Jake shook that as well. Or else he might be turning his truck around and heading back to Wisconsin. He didn't wish to see the big picture, which was, he couldn't afford her. She was well beyond his means. He realized that her furniture, paintings on the walls, clothing, jewelry, all of it, more than likely added up to what he earned in a year. Granted, he wasn't stupid enough to believe she'd accumulated it all at once. Nor did it pass his reasoning powers to grasp the fact, that the doctor no doubt gifted her with much of it.
A doctor.
Jake shook his head. He was trying to compete with a doctor. He wondered, was he still trying to get Vivian back? If Jake had to place his bets, it would be, yes... he was. After all, look at him. Swore three times or more not to come back, and where was he? In Chicago, on his way to her place now, to wait for her to get off of work. She was the type of woman, that you couldn't just sample and then walk away. Nor was he the type of man that could sample something so deliciously sweet, turn his back, and not long for another bite, another sample.
Jake also realized something else. He couldn't keep coming back to her like this, without it meaning to go somewhere. He knew that he needed to make up his mind and decide once and for all, did her want her, or not? The answer was YES! He did want her. Like he'd never wanted anything, but - for good? Forever? For... marriage?
"I want, marriage, babies ... two or three. Permanence, stability, and something real and lasting. I thought, crazy as it may seem, you were the one."
Vivian's words came to him then. He knew what she wanted. Had he not last night, laid in bed at Shawn's, coveting what he had? Wishing he too could be the head of something so wonderful, as what Shawn has. With a woman, made for him, by his side? Yes, he had. Jake knew he needed to come to terms with himself, once and for all. Which way was his life was going to be? Either he was going to continue on living as he was, and stop trying to live up to matching Shawn, or - he was going to grow up.
How many times had people thrown those two words at him?
His mom and dad, "Jake - GROW UP!"
Shawn, "Jake - you need to fuckin' grow up!"
Shanna, "When you gonna grow up, Jake?"
Kathy Ann, when fighting with her, "You freakin' retard, you'll never grow up!"
Christine, "God, Jake! I'm having your baby, again... when are you gonna grow up!?"
Doris, "You're never gonna grow up, are you, Jake?"
Derrick, "Jake, whether you want it to or not, life, something or someone, is going to demand, that you grow up. So go ahead, run while you can, run while you can."
In her own way, Vivian had said the same thing, "..... You're just a little boy. When you're ready to be a man... come back and see me, then."
"In other words, when I've grown up." Jake muttered to himself at a red light. "Hmph, so billy-boy, what's it gonna be? Man time? Or, Peter Pan forever?" He asked himself. Once again, he saw the number 39 bold and true in his mind's eye, gradually it began to fade, and in its place, growing more vivid and bright, the number 40. He envisioned himself at 50, still carrying on as he did, driving something new, trying to project a youth that no one was foolish enough to believe, and trying to get a woman. Perhaps he would still be successful. Even then, he imagined himself, laying beside one, broken and dreaming of the one that got away.
Vivian.
Dreaming of the life that could have been, if he'd only been willing, to grow up.
Jake raked his fingers through his hair. His stomach gripped him tightly, and his heart speeded up, giving him breathless palpitations. That was the problem. That was the reason that no matter how many times he threatened her that he wasn't coming back, he would be back. Because - he couldn't let her get away. He couldn't stomach the idea of losing her to someone else. He couldn't shake a fear that had suddenly materialized within him. A fear he'd never known before, with any woman. A fear of losing...her!
Jake finally pulled up in front of her place, to wait for her to get home. He wished he knew the way she traveled, he would be there to meet her. Having gone through all the thoughts and revelations running through his mind, he really needed to see her now. He wanted to grab her hands, pull her to him and kiss her before she spoke. Before she challenged his presence. Sitting and waiting, tears came to his eyes, he didn't know how or why it happened, but the fact was... there was a chance he was in love with her.
He was beginning to admit it to himself. Why else was he unable to stay away? He didn't believe for a moment that it was just because he needed to sleep with her. In fact, he had a feeling that once he did, he'd never want to leave her side. Dread washed over him. Funny how now that the word love was popping up into his head, all the little things it was bringing along with it. All the little thoughts and worries. Like the size of him.
Jake knew he'd been pushing to go to bed with her, but now... now that he was coming to terms with the way he felt, an overwhelming protectiveness was surfacing. One that made him even screen himself. He'd been intimate enough with her to know, that there was a strong possibility, she would not be able to take him on. How many women had wanted him so badly, and once they had him, never wanted to sleep with him again. Because he'd hurt them. It's something he'd never discussed with anyone. Something he'd never shared. Men with less, thought they wanted more. They hadn't a clue. In fact, he envied them. In the throes of intercourse, sensations become so overwhelming, that a man wants to bury himself totally and completely within the warmth and moist heat of a woman. A man who is average, or even below average can. For him to do so, takes a woman who can handle the entire length of him. Of all the ones he went to bed with, only so many could take all of him. Doris could. THATwas one of the reasons he stayed with her. He could lose himself within her and she could take it, without complaint. In fact, most of the women he went with were either overweight, or really big. His preference was hefty women. He could lay down with one of them, and the extra fullness of their thighs and figure, helped to compensate him and his length, bringing him a great deal of pleasure. He thought about Sheila. Had there been no Dennis, and he'd met her first, he would have gone for her. Definitely. Her plus size and features, he considered very attractive, sexy. However, there was a Dennis. Whom he liked a great deal. Sheila was definitely out of the question.
His next thought was of Edwina.
She thought she could handle him, until he completely freed himself and went full force. She'd been squealing and crying out, trying to back away from him, clearly in pain. Out of sympathy, he'd backed off a bit. He couldn't believe she went back and claimed that he'd raped her. She had been all for it until he'd penetrated, inserting his entire length and began pumping hard and fast, that's when her eyes grew huge, her head started shaking and finally started pushing at him to back off.
Jake groaned in misery.
Vivian.
Jake pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want, of all persons, to see that look of discomfort and fear cross her features. Right then and there, he wished he were average. Wished he could keep his width, and lose the length down to about 6 to 7 inches.
He could feel it in his gut. Vivian would not be able to handle him. She was small-boned. Tiny waist, and there, between her supple, firm thighs, tight as hell. She'd been real tight around his two middle fingers.
Jake dropped the thought and checked his watch. It was 4:30.
He wondered if Dennis was home yet? Or, if Sheila was there? He would wait a bit longer and if she didn't show up in the next fifteen minutes, he would run by their place and ask her route, maybe he'd be able to meet her.
During that fifteen minute wait, he thought about some other things. For instance, if they did end up together. A couple, and maybe... down the road, marriage; where would they live? Would she be willing to leave Chicago? Live in Wisconsin? She said she wanted at the very least, two kids. He wasn't about to agree to raising any child of his in Chicago, no way! He smiled, he wanted girls. He had boys, enough of them. He got alo
ng better with females, anyway. Again, as he'd thought before, what would girls by Vivian look like? Whatever they looked like, they would be beautiful. He laughed out loud, thinking of them. Hopefully there would be two, he would coach them, train them, give them all the appropriate lines to fend off boys that were anything like he use to be. He laughed at himself again. He figured they would be looking at him with big dark eyes, maybe brown skin, perhaps, light-brown, curly hair. He'd sit them on the sofa and train them to say their first line of defense, making them repeat it over and over until it became automatic. He would squat down in front of them, snapping his fingers, "Again..." He'd coach for them to repeat,
"My white daddy, say, kiss my black ass!" They would both repeat in their little girl voices.
Jake laughed and laughed, seeing their little heads go side to side, as black women were prone to do. His grinned on, thinking of other lines he'd teach them to say. He knew that if he had two little girls, he would never let them out of his sight. He would take them to school, the way Shawn took Angela. Difference being, he would be there to pick them up, as well. Eagle-eyeing for any trace of interest in them from boys. They wouldn't be able to pull anything on him. He knew all the tricks. Knew all the lines. Knew all the looks. All the types. When they were 21, then... then they could go un-chaperoned.
Jake shook his head, checking his watch again. No sign of Vivian. It was 4:50. He started his truck and headed for Sheila and Dennis' place.
He stood at the porch after knocking, and the door came open, Sheila looked up at him, surprised.
"JAKE! What? What are you doing here? I just walked in the door."
"Hey. I came down last night, uh... what time does Vivian usually get home from work?"
"Vivian? Home from work?" Sheila asked, still stunned to see him there.
"Yeah? What's wrong?"
"I'm just... I'm shocked... to see you here, that's all. Come on in."
"Well, not that I don't wanna come in... it's just that I wanna catch Vivian. What time does she get home? What bus or route does she take? I went by early this morning to catch her, but there was no answer at her door."
"There wouldn't have been, she was here, Jake." Sheila informed him.
"Here? That early? Why? She staying here?"
"Come in." Sheila invited a second time, stepping back to let him pass. Right away, he could tell something was wrong, his gut twisted.
Chapter 152
"What's wrong? What's going on? Where's Vivian?!" Jake asked, feeling panicked, as he followed Sheila into the kitchen.
Sheila made it to her kitchen counter and turned, leaning against it, staring at Jake. "Yesterday, when Vivian came home from work, someone attacked her-..."
"WHAT?!?! OH MY GOD!?! WHAT?!! WHEN?!" Tears rushed to Jake's eyes so fast, with the swift kick to his stomach, he felt weak. He went back and stumbled into one of Sheila's kitchen chairs, his heart beating like mad in his chest.
"Calm down, calm down... let me finish!" Sheila coaxed, the look on his face right then and there, told her all she needed to know.
"Where is she? Is she okay? Oh my God... please, please, please." Jake pleaded, his face was red, growing more so as the moments of waiting increased.
"Jake! Calm down. She's okay. Whoever it was, pushed her down, snatched her purse and ran off. She fell on a piece of glass-..."
Just then, Dennis made it home from work, and walked into the kitchen from the back door; he never used the front door, because he was usually covered in concrete powder, gravel, or grit. Jake and Sheila both looked towards him, one look at Jake's face and he knew what was going on.
"Dennis - man, what the fuck is going on? I come down here, and find out Vivian's been attacked?"
"If you would calm down a minute, I was trying to explain what happened." Sheila tried to reason with him.
"First thing, man, calm down. Second thing, she's okay."
"Where is she?" Jake asked, looking from Dennis to Sheila.
Dennis glanced at Sheila, wondering what had Vivian planned. Neither of them had expected for Jake to suddenly pop up.
Jake stood up, "Look... don't do this today. All bullshit aside, no games, okay? Where is she?"
Dennis turned back to Jake, "She needed to get away from here. She went to Wisconsin."
"Wisconsin? Sylvia's?" He asked.
"No... she uh, talked to your dad last night. If I'm right, he told her to come there. They sent for her, she on her way there. She took Amtrak."
Jake stood stunned, his mind scattered and unable to think clearly, and finally he said, "She should have called me! I would have come and got her! That's all she had to do, was call me!"
Sheila looked at him like he was crazy. "Jake? Why would she call you? You lead her to believe that there was nothing between you two."
"If she believed that, why is she on her way to my parent's?" He asked, breathing hard.
"Because your mother told her, if she ever needed to get away from here... ever, she was more than welcome to come there. Vivian would have never gone, however, she was so upset, worked up over what happened to her, she took her up on it. It really scared her, shook her up. I don't think she planned for you to know, after all - you're staying with Shawn." Sheila explained.
Jake's jaw clenched tight, as an image of her being attacked hit him full force. Imagining how far it could have gone. What might have happened to her there. There was no way he could hide the fear in his face, or block them from seeing the tears in his eyes.
"I'm telling you both now... when it comes to anything with her - call me! I don't give a shit what she tells you! She doesn't know me! She hasn't a clue about me! There is no way in hell, I would let anyone hurt her! I don't give a damn if we're together or not!" Jake stood a moment, unsure of what to do next, suddenly he thought to ask, "Is that doctor still messing with her?" This to Sheila, not Dennis, because he knew that Sheila would know.
"Still messing with her?! He ain't never stopped! That's another reason she was so upset, he was up at her job two days in a row, and yesterday! Begging her to take him back."
"Well, he can forget that shit! He'll get her back over my dead body!"
"Man, sit down and chill for a minute. You here now." Dennis invited. "I'm gone hop in the shower right fast, get all this shit off o' me. I'll be with you in a minute."
Jake sat down, his elbows on his knees, hands together, fingers laced as he stared towards the floor, realizing, playtime was over. It was time for him to start making changes, there was no more choices for him to make, she was his. Period. He wanted her for him, and no one like Dr. Chan was taking her from him. Maybe he was a few steps down from what she deserved in a man, he knew now... he was certain, that he loved her. He couldn't help thinking of the what-ifs... what if that person who attacked her - had wanted more from her than just her purse. His hands came to his face, moving over it in a washing motion. He sniffed and dug into his eyes.
Sheila quietly observed him, stunned by what she was seeing.
"Hey?" She called him.
He looked up at her.
"Do you love her?"
Jake sniffed, looking at the floor, his heart pounding in his chest, it just wouldn't stop. He thought about all the reasons why he was stupid for loving her, "I don't make the kind of money she probably needs me to make."
"I ain't ask you how much money you make! Did you hear me ask you that?"
"No." Jake answered, coupled with a shake of his head. "She's... just a... lil' girl - you know that?" He asked, looking up at Sheila.
"She a grown woman, Jake. One that has always known what she wants, and has gone for it."
Jake shook his head, muttering a sad chuckle, "And why... why does she want me, Sheila?"
"Only she can tell you that."
"Does she love me?"
"What do you think?"
"We haven't really known each other that long."
"I didn't know there was a rule on how much time two people were suppose
d to know each other, before they knew they were in love." She reasoned, "How much time do you figure one needs, before they should know?"
Jake shrugged, "Never been in love before, I wouldn't know."
"Never been in love before? Meaning ... in love now?"
Jake sat back against the wall, stretching his legs out before him, interlacing his fingers on top of his head, blowing out a deep and long breath. "You know..." He swallowed, feeling tears come to his eyes again. "Loving someone, is not a little thing. I mean... all kinds of things come with it... you know what I'm saying? I - there's certain things in life, I - I don't do well, Sheila. I mean... hell... I don't know what I mean." He looked away from her towards the back door.
"It scares you that bad, huh?"
Jake looked back at Sheila and didn't try to wipe his streaming tears, "Sheila, I'm the family guaranteed fuck up. That's me. When it comes to screwing something up, you better believe, I'm behind it. No one - I mean no one - expects more from me, than what I give. My mother loves me, my father - well - he tolerates me. Great disappointment to him. People that you love ... can - hurt you." Jake stood up and walked out of her kitchen, outside.
Sheila stood in disbelief as she realized, he was more than scared of it, he was terrified of it. She went to her back door, looking at the back of him. He was leaning on her porch rail looking out over her backyard, at the garage.
He was standing there, thinking of how much he wanted his father to love him. How much he'd wanted Shawn to love him. The only persons he seemed to attract to him, were women. His mother and sisters pulled him in; but he'd always needed more than them. Somehow, his life set up a cycle of doing things that made men reject him as a friend, while at the same time, collecting as many women as he could to adore him, dote on him, dream of him, love him. The only ones that he loved back, were his sisters and mother. As for all other women, he needed them to adore him. Once they did, once he went to bed with them, he was done with them and needed to move on to another, to restart the cycle all over again. That's why being rejected by Sylvia was such a shock to his system. She was different. She was new. She was what his mother wanted. She was Shawn's... so he wanted her. He wanted her to rub that in his brother's face, that way Shawn could feel a bit of the pain he always felt in not being good enough for him or his father.
BOMAW 7-9 Page 4
