by Zoë Lane
Patience.
One virtue I had little of.
My therapist had told me I would need to be patient with myself as I allowed my brain to access my lost memories. I had snorted at that advice. I wasn’t blocking my brain from doing anything—at least, not on purpose.
I had my own issues to deal with, and now I had to pile on Landyn’s?
No. He has to handle his own shit. I’ll handle mine.
I could think of only one way we could do this and not rip each other apart.
Space.
I went to my room and grabbed a duffel bag, stuffing it full of clothes and other essential items. I stopped by the bathroom to get my toothbrush and feminine products and then left.
I walked across the hall and banged on the door.
23
SEAN
“Lace…this isn’t a good idea,” I said as Lacey marched right past me and into my home.
“Sure it is,” she said lightly. She tossed her duffel bag onto my sofa. Then she fell onto the sofa next to her bag and sighed, a happy smile on her face. She looked more relaxed than I’d seen her all week. “My brother and I need space. Lots of it.”
“Uh, I live right across the hall. It’s like less than ten feet.”
She laughed. “But I won’t be seeing him all the time.”
I sat across from her in a leather chair. “How often are you seeing him anyway? With you both working and—”
“Therapy, nights, sometimes he drives me to HQ, especially if we have therapy that night.” She ticked off her fingers. “It’s enough, trust me.”
“Well, he’s only going to come here looking for you, you know that. And then he’s going to make practice a living hell for me. It’s already like that…” I stared down at my bare feet.
Today’s practice hadn’t been as bad as I’d thought. Coach Hicks had left us little downtime to talk. Afterwards, we had all been too exhausted to say anything anyway.
“I was going to go stay with my grandmother. Figured it’d be easier.”
Lacey’s face came into view. Her blue eyes shone up at me, her mouth curving downward. “I’m so sorry, Sean. I… the only thing I can think of is Landyn’s blaming himself for what happened to me.”
I nodded. “He told me about your father—”
“He doesn’t know everything,” she said quickly. “He only thinks he knows. I haven’t said.”
He didn’t actually know? My blood ran hot, and I started to rise from my seat, ready to go over there and make good on my promise to myself to destroy his face, but I settled back down. Lacey’s worried expression filled my vision. She needed me, not Landyn. Landyn might want a lot of things, but they ranked pretty low on the importance scale to his sister.
I pulled her into my lap. She instantly grinned, licked her lips and leaned in, but I pulled back. “Lacey…”
Her face instantly darkened, and she tried to stand, but I held firm. “Lacey, listen to me. I want to talk about something.”
“What?” she asked in annoyingly.
“You just told me something…well, you hinted at something terrible in your past. Tell me about it. Please? Let me understand you. Know you.”
Her eyes searched mine for a long time. I’d really never stared so long into her eyes before, or maybe I would’ve seen how well she was able to hide her emotions. That day on the steps had been a fluke; maybe because she had been alone.
“You don’t need sex to cover the pain,” I whispered.
She smirked. “Oh, okay. I need to talk, is that it?”
“Maybe talk to someone who cares. Someone who wants to know. Someone who’s job isn’t to listen and comment.”
A flicker of emotion crossed her eyes, and then moisture. She looked away for another long moment. With a resigned sigh, she told me that her memories weren’t actually of Carter forcing himself on her, but of him making her touch him. Landyn had been around to stop it the few times she remembered it happening. But Landyn had never walked in on the act; he’d always been afraid Carter was beating her up.
“He thinks you were raped,” I said softly.
“I admit, I let him think that.”
“Why?”
She shrugged. Tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’m just so…angry all the time now. Probably doesn’t look like it. I feel like I have no control. Feelings make me vulnerable and…”
With a finger, I dammed the flow of tears on her cheek, then wiped her other cheek. “Like you have no control.”
“Yeah. I hate it.”
“Kind of like what Landyn did. I don’t have any control over what’ll happen now.”
She groaned and put her head on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry about that. Rose thinks he blames himself for not being able to protect me.”
“So he’s lashing out at me.”
“But you’re the wrong person. You’re not hurting me.”
I sighed heavily and ran a hand over my short hair. “Maybe…maybe he’s right.”
Her head came up quickly. “What?”
I looked at her through sad eyes. “You are vulnerable. I’m taking advantage by…starting something with you that you might not be ready for.”
“Would you please give me some credit? You, of all people, I would expect to have my back on this.”
“I do have your back—”
“No, you really don’t. Not if you believe that.” She shoved my arms away and stood. She walked away and then faced me. “I don’t want to be treated like I can’t think for myself. I screwed up in school—I’ll give you that. And…” Her mouth slanted down to one side, and she nodded. “And that time at the club, but I am improving. Memories are coming back. I trusted you with the truth, didn’t I?”
I nodded.
“Fine. I don’t want to be labeled.”
“I’m not labeling you as anything.”
She put her head back and groaned and raked her fingers through her loose black hair. “My therapist thinks I might be schizophrenic.”
She waited for a response, but I didn’t have one. Didn’t they hear voices? Weren’t they paranoid?
She cocked her head to one side. “Because I lack a lot of emotion and prefer to be alone. Not everybody hears voices if that’s what you were thinking.”
I looked away sheepishly.
She blew a lock of hair away from her eyes. “Except that one time, being in a club. Can’t explain that,” she muttered to herself.
“Aren’t people with that…disorder…don’t they hurt other people?”
She came back to my lap and kissed me on the cheek. She looked me straight in the eyes. “The only person I want to hurt is Carter.” Her eyes went to the ceiling as she thought. “And sometimes Landyn, but for totally different reasons.”
I grinned and squeezed her. “I’m not afraid of you.”
“Good, because if you did…that would hurt.” Tears welled in her eyes. “Now I’m going to cry again.”
I gently cradled her head to my chest and held her. “Cry all you want,” I whispered into her ear, stroking her soft hair. “You’re safe.”
She wrapped her arms around me. “I know,” she whispered.
I held her tightly, wondering how she got up every day facing life. A father who’d abused her, a brother who wouldn’t give her space, her own memories tormenting her—or lack of them. Now she had her own therapist diagnosing her as schizo?
I didn’t see her as lacking. She was a woman of strength and determination. I didn’t know any women who would be able to still function after what she’d been through.
“I got your texts about your mom. I’m sorry.”
“All I can do is wait for the police to find something…anything.”
“What do you think happened?”
“I think she didn’t abandon us.”
“Good. Hold on to that.” It might not be enough, but it was something to know at least one of your parents wanted you. “My mother never wanted us. We were a burden, and she
ran. She ran to anything else just to not be our mother.” My chest burned, and I coughed.
Not sure if she could feel the heat, but she rubbed my chest slowly, in large circles. “But you weren’t alone, were you? You still have your grandmother,” she reminded me.
I did.
Maybe not for long.
24
LANDYN
I knew she had run to him. To Sean.
The only reason why I didn’t bang on his door in the middle of the night was because of Rose. She spent the next hour telling me how wrong I was for falsely accusing Sean of rape. After so many men were being accused—and many rightly so—she thought I’d have more loyalty to my own sex.
Careers ruined. Lives destroyed. People committing suicide over the lack of support for their innocence.
My accusation belittled the real victims.
I’d felt bad. Puke-level bad.
And even worse that my sister had chosen Sean over me. She kept the whole truth from me about what our father had done to her, but I knew she had told, or would tell, Sean.
He was just so damn likable. To everyone. Even Cas told me I was being a colossal asshole.
And now I had to pay for it. Maybe a fine, a suspension, or worse: a public apology to Sean.
I groaned.
“You should be groaning,” Coach Hicks said from beside me.
We sat in front of the GM’s desk, waiting for her to return from a meeting. I cast a quick glance at Coach Hicks. Redder than usual, but his voice steely calm.
“What you did…” He shook his head. “One of the most immature things I’ve ever had a player I’ve coached do,” he said quietly.
My stomach churned at the sound of the heavy level of disappointment in his voice. “I know.”
“No, Landyn, I don’t think you do. You haven’t learned how not to take things for granted, despite your upbringing, which I can’t understand.”
Once I had signed that contract, it was like letting poor-Landyn go and saying hello to rich-Landyn. I never wanted to not have shoes that didn't fit, or remember how many jobs I worked to make sure Lacey could buy school supplies for the new school year.
Coach Hicks leveled his worried gaze on my face. “You’ve got to get help, Landyn, if that’s what’s needed, because I stuck my neck out for you on this one, and the GM nearly severed my head. She did not appreciate hearing about this accusation.”
“You should be benched for Kyle, at the very least. Or removed from the team entirely,” came her firm voice from behind us.
I didn’t dare turn around.
She came around her desk and sat down. “Landyn Gallagher, that stunt you pulled…”
I dropped my gaze.
“Intentionally trying to ruin a man’s life. For what? For liking your sister? A woman who needs friends who are of good moral character? Certainly far better than her brother has.”
Ouch. “I deserved that,” I croaked out.
“Oh, I know you do,” the GM chuckled viciously. “That and a lot more. Which is why I’m benching you for the next three games.”
I sucked in a breath. Three games? Coach Hicks frowned. Guess he was hearing this for the first time.
“And before you ask me what the commentators will say, I couldn't care less. In fact, I just might have Rose issue a statement about your conduct and how we are managing it. You'll be an example to other teams out there.”
My stomach had had enough. It dropped. Probably calcified. To have Rose say those things would embarrass her beyond belief. She’d never speak to me again and I would absolutely deserve it.
“Your conduct—your lies—are unpardonable.” She exhaled heavily. “But we here are a family—of tough love. And we’re not above giving second and sometimes third chances if we believe growth is possible.”
“Thank you,” I whispered hoarsely.
“You’ll issue a public apology to Sean in front of the team.”
My worst nightmare.
“Coach Hicks will put Kyle in as starting QB, and—look at me.”
My eyes snapped up.
She pointed a sharply manicured nail at me. “You better pray he doesn’t choke and we maintain our record and position in the division, or so help me I will bury you.”
She didn’t yell. No, her voice had dropped to so low a level the hairs everywhere stood on end. “Yes, ma’am,” I whispered back.
“Coach Hicks, if we don’t win the next three games, I’m going to hold you—along with Landyn—personally responsible.”
“I expect nothing less, ma’am.”
“Do you know what that means, Landyn?” she asked in a slightly sweet voice that could lure one into a false sense of security.
“No, ma’am.”
“It means he’ll be on the chopping block, that’s what it means.”
A quake raged in me, and my head shook. I looked at Coach Hicks. He sat as still as possible, his facial expression unreadable. Damn. To be that cool.
“I want you both out of here.”
She dismissed us with a wave of her hand.
“Coach Hicks,” I called after him on our way out. He stopped but didn’t face me. “Sir, I don’t…I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry.”
“How about not saying anything for the rest of the season?” he asked politely and kept walking.
25
SEAN
“Hi, Grandma!”
“Come on in, sweetie.” She looked Lacey up and down. “Who is this?”
Lacey turned pink.
“This is Lacey Gallagher, Grandma. She’s…she’s a friend.”
“Hi, Mrs. Miller.” Lacey stuck out her hand. “Sean has told me so much about you. All wonderful things.” She smiled.
Grandma’s eyes narrowed briefly, and she waved a dismissive hand. “Come on in here, child.” She snatched Lacey into a giant bear hug. “We are a hugging family. Handshakes are for the feds coming to take your house away.”
Lacey’s eyes were wide over my grandmother’s shoulders. I covered my snickering with a hand.
“Y’all made it just in time for some dinner. You hungry? Oh, I don’t need to ask you, Sean. This boy is always hungry.” Grandmother took in Lacey’s form again. “You, girl, are nothing but bone. We’re going to fatten you up tonight. Sean, you make sure she eats three rolls.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I grinned even harder.
Grandma leaned in close to Lacey. “They’re a secret family recipe. Butter rolls. Guaranteed to make your tummy happy.”
“And to put on the weight,” I whispered to Lacey after Grandma passed.
“I heard that!” Grandma said over her shoulder.
We entered an empty kitchen. “Where is everybody?” I asked.
“At their own homes, thank goodness,” Grandma said tartly.
My head snapped back. “Grandma…”
“I’m getting old now, and sometimes a woman just wants to be alone. Help me, Lacey.”
Lacey smiled and nodded. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Grandma gave her a knowing look. “I’m sure you do. I’ve seen you in the magazines and in the news. I bet you’re ready for some peace and quiet.”
“Grandma, you’re embarrassing her.”
“Oh, hush. We are all family here. If you can’t be yourself and say what you mean, who are you going to talk to?”
I sheepishly shrugged my shoulders at Lacey, who appeared not to be offended.
“Yeah. I really want people to let me figure things out. Quit telling me what I’m supposed to think and feel.”
Grandma pointed a pot holder at her. “Exactly. She knows what I’m talking about. Now you two sit down and get ready to enjoy this food.”
Even though she was only cooking for herself, she filled the table with food that could feed the whole football team.
After chewing the last bite of probably her third roll, Grandma wiped her mouth with a napkin. “I’m not going to pretend I don’t know why you’r
e here, Sean.”
“Grandma—”
“I already told you I’m not going anywhere.”
Lacey’s gaze volleyed between the two of us. I briefly explained about Malik, and my involvement with the FBI. Her mouth remained open as I tried to convince my grandmother. “Things are going to get complicated now.”
“How’s that?” Grandma asked.
“The feds are going to move on this quickly.”
“Tell them not to get it wrong,” she said simply.
My eyes went to the ceiling.
“Don’t you roll your eyes at me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You know I taught you better than that.”
“Yes, ma’am, you did.”
Grandma smiled at Lacey. “Got to train ’em when they’re young or you can’t control them when they’re old!” She laughed heartily and began choking.
Then I laughed heartily.
Lacey didn’t know where to look.
She gulped down water.
“I’m over here dying and you’re laughing your head off.”
I cleared my throat. “Grandma, it’ll only be for a few days,” I urged. “Just until after they get the ringleader and bring Malik in.”
“Sean, how long has this been going on?” Lacey asked astonished.
“Since that day you saw me talking to a guy in the parking lot. That was Malik. He came to the school where I assistant coach and asked me to consider it. I said no, and then he showed up at HQ.”
Lacey reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she whispered.
“I wasn’t supposed to, and…you’ve got a lot going on. You don’t need to worry about my stuff.”
“But I want to worry,” she said quietly. “At least it would get me thinking of someone else for a change.”
“What does he mean, child?” Grandma asked Lacey. “What stuff do you have going on?”
