by Anita Notaro
‘That’s it, you’ve hit the nail on the head,’ she told me. ‘It all helps keep her memory alive.’
I was arranging some flowers I’d brought her as we chatted, because I knew how much she loved her garden and hated that in winter it was bare. Pete had taken to sitting right on her toes each time we called and he got permanently stroked as a result. I generally called on my way home from work, because early evening was a time most people were feeding families, or commuting, or still at work.
‘Tell me about Mike,’ she said out of the blue as I tidied up after the flowers. ‘Are you two an item?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Although – and I haven’t said this to anyone except Maddy – I’m beginning to wish we were. He’s like the other half of me these days.’
‘That sounds like a good start.’ Connie took up her knitting. Pete didn’t like it, he tried to steal her ball of wool all the time, but we both decided it was only because he was being done out of a rub when her hands were busy.
‘Yes, but in a way, I’m not sure it’ll go any further.’ I sighed. ‘He’s made absolutely no effort in that direction since I jumped on him and told him I wanted a ride, then got sick all over him that first night.’ As soon as I’d said it, I realized I might have offended her, but she threw back her head and guffawed so I relaxed and laughed with her. It was exactly what her daughter had done. Chats about everything had become part of our routine on these visits, and in a way she was so like Maddy – completely non-judgemental – that I found myself using her as a substitute for the sounding board I’d lost.
I told her the story then. She thought it was hilarious. ‘Well, why don’t you get all glammed up and invite him over for dinner some night to say thanks for the past few weeks? That’d be a good way of seeing if he’s interested in you that way.’
‘I’m not sure he is, that’s my problem,’ I told her. ‘What do you think?’
‘Well, I have watched you together and I do know what you mean. He’s sort of the same with everyone, young and old. He’s a lovely man though – and very easy on the eye – so you should take my advice and nab him. And he’s very protective of you; I’ve seen him looking at you when you’re not aware of it, so I guess there’s only one way to find out. Get the mood right – the two of you nice and relaxed – and see if he pounces.’ She giggled. ‘It worked for me a few times in my youth, that’s for sure. And if all else fails, I’ll do a novena to St Rita for you. She’s saint of the impossible.’
‘I thought that was St Jude?’
‘No, he’s hopeless cases, and you’re not that yet.’ She laughed again and I was so glad we had each other. We were each exactly what the other needed these days, and I loved coming to see her.
‘OK, I’ll take some comfort in the fact that I’m an impossible but not a hopeless case,’ I teased.
She laughed. ‘My novenas always work, take comfort in that. How’s your mum, by the way?’
‘Good actually. She goes home tomorrow so I’m meeting her for a drink after I leave you. And this time I’m determined to air it all.’ I smiled. ‘Life is too short, as we both know.’
‘Stick with her, it’ll work out in the end,’ Connie advised, and I stopped short of telling her yet again that I was closer to her than I’d ever been to Martha.
Maybe that remark was what prompted me to speak out an hour later, sitting opposite my mum over a late supper in a local bistro.
‘Connie was asking after you earlier,’ I began. ‘In fact, I just realized that I’m probably closer to her than I am to you at this stage.’ My heart started thumping as I spoke, but suddenly I needed to get it out there. It was the one area of my life I hadn’t tackled, and Maddy had been pushing me more and more recently, urging me to tell my mother how I felt.
To my surprise, all she said was, ‘I know that.’
It wasn’t what I expected.
‘Actually, I’m glad you brought it up.’ She smiled but looked sad. ‘I wanted to say that I was sorry for how we’d drifted apart.’
‘Why were you always so tough on me? How come Becky had such an easy time growing up and I spent my entire childhood trying to please you yet never really succeeding?’ It all came tumbling out, and I was glad.
‘I suppose I was worried you’d turn out like your father.’
‘Was he that bad?’ I wanted to know.
‘I thought so at the time. He was lazy and a waster, and it seemed like he cared only for himself.’
‘Well, I sure didn’t inherit those first two characteristics.’ I smiled sarcastically. ‘So you did well there, so well that I’ve spent my entire adult life working my ass off, being careful with everything and hating every minute of it.’
‘I’m sorry. I know I made mistakes, I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently, even more so since Maddy died.’
‘I thought you didn’t want me.’ I felt close to tears. ‘So I kept trying harder, but nothing worked. All it got me was the very odd word of praise.’
‘Can we start again?’ she said simply.
‘I guess we can try, but it feels a bit late, to be honest. You live away, and I’m more content than I’ve ever been – apart from Maddy’s death, of course – and, for the first time in my life I don’t need your approval. So’ – I paused and took a deep breath – ‘if we come together at all, it will need to be as equals and you’ll have to be the one to make the effort. I finally gave up a while back.’ I couldn’t believe I was saying all this.
‘OK, I’d like the opportunity,’ she said, and held out her hand to stroke my arm across the table. ‘And Lou, just for the record, I love you more than you’ll ever know. So, friends, at least?’ she asked.
‘Friends,’ I said quietly. ‘And I want you to tell me more about my father, in time.’ I knew I still had questions but they weren’t for tonight.
‘I will,’ she assured me. ‘I promise.’
I nodded and then realized that I was content in her presence for the first time in years.
On the work front, it was business as usual. And a lot had happened to my clients while I’d been out of action, so there was a pile of stuff waiting. Luckily, I’d diverted my mobile to the office, and Mary spoke to everyone and kept them posted. Now, though, it was time to pick up the pieces, and I was glad to be busy doing something I loved.
My first foray back to work was to hook up with Denis Cassidy to meet his daughter, which, while it wasn’t strictly a doggy dilemma, was a nice one to ease me in without too much hassle, or so I hoped, anyway.
It was all arranged. We were meeting for lunch in the Merrion Hotel, where the tables were well spaced and it was generally quiet enough anyway. When I met Denis he was very nervous. He’d come to Dublin the evening before ‘to give myself plenty of time so that I wouldn’t be confused about where I am’, and he’d booked into the Westbury Hotel off Grafton Street, gone shopping for a present for each of them, then checked and rechecked the route to the hotel so he wouldn’t get lost, even though it was less than a five-minute walk. He’d even timed it on each journey so as not to be late. His attention to detail told me how anxious he was. I met him for a cup of tea in his hotel, and he talked non-stop about the big event, insisting I check out his suit and tie and even inspect his nails.
‘I want to look my very best for them,’ he kept repeating, until I had to threaten him with a valium sandwich if he didn’t calm down.
‘What if they don’t like the look of me?’ he asked. ‘I’m hardly what she’d want in a father. I’m an oulfella, for God’s sake. A country one at that, which is even worse. She grew up in London, and you said yourself that her mother looks a million dollars. What if they’re ashamed to be seen with me?’ My heart went out to him. ‘D’ya know something? I’m beginning to think I should never have started this. I’m a foolish eejit, Lulu, that’s what I am.’
‘Dinny, I don’t—’
‘Don’t call me Dinny in front of them, please.’ He was very agitated. ‘Sorry, sorry, I
don’t mean to be rude. It’s just that Denis at least has a bit of a respectable ring to it.’ He brushed an imaginary speck of dust off his sleeve. ‘I should have bought my suit in Brown Thomas or one of those other fancy stores, that was another mistake I made. This jacket is creased.’
‘Din— eh, Denis, calm down, would you, you’re stressing yourself for no reason.’ I tried not to smile as I pictured him in BT’s, Dublin’s most expensive department store, in the middle of rows of Armani suits with trendy assistants fussing round him. ‘It’ll be fine, I promise, so stop worrying. Now, will you listen to me for a minute? They’ll be as nervous as you, that’s the first thing. And the second is that all three of you are going to have to accept each other as you are, that’s the only way this is going to work. And finally, you look terrific, that suit is perfect. You couldn’t have done any better. Now, relax, drink your tea and we’ll go for a stroll around St Stephen’s Green and feed the ducks en route to meet them, OK?’ I burst out laughing at the look on his face. ‘OK, I’ll feed them, just in case you get crumbs all over you.’
‘Sure what would I do without you?’ He laughed with me. ‘I’d never survive this on my own, that’s for sure.’
‘You would, you’re a tough old boot,’ I told him as we gathered up our stuff and got ready to leave.
He calmed down a bit as we walked through the beautiful park. The spring bulbs had finally burst through and the wallflowers were already scenting the air, and with the soft early-spring sunlight it was impossible not to feel optimistic. He asked about Maddy’s death and how I was managing and, for the first time, talking about it didn’t upset me, mainly because he seemed to sense the enormity of my loss and understand how hard it had all been for me.
‘You’ll be grand, I guarantee it, Lulu. What you’re feeling now is completely normal,’ he told me, and I felt he understood more than most people. Perhaps it was his age, I decided, as I told him things about my mother that I hadn’t been able to vocalize up to now. Maybe that final chat with Martha had done me good after all, and she had stayed in touch since she’d left, which I liked. I’d even gotten a funny doggy card in the post from her the other day, which meant she knew my new address at least. I swallowed hard, and Dinny squeezed my hand when he sensed that tears were threatening.
‘I’m sorry, I’m not sure why it is, but some days are harder than others.’ I blew my nose and made a huge effort to pull myself together. After all, I was here for him today, not the other way around.
‘Of course they are, and they will be for a while yet, and all that stuff with your mother is coming out now because of your sadness,’ was all he said, and we walked along in peaceful silence for ages, and I liked being with him.
Eventually, we made our way to the hotel. We were there a good twenty minutes before the appointed time, so I ordered some water and asked for the menu in an effort to keep him distracted.
‘Tell me once more why you wouldn’t take one look at me and turn on your heels,’ he begged.
‘They’d be very shallow if looks were all that mattered, they’ll want to get to know you,’ I assured him. ‘Especially, Catherine, I’ll bet she can’t wait to meet her father.’
‘My God, I’m a father, I still can’t believe it myself,’ he told me. ‘Even though I’ve sat in my armchair night after night and thought about it and imagined her saying it, it still feels as if all this is happening to someone else.’ He shook his head. ‘I suppose that’s because I always felt I didn’t deserve to have them in my life, after the way I behaved.’
‘Listen to me, Dinny – sorry, I mean Denis – if we all got only what we deserve then most of us would be a lot poorer as a result. Thankfully, life gives us some unexpected happy surprises, and this is one of them. And trust me, you do deserve it, you’re a decent man.’ I put my hand over his. ‘And good things come to good people. That’s what I believe anyway.’
‘By the way, I keep forgetting to say, I’m paying you for today.’ He shook his head as I tried to speak. ‘I don’t want any arguments now, so don’t waste your time,’ he warned. All of a sudden he stiffened, and when I followed his eyes I saw why.
Joan Lehane had just walked in. She looked as striking as I remembered. This time she was wearing a deep-plum, soft velvet coat with high boots and a matching big handbag. Her hair was loose and wavy, and more than one pair of eyes turned her way. She spotted me almost immediately, and then I watched her face break into a shy smile as she recognized Denis beside me.
She was at our table before I had time to get a good look at the young girl behind her, partly because a group of shoppers rose to leave just as she saw us, obscuring our view. Denis looked as if he was going to pass out with nerves, I noticed as I glanced sideways at him, having heard a slight gasp beside me. When I looked up again, I saw why. His daughter, Catherine, had just come into view. She was tall and blonde and smiling, but it was her eyes that made me gasp. It was like looking into Dinny’s eyes, and in the brief moment I had to study her I realized that her mouth had the same lopsided curve. Whatever else happened today, there was no denying that this exquisite young woman was related to him, and I found myself saying a quick prayer that neither of them was going to be disappointed with the other. If she was half as nice as she appeared, we were on to a winner, I reckoned.
39
‘HELLO.’ I RUSHED IN, AS THE OTHER THREE SEEMED LOST FOR WORDS. ‘It’s so nice to see you again.’ I shook hands with Joan and turned to her daughter.
‘You must be Catherine. I’m Louisa.’
‘Lulu, her name is Lulu, she’s just trying to be posh,’ Dinny ‘call me Denis or I’ll burst you’ Cassidy announced, and we all laughed.
‘Well, Denis Cassidy, you haven’t changed, still embarrassing the women.’ Joan smiled at him. ‘It’s nice to see you again after all this time.’ She held out her hand, but Dinny, true to form, grabbed her in a bear-hug. He seemed so relieved that they hadn’t run off as soon as they’d spotted him that he went in for the kill, was my theory. Joan looked at him for a long moment. ‘You haven’t changed a bit,’ she told him, then paused before turning to her daughter. ‘This is my . . . our daughter, Catherine,’ she said proudly, and my heart skipped a beat just looking at the three of them together.
‘Hello,’ she said shyly. ‘I’m happy to meet you at last. I’ve thought a lot about you over the years.’
As soon as she spoke, I knew it was going to be all right, and this meeting brought into sharp focus the horrible meeting Emily had had with Kitten recently. Looking at these three, I knew I could have left there and then and they’d have been fine.
Dinny, for once, was almost speechless. ‘My God, but you’re beautiful,’ he said softly. This time there was no hug; he was afraid to push it, I’d say. Instead, he held out his hand and said quietly, ‘And I’ve thought about how stupid I was to let you and your mother out of my sight every day since I last saw you as a little girl all those years ago.’
‘I missed having a father,’ Catherine said simply.
‘Not half as much as I missed having a daughter.’ He gulped. ‘And in my case it was all my own fault.’ He looked from daughter to mother and back to the young girl. ‘I owe you both an apology and I offer it now from the bottom of my heart. I’m very sorry that I was such an idiot,’ he told them. ‘Seeing you both here makes me fully understand the extent of my stupidity.’ It was an eloquent speech for a simple man, made all the more beautiful because it came straight from his heart.
‘Thank you, Denis. That means a lot,’ Joan said quietly. ‘And I made a few mistakes myself along the way too. I was too proud that time you came to see us. I should have at least listened.’
‘No, no, no.’ All he was short of doing was stamping his foot. ‘I won’t let you take even a small portion of the blame. You were right to send me packing. It was no less than I deserved.’
We were all a bit tearful by then, so he quickly took control. ‘Now, I’d like to invite you all to have a gl
ass of champagne to toast the future.’ He signalled the waiter, who appeared immediately, with everything beautifully arranged on a tray.
‘What a lovely surprise that you had organized all this,’ Joan said as we raised our glasses.
‘The only reason I didn’t have it on the table was in case you legged it as soon as you saw me.’ He grinned. ‘Thank you, Joan, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world by agreeing to this meeting,’ he toasted her. ‘And Catherine, you’ve no idea how many nights I fell asleep wondering what you looked like and never imagining I’d have the great fortune to be sitting opposite you. I’m so proud to be able to call you my daughter at last. With your permission of course.’ He touched her glass softly. ‘And Lulu, in the midst of all your own troubles, you made all this happen and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.’
Joan wanted to know what had happened to me since we’d last spoken. I filled them in with one or two sentences then insisted I was coping well and turned the conversation around, because this was a happy day and I was determined to soak up some of their happiness for myself.
We had lunch while Joan and Catherine talked a lot about their lives. Dinny couldn’t take his eyes off his daughter. He looked ready to burst with pride as he watched her go off to the ladies a while later.
‘Joan, once again, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you did for me today,’ he said as soon as Catherine was out of earshot. ‘You’ve made my life complete.’ It was another emotional moment. ‘I mean it,’ he told her. ‘She’s a credit to you – a lovely, happy girl, and what a beauty she’s turned out to be.’
‘Thank you,’ Joan said. ‘And don’t forget she’s part of you too.’
‘Aye, but she didn’t get her looks from me, that’s for sure,’ he guffawed. ‘I’ll take any credit that’s going, you know what I’m like, Lulu.’ He nudged me. ‘But Joan, you’ve done all the work raising her, and you’ve made a bloody great job of it.’
