by P. S. Power
“Karen? Um, not to be a pain, but can you tell me about Becky?” He hoped that would be both interesting enough and non-committal at the same time. He could play off “Becky” as him having misheard something if the girl had never existed. Of course he'd have to report seeing the girl in his head to psych either way, which could have him locked up no matter what, but having some indication that it might not be all him would be good. He'd probably know in a second or two. Really he just hoped that Karen wasn't going for a gun while he waited to chat with her.
That... would be fair, given their last meeting, wouldn't it?
The door opened a crack, a single green eye peering out at him, looking scared. The face around it looked bad, no make-up, and lacking in normal color. What bit of red hair he could see looked like it hadn't been washed or even brushed since the last time they'd met. She didn't seem to be covered in bruises at least, making the whole thing easier for him. Seeing her damaged from what he'd done would be... too much for him to take easily. Brian smiled tentatively, hoping he wasn't about to be blasted by unending streams of blue light and compassion.
Becky looked through the crack of door. “She looks like crap... Ask her if she still has the green and black family album. It should have pictures in it...”
Brian took a deep breath and spoke the words, asking softly, trying not to scare her off. She didn't look too steady, what bit of her he saw. She opened the door more fully.
“Brian? You want to see my family photo's? Um... I guess... I...” She opened the door all the way and started shaking, trembling really, that started in her hands, small and pale, the skin smooth and unwrinkled still, that somehow looked old. Tired. When the door opened all the way, she stood in front of him, hugging herself, arms just under her breasts, body turning away. She wore a light pink bathrobe and some kind of flannel pajama bottoms, her feet bare. She looked bad, like a druggie that hadn't gotten a fix in a long time or a person that needed to book a stay in a mental institution so that they could “rest”.
Stepping into the room, he carefully closed the door behind him, not wanting to share his hallucinations with everyone walking down the hall if possible. Not yet. The woman held her ground, but looked down, defeat in her eyes, like she expected him to hurt her, or at least yell at her. Tears started to run down her cheeks leaving damp tracks that glistened in the warm yellow light from the single lamp she had lit. There were no windows of course, so the lamp, a very nice antique looking thing, with a brass base and real wood bulb cover, one that looked hand carved, didn't do a lot to make things seem cheery.
“Right. First things first I guess...” Holding his arms out slowly he smiled at her, hoping he wasn't about to be hit by her ability, since his brain probably couldn't take much of that right now. After a few seconds she moved toward him and wrapped her arms around him hard.
“God,” she gasped out, her head buried in his chest, her breath choppy, little sobs making her voice sound shaky and weak. “I never meant to hurt you! I just...”
He patted her back softly, the image of Dharma walking around her, watching the scene unfold. The ghost image in his head asked him to get her talking about the girl she might have been, eager to get at the truth. Brian just held her for a while and let her cry until she didn't want to any more, which took nearly two hours. He got up and found her some toilet paper to wipe her eyes with, the boxes of tissue having all been used up, waste baskets all overflowing with the wadded remains. She'd taken to using the rolls for this herself, he saw. A little low rent considering how nice the decor was, but who was he to judge? He'd just spent a week using leaves for things that he'd kind of blocked out. It worked, and so did this. Good enough, Brian noted as he held on to the small, trembling lady.
Not that she was all that small, but she felt tiny to him. Like a little girl. One he had to protect. One he'd hurt. It was a horrible feeling when he thought about it.
Finally she started talking again, bored with doing nothing or maybe just wanting Brian to leave soon. She didn't sound happy about the topic at all.
“Becky... I guess it would make sense for you to put that together. Yeah, my sister... she... died. It was my fault. If I would have tried harder, sooner, I could have saved her. She wasn't happy... Infected, but not like me, dark and moody, kind of depressed all the time.” A wracking, shuddering breath came and she told him about her sister, all of which basically confirmed what the image had told him herself. Everything but a few matters of opinion.
Dharma loudly denied that Karen had killed her, which Karen believed on a very deep level. Karen talked about how smart the girl was, which Becky downplayed herself, telling him that she was a lot smarter now, living in his head, than she'd ever been in her own. She tried to hold her sister, and the effect looked right, but Karen didn't feel anything, so Brian did the holding for Becky so that she could feel it too.
“So, when I saw you in medical, and there were those police... I didn't know the whole story, I just saw you fighting and figured you'd lost it. I mean, that happens here. People are fine one day, then their first mode gets triggered somehow and they go over an edge... I hit you and... you didn't stop. Everyone stops when I do that, that much love and compassion, you can't act through it, unless... you're not sane any more. I don't mean first mode crazy, but like... gone upstairs...”
“Becky did that, at the end. She... jumped off a building, but I was hitting her at the time and... She couldn't have jumped, but she did. I watched the footage, over and over again after it happened, she made an obvious and huge leap, she didn't fall... I killed her.” More tears came, but this time she kept talking, sobbing and hiccupping, her nose turning red from all the rubbing with the tissues.
All the time she spoke, Becky listened and stayed silent, shaking her head no, a look of pity on her face. She wanted answers, Brian knew, but didn't have a clue about how to start the conversation. Was he supposed to just drop it on her? That had kind of been his plan, but right now, the woman being a mess like she was, it didn't seem very kind. Instead he asked if she had a picture.
“Yeah, lots. She hated having her picture taken, but she was pretty, if... Well, you'll see.” She came back with a green and black album, it looked inexpensive, the kind of thing you pick up at a dollar store, not have provided by a government that wanted to keep you particularly happy. Given the look of this place, Brian figured that the people in charge here would have gotten her pretty much anything she wanted, if they could buy it for her.
The pictures were eerie, Becky, the one in his head, looked identical to the one in the pictures, pretty much meaning that he wasn't just crazy, that the image had been put in his head somehow. Dharma provided the names of others in the pictures, her mom and dad, Karen's old gymnastics coach Bill, and a childhood buddy of Becky's named Sara. All of this didn't mean he was sane, Brian knew, but it did give a little more weight to the idea. All to the good as far as that went.
Impulsively Brian leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, she stiffened, but then relaxed into his arms. The sofa under them was the really soft kind that kept pulling them one way or the other, this time with her landing a little on top of him. Her face looked flat suddenly, as if worried he wanted something more than to comfort her, which he did of course, but not bad enough to let her worry about it.
He sat up with her, laughing as he did. She followed suit, a little weakly, dabbing at her eyes again, then her nose.
“I've had time to think, after things, after my time on floor eight and given this – what we talked about – I think I understand part of what's been going on here... Each time you hit me, I felt all the love and compassion just like everyone else, but it interacted with my own first mode, so I became hyper-aware of the danger to others and out of love and wanting to protect them, I kept fighting. Self-sacrifice, at least the kind I have, is pretty narrow, I protect people in danger, but normally only those I feel close to, innocent people, the ones I replace, that kind of thing. It's why I can fight and
not give up, even though it means hurting bad guys. Each time you hit me I had a reason to react as I had been. They may not have always been emotionally clear ideas, but they weren't without compassion for someone... Really I always feel that when I have to fight. Even when I was attacked by Denis, I had to fight as best as I could, because I needed to live in order to save those other people. The ones I might help later.”
Her mouth dropped open, showing her very nice teeth, obviously something that had taken some money as well, because natural teeth weren't that white in a twenty-seven year old without help. His weren't and he was younger than that. Her green eyes went big, red rimmed and dewy still.
“You mean... I did all that and actually made things worse? You were acting out of compassion, just a slightly different version of it, all those times? Trying to... protect people?” Her voice sounded amazed, as if to say she'd really been thinking of Brian as some crazy killer that just attacked people for no reason.
He nodded and debated not telling her anything about the Becky in his head, but figured it would eventually come out. Still, he didn't want to crush her now, she actually seemed to be perking up. Becky wanted him to tell her right then.
He decided to split the difference.
“All right, so, you're not an insane killer trying to destroy me, and I'm... probably not so broken that I don't know friend from foe. I think that clears things up for now. Just, you know, in the future, if I'm fighting someone, kind of give me the benefit of the doubt and hit the other person, not me? If I don't back off without at least trying to tell you why, then you have my permission to use your power on me, or I don't know, run up and hit me with something... The thing is... There's going to be fallout from this and... I don't want to tell you all of it right now, it's nothing all that bad, but... yeah, can you trust me to tell you later? I don't want to dump a bunch of things on you that you can't do anything about right now. Because seriously, look around this place, you're not right in the head yet lady. Later though?” He smiled and gave her another hug for a moment, then let her go so she could talk.
The redhead nodded and swallowed visibly, her face going serious.
“Yeah, I think I know what must have happened. I'm so sorry... I'll... do anything you need. OK? Whatever you want from me. I owe you too much to leave you in trouble now...”
Brian shook his head.
“I will almost bet you don't guess this one. Still... friends?” He held out his hand to shake, she laughed and hugged him instead.
“Of course! What... do you want to do now?” Her voice went soft and she looked down, a bit lost looking he thought. He kept forgetting her first mode really was compassion, she must be going wild internally, thinking about what she'd almost done.
Rather than what he had done, hurting her. It didn't matter that he'd had a reason and wasn't in a good mental space inside. He'd lost control. That couldn't be allowed. Brian tried to steel his nerves and smiled.
Standing, he took her hand and helped her get up too.
“First, I think a shower for you is in order, not to be rude about it but I liked your old look better. You know the one with tooth brushing and not smelling like a hobo? What I'd like to do... Personally I want to go and work out. I also have to organize a new training regime, some people seem to think I can actually survive if I learn enough and get good enough, Lancaster let me read my personnel file. So...would you be willing to help with that? If you can, I mean? I know I've kind of been soft so far. Plus I hit you, which... Yeah, I'm sorry about that... I know that just saying the words don't really make it better... Anyway, I've healed up a bit now, so real workouts might actually be an option. Also... look, I know things have sucked for you while I was gone, but if you're willing...”
She nodded, not waiting to find out what he wanted.
“Anything.” Her gaze was serious when she spoke.
“Would you come and sit with me before the press conference later today? I hate those things. I have to go and practice for it after lunch... Oh, make sure to eat something! You look half starved. Do you need me to get something for you? I don't know what Team One does for lunch...”
It turned out that they had what amounted to a five star restaurant that ran twenty-four hours a day. Brian laughed when she invited him.
“Nah, I need to talk to the people on my own team... I haven't really been there for them. I don't know if I can be really, some of us are so different from everyone else. Mark, Stasis, I mean, I think he may be one of the most powerful people on the planet, but I don't even know what he needs at all. I owe him though, he saved my life, a bunch. Plus I still owe him some candy bars... I hardly know Christian at all, she keeps to herself, but that's no excuse for me to not find out what she needs, even if it's just letting her know I'm there for her. Marcia... I need her, I think, if I'm going to survive much longer.” Something occurred to him finally.
“M.T. Marcia Turner. Duh. Sorry, just figured out that I probably need to get with Marcia about some training things even worse than I thought.”
He didn't mention Penny. That seemed harder, and he felt really conflicted about it. Maybe he could get advice about it later? Karen was a girl too, so maybe she'd have some insight. Or Becky. Brian figured that the advice would end up being, since he was the only one in the world that could talk to Penny, he needed to suck it up and stop being an ass, even if his feelings were hurt.
They made plans to meet in the green room just before the press event was to start. At the door she stopped him and just held him for a long while, tight enough that Dharma kept clearing her throat and tapping her foot, but didn't say anything until they were walking out.
“Dude... If I have to live in your head, you cannot – I mean absolutely, positively, never-ever, not in a million years – have sex with my sister. You need to get off with some other girl and I'll put up with it, even if the idea does feel like a bad lesbian porn movie idea from in here, but not my sister...” She made fake little retching noises. Or maybe not so fake?
A real point, not that he stood any chance with Karen anyway. He didn't say anything out loud, because talking to the voices in your head didn't play well anywhere, even if the reason might be halfway legitimate, but he smiled and tried to make himself not think about the idea. She answered him anyway, knowing what he'd been thinking about.
“God, Brian, low self-esteem much? She practically offered to do you back there. What do you think “I'll do anything you want” means? My guess is she thinks that her hitting you like that made you fall madly in love with her and now she feels guilty about it. Which she should. Lame reason to nearly burn out a guy's brain, especially around here. Notice how she doesn't go around hitting everyone else all the time, even though half the people here would probably be helped by it? Still, I don't care if you two are soul mates... It just can't happen. You should give some of the Team Two girls a chance maybe, or ask Marcia if she wants a tumble.”
Not able to answer out loud he just sighed. Like any of that was going to happen?
Brian got lunch with his team, Mark making the traditional sandwiches, with cake for dessert, which Brian had to turn down even though it smelled fantastic. Marcia did too, but winked at Mark when she did it and explained that not having a sense of smell and not much ability to taste food made even the best stuff bland. After they'd eaten, Penny sitting with a piece of cake in front of her, playing with it instead of eating, talking to everyone, without expecting a response, Marcia started discussing his training options.
“Jason and I have a plan worked out, we need someone to help you in the mornings, to replace Karen, the later part of the day we have covered, and Mark is going to be with you in the evenings. Mental training. We also have the lab guys on it, they're bringing in a specialist, some hot shot geek that works out of Princeton I think, nano-materials, that kind of stuff. Um...” She searched for the name. “Messershnap?”
Cocking his head to the right, he gave her a hard look.
“
Messerschmidt? Jeremy Messerschmidt?”
“Right! You've heard of him? Didn't know you followed that kind of thing at all.” She looked intrigued when Brian nodded.
“Uh, yeah... He was my roommate at M.I.T. For three years. Pretty much my best friend for a long time. Oh, and I got with Karen already, she's in for mornings again.”
The room went silent and everyone stared at him. Mark looking up and smiling peacefully, as if not surprised at all, but Penny had a shocked expression for some reason. Marcia just raised her eyebrows.
The invisible girl turned to him and sounded baffled. “I thought... weren't you just a slacker or something? Video games and factory work?”
He turned and looked at her, making himself not ignore her like he had been for the last bit, nearly two months, he realized. It had occurred to him again that not talking to her, even if she had kind of hurt his feelings and basically said he wasn't good enough for her, was a bitch move. More to the point, Becky stood behind his chair and told him this several times, and since her takes on things had proved essentially correct so far, he decided to just assume she was right and he'd been a dick. Not the greatest thing to realize about yourself, still, if you did, then you kind of had to try and fix it.
“Yeah, I did that too, after three years of school. I started at fifteen, fourteen really, but I turned fifteen after a few weeks. When I could, at eighteen, I got out of there. Nothing against the school, top notch place, but my parents wanted a super math genius trophy child, which I wasn't really interested in being by then. It took years to get the constant stream of numbers out of my head. My parents didn't care that I didn't really have a life, as long as I did exactly what they wanted. After I left they stopped talking to me. Jeremy had been cool though, even if having a kid as a roommate had to be a pain some times. Like, if he ever wanted to bring a girl back to the room, he couldn't just tell me to get lost, right? Never complained though. We haven't talked in years. Five in fact.”
