by Anita Notaro
‘Well, I don’t know why you think you’ve left your old life behind.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘It seems that all your clients need your services for themselves, and in Dinny’s case he needs a housekeeper as well.’
‘Ah yes, but they’re only paying me to sort out their doggie dilemmas, that’s the difference. So I don’t feel any pressure at all where they’re concerned.’
‘Well, why don’t you get ready to collect Pete, and I’ll clear up the kitchen,’ he said after we’d finished. ‘I’m afraid Jack and Jill – great names, by the way – stayed on after you went to bed. Jack had brought down a bottle of Scotch when he came to turn on the heat, so we chatted for ages. And, needless to say, none of us needed any encouragement to do serious damage to the whiskey. I think Jack was quite traumatized by the time it was all over. He thinks he’s to blame for not keeping a better eye on you in the first place.’
‘That’s crazy. They’ve been amazing neighbours,’ I said. ‘I was just thinking I’ll have to buy them a present to say thanks. I don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t come to my aid. And them in the middle of a dinner party. Most people would have ignored Pete.’
‘Don’t worry, I made sure he knew how grateful we are.’ He made it sound like we were a couple and I liked it.
‘In fact, now that I think of it, I wouldn’t have got to know them at all if Maddy hadn’t marched me up to their door that first night we suspected an intruder.’ I told him the story, and we agreed that it was likely Ronan had been in; he could easily have gotten access to Maddy’s set of keys, which was what had confused us at the time. Maddy and I always had keys to each other’s homes, in case of emergency.
‘I wonder what will happen to him?’ I was thinking aloud. ‘Actually, I’d like to ring Myrtle myself later. I think his family need to think carefully about how they deal with this.’
‘Well, why don’t we wait and see what the police advise.’ Mike stood up. ‘Now, get dressed, and let’s go see the real hero of the night. Besides, I’ve a lot of ingredients to prepare for my gourmet dinner this evening.’ He grinned.
Just then there was a knock on the door. Mike answered, and my heart started thumping when I saw Ronan.
‘I’m not sure this is a good time.’ Mike looked at me for confirmation, but I knew I had to see him some time, and I was glad Mike was here.
‘No, it’s OK, come in,’ I said.
Mike looked at me. ‘Will I wait in the other room?’ he asked.
‘No, stay, please,’ I said.
‘I won’t be long. I just came to say how sorry I am and to thank you for not taking this any further.’ Suddenly he burst into tears. ‘I don’t know what came over me. I’ve been feeling so low about Lucas for a long time now, and Maddy’s death heightened it all. I never meant to hurt you or Pete and I’ve no idea why I brought a knife.’ He sounded distraught.
‘It’s OK,’ I told him. ‘I knew it was out of character.’
‘I’ll do anything to make it up to you,’ he said.
‘Then seek proper help. And deal with the issue of Lucas – you need to at least see him and find out how you feel,’ I told him. ‘That’s how you can make this up to me.’
‘I will, I promise. I’ll make an appointment to talk to someone today.’
‘Can I give you a recommendation?’ I asked.
‘You’d do that for me, after all I’ve done?’ He sounded shocked.
‘Yes,’ I said, reaching for my diary and writing down a name and number on a piece of paper.
‘I won’t contact you again, I promise. But I’ll never be able to thank you enough.’ He held out his hand, and I accepted it.
‘I’ll check on your progress through Myrtle for the moment, if that’s OK,’ I told him. ‘And for what it’s worth, I think you’d make a great father, and I think Lucas might help you enormously.’
He nodded, than shook hands with Mike, who also offered to stay in touch. Ronan again seemed amazed as he left.
‘You were amazing – I don’t know if I’d have been able to be as generous.’ Mike hugged me as soon as Ronan had left.
‘He’s a good man, I’m certain of it, and he was Maddy’s friend too,’ I said sadly. ‘I owe it to her as well as him.’
Mike smiled and said no more.
Pete looked slightly brighter when we arrived, and he went a bit mad as soon as he saw me. But he struggled to get to his feet, although Joe said that was partly to do with the sedatives he’d been given. Still, he looked disoriented and shaky, but there was no doubting his desire to go with me wherever I was headed. He glued himself to my leg and wagged his tail as best he could, and all I was short of doing was smothering him with kisses and hugs.
‘Keep a close eye on him, especially for the next twenty-four hours,’ the vet told us. ‘I’ve done all I can, but he needs careful watching.’ He gave us his home and mobile number. ‘Call me any time if anything changes, OK?’
‘Are you sure? Even late at night? I don’t want to disturb your wife.’
‘Any time – I’ll have my mobile by the bed. My family are well used to it. Normally, I’d keep him in, but there’s nothing to be done except watch him closely, and I reckon he’ll be much better if he’s with you. Look at him, he’s already rallied a bit just by seeing you.’
We thanked him and left, with me feeling I’d found a great vet and certainly someone I could refer clients to in the future. Pete managed to walk slowly to the car, but we had to help him on to my lap on the back seat, and I was glad to have a supply of painkillers to keep him comfortable. Even the short walk up the steps of the deck when we got back seemed too much for him, and he collapsed on to his bed by the fire as soon as he got inside. Still, he seemed delighted to be back home and wagged his tail and followed me with his eyes every time I moved.
Mike left shortly afterwards to get himself organized, and Jack and Jill arrived, closely followed by Clodagh, carrying an armful of flowers. I told her briefly what had happened, and she was as perplexed as I was and stunned that he’d called that morning. The only conclusion we could come to was that not being able to bond with his son had pushed Ronan over the edge in some way. I rang Myrtle, and she was distraught and blamed herself. I assured her I was fine, although I suggested she get the family together and assess their part in his breakdown. She wanted to come and see me, but I put her off for the moment, feeling I needed a bit of distance from the situation. She thanked me a million times for not pressing charges and for even speaking to Ronan afterwards.
I was well minded, and Pete got a load of presents and treats. Even a couple of local kids who didn’t know us had heard what he’d done and called to see him with a stuffed toy cat, which Pete eyed with relish. We decided the cat’s days were numbered just as soon as Pete got better.
We had a condensed version of the original dinner in the end. Mike decided to skip the starters and barbecue the fillet of beef instead of doing the whole beef Wellington thing. He made an enormous, colourful salad which gave me much-needed greens, baked the potatoes, filled three glasses with a delicious Merlot, and the three of us ate on our laps and had a good laugh. It felt like we were having a picnic, although Pete didn’t really go for the little bits of meat we left beside him, which worried me slightly. He had the best spot on the couch, though, and he was stroked continuously by one or other of us throughout the evening. It was nearly time for Maddy’s programme, so Mike made coffee and we settled down with some trepidation to watch the first episode, each of us conscious that we should have been watching while drinking champagne and toasting the celebrity sitting beside us. I had to bite my lip a few times in the minutes leading up to the programme.
No one said a word when she appeared on screen, looking alive and vibrant and very beautiful. In fact, none of us spoke at all until the first commercial break. I looked over at Clodagh and saw tears streaming down her face, and that made me hold on to mine, because I wanted to be strong for her. So I told her to shut up
, because Maddy was probably up there looking down on us and calling us wusses and eejits and other unrepeatable names while she laughed her head off.
‘You’re right – I’m sorry.’ Clodagh blew her nose and Mike sat in the middle with an arm around each of us and I felt safe and wondered what I’d do when he eventually left.
All too soon it was over, and before the credits rolled it faded to black and then faded up again on a smiling, glorious Maddy, arms outstretched as if embracing everyone. The picture was so full of life and so captured her essence that seeing the caption that accompanied it, simply giving her name and the years she’d lived, made me lean away from the screen as if I’d been given an electric shock. Then a line scrolled slowly underneath the picture that simply said:
Impossible to Forget
I think all three of us swallowed a huge lump in our throats at that. I picked up my phone straightaway and dialled Connie, and while they were as upset as we were, she told me they were so proud of Maddy and what she’d achieved. Just hearing that gave me strength, so when I hung up I was able to propose a toast to the girl who’d shared a huge chunk of my life and whom I had been delighted to be able to call my best friend.
47
THEY BOTH DECIDED TO STAY THE NIGHT, AND I WAS GLAD. I WASN’T ready to be alone here just yet. My phone, which I’d left on silent, had masses of texts and voice messages; no one who’d seen the programme seemed to have escaped unaffected.
Clodagh took the spare room, and Mike slept on the couch again. When I woke up the next morning I was still stiff, so I padded out to the kitchen, stretching as I went. Mike was nowhere to be seen, then I found a note that said, ‘Gone for a run. XX C.’
Underneath was written, ‘Just in case you think we’ve all abandoned you, I’m incapable of running after two nights on your couch. Gone to get breakfast and papers. X M.’
Pete, who’d slept beside my bed, as usual, hadn’t followed me into the kitchen. Just as I went to call his name, I heard him howl as if in pain. I dashed back into the bedroom and found him struggling to get up. He collapsed back down just as I got to him and looked at me as if to say, ‘I’m sorry, I tried.’ With my heart thumping even louder than it had during the incident with Ronan, I soothed him and told him it was OK and quickly dialled the vet’s number. I was even more worried when he said, ‘I was afraid something like this might happen. Can you come straight in?’
I was sitting on the floor ringing Mike when he walked in, carrying croissants and milk and all the papers.
‘There’s a lot of stuff about Maddy from what I can see,’ he called out. ‘I didn’t know whether you wanted to read it or not, but I got them anyway.’ I heard him dump stuff on the table and then he put his head around the door. ‘Are you de—?’ He looked at my face. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked quietly.
‘It’s Pete, he can’t get up. I phoned Joe, and he said to come straight in.’
‘Right.’ He bent down and gathered Pete in his arms. ‘I’ve got you, fella, you’re a great boy. Lulu, are you OK to drive? My keys are on the table.’
I nodded. ‘Give me thirty seconds to pull on some clothes.’
‘On second thoughts, I’ll put him on the back seat, he’ll be more comfortable and that way you can stay with him. I’ll ring Clodagh and let her know where we are.’
I was already stripping off, pulling on jeans, T-shirt and fleecy, grabbing socks and boots and pulling a comb through my hair as I moved like lightning around the van.
‘Clodagh left her phone here, so I’ve written her a note and propped it up on the table,’ Mike said as I climbed into the car.
‘I’ve never seen Pete like this,’ I told him as I cradled the dog’s head in my lap. ‘I’m scared, Mike.’
‘We’re almost there, try not to worry.’ He zoomed around a corner and pulled up outside the surgery. ‘You ring the bell, I’ll lift him in.’
But the door opened as soon as we got out of the car.
‘Bring him straight in,’ Joe said. ‘Tell me what happened.’
I explained what little I knew, and then we stood around helplessly while he examined Pete, who seemed not to be in pain, at least.
‘Can I stroke him?’ I asked, torn apart by the way he was looking pleadingly at me.
‘Yes, of course. That would help actually; it’ll relax him knowing you’re here.’
I crouched down so that I was at eye level and talked to him and kissed him and stroked him as much as I could without getting in the vet’s way. After a few minutes I knew, from the way everything slowed down, that it wasn’t good news.
‘Lulu, I’m afraid Pete’s had a heart attack,’ he said quietly. ‘He’s deteriorated quite badly since yesterday.’ He looked at Mike then back at me. ‘Even if he pulls through, it’ll only be for a short time, I feel.’ He gave me a few seconds to digest the news.
I closed my eyes, and then I felt Mike beside me.
‘I’m very sorry, I don’t think it necessarily has anything to do with what happened the other night. He’d had some sort of attacks before, in my opinion. I think it’s just his time.’ He came over to me. ‘Lulu, this is a hard decision but I think the right thing to do for Pete would be to put him to sleep.’ He touched my arm. ‘Would you like me to give you a few minutes alone?’
I shook my head. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing we can do?’
‘He might rally slightly, but you’d be back here again before long, and in order to make him comfortable enough for you to take him home I’d have to keep him heavily sedated. He’d have no quality of life.’
‘And if we . . . do it, what will happen? Will it hurt him?’
‘No, I promise. He’ll simply fall asleep. He won’t know anything.’
I looked at Mike. ‘What do you think?’
‘Oh, Lulu, I’m so sorry.’ He gathered me into his chest and stroked my hair.
‘Do you think I should do it?’ I couldn’t even cry as I asked the awful question, hoping that someone would help me and knowing no one could.
‘I think we should be guided by Joe,’ Mike said. ‘I don’t think he’d be suggesting it if there was another option.’
‘Is there no other way?’ I begged the vet, but he shook his head.
‘Lulu’ – he took my hands in his – ‘the most honest thing I can tell you is that, if he were my dog, I’d be doing it for him,’ he said softly.
‘OK.’ I couldn’t believe that with one word I had given permission to kill my constant companion, the one source of unconditional love in my life. ‘This will be the second time a dog I love has died in my arms,’ I told both men, and suddenly I was young again and the feelings of horror and helplessness came flooding back.
Mike kept me close to him. ‘I know, but just try and hold on to the fact that you’re the best thing that ever happened to Pete,’ he whispered. ‘And I think you’re doing what’s right for him, instead of what you want.’
‘Would you like to stroke him while I give him a sedative?’ the vet asked.
‘This won’t . . . this isn’t it?’ I panicked.
‘No, just to make him drowsy and ease his discomfort.’ Mike led me over to where Pete lay, still gazing up at me adoringly.
‘I love you, Pete, you’ve been the best friend in the world to me and I’m so sorry that there isn’t another way.’ I could feel the tears at the back of my throat.
‘Hold on, if you can.’ Mike had both arms around me. ‘Be strong for him for just a bit longer,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t let him see you upset, if you can manage it.’
‘It’ll take a few minutes to take effect.’ Pete didn’t even flinch as the needle was inserted. ‘Good boy.’ Joe patted his head. ‘Now, can I get you two a coffee or tea?’ I knew he was just trying to keep me occupied. I shook my head, afraid I’d throw up if I had to swallow anything.
‘Will we share a cup of tea?’ Mike asked. ‘You’re cold and shaking, and I think it would help.’
‘OK.’ I thanked Joe, and
he nodded and went off quietly.
‘Oh Pete, what am I going to do without you?’ I looked into his eyes. ‘How will I ever get on my bike again without you sitting in the front, laughing at me and ready for whatever adventure came your way, eh?
‘I love him so much,’ I told Mike as I stroked Pete’s warm back.
‘I know you do.’ Mike rubbed my back and then let me whisper sweet nothings into Pete’s ears as I kissed and cuddled him and watched him getting sleepy.
Joe came back with a tray of tea, and Mike made me have a few sips. I was grateful for the warmth that spread down my throat.
‘I think it’s time, if you’re ready,’ Joe said with his back to me. All I could see was the needle he was holding.
‘Are you certain this is the only way?’ I was sure everyone could hear my heart cracking wide open.
‘Believe me, I wouldn’t be advising it except that I know it’s the best thing we can do for Pete.’ He looked sad.
‘OK, let me hold him, though.’ I climbed up on to the table and pulled Pete on to my lap, and Mike kept me steady while I held Pete and said, ‘Good boy,’ over and over, his favourite expression, because it generally meant a treat was coming. I said a quick thank you to God that he’d no idea that, this time, all that was coming was a lethal injection. The moment I saw the needle go in was the moment my heart broke. Pete knew none of this, thankfully, and he even gave a tiny little wag of his tail before he drifted off. All I know is that it was peaceful and he didn’t suffer, and as I kissed him I prayed that I’d never have to endure this particular torture again.
‘He’s gone,’ the vet said softly, and then he left and Mike let me cry, and I pounded his chest with my fists and wondered what I’d done to have been given so much pain to endure in such a short space of time.
Eventually we left, after Joe suggested we let him organize for Pete to be buried at a pet cemetery nearby. ‘You can have a plaque erected in his memory,’ he told us, and I agreed without really thinking. It didn’t seem to matter much now that he was dead.
