by Parker, Des
All three of them looked in dumbfounded silence at the now-open door.
“I would count that as a yes,” Simon muttered as an afterthought. “After all, the duck has good instincts.”
“And he’s a scary little shit,” Dick added.
“I can live with that,” Simon yawned with a shrug and walked through the doorway.
“I wonder if they’ve got any food in the place?” Dick mused as he locked the Bushmaster and guided Caroline through the Manor’s not quite as imposing front door.
Simon was three steps ahead and felt for the light switch. He flicked the switch and to everyone’s surprise, the lights came on and nothing leapt at them.
The house was comfortably decorated with neo-classical furniture, beautiful rugs on timber floors, and tapestries on the walls.
“Well this is lovely,” Caroline said with a smile in her eyes as she surveyed the beauty before her.
“Well before you get too comfortable, we need to check the house for any undead freaks,” Simon interrupted, his leadership improving with every step.
“And how do we do that?” Dick added.
“We stick together and search every room, top to bottom.”
“How do we know there’s not some big, terrifying monster hiding in a closet somewhere?” Caroline wondered aloud.
“Because that would be too much of a cliché,” Simon replied.
Chapter 19
Goldilocks
The search passed without incident. The house had food; Simon and his band ate a fair share of it.
The strangest thing was the food was untouched and fresh. The house was immaculate, it seemed like no one had lived there for some time and this bothered Simon.
He half expected to open a cupboard, or the door to a darkened room, and be set upon by the drooling undead, and after a brief and very one-sided battle, which no doubt would have lain waste to half the house, he expected to win and the undead attacker would either be in pieces on the floor or flee into the night.
The fact that none of this happened was the one thing that bothered him the most. Everywhere they’d gone so far, they’d encountered zombies or werewolves, and the only thing that really caused Simon any pain so far was an egocentric porn star with an oversized opinion of himself and an oversized tank.
And pain him it did, especially when it came to the sleeping arrangements in their new house. Simon expected they would each take a bedroom and each sleep soundly and quietly - and alone.
But with an oversexed porn star in the house and a woman who had made no secret of the desire to test out his skills, Simon was hoping against hope. This is never a good thing and generally ends badly.
It was like the Goldilocks story from this moment on.
They walked up the ornate staircase to the first floor and found themselves in a hallway with a number of oak doors leading off to the manor’s many bedrooms. Simon stopped and contemplated the doors, his hands on his hips.
“So, who is taking which room? I assume this will be like the story of Goldilocks, except that Caroline will get the master bedroom and you and I will take one of the other ones, hey Dick?”
Dick looked at him with confusion. “No Dude. That’s not the way the Meister works.”
Caroline smiled at Simon and shepherded him towards one of the first doors they came to. “You take this one Simon. Dick and I with sort ourselves out.”
“Yes but - .” was all Simon could say before Caroline pushed him into the first bedroom and closed the door in his face.
“Okay – that sucks.” Simon whispered to himself as he stared at the closed door before turning his attention to the room. It was predictably the smallest, with dull colours on the walls and a very disappointing single, metal framed bed in the corner. His shoulders slumped and he slowly walked across the cold wooden floor to the edge of the bed, reflecting that Goldilocks never had this kind of trouble and fairy tales really sucked at showing children how crappy life could be for adults.
In the hallway outside, Dick smiled at Caroline and jerked his head, motioning her towards the master bedroom at the end of the hall. “So, which side of the bed do you want?”
Caroline hesitated. “What are you doing?”
Dick shrugged. “Hey babe, I know you want it, you know you want it – so let’s go and get some while it’s hot.”
In the back of her mind, Caroline hit a snag. She knew she wanted Dick but memories of her past failings, or to be more precise, the failings of shallow men in her past, started niggling at her. She didn’t feel like drowning in such a shallow puddle again. She wanted Dick to be different, to be more than just a ripple of testosterone she could enjoy for a moment. She realised this wasn’t enough. In the last days of humanity, she wanted someone she could rely on, someone who listened, someone without the disadvantages of ego and blinding self-serving indulgence. Someone who would be there, right up to the very end and be relied on to look out for her, and she didn’t think Dick had it in him.
She realised she wanted Dick to be just a little more like - Simon.
She buried the thought and tried to focus on the moment and how she would like it to be. “Don’t you want to talk for a while, really get to know each other and see where it leads?”
Dick was confused; this wasn’t the way it worked in his world. He’d done eleven films and never once gotten to know a bed buddy.
“Hey baby, the Meister moves like lightning. You’ll find out all you need to know when the lights go down, and I can promise you won’t be disappointed.”
He flexed, his biceps throbbed, as did most of the rest of him.
Something in Caroline snapped and it turned her stomach. She suddenly realised what she didn’t want, not any more. “You know what, you’re right. I won’t be disappointed, not tonight, not again – but you will be.”
Without another word, she opened the nearest bedroom door, disappeared inside and slammed it shut behind her, leaving Dick looking a little stunned, alone in the hallway. He creased his forehead. “That’s never happened before.”
He looked down at his crotch. “You and I need to talk!” Slowly shaking his head, Dick made his way to the master bedroom, his brain not quite sure why the rest of him was missing out on some action.
In his woefully smaller bedroom Simon tried to sleep, while constantly trying not to listen to noises he couldn’t hear, but imagined he could, coming from the master bedroom where he imagined things were happening, things he really shouldn’t have imagined.
After trying not to sleep, and being absolutely determined not to sleep, because he knew that, sometime in the night, they would be attacked because that’s what always happens in zombie movies, he fell asleep.
His last thought before sleep was that Dick would take his underpants off, and when the zombies came, Dick Meister would be the first to be munched on, and not in the way he was probably even now being…
This thought warmed his heart and Simon felt a little better. He may have felt a little worse if they had bothered to search the outbuildings as well as the house.
In one of the creepy outbuildings just out the back of the house were several long wooden boxes, which were, at this moment, curiously empty.
The owners of these curious boxes were curiously absent, but would be home in a few hours and would no doubt be curious about why some of the lights were on in the big house.
Chapter 20
The Belfry
Several hours later, Simon awoke. It was still dark but dawn would be coming soon. Most of the house was in darkness and he was alone. He walked out into the upstairs hall; the door to the far bedroom was closed. The door to the bedroom, the bedroom with the big bed, the big bed with Caroline and the big porn star with the big -.
A duck quacked at his feet.
“Oh, fuck,” Simon blurted.
Mr Percival looked up at him and trotted off along the hallway, down the stairs towards the kitchen, his insatiable duck-appetite seeking out more food
.
Simon looked, sadly, at the far bedroom door; closed to him forever and followed the hungry duck downstairs.
He turned on the kitchen lights and boiled the kettle, riffling through the fridge and tossing some bread to Mr Percival who sat in the corner, happily munching away.
Simon found the tea and biscuits and made his way out to the lounge. There was a nice fireplace with a marble mantle and, above it, the portrait of some strange old man who had probably been dead for centuries, although given the present state of affairs, could just as well be wandering the moors.
There was a lovely flowery-patterned lounge setting facing the fireplace. The setting consisted of a large, comfortable sofa and two deep armchairs, all in immaculate condition.
Simon sat in the long sofa and looked into the fireplace; the fire wasn’t lit and he wasn’t about to light it, just in case a zombie fell down from the chimney, which might make him spill his tea if he had to fight it off. He still had his cardigan on, he had slept in his clothes, there was no way he was getting half-naked in just anybody’s house, not with all the monsters about the place.
A noise startled him and in walked Dick and Caroline. They weren’t half-naked either and Simon was surprised. They were still in the same clothes and still wearing their mohair. It looked to Simon like they had their fun without taking off a stitch, Dick still had his sword over his back and gun in hand. For a moment Simon wondered about the physics of that and the danger of loaded weapons being around people unloading their lusts.
Caroline’s hair wasn’t even messy, which Simon hoped might mean that there hadn’t been any messing about either.
“Couldn’t sleep either?” Dick enquired.
“No,” Simon replied.
“I’ll get us some tea,” Caroline said with a yawn and left the room.
Simon’s glanced over his shoulder as Caroline left the room. “So, did you two get some sleep?
For a moment before he spoke, Dick contemplated telling the truth but he had a reputation to maintain so he told a white lie to cover up the painful truth that for once he had failed to score. “Hell no. We fucked like rabbits.”
Simon’s hopes of ever getting closer to Caroline faded, crashed to the ground, and smashed themselves against the nearest rock wall. He had a very active imagination and didn’t do things by half, but he did have a moral code and realised she was now out of reach.
Dick continued spinning his fairy-tale, his voice lacking enthusiasm, “But it just wasn’t the same you know. We had to keep all the gear on, just in case of zombies and, well, I’m used to camera on, clothes off, tackle out, but she wanted to cuddle first. How fucked up is that?” Dick planted himself on the sofa, quite impressed with his yarn.
Simon spluttered his tea and tried unsuccessfully to hold in a laugh.
“Oh – I’m sorry to hear that.” Simon muttered, still trying to stifle the laugh. He wasn’t actually sorry but you never laughed at another man’s fuck-up in the bedroom, at least not while he was in the room.
Caroline returned with two cups and gave one to Dick. She squeezed on to the sofa between them and shot a glance at Simon. He got the message and moved to an armchair. She shot a second glance at Dick and he shuffled slightly away from her, hoping Simon hadn’t noticed.
“So what do we do now?” Caroline asked.
High above, in the swirling blackness of the sky, eyes were watching their every move, seeing their warm outlines through the closed windows. Ears were listening to their every word, and to their heartbeats, because these new ears were really good; the owner was impressed, and liked showing off, even if no one else was watching.
The only thing he wasn’t really used to yet, were the wings. He was still having problems with the aerodynamics. This is probably why he collided with another set of eyes flying close beside him.
There was a flash of claws, a scuffle of leather, and a complete loss of lift.
They plummeted to the ground, wings desperately trying to untangle, as the multi-winged, multi-clawed, black faces plummeted towards the ground.
At the last possible second, they wrenched clear and both hit the ground hard. They launched into a vicious swearing match, which everyone else would only have heard as a lot of angry little squeaks, because both of them completely forgot to transform once they hit the ground. This is probably why the others never really took them seriously. They were too busy fucking about to provide any kind of credible leadership until they had worked through their emotional issues. The others just sat there and watched them until they slowly ran out of puff and regained some semblance of sense.
The leader looked around at his keep, and realised he needed to show some leadership because he suspected if he didn’t, he would lose his harem and that was the best part of this gig. He squeaked an order and they all took to the air, heading with grim determination towards the Manor House.
Chapter 21
Boo
Simon was pacing back and forth; there was no need for alarm. They had turned off most of the lights and were gathered in the sitting room, drinking their tea, and contemplating the future.
“We could probably hole up here for a few weeks until the authorities come for us.”
“Or the zombies,” Caroline added as she walked up to him standing by the window.
The drapes were closed and they were all a little restless.
“Do you think they will?” Dick asked as he leaned against the wall by the fireplace.
“Who, the authorities or the zombies?” Simon replied with a hint of sarcasm.
“Maybe they’re one in the same thing,” Caroline was being philosophical.
“Well, that will be just great, won’t it? We’ll have to fight off the whole fucking world as the last surviving humans.” Simon sipped his tea with a determined cut to his jaw. He was trying to look cool in front of Caroline, he still held out hope that she might still see him as the better man.
“I can take them,” Dick smiled manfully and finished off his English breakfast with a flourish. It was still an hour or so till dawn, until the proper time for tea and kippers, but he was up for it, he’d had a bit of sleep and he was charged and ready.
“Surely there must be other survivors somewhere,” Caroline added. “We just have to find them.”
Simon peered through a crack in the curtain, he thought he saw a flutter against the darkness but dismissed it and returned his gaze to the room. “I don’t think there’s another soul around for miles.”
He turned to his left and came face to face with another face, hanging upside-down in front of him.
“Good Evening,” the face said, with a distinctly east European accent, or at least a Northerner’s attempt at one. It came out deep and mysterious, with a hint of yellow, probably matching the upside-down yellow teeth, two of which were clearly fangs.
“Oh Fuck!” Simon yelped and jumped back, but immediately felt his annoyance rising. He was long past being scared and this new development just pissed him off, he was really sick of supernatural surprises.
He smoothed down his cardigan and stormed back up to the face. “Great. Vampires! Now, we’ve got bloody vampires too.”
Dick straightened up abruptly and cocked his gun as Caroline brandished his sword, moving to a clear spot in the middle of the room, the sword sweeping around her as she scanned about her, muscles tense.
Simon didn’t even blink, he just bit his lip, dropped a low and menacing gaze, then stared straight into the vampire’s eyes.
The vampire was clearly surprised; this was not the reaction he expected. Though not a young face, it was strong and certain, but less certain than it had been a few seconds earlier.
The vampire was in its mid-forties, black hair slicked back, long lines and thin. It was still upside-down, and his surprise registered as an expression that looked completely baffling. “Aren’t you scared?”
Simon was not scared, not even remotely. He’d fought off monsters all afternoon, now all he
wanted was peace and quiet and maybe a bit more sleep.
“No, I’m not fucking scared. I have been fighting off zombies and werewolves all bloody day and you are just another supernatural shit we have to kill.”
Across the room, Dick fingered the trigger of his gun.
The face smiled but being upside-down, it looked like a badly cut frown.
Simon was confused now. “Are you smiling?”
The face wanted to smile menacingly, but its mouth got caught halfway by gravity and just hovered stupidly. “I am – sorry, what?”
“It’s just that, you’re upside-down and your smile looks like a frown.”
“No – I am smiling. I haven’t quite mastered the upside-down thing yet, but I will.”
“Oh, I’m sure you will. So, you were saying?”
The face smiled again and bared its fangs, the menace returning to its tone. “Good evening.”
Simon looked the vampire up and down, or down and up if you change the whole perspective thing, and a question crossed his mind. “What are you hanging from?”
The vampire stopped and thought for a moment, his head tilting a little, in an upside-down thingy sort of way, which made very little sense. “I’ve never really thought about that.”
“Best not to,” Simon replied.
“No,” replied the undead bloodsucker, “I think I am partly mist and vapour and just a little bit flesh - it’s an old vampire trick - you wouldn’t understand.”
“Right.” Simon nodded in thoughtful agreement. He tilted his head and leaned in close, staring at the vampire’s teeth. “You know one of your fangs is shorter than the other.”
The vampire was taken aback and the menace dropped from his voice. “Oh, you’re kidding. Don’t you fucking hate that?”
“You could always file the other one down a bit.” Simon was trying to be helpful to put off the killing for a few seconds more.
The vampire returned his attention to what he was certain would be dinner. “Now, if you could just all be quiet, it’s time for me to bite you.”
