by Chris Cannon
Was this how my mom had coped with my dad’s betrayal? “Thanks, Mom. I better go.”
The first thing I noticed when I walked into school was the fresh round of recycling posters taped all over the hallways. Wherever one of my Keep the Hilmer Library Open posters hung, one of West’s was displayed right next to it. That was rude. He should find his own spots to hang posters.
I had to walk past West’s locker to reach mine. Charlie made eye contact with me and gave a quick nod. I nodded back. West pretended I was invisible, which made my stomach ache. Acting like it didn’t bother me, I kept walking.
At my locker, I noticed the gossip who’d asked me about West a few weeks ago. She sidled closer as I worked the combination lock.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
“Is it true?” she asked. “Did you and West break up?”
“We did,” I said, keeping my tone even, like it wasn’t a big deal.
“Sorry about that,” she said.
Sure she was. I nodded and went back to organizing my books. Lisa showed up a few minutes later.
“Any problems so far this morning?” she asked.
“Besides the burning desire to kick West in the balls? No.”
She pulled a flat bakery bag from her backpack. “Just in case you needed more cookies.”
I was pretty much cookied out, but I took the bag. “Thanks. Did you notice how pro-recycling signs popped up next to all of our save the library signs?”
“Yes. That’s sort of rude.”
“My thoughts exactly. So what are we going to do about it?” I asked.
“We could accidentally rip them off the walls,” she suggested.
“I don’t have a better idea,” I said. “But we probably shouldn’t do that.”
By lunch, all I wanted to do was go home and go to sleep.
Matt approached our table and sat down. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but West is a miserable SOB today. He’s barely speaking to us.”
“Good,” Lisa said. “He broke up with Nina. He deserves to be miserable.”
Matt frowned. “Huh…from the way he’s acting, I would have thought it was the other way around.”
“Nope,” I said. “This is all his doing. Feel free to punch him if the opportunity arises.”
He nodded and walked off.
…
West
Matt and Charlie waited for me by my car after school. I don’t know what they had in mind, but I was not in the mood to go anywhere or deal with anyone. “What’s up?” I asked.
“That’s what we wanted to ask you,” Matt said.
“Yeah,” Charlie chimed in. “Why are you in such a foul mood?”
I didn’t owe either of them an explanation, but I couldn’t really talk to anyone else about this. Glancing around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear, I said, “My mom spoke to Nina and let her in the house.”
“That’s good, right?” Matt said.
I stared at him, waiting for him to get a freaking clue.
“Or not,” Charlie said. “Because of your mom’s collection.”
“My dad read me the riot act. I told Nina when we started dating that she could never come over to my house and bother my mom, and she did it anyway. The end.” And with that, I got in my car. There was nothing left to discuss.
…
Wednesday morning when I walked to my locker, I knew something was up. Matt and Charlie stood nearby with their heads together like they were plotting something. As I worked the combination lock, they came to stand on either side of me.
“Whatever it is, the answer is no.” I didn’t like it when they pulled the twin card and ganged up on me.
“Crab ass.” Matt leaned against his locker. “You don’t even know what we were going to say.”
“Fine. Talk.”
“You didn’t have to break up with Nina,” Charlie said. “She knows your secret. You could be honest with her.”
“That’s not the point,” I said.
“Then what is the point?” Matt asked. “Making yourself miserable?”
I didn’t bother answering. I just headed off to homeroom. Matt and Charlie had no right to judge me. They didn’t live in my house. They didn’t know what it was like to deal with crazy twenty-four hours a day. And not just my mom’s craziness, my dad was also nuts in his own antisocial, OCD way. And yes, Nina knew about them, but that didn’t make the situation okay; it made it worse. When I was out of the house I could pretend my life was normal. Having Nina know meant I couldn’t pretend anymore. The crazy would always be there staring me in the face. I was better off dating a girl who lived across town, someone who’d never know about my family. Someone who didn’t look at me with pity.
…
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday all rolled into one big ball of shittiness. I avoided talking to everyone because Matt and Charlie kept prying, and my mom wouldn’t stop asking about Nina.
My dad was the only person who seemed happy.
Saturday afternoon, I went for a drive to clear my head. My life was fine. I didn’t need a girlfriend, especially one who lived next door to me who could bring everything crashing down around me at any moment.
I only had three months left of school. Time to focus on which college I wanted to attend. I’d been accepted by several with good engineering programs and was still trying to make up my mind. Maybe I’d pick the one farthest away. My dad could cater to my mom’s craziness all he wanted, while I lived a normal life someplace else.
With no plan in mind, I drove downtown near the barbeque place where Nina and I had eaten. I Googled the restaurant’s phone number, ordered the family special as carryout, and waited in the parking lot for it to be ready. Because it’s not like I had someone at home cooking me dinner.
Couples walked up and down the street holding hands, looking in the stupid store windows. All the girls were smiling. Most of the guys didn’t seem unhappy, but I could tell this wasn’t their favorite activity. I was glad not to be one of those guys who had to pretend to be interested in window displays, even though Nina and I had had a good time.
When twenty minutes had passed, I headed over to the restaurant to pick up my food. On the drive home, I ate fries straight from the bag. They weren’t as good as I remembered.
At home, I found my mom and dad eating pizza in the kitchen. I held up my bag of carryout. “I picked up barbecue, if you want some.”
“Maybe later,” my dad said.
I fixed a plate and sat at the table.
“Are you feeling any better?” my mom asked.
It took me a moment to realize she was speaking to me. “I’m fine.”
“No. You’re not,” my dad said. “What’s wrong?”
I set my fork down. Resentment rose up inside me. “Nothing’s wrong. I made sure Nina wouldn’t be a problem anymore, just like you told me to.”
“Why would she be a problem?” my mom asked.
I let my dad field that question since he was the one who’d set this ball in motion, but he didn’t say anything. Fine. “Dad didn’t want Nina over here, and you wouldn’t stop asking about her, so I did what I had to do. I broke up with her.”
My dad looked at me like I’d said something that didn’t make sense.
“I don’t know why you look surprised,” I said. “Everything I do—keeping to myself, only being friends with Matt and Charlie, never getting too close to anyone, living like a freaking hermit—is to keep our family secret.”
My dad shook his head. “I never asked you to do that. I thought you were like me, that you preferred to keep to yourself.”
“No.” I wanted to shout at him, but I didn’t have the energy. “I put my entire life on hold to try and keep the peace around here.” I sank down in my chair. I thought confessing this might make me feel better, but it just felt like I had fallen deeper into a hole of my own making. This was all too much.
“I don’t understand why Nina can’t
come over,” my mom said.
I loved my mother, but I’d reached my limit. “How we live isn’t normal. Your collection…all of these boxes stacked floor to ceiling is not normal. Anyone who came into the house—”
“West, that’s enough!” my dad shouted.
“Why?” I was on a roll. “Why can’t we talk about it? Mom is a hoarder. It’s a fact. Not naming the problem won’t make it go away.”
“Pointing it out doesn’t make it any better either.” My dad reached across the table to hold my mom’s hand. He looked at her as he spoke. “This isn’t your fault.”
My mom stared uncomprehending at me and then at my dad. “I don’t understand, but if I stop asking about Nina, will that make it better?”
“Nothing will make this better.” I stood and stalked off to my room. Lying in bed, I rubbed my temples hoping to make my pounding headache go away.
My bedroom door swung open.
“What?” I sat up, expecting to see my father.
My mom stood there ringing her hands. “Go talk to Nina. She made you happy. Your father and I want you to be happy.”
“It’s too late for that.”
“It’s never too late,” she said. “Go make things right.”
“I’m not sure I can.” I’d said some unforgivable things.
“Think about it.” My mom left, closing the door behind her.
It was a little late for motherly concern and advice. Could I make this right after what I’d said? The truth was, even though Nina might make my life more difficult, I had been happier with her than without her. Was that how my dad felt about my mom? Not that I planned to propose marriage to Nina, but I wanted her back in my life. After the way I’d broken things off with her, I needed to come up with a good argument to win her back. First step: talking to her.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
West
I went back into the now empty kitchen and looked out the window toward Nina’s backyard. She was seated at the picnic table with her back to my house. Her brother, Jason, was nowhere to be seen, but her mom sat across from her. Gidget lay in the grass chewing on a rawhide bone.
What could I say to her? I had no idea. All I could do was try. I headed out the back door. Nina’s mom saw me coming. Her eyebrows shot up, which clued Nina in.
She turned around, spotted me, and frowned. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“I’m a little busy now.” Nina indicated the game of Life she and her mom were playing.
“Who’s winning?” I asked.
“None of your damn business,” Nina replied, and turned back around.
Okay then. I knew this wouldn’t be simple, but I was already over here, and I wasn’t giving up without a fight, so I sat down next to her.
“No one invited you to sit,” she said.
“I know you’re mad,” I started in. “And you have every right to be.”
“Nope. Not mad. I might be profoundly pissed off, hateful, and fantasizing about kicking you in the balls, but I wouldn’t say I’m mad.”
“Okay. I deserve that. The terrible things I said when I broke up with you, I didn’t mean them. I said them on purpose to drive you away.”
“Mission accomplished,” she shot back. “Anything else you want to share before you Go Away?”
I got it. She was throwing my words back in my face. Time to cut to the chase. “Breaking up with you was the only way I could keep my mom from inviting you to dinner.”
“Wait a minute,” Nina’s mom said. “I thought you said your mom was sick and couldn’t have visitors.”
“He lied,” Nina said.
“I didn’t lie. My mom is ill,” I said. “But it’s not her immune system that’s the problem. She’s mentally fragile, so my dad is overprotective of her. If my mom had invited Nina to dinner, my dad would have followed through on his threat to evict you.”
“What the hell?” Nina said. “That’s why you broke up with me?”
I nodded.
“Did you ever think you could have talked to me about this, instead of acting like the biggest jerk on the planet?”
“You don’t understand. My mom is not rational. She doesn’t back down from an idea once it’s in her head. My dad literally threatened to kick you out and let my mom fill the house with more of her crazy collection. Breaking up with you seemed like the only solution.”
“Why can’t Nina eat dinner at your house?” her mom asked.
“I haven’t seen our dining room table in more than three years. I guess it’s still in there somewhere, but it’s buried under boxes of useless crap my mom collects. My dad loves her, and therapy didn’t help, so he puts all of her things in storage boxes. My entire house is floor-to-ceiling boxes, and my dad doesn’t want anyone to know, so I’ve been telling people that my mom is ill for years.”
“Oh…wow.” Her mom frowned. “I’ll go inside and let you two talk.”
After her mom left, I scooted closer to Nina. “I swear you weren’t just convenient. Can you give me a second chance?”
“If this is supposed to be an apology, it’s not working,” Nina said. “Rather than telling me the truth, like you said you would, you threw my worst fear in my face. You made me feel worthless, just like my father did.”
“I’m sorry.” I reached for her hand, but she yanked it away.
“Don’t touch me.”
Well, this was a spectacular failure. “If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.” I stood and walked toward my house, hoping she’d call me back. Of course, that didn’t happen. Apparently, there are some things an apology can’t fix.
…
Nina
My mom must have been hovering by the patio doors, because she came back outside as soon as West left. “I take it that didn’t go well.”
“No,” I said.
“So West’s dad is the mentally healthier parent?” my mom asked. “Poor West.”
“Right. Poor West.” I spun the spinner with a little too much gusto, and it took forever to land on a number. I moved my game piece three spaces. “He should have told me the truth.”
“You’re right,” my mom said. “But sometimes being right isn’t everything. Sometimes you need to think about what makes you happy.”
I froze. “If you’re trying to tell me you’re getting back together with Dad, I swear to God I’m moving in with Lisa.”
“What? No. Never. What your dad did was selfish and wrong, not to mention illegal. What West did was stupid and shortsighted and immature. You’re the only one who can decide if it’s forgivable.”
Later that night I called Lisa and relayed the interaction with West and what my mom said. “And honestly, there’s only so much time and effort I’m willing to put into any relationship,” I said. “And I’m not sure West is worth the trouble.”
“So you think you’ve reached the end of your emotional budget?” Lisa asked. “Where his issues aren’t worth the emotional investment?”
“Maybe. Is that something your mom tells people when she’s counseling them?”
“Yes.”
“It makes sense to have an emotional boyfriend budget. Some sort of scale to decide if the good outweighs the bad. If you are better off with or without a guy.” I pulled at a thread on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and the hem unraveled. “Crap.” West had warned me about that. Was this some sign from the universe that I needed to leave well enough alone or that I needed to hear West out? Or…it could just be an old shirt with weakened thread.
“So what are you going to do?” Lisa asked.
“I have no idea. Part of me wants to hear him out. Part of me wants to break the mirrors off of his Fusion with a baseball bat.”
She laughed. “Let me know if I need to come play lookout so you won’t get caught.”
After hanging up with Lisa, I thought about West. He claimed he didn’t mean what he’d said. Oh, how I wanted to believe that. Did I want to give another ch
ance to a guy who’d hurt me on purpose, even if it was to protect his mom? I didn’t know. And yes, he’d been trying to keep me from being evicted, but all of this pain could have been avoided if he’d just told me the truth. But he hadn’t. And that was the real problem.
…
West
Sunday night, I sat out on my barbecue court, burning sticks and charcoal in the grill. I’d given up on bringing paper out here to burn. If my dad didn’t care about five-year-old mildew-stained mail, then why should I give a shit?
I listened, hoping I might hear Gidget running and barking. Maybe she’d lead Nina out here to me so I could try pleading my case again. Even though I’d eaten dinner, my gut felt cold and empty. God, I was pathetic. She was just a girl. There were other girls out there. A small voice in my head pointed out that the other girls probably wouldn’t try to feed me every time I came over or give me loaves of homemade banana bread. They wouldn’t hide out with me during rainstorms reading Harry Potter out loud. Nina was different. I’d never met a girl like her before, and I probably never would again.
My cell buzzed. I checked the text and was slightly disappointed when I saw it was from Charlie. He and Matt were going to grab something to eat if I wanted to meet them. I texted back a quick No thanks, and then stared at my phone, willing Nina to text me. Of course, that didn’t happen. There had to be something I could do to show her how sorry I was.
…
Monday morning, Mr. Grant made the official announcement that the pro-recycling petition had more signatures than the one to keep the library open. The political powers-that-be felt the same say, so the Hilmer Library would become a recycling center, which meant people would have to drive forty minutes to the library, if they wanted to borrow books. That was one more reason for Nina to be mad at me, even though I couldn’t do anything to make that situation better.
At lunch, I Googled traveling libraries to see if there were any groups who shuttled books around to towns who didn’t have their own libraries. There were, but Greenbrier didn’t qualify for services. There had to be something else I could do. And then I had an idea.
