by Leanne Davis
Tara’s mouth popped open. She erroneously believed Ryder had been born and raised there. The way he talked about the town, and how the town spoke about him, she was amazed to realize Ebony was the hometown girl. Ryder came there and stayed in the town for her. He told anecdotes about the café business and having Wyatt. Everyone sobbed when his voice suddenly hitched and he bent forward, pausing before discussing her absence in his life. He said how much he missed her. Tara didn’t care that he missed another woman. Ebony was his wife. His true love. Tara’s heart broke because she loved Ryder and could not bear to see his grief. It was so much more than his need to cry. She saw a visceral pain. It went much further than Tara’s hurt feelings when he didn’t want to hang out with her. He forgot her presence at times. She nearly sunk in her seat with shame, she was so mortified by her own selfishness in this. She didn’t know Ebony. And never saw Ryder with her. But she did believe their love was deep and genuine, and so was Ryder’s pain.
She just didn’t know that before.
She knew it now.
After a few more songs and prayers and plenty of tears, it finally ended. The tears were everywhere. Petra. Tiana. Dok. Chet sat beside his mother, and his face was solemn and blank. No one ever knew what Chet really thought or felt. He didn’t express himself, not in words or facial expressions. He was always poker-faced. Dozens of patrons from the café were all there to pay their respects and most were crying. Or at a minimum, tears filled their eyelids. Even Tara cried.
She remained seated, hiding all huddled in the corner. She let the rest of the people shuffle out before her. It was finally over. There was a reception planned, not there, but at Ryder’s house. She had no idea what to do next. Should she go? Hide? What?
With her face looking down, Tara stared at her feet and most of the attendees ignored her. The place soon emptied until only the family remained. She saw Ebony’s parents exit with Chloe. She turned to the side, hoping they wouldn’t notice her. She intended to leave but only after everyone else to avoid any awkwardness. She wondered still if it were appropriate for her to go there.
She glanced to the side, and shit! There was Ryder. His gaze landed on her. She nearly leapt to her feet and ran, cringing inwardly. His face remained a blank, silent mask. Holding Wyatt’s hand tightly in his, Ryder leaned down and whispered in his ear. Wyatt responded by giving his hand to his grandmother and saying something. She nodded, taking Wyatt with her before Ryder veered off and began to approach her.
A deep blush crept up Tara’s neck and chin and cheeks. She wished she could vanish from the embarrassment and regret she felt after drawing him from his son and family at the funeral. She licked her lips, preparing for the worse. Would he order her out of there? Perhaps just speak rudely to her? It was hard for her to imagine that coming from Ryder Kincaid. But under these circumstances, who knew how pressed he’d feel to get her away from there?
When she finally couldn’t take it any longer, she jumped to her feet. Her gaze clung onto his. He swooped in closer as she shook her head over and over, saying, “I’m sorry. I just…”
What? Decided to crash your wife’s funeral? Had to hear the details of how you felt about Ebony for me to realize how little you feel for me? Because I am selfish and small and insecure? What could she say?
He stopped dead in his tracks. His gaze was totally flat as it encompassed her.
He didn’t say a word but leaned forward and took her hand. Pulling it gently, he passed by her and began dragging her behind him. She stumbled and had to scramble in order to get her footing but she went right behind him as he exited through a side door. They were all alone in the side room of the church.
He turned to her and her heart hurt. He would probably yell at her now. Tell her he hated her. And break up with her.
But no… He suddenly stepped forward, right into her personal space, backing her up until she bumped into the closed door. He wrapped his arms around her. Scooping under her armpits, his thick, muscled arms crossed behind her back. He pulled her up onto her tiptoes and clung to her. She was nothing less than stunned. Her hands were still up in the air as if she were under arrest. He buried his head in her neck. She slowly lowered her hands to his shoulders, completely thrilled to find herself in his embrace. Clinging to her, he moved his head and seemed to suck in a deep breath.
She turned and pulled his head towards her, wrapping her arms around him and tucking his head against her like a young child might do with their mother. He gripped her tightly.
His hands squeezed her skin. His fingertips were hard and demanding… but mostly, he seemed needy. His breathing sounded heavy against her. She clutched him in response but found him urgently pressing her against him in a desperate manner. She had no idea what that meant or where they were headed. For some unprecedented and unforeseen reason, he needed her now. Here and now.
He lifted his face off her shoulder and gazed into her eyes. Then he stared at her forehead and scanned her face. She bit her lip, wondering what his thoughts were. His head tilted as his mouth came closer and barely grazed hers. She closed her eyes at the soft, almost whisper-like touch. Shifting forward, he took her in his arms again and embraced her before his mouth came down much harder on hers.
The kiss was insistent, demanding, and needy. It was unlike any other kiss from Ryder. There was no gentle teasing and no tenderness in his hold or his gaze. His concern was not towards her. This was all about what he wanted, what he needed from her. She opened her mouth and tried to give all of herself to him. Whatever it was, she wanted him to have it. Whether for comfort or simply distraction or more. She didn’t care. She’d give him whatever she had to help him. She loved him that much.
He hadn’t really talked to her in more than a week. Not since the discovery of Ebony. Tara couldn’t predict his thoughts or feelings about her place in all of this. She hadn’t a clue concerning his point of view in all that happened. He could simply release her and tell her to leave and never return.
But instead, his mouth was crushing hers as his tongue delved deeper. Holding her jaw with his hands, he tilted her head the way he wanted it and hovered, all hot and hard over her. She had no idea what kind of a room they were in, only that it was small and windowless and the door was locked.
His body blocked hers against the door. She felt him pressing her harder as his hands trailed down to the back of the skirt she wore. He pulled on it until it bunched up in his hand and then, he put his hand under her skirt. Startled by his boldness, she jerked her neck back, ending the kiss.
He stared at her and dropped the material in his hands. Pressing his forehead on hers, his heavy breathing nearly left him gasping for breath. He shook. She lifted her hands up to his face and she held it. “Make love to me, Ryder. Here. Now.”
His eyes widened and he jerked his head away from hers. With nostrils flaring and his eyes sparkling, he knew it was wrong. Totally wrong. But that’s what he needed from her. She was convinced of it. She could give him that. It didn’t matter. She could easily let him do that.
His hand snatched her underwear and he pulled and tugged at it. She was sure he’d have ripped them clean off, but her panties didn’t tear. He finally pushed them down her legs and waited for her to step out of them. Gripping his belt, she undid it along with the button of his dress trousers. She pushed his button-down shirt out of the way and tugged him out of his underwear.
His hands gripped her breasts through her top and pinched her nipples. She cried out and he lifted her hip with one hand and pushed her against the door. He shoved inside her hard and deep. She had to grip his shoulders for purchase. He didn’t wait for her. Over and over, he rammed and jerked and rode her. There was nothing soft or tender about it. It was fast, crazy, and incessant. His hips thrust like pistons and her body was slick and smooth for him. All of a sudden… her eyes closed and her entire body heated up, swirling with colors until nothing mattered. Everything else was lost to her. Thoughts. Feelings. Place. Reality. She suddenly
began to shake, starting from her core and ending in all her nerve endings. Something hot and wonderful jolted through her, like her blood was burning on fire.
She finally had an orgasm. Holy shit. She’d had sex and reached an orgasm from it. He did too then. Hard and punishing, his body filled her up as he grasped her hips and kept her next to him. Her arms circled his back and she clung to him. Gasping as her high started to descend, his shoulders slumped and he leaned his head down on hers. She knew then, as both of their highs disappeared, he was ashamed and horrified over what they’d done and where they chose to do it.
“What? Shit. What was this?” he muttered and she sighed. No. Things were not going well with them. But this? Somehow felt right. It was exactly what he needed. Who knew?
She took in a deep breath and tilted her face back until she could stare into his eyes. She lifted a hand and pushed away his unruly hair that sprang over his forehead. It was a tender, sweet gesture, and quite the opposite of what they’d just done. “Sometimes, sex reaffirms life.”
His hands came up and gripped her wrists before he pulled her arms from around his neck. “Or reaffirms someone’s claim.”
She shut her eyes for a moment in horror. Did he believe she’d essentially pissed on him to claim him as hers? And not Ebony’s? That would be crazy… insecure… delusional…
Did she?
“Make love to me, Ryder. Here. Now.” Her eyes flashed open when he copied her. But he was much more exaggerated. “Since when do you ask for that? Since when do you talk like that?”
“Since…” She hesitated. But there they were. There was nothing more left to lose. Her pride included. “Since I wanted to make you feel better. Since I watched and listened to you describe your love for another woman. And since I had to learn, listen and most of all, understand how you still felt about her. And since I realized I love you and since it’s okay with me if you love her like that. I can love you enough for both of us. For right now. You can go through whatever you have to go through.”
He didn’t answer her and his mouth stayed closed but he was frowning. His eyeballs kept darting around. Finally, he asked, “What are you doing in here with me?”
“What are you doing? You didn’t have to come over and get me.” She sighed and his expression dimmed. “Because you needed me. You saw me and you needed me, Ryder, that’s what happened whether you choose to admit it or not. You just feel guilty about it.”
His eyes closed. Their bodies were still bare. She leaned forward and grabbed her panties, sliding them back on where they belonged. He turned and adjusted his pants, tucking his shirt back in and putting on his blazer before he reknotted his errant tie.
“I have to go now. The reception…”
“I know. It’s at your house.”
He nodded. His gaze flicked over to hers and then away. She’d never seen him acting so unsure with her. He must have been unsure about her too, she believed. It was always the other way around. He cleared his throat. “Come over. After…” His hand was on the doorknob. “Please?”
He didn’t know what to do with her now. Yet he wanted her badly. Her heart lifted and sank in the span of two seconds. His guilt made him act so oddly distant, yet their connection, and his feelings for her, kept him wanting and needing her.
She reached out and touched his hand. “Yes.”
Then he shook his head. “How? How are you going to get there? Walk?” He sighed. “Just come. Now. Come with me and Wyatt. This is so stupid. People already knew we were… together. And whatever. I don’t know the damn protocol.”
Were together? It made her entire insides clench with worry. On the other hand, was he now saying Fuck it? As in, just come with me now, and we’ll ignore everyone?
“I’ll get a ride from Petra. Okay?”
His shoulders eased just a bit and he turned and left the room. She wilted against the wall. What had she done? Why? Here at the church! Right after Ryder had just spoken so lovingly and displayed so much grief about his wife. And yet… they engaged in this? Worst of all, it didn’t feel wrong. Not to say she wouldn’t have died if anyone knew or suspected. She would have. She’d have been so far beyond ashamed and horrified if anyone knew. But he needed her. And in many ways, she responded to that. She didn’t regret for a second how she had expressed her love for him. And whatever his feelings were for her, he wasn’t over her, not yet.
She exited the room, peeking around, but not a soul was visible. She quickly entered the lobby. Most people were chatting in small groups. She spotted Petra and scooted over to her. “Could I get a ride with you? Over to the reception?”
Petra turned and embraced her with a wide, motherly hug. “Of course you can, sweetie. This must be very hard on you too,” she said gently. Tara was pleasantly surprised by the protective concern in Petra’s voice and her hug… How dear it felt to be noticed by another human. Petra knew she was upset and Tara was grateful that someone cared.
She nodded. “It is.” Her tone was quiet and subdued.
Petra patted Tara’s hand. “Give the boy some time. He’ll come around. He’s just confused. He doesn’t know what to do after this.”
She smiled and nodded. Tara let the older woman press her against her ample bosom and hug her. It was the kindest gesture directed toward Tara in a long time. Oddly enough, it helped. Especially after feeling so alone during the funeral and then so odd afterwards. Sure, she was needed by Ryder, but also resented for creating that need.
“Why didn’t you come and sit with us? I saw you slip in back there and sit down all alone.”
She shrugged, pulling away from Petra. “I don’t know. I mean…”
Tiana frowned. “You’re one of us now, Tara. You can quit keeping yourself so off and all alone. We get it. Chloe is hurting. But so are you. Don’t think we’ll let her fire you. It’s not your fault.”
Petra clucked her tongue in disapproval. “Tiana! No one said anything about anyone leaving the café.”
Dok grinned. She hugged Tara too. “It’s true. You no longer sit all alone and pathetic. You come find your friends. Us. Right?”
Tara’s eyes refilled with tears. She had friends. And she hadn’t even known it.
Chapter Fifteen
PETRA DROVE THEM ALL in her mini-van, including Tara, to Ryder’s. Tara stayed with the others when they first entered. The house where she had essentially been living during the last few months now felt cold and strange being full of strangers. And that was hard. The space she had considered almost… well, not hers, but certainly a comfortable, safe space for her, now felt foreign.
She stayed close to the café crew and tried to avoid Chloe and her parents by retreating into the background. Twice she and Ryder made eye contact. He stared at her long and deep but remained unsmiling. A couple of well-wishers came by to offer their sympathy and he turned away and gave them his full attention. He hugged people, accepting their kind words and gracefully taking it all in. He patted their backs and squeezed their hands. Tara remained at the back and in the corners. She didn’t eat, but only drank small sips of punch.
She ducked into the laundry room and stopped dead when she found Wyatt there. He was curled up in a little ball on the floor, with his back against the wall. Dry-eyed, he was just staring down at his feet.
She glanced around, unsure of what to do. Did she dare approach and comfort him on the same day he buried his mother? Especially when she was trying so desperately to date his father? But then again, they had a good rapport, she and Wyatt. They were good friends.
He heard her shoes on the linoleum and looked up. His face didn’t break into smile. She dropped down next to him and sat just as he was sitting, with her legs drawn up tightly to her chest.
“This is hard, huh?”
“I don’t remember her. I don’t… I just can’t.”
His voice cracked and guilt laced his tone. She turned towards him. “Oh, Wyatt. No. You were way too young. It’s okay not to remember her. You haven�
�t done anything wrong.”
“But… Nana and Papa are so sad and they keep expecting me to be sad… but...” He dropped his eyes shamefully. “I’m not.” He whispered it as if it were his dirty secret. Her heart cracked. She grabbed him and pulled him closer to her.
“You don’t have to be sad. You don’t have to feel anything but what you truly feel. It’s not your responsibility. Okay? To remember somebody that you can’t. Or to feel things that you can’t. No one will get mad at you for not doing that.”
“What the hell are you saying?”
Tara jerked upright and found Chloe standing behind them. She must have heard them. She was glaring daggers at Tara and then at Wyatt. “Telling my nephew not to remember and grieve for his own mother? What the hell is wrong with you?” Chloe yelled. Her voice ripped through the house. Tara’s mortification was instantaneous and her entire body flushed in heat. She jumped to her feet, leaning her back against the wall.
“Chloe! I—I’m not. He’s just upset and unclear of how he should feel. He’s confused because he can’t remember her.” Tara’s voice was weak in volume and meek in tone. She doubted that Chloe had even heard her. Chloe’s anger rose high in her cheeks and she began shaking her head. She held her hand out towards Wyatt.
“Come here, Wyatt. Now.”
His face crumpled up in confusion as he stared at Chloe’s outstretched hand. He lifted his gaze to Tara, clearly puzzled and terrified to act. His uncertainty was nearly palpable to Tara. The kid liked her and saw Tara as his friend. But Chloe was his aunt.
“Chloe, he doesn’t want to, not right now.” Tara spoke up on Wyatt’s behalf, never her own.
