by Anita Notaro
‘What’s your problem?’ He looked mystified.
I’d no idea. ‘Want to dance?’ I asked suddenly, without a trace of anxiety.
‘Sure, I have to shut you up somehow.’ He left down his drink and grabbed my hand. A DJ had set up after the guys had finished, and the lights were low and the music changed tempo just as we got there.
‘OK, Lulu, what’s going on?’ He pulled me into his arms but held me far enough away from him so that he could see my face.
‘Nothing, I’m having a great time, actually.’ I meant it. I hadn’t felt so relaxed in years.
‘Good, so am I.’
‘I feel sexy,’ I admitted.
‘You look hot.’ He winked at me.
‘Really?’ He might as well have told me I’d won the lotto.
‘Really.’ He pulled me close. ‘You’re a different girl to the one I met last week. Far less uptight.’
I was delighted and sensibly decided to leave it at that. Unfortunately, it was one of the last sensible things I did for the night. All too quickly, the music changed, and the others joined us and Louis grabbed me, and between us we turned a few heads in the next half-hour with our antics.
‘I guess it’s time to go, girls,’ Clodagh said eventually, just as I realized my glass was empty again.
‘No way, it’s early.’
‘It’s two o’clock, darling.’ Maddy laughed at my bemused face.
‘Anyone want a lift?’ I’d forgotten Clodagh was driving.
‘I could drop you off in my taxi if you like,’ Paul offered Maddy, and she said ‘Yes please,’ a bit too quickly, I thought.
‘Are we going back to my place?’ I asked Mike then, making her comment sound like the most subtle come-on ever uttered.
Clodagh looked like she was about to say something, then closed her mouth quickly as Maddy shot her a look.
‘I think someone should deposit you safely home.’ He tipped my nose with his finger. ‘Want to share a cab?’
‘Yep,’ I said instantly.
‘Are you sure? I could drop—’ Clodagh interrupted, but I held up my hand. ‘I’m a big girl, you know,’ I told her. ‘I can look after myself.’
We all left together, and Paul and Maddy and Mike and I headed for taxis. Clodagh waved and shuffled off with Louis and his new man, Geoff, having discovered that Geoff’s house was quite close to hers.
‘You take the first one,’ Maddy offered. ‘Sure you’re OK?’ she asked me.
‘Absolutely.’ In fact I had been fine, a bit drunk, as in I’d lost my inhibitions, but now, out in the fresh sea air, I felt much worse for wear. Still, I knew I could hold it together. Hell, I’d had years of practice.
‘Text me as soon as you get in, won’t you?’ Maddy waved us off.
‘I only live a mile or two away.’ I gave the driver directions and, within minutes, he was at our lane.
‘I don’t see any houses here.’ Mike was looking at me and smiling. ‘Have you forgotten where you live, Lulu?’
‘No I have not. That’s my house there.’ I hopped out and he followed. I thought I vaguely heard him tell the driver to wait, which was a massive disappointment.
‘That’s a mobile home, or whatever you call it.’
‘Yes, thank you, I can see that. It’s a van actually, to people in the know.’ I wagged my finger at him. ‘And it’s mine.’
‘You live in a trailer?’ He asked, with a look I couldn’t quite decipher on his face.
‘Yep.’ I fished out my keys. ‘And that’s my motorbike over there.’ I was enjoying myself immensely. I sounded so much more interesting, even to me.
‘Cool,’ he said. ‘How long have you lived here?’
‘Ages.’ I sort of lunged at the deck in an effort to appear nonchalant and nearly missed the step. ‘Come in and have a look round.’ I chucked my handbag away for good measure, having fished out the keys first, thankfully.
‘I should be getting home, the taxi’s waiting.’ He grinned, ducking to avoid being strangled with a shoulder strap. I heard a thud as my bag hit the tree.
I’d managed to get the key in the lock, so I pulled Mike in after me, just as he tried to rescue it. ‘Get rid of the cab.’ I flicked the switch for the wall lights and turned on my iPod. ‘I feel like getting laid.’ It was at that moment that I decided I just might be more drunk than I realized, so I sort of pushed him down on the sofa in an effort to sit down myself.
‘Relax,’ I said, and lunged at him, sticking my boobs in his face. ‘Let’s fuck like tigers.’ I grinned, flinging my leg across his lap. It was then I noticed the cotton wool peeping up from where my boobs should have been. I stood up – a bit too sharpish – to fix them before he noticed, but the effort took its toll. I belched, then swayed as everything went funny and the room started to spin. With absolutely no warning for either of us, I leaned over him once more and vomited all over his chest, with a spurt or two in his eye for good measure.
11
MY EYES WOULDN’T OPEN. I RUBBED FURIOUSLY, AND WHEN I FINALLY prised my lids apart I wished I hadn’t. Everything hurt. The taste in my mouth reminded me of a stale rice cake I’d once bitten into. It felt like maggots were rummaging in my stomach and someone was drilling my brain and hadn’t bothered to anaesthetize me. I lay there, feeling worse than I imagined most living people felt no matter how near death they were, and tried to get my head around what had happened. I hadn’t a clue, and the more I tried to piece it together the more panicky I became, until my heart was thumping so hard I knew I had to stand up to try and alleviate the pressure. That was a mistake. Even though I eased myself out of bed so slowly a pensioner would have beaten me to it, as soon as I was upright I knew I was definitely going to throw up, and I bolted for the loo, ruining my bathroom carpet in the process. When I couldn’t take the smell of me any longer, I crawled into the shower, turned on the water and eased myself up the wall like an elderly drunk.
Ten minutes later, wrapped in a towel and dressing gown but still shivering, I drank three soluble tablets in a pint of water. Eventually I stumbled on to the banquette seating and stayed there for half an hour until the tablets had at least dulled the hammering in my head.
The phone rang. I’d no idea where the bloody thing was but, after three calls, my fuddled brain realized it was next to my bed. At least once there I could lie down again.
‘He— hello.’
‘Jesus, you sound rough, are you OK?’ Maddy asked.
‘What happened?’
‘That’s just what I was about to ask you. How did you get on with Mike?’
‘Mike?’
‘Yeah. He left you home, remember . . . ?’
And so it was for the entire day. In between trips to the loo I had a few conversations with the girls, rescued half the contents of my bag from the surrounding woodland and opened all the windows in the van in a futile effort to get rid of the stench.
Thankfully, my memory came back in stages; otherwise I’d have topped myself in sheer disbelief at what I could remember of my performance. Even at that I had no idea how I’d gotten to bed and whether I’d managed to undress myself – a scary thought. I had serious doubts as soon as I saw my clothes folded neatly over the back of a chair.
‘Tell me the very last thing you remember.’ Clodagh was on her third call of the day, and she was getting irritated.
‘I’ve told you both, I can’t really recall anything much after leaving the pub, although I do know I threw my handbag up a tree, for some reason—’
‘Right, that tells me a lot,’ she said with a loud guffaw. ‘So, what time did Mike leave?’ There was a hint of a ‘did you or didn’t you?’ in her question but, unlike Maddy, she was being a bit sensitive given my fragile state.
‘Listen, I don’t even know if he came in, never mind what time he left. All I know is I woke up in bed, naked, with my clothes folded over a chair and my knickers draped over the bedside lamp beside my bra, which was dangling from a glass of water. The only thing saving
my sanity is that if anyone had undressed me fully they’re unlikely to have been so adventurous with my underwear, don’t you think? Oh God—’ I wanted to vomit again. ‘I think I may have tried to have sex with him.’ I suddenly had a flash of me throwing my leg over him. ‘I definitely made a lunge at him and stuck my boobs in his face.’
‘Crikey, will I come around with a bottle of wine and we can try and figure—’ She was obviously desperate for the goss.
‘No. No, please.’ I knew I sounded insane. ‘Even the smell of alcohol could send me over the edge.’ I tried not to gag.
‘Peppermint tea then? It’s good for the—’
‘No, I can’t even stand the taste of the ordinary stuff at the moment. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.’
‘Well, you can’t. You just have to face the music.’ She’d run out of sympathy, obviously.
‘Oh my God, I’ve just remembered something else.’ I buried my face in my hands. ‘No, God, please no.’
‘What is it? Tell me,’ she screamed.
‘I think I . . . oh fuck, I think I threw up on top of him, it was when I tried to pull the cotton wool out of my bra without him noticing.’ I was so mortified by this time, I knew there was nowhere lower I could possibly sink.
She laughed so hard I hung up, disgusted. Maddy rang five minutes later, singing ‘Stuck On You,’ or something equally grotty. ‘I’m sorry, but it’s just that it’s so unlike you it’s fabulous. Please, I beg you; give me a blow by blow.’
‘No. Go away. I hate you both.’ I hung up. Again.
‘Hear me out. It’s what you wanted – a complete change of personality. I love the new you.’ She was back within seconds.
Eventually I switched off my mobile, crawled under the duvet and watched TV until it got nearly dark and I could legitimately try to sleep. An hour later I was nowhere near oblivion, so I gave in, rang Maddy and begged her for one of her ‘relaxer’ tablets. She always had an endless supply, claimed it was the only way to get through an interminable day on set. She called around forty minutes later, bottle in one hand and Clodagh in the other. I got some sympathy when they saw how bad I looked.
‘Have a cure, it’ll help. One glass with a tablet will knock you out,’ she suggested, not a recommendation I’d be reading on the packet, I reckoned.
‘No, honestly, desperate as I am for sleep I would be violently ill if I even got a whiff of the stuff. Please,’ I begged. ‘I know you mean well but just give me a tablet and leave me to die in peace.’
‘OK, OK.’ Maddy gave in. ‘My liver is shot anyway, I bet.’ She grinned at me. ‘Although you were downing them a lot faster than anyone else.’
‘Out. Now.’ I opened the door and practically threw them both into the night. ‘And if either of you ever let me get into that state again, there’ll be hell to pay.’
‘Actually’ – Maddy ducked under my arm and grabbed the corkscrew and two glasses before I knew it – ‘we’ll have a drink out here on the deck. That way, you can stay inside near the loo and tell us what happened. You won’t even have to look at us.’ She sounded delighted.
‘No,’ I begged, but they refused to go anywhere until I’d gone over it once more.
Half an hour later, they linked arms and laughed their way to the car. I swallowed the tablet, which I just about managed to keep down, threw myself into bed and mercifully conked out.
Next day, the full horror of my actions hit me. It was my worst Monday morning in years. I could no longer hide behind a veil of sickness and cold sweats and wanting to die. Instead I had to face up to what I’d done – tried to seduce a client while he laughed at me, pulled the stuffing out of my boobs while wriggling them in his face and then, just to ensure he’d never forget me, I’d thrown up all over him. As Maddy had said, I’d been moaning for years about being dull, but really, I’d never been so out of control in my life. It was scary, and worse, I knew I could never face Mike – or Louis – again and I was determined not to have to. I spent the morning tracking down the only other qualified animal behaviourist I knew of, then asking her if she’d do me a huge favour and see a client because I’d sort of become ‘personally involved’ and felt it was no longer appropriate to treat their dog. God, I felt a complete eejit.
‘Well, actually, the animal is your client, so as long as you’re not “personally involved” with Pedro – was that his name? – then I’d say you’re OK.’ I could hear the laughter in her voice.
‘Well, perhaps I’ll just give them the option.’ I wanted out of this conversation. Fast.
‘Of course. I’d be happy to help. Give them my number,’ she said kindly, sensing my distress – I imagined – from hearing my very high-pitched voice.
‘Thanks so much, I’ll do the same for—’ I decided not to go there. ‘Cheers, thank you.’ I hung up, sweating.
By the time I reached my office at two o’clock, I was like a wet rag and still a bit hungover, this time from the tablet, I suspected, although Maddy said that was rubbish. ‘I’ve often taken three – on a bad day, mind you – and felt no ill effects,’ she scoffed. ‘You’re still suffering from liver poisoning, I suspect.’ She laughed childishly. ‘Any word from Mike?’ she asked quietly, tongue glued to her cheek, I imagined.
‘No, and don’t go there,’ I warned as I swept past reception, afraid to talk to anyone, so fragile was I feeling.
‘Eh, just a few appoint—’ Mary tried to stop me, but I brushed past her. ‘Great, I’ll pick them up later, thanks,’ I muttered.
‘It’s just that I—’ She tried again but I was having none of it.
‘Sorry, just on an important call,’ I hissed at her. ‘Speak to you later.’ I spent the next hour closeted away, on the phone, willing the time to pass so that I could go home.
I was chatting to Maddy when Mary put her head around the door.
‘Sorry to interrupt, I tried to tell you earlier, but I took an appointment for you, because you’d nothing on.’ She looked scared she’d made a mistake.
I was about to ask who it was when Louis walked in. I stood up so quickly I almost tripped over Pedro, and came face to face with Mike. I had such an instant surge of panic that I honestly thought I was having a heart attack.
‘Eh, hello.’ My eyes were wider than saucers, I knew. ‘Hello, Pedro.’ I practically threw myself on the animal in an attempt to avoid either of his owners.
‘I was trying to tell you earlier,’ Mary said cheerfully. ‘Mr—’
‘Louis, please darling. I keep telling you I ain’t no mister.’ Louis chuckled. ‘Hello there,’ he beamed at me. ‘I hope you don’t mind the short notice, but Mike was free and Mary said you had no clients scheduled, so I sort of muscled in, as it were. Great night on Saturday, wasn’t it?’ he said as Mary left. ‘You sure can dance, can’t she, Mike?’
‘She has a lot of hidden talents, I’d have to agree,’ Mike said quietly.
‘Come in, please,’ I gestured, wondering how long I could avoid (a) looking at Mike and (b) throwing up all over him. Again.
I’ve no idea what I said to them for an entire hour, but somehow I managed not to glance above Mike’s Adam’s apple while I lavished attention on the dog, gushed over Louis and generally behaved like a mentaller. Eventually, I shoved all three of them out the door claiming I needed to discuss their problem with a colleague in the States and that I’d be in touch in a day or two.
‘But I thought we knew where we were going with this,’ a bemused Louis stuttered.
‘We do,’ I said confidently. ‘But just to be on the safe side . . .’ I chirped. ‘I’ll be in touch. Bye.’ I slammed the door after them and would have locked it if I could. Shivering and sweating, I sat down, nerves in shreds, finally understanding why some people kept a bottle in their bottom drawer for emergencies. I put my head in my hands and was just about to howl when I heard the knock.
‘Mary, I’m really sorry, I was just about to explain.’ I rooted in my drawer, afraid she’d notice ho
w unhinged I was.
‘It’s me, I just wondered where I should leave my dry-cleaning bill?’ said the voice of my tormentor.
I practically dived for cover. ‘Em, just leave it at reception,’ I mumbled.
‘Actually, you’re lucky. I managed to mop up most of the stuff with all that cotton wool you were . . .’ He coughed ‘. . . getting rid of.’
‘Yes, well, I’m—’
‘You can’t avoid looking at me forever you know. Louis already thinks you’re bonkers.’
‘Sorry to interrupt—’ Mary cut in. ‘Just I have a phone call from New York for you and I wondered if you might want to take it?’
‘Call me,’ Mike said.
‘Fine. Yes. Great. Thanks,’ I mumbled, along with every other word I could think of for ‘goodbye’. I could definitely hear him laughing as he finally, mercifully backed away.
12
THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING FOR IT, I DECIDED. CONCENTRATE ON my career and forget the rest. This was, of course, easier said than done, but I was pretty determined. I took every bit of work I could get, kept my head down and avoided the demon drink and the demonesses Maddy and Clodagh.
Ronan O’Meara was back, and this time he’d brought Deputy.
The Labrador ignored him throughout the session, so no clues there. In fact, we ended up going into our tiny kitchen halfway through because he was snoring so loudly we couldn’t talk properly.
‘There’s something I’m missing here,’ I had to admit as I spooned coffee into two mugs. ‘The dog is clearly not fatally attracted to you, so why does he keep appearing at your door?’ I wondered aloud. ‘Are you sure you don’t live next door to a meat factory?’
‘Nope.’ He shook his head as if taking the question seriously.
‘And there aren’t any fabulous female dogs in the vicinity, wearing pink tutus and diamonds?’ I thought of Pedro.
‘Uh uh.’ He shook his head.
‘I’m stumped.’ I didn’t mind admitting it.
‘Me too.’ He tucked into a plate of chocolate-chip cookies and didn’t look worried.
