by Inia Jardine
24
The dinner went quite well. They said that they enjoyed my falafel balls and accompanying cauliflower & potato soup. Claudia, Cynthe and François played with her new plush rabbit toy and teddy bear. They are already spoiling her but I feel comfortable with them now, they are quite nice people actually.
The cats were calm around them and Kiki lay in our company, happily snoozing. I always feel that if my animals are comfortable with people, I can be too. But if my animals don't like someone, or if someone is nasty to my cats or Kiki, boy – will they have to be very careful around me. They are my children too and I have known them for so long that their places in my heart are huge. They only share with Jonah, and now Cynthe. And Bella.
After I tidy up and put Cynthe to bed, I sit in front of the fireplace again with all my fur babies around me and a glass of Françoise's excellent red. I wonder when Jonah will be able to come back. Bella phoned me earlier to check on me and I could hear the guilt in her voice. We have decided to lie to Jonah a bit more and say that I was only alone for one night. He will just be so upset otherwise and I don't want his friendship with Howie and the trust between them, to suffer.
White lies with good intentions are allowed if you mean well. That is my rule, right or wrong. Do what you may but cause no harm.
Once again I wake up freezing cold as I fell asleep by the fireplace, my happy place. I have made a nest with my blankets, an old duvet and some pillows. I am more comfortable here than in my room when Jonah is not around. Kiki is scratching at the door and I go to open for her with the blanket wrapped around me. I almost have a heart attack as this huge figure comes limping through the grey misty dawn light.
'Hey Kiki! How are you, girly?' He bends down to love Kiki.
'Jonah! Jonah!' I cry and run towards him blanket and all. 'Why didn't you call me from the airfield?'
'Hey baby, it was too early so I took a taxi. I flew on Henri's jet can you believe it. What a story. Why are you crying? What's wrong?'
'I love you and missed you, you stupid man. I am allowed to.' I give him a smack on the arm and then the wettest, smoochiest kiss one could imagine.
'Wow, I must go away more often. Did you get me back here just to take advantage of my jet lag?' He grins as he hugs me tight. 'Where is Bella? Still asleep? Are Cynthe and Olivia still asleep as well? Hey cats!'
'Why?'
'Because...' and right there and then I am taken advantage of in a very delicious way on my nest of blankets and pillows. Oh, it is good to have my big strong Jonah back. With him by my side I can take on the world.
A few minutes later, just a few as neither of us could wait much longer, we lie snuggled together in front of the newly lit fire. 'So Lilia, my deliciousness, why did I have to rush home? Only for this very wonderful reception?' He starts tickling me.
“Stop it Jonah. Serious time. We had visitors.'
'Who could be so important? Were they more thugs from V, F & L? But then you would have called the detectives or have shot them wouldn't you? Do you want me here to help you bury the bodies?'
'This is different. I don't know yet whether it is a threat or not. It is Armand's parents. François and Claudia Belmore. They came to look for Desiree and found Cynthe.'
'What? What do they want with Cynthe?'
'I don't know. Except that they told me they would like to be involved in her life, and after Claudia got over the shock of Cynthe being black, they were actually quite pleasant and she likes them.'
'What? They did not know she was black? What fucking planet are they from? You let them interact with her? Racist strangers? Lilia how could you.' He sits up and I can feel the air around us shimmering with something quite close to distrust.
'Hey, back up for a minute here Jonah. Am I or am I not her adoptive mother? Do I or do I not have her best interests at heart? I love her just as much as you do. I did what I thought was best and you were not here. That is why I called you.'
'Sorry Lilia but you know how much I love that child. I think I can hear her crying.' He hurriedly pulls on his trousers and limps away to Cynthe's room. Sometimes I wonder whom he loves most. I can't think straight without coffee. I need coffee. Boil kettle - get coffee. Now!
'Hey mommy look who is up.' Jonah walks in with Cynthe wrapped up in her blanket and her little arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Who am I to be jealous of this gorgeous little girl? I love both of them and will share his love, he is all she has. No, not any more - I stand corrected. She has other grandparents as well now.
'I have some Jamaican Blue Mountain for you in my bag, do you want to make that?' he asks while kissing and tickling Cynthe.
'Wonderful, thanks Jonah. Hey little baby' I give her a kiss on my way to the coffee. 'Someone is happy to see Daddy! What's this? Some lucky little girl got a present.'
There is a colourful wrapped parcel in the bag and I bring it with to the kitchen.
'That is from great granddaddy Henri. There is one for you too Lilia. The lavender coloured one.' Of course.
We share the amazing coffee in front of the fireplace in my nest, while Cynthe tries to pull on her yellow, green and black socks. They are too cute but the colours do not go with her current pastel wardrobe. I may have to turn a blind eye for a while, as matching clothes will most probably be off the menu now that she can start choosing her outfits herself. I see a Rasta chick starting to hatch... My nest feels better with them here. I love these two people so much. The huge one and the little dwarf being.
'Hmm, I see Henri has been told a lot about me.' I sniff the grey green substance and immediately know what it is.
'Well you always did say that you wanted to try it again didn't you?'
'Yes, but not at the risk of you being locked up Jonah.'
'The joys of travelling in a private jet...so, where is Bella and the baby? I saw the guest room door is open and it looks unoccupied.'
'They had to leave as her sister was in an accident. Howie had to go with to look after the kids.'
'Oh, OK. Lilia, what is going on with the Belmores?' He seems to be more concerned with them than with Bella's absence so I don't have to lie any more. Phew.
'Well, they just rocked up here out of the blue one morning bright and early, then we had dinner together and I expect them to call me again today. I am so glad that you are here. They wanted a meeting with us and I said they must wait for you to return. It's not like they are being pushy or anything, they just seem to want to bond with their grandchild.'
'Don't say that. It sounds wrong.'
'But Jonah, it is what they are. They are her blood too. Her father was their son. You can't deny them or her from having that bond.'
'I will have to hear them out first before I come to any conclusions. But I don't like it. I got used to it being just the three of us.'
'And Henri. Great granddaddy.'
'And Henri. I guess going from no relatives to a whole lot is quite something to get used to.'
'I know. It must seem so strange, after your mom passed it was only you. Then you got me, Solange, Cynthe and Henri! But you will always be my number one family Jonah.'
'Lilia, even if I get a hundred new relatives you will be my number one too. But Cynthe is my granddaughter. Legally now my daughter, but you know what I mean. She is my blood.'
'I'm not? Is that what you are saying? Talking about the ever so important blood ties - have you conveniently forgotten our bond, you accepted my blood quite happily to stay alive – I guess that is all water under the bridge now. Ancient history.'
'No Lilia, I love you more than anything, you know that.'
'Do I?' I get up with a voice close to tears before this goes further than I can handle. 'I'm going to shower now. You can bath and get “your blood family” dressed. And see that she gets breakfast. I'm going out.'
'Lilia! Come back. My God what did I say wrong? Lilia!'
'Screw you Jonah.' I know it is wrong but I turn around and show him the finger. 'Screw you.'
He is breaking my heart again.
Kiki and I walk to the waterfall to get rid of this anger inside me. All my life I have been second best, third, whatever, never first for anyone until Jonah. That is why I am hurt so deeply by his words of this morning. He popped my safe little bubble that I have been locked in through all of our troubles. Now I feel second best again. Pushed out of his number one spot by a little girl that I love too. That is not right is it? When we got married we promised each other to be there always. To have each other’s back so to speak.
To always be number one family. Ohana.
This used to be our place, mine and Jonah's, where we could come to escape from the world. I am going to miss it so much. If I still want to go to Jamaica with him – maybe I should stay. Do I want to? What would happen to me in a strange country with no one truly beside me, always there for me? Whatever happens? I would not be able to leave home and start over if we break up. But would I want to start over if we break up? I don't think so. Too late for that now.
Jonah is my one true love and I will never get another chance at happiness. I have to make this work. We have too much emotional investment in each other. What did my parents say when my ex and I divorced all those years ago? In their generation and the ones before, they fixed something that was broken, in our generation we throw it away and get new.
I don't want a new Jonah.
Never.
Life without him would be unbearable. I have to go back and try to make him understand how I feel.
'Come Kiki, let's go home.'
'Oh, hello François, Claudia. Good to see you again. I was just out for a walk. Saying goodbye to the place. Hope you have not been waiting for me for too long.'
'Where are you going? We were not aware that you were moving somewhere?'
'That is private business Mr Belmore if you don't mind. Lilia, we are going to have that meeting with them now if you would care to join us in the study.’
There is quite a strained atmosphere in the air and I would love to know what was said before my arrival. I was away for quite some time, but they must surely have phoned first - before coming over?
'Mr Hibbert, Professor, if you would prefer to be official, we will be. I have here my son Armand's Last Will and Testament. It has been signed by both him and his wife, your estranged daughter Solange. It states inter alia that Desiree, his daughter, inherits all of his holdings and shares. Plus a substantial Trust Fund on the sole proviso that she be raised by myself and my wife, or in the case of our passing, a family member nominated by us. Belmore family I must add, only Belmore.
No mention is made of any family from Solange's side.
Now wait please, just let me finish.
I have to accept, we all have to accept, that Armand and Solange both wanted Desiree to be raised in the French culture and language that was theirs. It is her heritage and you should not prevent her from enjoying a life of fine education, the best schools and everything money can buy. She will be expected to live her life as a Belmore which is what she is by birth.’
'I won't accept that. We won't, am I correct Lilia? What are you, some kind of royalty?'
'Jonah, just let him finish please.'
'Now I can see that you both are upset and we will give you time to adjust to the situation, but we will not be leaving this country without her. If necessary we will involve the local law enforcement, as well as our French attorneys. Believe me, this is for Desiree's best interests, it is to ensure that she has the best possible future. Would you deny her that?'
'Get out of my house and never come back. You came in here under false pretences, befriended my wife in my absence and then expect me to hand over my granddaughter, who we legally adopted, to you, complete strangers? You must be joking. You will hear from my attorneys. Now go before I throw you out. '
I have not seen Jonah so mad in a long time. I cringe when I think of how this situation could be twisted to make it into something that I would have wanted. I never wanted to get rid of Cynthe, I just wanted Jonah to love me more. Is that so wrong?
'Are you happy now Lilia? Have you been scheming behind my back?'
'Jonah, listen to yourself. You are being utterly unfair. How could I ever have influenced a person unknown to me? I never even knew of their existence until we got that email from Solange. I never knew Armand had parents, they were never mentioned. I thought they were deceased.'
He appears to pull himself back after contemplating something.
'I'm sorry Lilia. So sorry for everything I have said. I love you and we will work this out together. It is just so hard facing the possibility of life without Cynthe. What would be in her best interests? Coming to Jamaica with us for who knows what future, which opportunities, wherever we may go from there, or be raised in a French family with the best of everything? Will she hate us one day if we keep that from her? If we deny her that possibility of a sparkling, glittery life? But we will give her love, nothing is more important.'
'I wish I knew the answer Jonah. I personally feel just as concerned as you do about our and thus her future. Should we not get a legal opinion from Von Diemens on this whole matter?'
'I will go to town immediately and see our attorney. He will suggest the best way forward. I am actually so tired but I will not rest until this is sorted out. May I have a hug please?'
'Of course Jonah. I have been thinking. Just now at the waterfall I realised that it is you I love, you and whatever old or new baggage you may bring to this relationship. I mean, when I met you, you were alone in this world, your Mama had just passed away and you were all on your own, except for the old girlfriends.
Now, lately you have gained some enemies, gained a daughter, lost a daughter, gained a granddaughter and may now lose that granddaughter. For a decade or so until she is grown up anyway. Gained a father. A very generous one. I have loved and supported you through all of that. My love just grows stronger, not weaker. I want to know from you whether you feel that way about me too.'
'You mean to say that you also have a child hidden somewhere?'
'No Jonah don't be silly. Women are so different in that way. We will always know whether or not we have a child, not like men who spread their wild oats around and never know which ones incubated and which ones didn't. Most of them don't care either way. It is always the woman's problem.'
'If I knew for one minute that Solange's mother Julia was pregnant, I would have requested her to have an abortion. I told you that I never wanted kids. But now that I only have Cynthe, I am glad that I was never put to that decision. I wish we were back in Jamaica now; I need some weed.'
'Must say, I can do with some too. Remember the little gift Henri sent me?'
'Come here you. I love you Lilia. No matter what. I got to go. I will join you for that spliff later.'
'No matter what. You are my life Jonah. We will get through this only if we back each other up. I hope your attorney will be able to help.' With that we share a kiss. I really love this guy. I am so thankful that he loves me back.
After the meeting with the attorney, Jonah comes home in a tizz. 'You know, Von Diemens said that we are Cynthe's legal guardians and we can make the decision as to where and how she will be raised. Be that as it may, good news for sure, he also said that we must be extremely careful of why and how we make this decision, because it can backfire badly. If we don't allow Cynthe to be raised according to her father's will, she may hate us one day when she finds out we kept her inheritance from her. Prevented her from being raised in the finest French style imaginable, with the finest opportunities. What on earth shall we do?'
'Jonah, I have been thinking too. I want to read you something. This is from one of my favourite poems called 'The road not taken' and it was written by Robert Frost. I start with
'Two roads diverged '… and end with …'has made all the difference'.
It truly is a great poem.
'What do you want to say Lilia? That we should make the choice that most peo
ple would not make?'
'I want to say that we should not think of ourselves, but of Cynthe. Put ourselves in her position seventeen years from now. What do you think she would say if we kept her rightful inheritance from her by being selfish and keeping her with us? It would after all have been her life were her parents still alive, we have no right to overrule their wishes. Even if they were assholes. Sorry.'
