy?"
"I managed to distance myself from it, especially because he was Czech and I felt like it was revenge."
"And what happened after this? Did you continue to rape kids?"
He started crying. He couldn't calm down.
After a long while he sobbed and said, "I couldn't do anything else, it was stronger than me."
Chapter 28
Thursday, 6.4.2009
Yigal’s confession lasted hours. He began it on Wednesday afternoon and finished the next day. A significant part of the time, he was crying and trying to excuse his acts with the fact that his tendency was stronger than him and he had no real control over his actions. He compared himself to homosexuals a number of times, in the sense that they’re born with that sexual tendency, like him.
I didn’t argue with him. I didn’t even try to explain to him that his inherent tendency was hurting children and was missing the element of consent that exists in sexual relations between same sex adults. I didn’t tell him that although he was born with this tendency, like any innate tendency that harms a person and his surroundings, he should have gotten treatment and not let it control his life.
Hill of Secrets: An Israeli Jewish mystery novel Page 25
