But his body didn’t seem to want to listen.
It had craved her for too long.
He didn’t know how he managed it, but he pulled back and broke away from her. He glanced down at her cherry-red lips and messed-up hair and groaned. It looked like she’d been kissed senseless. Knowing his kiss had caused the cloud of passion in her eyes was an aphrodisiac, and he had to do all he could to resist grabbing her and kissing her again.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was a hoarse whisper. He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to do that. I shall not do so again.”
“Then I shall have to,” she said, stepping to him and grabbing the front of his shirt. She reached up and pressed her lips against his, but her kiss wasn’t gentle. It was demanding and passionate, and Alec was like butter in her hands.
He cupped her buttocks and pulled her in tightly against him, his tongue intertwining with hers, teasing and playing until they were both panting with desire. A feeling of surprise came over him when he knew without a doubt that he could lose himself in this woman’s touch. It was a thought that would normally scare him, but with Connie, all it did was make him want her more.
Pulling back from her slightly, he stared into her eyes. A sense of satisfaction filled him when a little whimper left her lips. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want to do anything if you’re not comfortable with it.”
“I’ve never been more comfortable with anything in my life, Alec McGuiness,” she replied. “I want you to show me what it’s like to experience pleasure for the first time, instead of…pain.” Her voice broke slightly on her last word.
Alec could feel his anger bubbling up to the surface once again. “That man did not deserve you.”
She placed a hand up to his cheek and gently caressed the side of his face. Alec nudged closer to her palm, reveling in the softness of her touch. “Shh,” she crooned, and her voice instantly calmed him. “Let’s not talk about him now. All I want to do is focus on us.”
There was such a look of pleading and adoration in her eyes that for a moment, he was fearful. “Connie, you need to know that I can never give you my heart… And you deserve more than a quick tumble in the hay…”
“I’m not asking for any more than tonight. I have no intention of ever remarrying, so you can put any of your fears aside. I don’t want more. All I want is this moment. Please, Alec? Please show me what it’s like to be with you.”
Alec could only nod, his words stuck in his throat. There was such certainty in her gaze that he knew she was confident in her request, and that at this point she was just wanting that. And damn it, he would spend the entire night making love to her and satisfying her over and over again, until all she could think about when she orgasmed was herself, and the pleasure she was feeling. He intended to wipe all thoughts of that bastard from her mind.
She deserved that, and he was damn well going to make sure she got it.
…
Connie knew that Alec had lost his internal battle when his eyes glazed over with heat, and all he could do was nod.
A sense of elation and anticipation filled her. Never had she wanted a man to touch her as she was craving Alec’s touch. A sense of urgency started building inside her, demanding appeasement.
Her eyes locked with his, and in that moment, they both knew what was about to happen, and they both wanted it to happen.
Alec leaned down and swept her up into his arms, nestling her against his chest as he carried her across to the bed. Slowly he lowered her down onto the middle of it.
“Are you sure, Connie?” he asked again, his eyes searching her own.
There was such consideration and concern in their depths, she was touched by his regard. “More certain than I have ever been about anything. I promise you that, Alec.”
Desire swiftly flared in his eyes, and Connie’s whole body clenched in reply. She was aching for him.
Reaching up to his shoulders, she pulled him down toward her, and their mouths met once again. A heady sense of passion engulfed her. He tasted like heaven, and she wanted more. So much more.
She could feel her womanhood getting moist and longing, almost begging, for his touch in that very place.
Alec braced his hands on either side of her head, and his whole body came to rest lightly on top of her.
Suddenly, without warning, Connie felt herself clench with the sensation of him on her. Her breathing started to speed up, and a sense of panic engulfed her. Memories of Duncan pressing on top of her and pushing into her over and over again until she bled consumed her. And as much as she tried to tell herself it was Alec and not Duncan, her body didn’t seem to know the difference. Raw terror started to claw at the edges of her vision, and she felt like she was going to faint. Instinctively she began to push against his chest, knowing she had to get him off her.
Alec immediately rolled to the side. “What’s wrong? Are you all right?”
Dragging in several deep breaths of air, Connie slowly began to feel like she could actually breathe again. “I’m so sorry, Alec. I don’t know what happened. I just… Having you on top of me brought back memories of Duncan…and all he would do to me when he was pressed against me.”
Alec swore softly under his breath. “Of course it did. And there is no need to apologize—I’m the idiot for not thinking of how that might affect you.”
“No.” Connie sat up on the bed, pulling her knees in tightly to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. “It’s my fault, not yours. Duncan always said that there must be something wrong with me. That I was frigid because I could never stand his touch. Perhaps he was right…”
“Don’t you dare say such a thing, Constance.” Alec’s gentle words belied the fierceness of his expression. “The woman who was kissing me a moment ago was passionate. Certainly not frigid.”
“But then why did I push you away?” Connie felt some tears slipping down her face and quickly brushed them aside. “I’ve never felt such passion before, yet I suddenly find myself stopping? Clearly something is wrong with me.”
Taking a deep breath himself, Alec reached across and slowly placed his own hand softly on top of hers. “You need to be kinder to yourself, sweetheart. Duncan not only abused you physically, but he abused you emotionally to say such a thing.”
“Why would he do that, though?” She found herself desperately searching Alec’s eyes for some sort of answer. It was a question she had often asked herself and had never been able to determine.
“Men who abuse those weaker than themselves often do so because they actually feel powerless. And that can often relate to issues they have with arousal and sexual gratification.”
“It can?” Connie asked.
“Aye,” he confirmed. “Let me hazard a guess. Duncan had trouble becoming erect, and he blamed you, didn’t he?”
All she could do was nod. That was exactly what had happened on each and every occasion. Though it would always start with him picking on her for some perceived slight or what he called unacceptable behavior she supposedly committed.
“And the only way he could actually get and keep an erection was when he hit you, correct?”
She was slightly embarrassed to be discussing such a topic with Alec, but she supposed they were well past proprieties now. She cleared her throat. “Yes, that is correct. How did you guess?” She’d never told that to another soul.
“Unfortunately, such a situation is not unique.” Alec stood and walked over to the nightstand, where the chambermaid had left a pitcher of water earlier. He poured a glass and carried it back over to where she was. “Here, your throat sounds dry.”
She took the glass from his hands and swallowed a sip of water. It helped her suddenly parched throat. “You’ve come across other women in my situation before?”
He nodded. “Regrettably, I have. Often.” He sat down beside her on the edge of th
e bed. “In my profession I’ve treated many women who’ve come to see me after having accidentally tripped down the stairs, or accidentally knocked themselves on some furniture, or accidentally fallen out of bed. The excuses are endless, but there’s always one, even though I can tell their injuries are consistent with being hit or kicked.”
Connie didn’t know whether she felt relieved or nauseous hearing those excuses, because those were the very ones she’d often used herself with various doctors. “I didn’t realize it happened so often…”
“Some men like to abuse their power.” Alec’s voice was filled with disgust. “And as the law currently stands, a wife is her husband’s property, to do with as he pleases, one hundred percent. Even if that includes beating the crap out of her, excuse my language.”
“Yes, that is something I’ve experienced all too well.” And women were forced into the institution of marriage, bred for it ever since they were born. As her mother had bred her. Well, Connie was never going to marry again. She would never place herself in the position of being a man’s property for a second time.
“Men like that should be darn well locked away.” Alec stood, and Connie could sense a restlessness building within him. He stalked over to the window and stood staring down at the street below for a moment.
“There should be some sort of service or clinic to help these other women,” she said. “You have no idea how isolated and alone I felt. I had no idea there were others like me.” She scooted over to the side of the bed and swung her feet onto the floor. The idea definitely warranted some more thought. Even if she could help just one other woman, it would be worth doing.
Connie glanced to Alec, only to see a fierce frown creasing his forehead. All she wanted to do was walk over there and soothe the lines away. But she stayed put. Her reaction from a moment ago had made her realize how affected she was by all of Duncan’s behavior. “Did you do anything to those husbands of the women you treated?”
She couldn’t imagine he would have stood idly by.
He glanced back over to her, his stare intense, almost as if he truly saw her as no one else could. “Not as much as I would have liked to. Though I always went and had a chat with them, and thankfully, my size would often intimidate them. Combined with my verbal threats to do to them what they did to their wives, it was generally enough to stop their behavior, at least for a time.”
“I wish the various doctors who had seen me each time after Duncan had had his fun had been like you.” Connie placed the nearly empty glass on the side table. “Perhaps then he, too, might have given me a respite.”
Alec’s boots clipped across the wooden floor as he came and crouched down in front of her. “Lass, if I’d have known he was hitting you, it wouldn’t have just been verbal threats I’d have made to him. I can promise you that.”
Her heart started to pound once again, but it certainly wasn’t from fear. His words were like a balm to her soul. “But didn’t you have to take some sort of oath when you became a doctor? To save lives, not hurt them?”
“Aye, I did.” He gently reached up and placed his palm against her cheek, his thumb softly brushing over the skin. “But I would have broken it for you.”
They were the most romantic words anyone had ever said to her, and she felt her heart open more to him. “I didn’t mean to push you away a moment ago. My body just…panicked, I think.”
He smiled at her, then stood, his hand dropping from her face. “It was my fault,” he said, taking a few steps backward. “I never should have let it get that far.”
In that instant, Connie wanted nothing more than to resume what they’d been about to do. And though she felt that she wouldn’t freeze in panic again, a small part of her still feared she might. She didn’t want to push him away, not again. It would be best to take things slowly and give her body time to grow more comfortable with the idea of having a man on her, and inside her, without meaning her harm.
But time was something she didn’t particularly have a great deal of.
“Best we get some sleep now, in any event,” Alec said. He walked across to the wardrobe and pulled out a blanket from the top shelf, then laid it on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“There is no need for you to take such extreme measures. You can share the bed with me.” As much as it would be torturous to lie next to him and not touch him or have his arms around her. “You’ll hurt your back sleeping on such a hard floor.”
He paused, and Connie could see his jaw clench tightly. “I think it’s safest if I sleep on the floor tonight. You need to rest, and tomorrow we need to get an early start.”
Rationally, she knew he was being honorable, but a part of her was hurt at his seeming rejection. “Don’t be silly. At least sleep on top of the cover next to me, with that blanket over you.”
His mouth opened and then closed, and she could tell he was struggling to say something, but no words came out immediately. “Very well,” he eventually conceded, though he seemed none too happy about it. “I shall wait outside the door while you change and get ready for bed.”
A few seconds later, as the door closed behind Alec’s retreating back, Connie found herself alone in the room. Dear Lord, what had just happened? She shook her head, worried she’d made an absolute fool of herself with him, or worse, she’d lost an opportunity that may not come again. And she imagined that letting Alec make love to her would be something she would always remember. She sighed.
Well, there was no time to lament. She wanted to be dressed in her nightclothes and finished with her bedtime rituals before he reentered the room. A shame, though, that tonight she’d have only some water to sip on, instead of her usual pot of calming tea. Though that was a rather small price to pay for her freedom.
Hurrying through the motions, Connie dressed and completed her nightly routine, somewhat awkwardly, without her maid or Mrs. Morgan’s assistance. But she managed it before quickly slipping into the bed. She turned down the gas lamp on the wall next to the headboard before tucking herself in and pulling the quilt right up to her chin.
She was already embarrassed after the events of the evening, and she didn’t particularly want to face Alec in simply her nightdress. It was going to be hard enough trying to actually get to sleep, knowing he was lying on the quilt next to her. So close and yet so distant.
A situation that perfectly summed up the entire years of their acquaintance.
But things had changed, and she no longer wanted that distance between them anymore. She no longer had the pressure of worrying about pleasing her mother or making her proud.
Connie was so confused. Part of her desperately wanted Alec, but a part of her was also scared that if she gave herself to him, she’d be giving him more than just her body—she’d be giving him her heart.
Could she risk being under a man’s rule again?
Not to mention, she didn’t know if she had enough of her heart left to actually risk giving.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The next morning when Connie awoke, Alec was already up and dressed, leaning against the wall by the window, gazing down to the street below. He had a rather pensive look on his face, and his brow was slightly furrowed. She felt guilty, watching him, while he thought she slept. Almost like a voyeur, getting a glimpse of him without his usually guarded expression. But there was something almost comforting, waking with him there, and being able to simply observe him.
He’d shaved, and the stubble she’d longed to rub her cheek against was now gone, though that didn’t stop the yearning she felt deep inside her to nudge her face against his and hold him tight.
She must have sighed, as his attention swiveled over to her.
So much for not being caught staring.
“You’re awake,” Alec said, his voice completely matter-of-fact and his eyes holding none of the passion from the night before. In fact, there was an air of dist
ance he was projecting, which Connie got the sense he was doing as a deliberate effort to put her at an emotional arm’s-length. “I shall leave you to get changed, and then we can go down and have some breakfast.” Alec straightened and walked over to the door. “I’ll be waiting outside.”
All she could do was nod, embarrassment over how she reacted last night still fresh in her mind.
As the door closed behind him, Connie sighed. She appreciated his thoughtfulness, but he’d seemed so formal in that brief moment that a part of her was sad at the cold distance.
Dragging her feet out from under the quilt, she slowly stood. Her hip and leg were always stiff at this time of day, never having fully recovered from that very first beating from Duncan, and today was no different. But she gradually worked out the kinks before quickly donning the riding habit that Lady Lorelie had lent her.
She paused when she caught a glimpse of herself in the looking glass on the dressing table. The blue material really was striking on her, even if it was wrinkled with creases from wearing it the day before without having it pressed. Connie couldn’t believe how she’d changed over the years. There had once been a time when she would have absolutely refused to wear an outfit ever again, let alone the very next day.
Having made that mistake as a young girl, and having her mother chastise her in front of her friends, Connie had determined from that day to never wear the same outfit twice. And yet here she was doing so, and she really couldn’t care less.
Certainly, a small part of her was whispering thoughts about what her mother would think. But she knew now that there were far more important things in life than to worry over such nonsense. Like her freedom. And with Fergus being in the same city and looking for her, that freedom was becoming more precious than ever.
The thought of it being snatched away, when she’d only just had the briefest of tastes of it, struck a chord of deep distress inside her, literally making her feel sick to her stomach.
The Sinful Scot (Saints & Scoundrels) Page 18
