“Stop,” I replied in a mocking tone, glad the conversation turned more lighthearted.
“I’m serious, you’re the most interesting part of my life. Look at my brother, he’s as boring as it gets. He works all day, eats a bunch of meat, then watches TV and falls asleep by nine pm most nights. That would be me. But not with you, oh no. We’re out paddle boarding on weeknights at ten pm. That’s insanity. Almost dangerous, really. Sleeping out under the moonlight, having dinner with my old neighbor Grandma Eve and her hot friends at the assisted living center…”
“You’re making fun of me,” I giggled, but he didn’t stop.
“Watching you shove chocolate cake in your face every time you see it, like it’s your last day on earth… It’s a magnificent sight. Then there’s also listening to you scream every time a bug lands on your face…”
“Oh come on, nobody likes bugs on their face,” I shot back, still laughing. “And chocolate cake is my weakness, I don’t even feel bad about that. Because you know what? Someday it will be my last day on earth, and if I get to eat chocolate cake first, it’ll be the best way to leave this place.”
“Well if cake is your weakness, what’s mine?” he asked curiously with animated brows, clearly already having his answer in mind. “What’s the one thing I just can’t get enough of? That thing I would do anything to get my hands on?”
I smiled back at him, watching him speak so vivaciously.
“I’ll give you a hint,” he continued, scooping me up off the barstool. He lifted me up over his shoulder, tickling my sides as he elevated me.
“What are you doing?” I questioned with a deep laugh.
He kicked off his flip flops while simultaneously throwing mine off in the sand, and within fifteen seconds, he was running us into the freezing lake water, still holding me draped over his shoulder. He lowered me into the water, kissing me passionately with an arm still securely around my waist. “You, Sophia Grace, are the best weakness I’ve ever had.” The water was ice cold, but I didn’t care. The sand was rough and gritty on my feet, but as we stood underneath the setting sun, it didn’t bother me. Everything I felt in his touch was all the warmth and comfort I needed.
“Why me?” I asked innocently. “Why is it that I get to be the girl you can’t get enough of?”
“Because you’re the bravest girl I know,” he said softly into my ear, brushing back the hair from my face. He looked squarely into my eyes. “Remember our first date? You told me when you were little, you wanted to be a lion tamer, remember? You’ve accomplished so much more than that and you don’t even realize it.” His stare was intense, and he spoke with such conviction. “Sadly, I wish I could ask you the same question – why it is that I get the be the guy taking up all of your nights, wrapped up with you under a sky that beforehand felt like a weight resting on top of me… I can’t imagine you’ve found a reason yet why I deserve you, but I hope to eventually be worthy of one.”
“Ask me,” I breathed into his ear.
“I can’t,” he replied quietly.
“Why not?”
“Because I still haven’t convinced myself that I’m enough for you, and I’m terrified of the day you’ll realize it.”
“Ask me,” I repeated firmly.
“Fine.” His voice wavered. “Why me?” He tilted his face back from mine, genuinely looking uncertain as to what I may say.
“Because someday when you realize just how capable you are of loving someone again, you’re going to ignite, and it’s going to be the most spectacular scene. I know you have all of these reservations and hesitations, but I’m telling you, there is a spark in you. I see it. And one day when you finally realize how worthy you are of being loved, it’s going to set fire to everything that’s ever tormented you. It’s all going to burn down and you will be left to love someone with the same fierceness you’ve fought this battle with, and in the end, that’s the real madness – letting go and loving someone with everything in your soul despite your perceived worth – and when you get to that point, I’ll still be here, knowing you would make it.”
Chapter 18
Lance and I finally separated after way too long of a goodbye, given he was just going to be gone for one overnight with his family. As I thought of my work obligations, my nerves were on fire, and I was so eager for this day to be over.
Austin and I spent the entire morning prepping the store and going over our business plan multiple times to streamline it as much as possible for the meeting. The buyer and CEO arrived to the store promptly at two, and despite my nerves, Austin and I pulled off a seamless presentation. After several hours in the store, detailing our business, showing them the workshop along with sketches of our future projects, we finally headed to dinner to work out the details. The meal was more relaxed than I expected, and ended with a signed six-figure contract to work together over the next two years. Austin and I definitely had our work cut out for us for awhile, and we needed to hire at least two more full-time employees, but we spent several hours after the meeting celebrating and hashing out our plan.
I called Olivia and Lexi to tell them my big news, and they agreed to head out for a celebratory drink. We met up at a local brewery for a quick cider beer.
“I’m so proud of you,” Olivia gushed as we met up at the bar.
“Now I forgive you for not returning my calls all afternoon,” Lexi chided playfully.
“I’m so sorry, I saw the missed calls but it was right in the middle of the meeting. You didn’t leave any messages or texts, what was it about?”
“I thought you’d want to see these,” Lexi stated, handing me some papers as we were seated at a small pub-height table in the middle of the bar.
I glanced through the papers. The address on them looked familiar. “Wait, are these…” I continued thumbing through the stack, making sure I was reading them right.
“The cabin Lance wants,” she explained, “he can buy it. All the red tape’s been sorted through. He just has to pay eleven years of back property taxes, and all of the fees of course, and he can purchase it.”
“Seriously? Is this legit?” My hands were shaking. I was too excited to form any coherent thoughts.
“I know you didn’t want to be too nosey, so I took some liberties with the snooping on your behalf,” she continued. “His credit score is actually pretty impressive for his age, and he has a sizeable down payment in one of his accounts. He could finance the rest and afford that place with enough left over for some renovations, assuming he’s going to do most of the work himself to cut costs.”
I still couldn’t believe it. “Really? So he can buy it? Are you sure?”
“Yes, if he still wants it,” she confirmed. “I thought you’d want to share the news with him.”
“I can’t believe this is happening.” I was in shock. This day was full of so much good news, I thought I was going to burst.
“Are you going to call him?” Olivia asked.
“I obviously want to, but I can’t do all this over the phone. I have to tell him in person, right? He’s never going to believe it,” I said excitedly. “He’ll be back tomorrow. I have to tell him face to face. He’s going to freak out.”
We continued chatting as we finished our drinks, and I was so full of joy. A few minutes later, two hands reached out from behind me, covering my eyes.
“Seth, get off of her,” Olivia shouted out to her brother. The hands dropped from my eyes and Seth stood next to me at the table, nodding to a couple guys who were entering the bar, signaling for them to join us. They nodded back at Seth, but paused to talk to another group of guys before heading over toward us.
“Why are you girls hanging out at my spot?” Seth teased Olivia. “Don’t you know how hard it is to get a table in here? Can I have yours? I’m meeting a couple buddies here tonight. You guys look almost finished.”
“Aren’t you cool enough to get your own table without having to rely on your older sister for everything?” Olivia shot ba
ck. Seth’s friends made their way to our table, and I recognized one of them immediately before Seth even said their names. He had an arm in a sling and too many fading bruises to count.
“This is Adam,” Seth began, pointing to a tall blonde guy who wasn’t injured, “and this is my buddy Nick.” The boy with the sling politely extended his good hand. “We go to school together up in Ann Arbor. You may have met them at my parents’ place on Memorial Day.”
“Man, don’t remind me of that night, dude,” Nick groaned. He turned his gaze back on me. “Wait, I saw you there. You were with him, weren’t you? Lance Rivers? That manipulative SOB…”
“Whoa, let’s stop the accusations,” Olivia chimed in defensively. “What do you care?”
“He’s the guy who beat the shit out of me after I left the party,” Nick scoffed. “Where is he?”
“Not in town,” I said firmly, trying to avoid any further issues. “Besides, whatever your issue is, it’s none of my business and has nothing to do with me, so leave me out of it.”
“Really? It has nothing to do with you?” Nick stared back at me with piercing eyes, waiting for an answer.
“Why would it?” I questioned, not sure what I was even arguing.
“You’re dating him, aren’t you?” he said in an accusatory voice.
“So?” I said squarely, crossing my arms. Lexi and Olivia just looked back and forth between us, unsure of what to say.
“Hot damn, you don’t know, do you,” he said with a sly smile. “You don’t even know what he did…”
Sadly I didn’t know. I had no idea what he knew, and that just pissed me off.
“I’m leaving,” I said sternly, grabbing my purse off the edge of my chair.
“You should care,” Nick continued, putting his body in between me and the front door so I wouldn’t leave. “If you knew what he did, you probably wouldn’t even be seeing him.”
“I’m sure whatever you have to say, it won’t change my opinion of Lance,” I said firmly. “So don’t even bother.”
“Sophia, you should know,” Seth interjected with a good amount of sympathy in his voice. “Olivia, she should know.” He turned to his sister, as if she was supposed to make me stay.
“You can have our stupid table,” Olivia shot back, standing up and grabbing her purse as well. “We’re leaving.”
“He killed my sister, Emily,” Nick said with a cracked voice. “He’s not the guy you think he is, Sophia. My sister is dead because of him. You shouldn’t get mixed up in all that.”
Lance killed Emily? That couldn’t be true. Everything I knew about him coursed through my brain, and I couldn’t possibly believe he was capable of something like that.
“I don’t believe you,” I replied confidently, already deciding to dismiss anything he had to say. “He wouldn’t do that. Whatever you think of him, he’s not that guy.”
“Oh yeah?” Nick shot back defensively, pointing to the sling on his arm. “What about this? And my cracked ribs? And my skull fracture from his angry unrelenting fists… His rage kept me in the hospital for three full days, Sophia. You probably think he didn’t do that too?”
“I’m not saying he didn’t beat the crap out of you,” I replied with a firm voice. “Maybe you deserved it, or maybe you didn’t. But I don’t believe for a second that he killed your sister.”
“Then what did he say happened?”
I stared back at him, trying to hide my frustration. The truth was, he hadn’t really told me anything about her. I didn’t even know she was dead. I wasn’t disputing that part of Nick’s statement – I imagined her passing was true for us to be here having this conversation. I could see the anguish on his face as he said her name. But to accuse Lance of it? I was certain he wasn’t the cause.
“What did he tell you about her?” Nick asked again, breaking up my thoughts.
“My conversations with Lance are none of your business,” I huffed, trying to end this confrontation. “I’m leaving.”
“Oh wait,” he continued. “This is good… He’s fooling you too, isn’t he? You don’t even know what he did? He never even told you about it?”
“This conversation is pointless. I don’t care what you have to say,” I declared, truly believing those words. Sure, it was true I didn’t know everything about Lance’s past, but it was also true that I didn’t care about the accusations. There was no way Lance did what Nick said. I was sure of it. The dog incident was a total accident, and it destroyed him. There was no way he could keep in something bigger. We were too close for that – or at least I believed we were.
“Don’t take my word for it, that would just be foolish,” Nick stated with an obnoxious, sarcastic tone. “Why not hear it straight from him?” He held a phone out, swiped the screen a few times, and within seconds it was ringing on speakerphone.
Lance answered after the third ring. “Why are you calling me, you piece of…”
“Funny story, I’m with your girlfriend right now,” Nick interjected, cutting him off. “We were just talking about you, and there seems to be a lot she doesn’t know about your past, which I find amusing…”
“Stop pissing me off, you’re nowhere near my girlfriend,” Lance seethed. “When I broke your collarbone, I thought you’d take that as a message to leave me alone and stop running your mouth.”
“Or what?” Nick egged him on. “Or you’re going to beat me up again? Or worse, you’re going to kill me? Like you killed my sister?”
“Don’t push me to find out,” Lance sneered, sounding infuriated. “If you ever so much as mention Sophia again, or go anywhere near her, I promise you’ll regret it.”
“Speak up, Sophia,” Nick said, gesturing toward the phone with his elbow in the sling. “Maybe he’ll admit to what he did if he knows you’re really here.”
I froze, unsure what to do or say.
“I swear, if I find out you talked to her…” Lance began.
“I’m here Lance,” I added quickly, trying to smooth things over before everything got out of hand. “He’s just trying to start something. I don’t believe what he’s saying.”
“Why are you even with him?” Lance responded in an agitated tone.
“I was out with Lexi and Olivia having a drink, and her brother came in,” I explained, trying to clear the air that I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. “Nick was with him and he recognized me from Olivia’s party.”
“What did he tell you?” Lance demanded.
“N-nothing,” I stammered. “I don’t believe anything he’s saying. He’s just trying to cause trouble.”
There was silence on the other end.
“Lance, I don’t believe him,” I said again. “I’m leaving now, I’ll call you from my own phone.” I reached out and hit the end button on Nick’s phone, shoving his injured arm in the process. The gesture wasn’t an accident. “You’re an asshole,” I huffed, brushing past him.
“Seth, I swear, if you ever bring this guy around Grand Harbor again, I’m getting Dad involved,” Olivia said through gritted teeth, pushing her brother’s chest. Lexi stood up and the three of us walked quickly out of the pub.
“What was all that about?” Lexi asked frantically as we walked toward the parking lot.
“I don’t know where my brother finds his loser friends on campus,” Olivia added in a frustrated tone. “Is that really the guy Lance beat up? Seth went back down to Ann Arbor the next day, so I never heard about it. What happened?”
Olivia and Lexi were both staring at me for answers. “I don’t know what all that was about,” I said with a heavy sigh.
“Lance’s ex is dead?” Lexi questioned. “Dammit, I knew I should’ve Googled her when you came into the bank. Is she really dead?” We stood next to our cars and I was at a loss for words.
“He never told me that part,” I replied quietly, unsure what else to add. “I know his past bothers him, so we don’t really talk about it.”
“That doesn’t seem norma
l, Soph,” Lexi replied sympathetically.
“I know, but he’s not normal.” I sighed. “I hate that word, what does that even mean? Nobody is normal, everyone is all screwed up in some way. Look at me, I’m a mess. My mom couldn’t fight her own battles, and I couldn’t help her. I can’t help Grandma Eve, and I can’t help Lance…” Moisture began to collect in the corner of my eyes. “He’s not normal, and I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Does he talk to anyone about it? About what he went through?” Olivia questioned.
“No, not really,” I replied honestly. “Just a couple doctors I think, but he mentioned recently that he’s open to seeing a psychotherapist. So that’s something. I feel like he’s at least trying to work through it.” I leaned against my car door. “All I really know is that he went through a lot before he even moved here. It was a toxic relationship, and he was also in a car accident so they think he may have sustained a head injury at that time, and it’s all just come together in a horrible way, I don’t know. He has all these nightmares and flashbacks and all this pent up anxiety inside of him. The doctors say it’s a form of PTSD. His brain doesn’t match with his emotions, and it just…it torments him. It’s like in his mind he thinks he has control over it, but then he goes through these moments – ‘episodes’ as his brother calls them, and he has no control at all.”
“What makes it better?” Lexi asked with concern in her voice.
“Talking about it, which he never does,” I said quietly with a shrug. “And time. That’s the big one, time. But I don’t know what that means. Sometimes it feels like I’m waiting for a train that isn’t coming. It reminds me of Grandma Eve,” my voice cracked and tears slid down my eyes. I hated the connection, but I couldn’t ignore it. I hated how completely powerless I felt over both things. “When I’m with her, all I see is her kindness and empathy and I think of all the memories I have of her from my youth – how well she took care of me, and how I could feel her love every time she hugged me. When I see her now, I still see all of that in her, but she doesn’t see it in herself, so it fades a little bit with every new day.”
The Weight of Madness Page 16
