"You know what, ma - I don't even wanna get into it. 'Cause no matter what I say, I'm gone be wrong."
"You know why that is - because you probably are! I wanna know what you said to Shawn down in that basement, before I came down those steps! And don't tell me, nothing, because I could see the look on your face, and the way he was acting."
"Look - he married you! He ain't marry me! All o'sudden, he all up in my face, tryin' to be my daddy! He ain't my father! And I don't need him telling me what to do!"
"Ain't this - some - shit! You got - more nerve - than a goddamn - brass, funky - broke ass monkey! You didn't mind him steppin' up to the plate and being daddy - when he was paying off your goddamn school loan! When he was paying what you owe, to whomever it was you owed it to! When he was pealing off to purchase all that goddamn DJ equipment! When he was paying for you to go to school this coming semester - goddammit! Yeah - it was all - papa-Shawn this, and papa-Shawn that! Cruising up in that Blazer out there! Papa-Shawn - papa-Shawn! It was all good then!"
"I ain't ask him for nothin'! He did that on his own!"
"I see, and now you feel like you owe. That's the shit you don't need - return of compensation. Struggling with having to show any appreciation! My poor son... he do you wrong, don't he, baby?" Sylvia softened her tone, using one as if she were talking to a little boy who's side she was on, instead of a young man. "Who the hell he think he is, huh, baby? I mean, making my lil' boy, cut the grass, and - do stuff around here, as if you're a member of his family - stupid-ass white man! Steppin' up in here like he runnin' something. Making my boy do things that just ain't right. I mean - why should you be expected to live by rules in this home? Why should you be expected to pitch in and help? Why should you be required to consider the blessings of what it means to be part of a family, and do your part? Why that's just wrong! How dare he try to force my lil' boy - to behave like a man! Mama here for you, baby - why you're just a little boy - we can't be expecting you to see things from a mature point of view. Doggone it - you're not ready for that yet - to focus on the important things in life - like supporting your family. You still that lil' boy, mama's titty baby - why, you still needin' us to do all for you - you ain't ready yet, my baby-boy, to put anything back into the family. Right now, you just in take mode - later on - when you grow up - you give then... right? Mama understand." She finished, glaring at him.
Mundo stood quiet, staring back at her.
They stood a moment, waiting. Sylvia finally said, back in her original tone, "I don't want you - to have to owe me - or that man in that house, anything - Armundo Edgar Payne Junior. Nothing. So, I tell you what. In the morning, I will go to the bank, withdraw from it the amount you originally paid him back, for the equipment he purchased for you, and put that back in your hand. I will then collect the keys to the Blazer, and will write off all other debts. You know - all the rest. You can then, take that money, call your friends - whomever they might be, that you're more interested in impressing and showing care for, and have them pick you up. I don't want you living here, and feeling - obligated - to do anything for us. You understand me? If you cannot find it within your heart, and there is nothing that motivates you to reason within your head - that we are for once - truly - a family - and each one has a part ... if there is nothing - in you that can arrive to that conclusion... then gather up all your shit - all of it - and get the hell - outa my house!" Sylvia had tears in her eyes, because she knew that her child, her son, had hurt Shawn - when all he'd tried to do, was be a father to him.
"You got your high ass in my house, with the nerve to cop an attitude - because he's telling you what's right?! No - he's not your father, and yet, that fact hasn't stopped him from giving you what you need. If you can do better for yourself, my son -without all the extra, as you call it - shit - we must be giving you - go do better for yourself, my son. I want that for you."
Sylvia stood a few minutes more, and wiped her streaming tears. "You hurt him, Mundo and you don't even care, you so high."
She was wrong, Mundo's hands went to his face, covering it, then rubbed up over the top of his head, pulling his dreds back. He did care, because it was now hurting him, that the deed was done.
"What do you want, Mundo? Tell me now. I need to know. I can't have the man that married me, daring to include my children as well. Especially one that doesn't wish to be included. You wanna-..."
"Will you stop a minute, mama! Just - stop!"
Sylvia realized then, that her son was crying. She stopped, watching him struggle, and waited.
"I'm not used to nobody like him, mama. I'm not used to no daddy, even though I had a father. And I'ain' mean no harm by what I said - he just - ..."
"What?"
"He carry on like he really my daddy - and - he ain't."
"I see. I'll talk to him about it. I'll tell him to back off, leave you alone... okay."
"No! I don't want you to do that!"
"Then, what do you want?"
"I just want - some room to breathe."
"Mundo - I'm sorry - you got plenty of room to breathe! When you owed everybody and they mother, that - was when there was no room to breathe! Ducking and dodging people you owe! Relying on others, borrowing equipment, and then leaving it to be stolen. The list goes on, son, then - you had no room to breathe. Don't for a moment, think that I don't know. Your sister and I talk all the time. Shawn - Mundo, has given you room to breathe. Now, you just wanna run like crazy - with this newfound freedom, and if he tells you slow down, you have a family - we need you to participate, you wanna throw it in his face and say, you ain't my daddy!"
Sylvia shook her head, "Give me one instance, where he's talked to you wrong, done something to you that was wrong, or burdened you with more than was your due, and I will leave you alone and set him straight. You know I will. You are my son, and I love you with everything in me. I will let no one, do you wrong... you know that, don't you?"
Mundo's head hung, swallowing, and nodded.
"Can you give me one - just one instance?"
He shook his head, wiped his hand over his face to dry tears, feeling ashamed of himself.
"Grow up, Mundo, grow up. When you do, I pray, that you are your own man, and one to be proud of; and not your father's son. In the meantime, what do you want?"
Mundo looked up at his mother, "I want... you - to love me - like you do Crystal. I want you - to look at me, with pride, the way you look at her. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, mama, but - even so, I love you."
Sylvia grabbed him and hugged him to her, his head on her shoulder, "Boy..." Tears were rolling from her eyes, "... you are my son-..."
"But you - you don't like me, mama - you don't like me." He squeezed her tightly to him, needing so badly to have her look at him with eyes of pride, instead of narrowed with accusation. Sylvia sniffed and wiped at her eyes, because as much as it hurt to admit it to herself, he was right. She didn't like him. She loved him, but she was always waiting for him to turn out like his father. Waiting for him to be a reproduction of him. Preparing herself for the day, when she would get that phone call about him. That he was in jail, or beat up for messing with the wrong people, or dead. She lowered her heels to the ground, and pulled her son's head back from her shoulder, looking up into his wet face. Using her thumbs, she wiped at the streams of tears. Speaking softly, with so much regret, she ordered, "Look at me."
He struggled, ashamed of crying. He sniffed, using his shirtsleeve to wipe it, and then looked at his mother.
"You look just like me, boy." She chuckled, then sniffed as well. "I'm sorry. I'm sosorry. I am truly guilty - and wrong... so wrong - for making you feel this way. Instead of taking pride in all the wonderful things about you - I kept looking for what was wrong. Fact is, there's nothing wrong with you. But - I'm just - so scared to thrust that. Fact is, you're a good-looking, funny, talented, incredibly smart, young black man. You've never been in any serious trouble..."
"Well - nothing that you know abou
t." He added for humor.
Sylvia laughed. "Now see - I'm trying, don't get me to thinking I should be worried about something." She wiped at his face again, and dropped her hands from it. He sniffed and grinned at her, then smiled. He had a beautiful, bright smile, very infectious. Sylvia returned it, displaying the same smile. "Do you want me to talk to Shawn, and tell-..."
"No! No! Please, don't... please don't. Don't."
They stopped again, staring.
"How do we fix this baby? How? I love you, and I love him. What hurts you, hurts me. What hurts him, hurts me. How do we make this work?"
Mundo sniffed, wiped his hand across his face, no longer high, shaking his head, spinning in regret, thinking, "I wish he had been my father, my daddy - from the beginning, for real." He murmured softly.
"I didn't do so well choosing the other one, did I, son? He was a lousy father to you."
"Don't matter now. But - I guess, better late than never... right?"
"I hope so. I sure hope so. What do you want Mundo?"
Mundo stared into his mother's eyes, taking several deep breaths, stood and took one last one, "Let's go in."
"And Shawn, Mundo?"
"You love Shawn, mama ... so do I - trust me, okay?"
She caressed his cheek, tugged his ear, "Okay."
When they walked into the basement, Shawn was almost done cleaning the kitchen. The table was wiped clean. The garbage bag was pulled from the hidden bin under the counter and tied up to go outside, and he was drying the pots and putting them away with the dishes draining.
Sylvia stopped in the center of the basement looking at his back. He was quiet, wouldn't turn their way even though he knew they were back in the basement now. Sylvia looked up at her son, who's hands were on top of his head again, fingers laced.
"I'm going up to bed now, Shawn, you can leave that..."
Mundo stopped her, grabbing her arm. She looked up at him, and he shook his head. He didn't want Shawn going up to bed yet. Sylvia looked back to him; as it was - he wasn't saying anything. Just continued on cleaning up. She sighed and turned away from Mundo, heading for the stairs, stopped at the bottom of them, to look at her husband's back again. He carried on without a word. Exhaling, she made her way up the stairs to their bedroom.
Mundo stood where his mother left him.
"Eh, man, papa-Shawn - I was ... I was gone come and do that."
"Don't worry about it - I'm almost done. Head on off to bed, lock the door behind you."
Mundo stood, not knowing what to do. Feeling awkward, his face burning, he stepped over and picked up the bag of garbage and turned to take it outside to their curb bins. When he returned, Shawn was no longer in the kitchen. He blew out a deep breath, hoping he hadn't gone up to bed. As he stepped further into the kitchen, he saw the light from Shawn's office on. He shuffled to the door, his high blown. He was stone-cold sober now.
Shawn was sitting at his drafting table, working on a drawing that he'd started, once it was completed, he would take a picture of it with his digital camera and finish it on his computer.
Mundo gulped, blew from his mouth and with a pounding heart started, "I thought - maybe - you know - you mighta - gone up to bed, it bein' kinda late."
"Naw, I'll sit here and work a bit longer. I have a lot to catch up on."
"With your book covers and stuff - right?" Mundo gulped again, feeling emotional because he knew he was talking nonsense, but he couldn't just leave things as they were. He hated what he'd done. What he'd said. This man had done nothing but extend himself to them. To them all - especially him. He stood with his hands on his head, fighting back tears.
"Yeah." Shawn answered simply.
"Like tomorrow... you should just focus on work here - and, uh - I, uh - I got yo' back, man. I'll take care of all the other stuff - you know, like - moving er'body and thangs. Gettin' us set up here - so - you ain't got to worry - you know. You can just - get caught up on yo' shit... yo' stuff - I mean."
"No... it's not necessary, Mundo - do whatever you want. I'll get things done, don't wor-..."
"Man - don't be like that, man! You think this easy for me? Man - I'm all fucked up - you know? I got shit - goin' on in my head - that ain't - all that funny! You know? I get high - 'cause sometimes - I just wanna laugh. I just wanna laugh and not stop! I'on wanna think about shit - I'on even wanna - deal - you know? I just wanna laugh - 'cause a man ain't suppose - to cry. You know?"
Shawn turned on his stool and looked at him. "I know." He returned softly.
Mundo blew out and wiped his hand over his face, clearing it. Digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets to stop the flow. He kept taking deep breaths to calm himself. He finally stopped and looked at Shawn. "I'm sorry."
"So am I. I have to realize and get it in my head, that I am truly - not your father. And no matter how badly I long to be, it just ain't so, as tonight reminded me."
"Man... that was bullshit! I just told you, I'm all fucked up in the head sometimes! Maybe I wouldn't be, if you had been my father - you know?"
"Well...maybe. I'm not perfect, either." Shawn stated, looking down at the pencil in his hand. He looked up at the young man before him and said from deep within him, fighting his own emotions, "Mundo, I need - you - not to be as foolish - as I once was. Son ... you haven't a clue. There are things..." Shawn stopped, cleared his throat. "... there are things, one can do - and once done - cannot - be undone. Mundo - don't lay traps for yourself, and fall into them. I'm telling you, this may sound crazy to you, but right now - you are building your past. One day, you'll be my age, and you'll look back - make sure that what you see, makes you proud - and doesn't come back on you - and - doesn't make you ashamed. Make sure, that what you see, is not - too muchregret. It's a bitch to live with. Fuck up now - and you will later - share your life - with ghosts. You see, spiritism and conjuring up the dead, and haunted houses... that's all bullshit! You wanna know what ghosts really are?" Shawn asked, standing from his stool, walking to Mundo... unaware of the tears now streaming down his own face.
Mundo remained quiet, he gulped, stunned, letting him speak.
Shawn tapped his head, grinding his jaw, the veins stood out across his forehead and down his neck, as his Adam's apple bobbed from swallowing. He was trying to talk, but was too choked up to get it out, pressing his index and middle finger to his head. Mundo stood within a foot of him, watching his hazel-blue eyes flood with tears, as they reddened.
"Ghosts - are - things, and people from your past - that you've - somehow - someway - fucked over - destroyed - because of your foolishness. Ghosts... can be - still alive, just as well as dead. Even alive, that person, can still haunt you, here..." Shawn paused, feeling his chest burn, "... and then others - others - the dead ones..." Shawn paused again, afraid he might start weeping, "...see - my ghosts, my ghosts - he's dead ... so I can't ... I can't ... I can't go back ... know what I'm saying?"
Mundo nodded quick, his own eyes filled once again.
"... I wanna go back, but - I can't - I can't make it right..." Shawn ground down on his teeth so hard, it felt they may shatter from the force of him trying not to sob. Afraid of losing it in front of him, he charged past Mundo out the door and snatched his keys from the hook, and rushed out the basement door.
"Papa-Shawn..?" Mundo turned, following him. "Come on, man, don't leave-..." The door slammed.
Mundo ran to it, snatching it open and rushed out behind him. Shawn was already across the road, going into his garage. Mundo didn't know what to do, as he rushed out into the road, calling for Shawn. "Come on, man... come on!" Mundo rushed to the garage, but one of the big doors opened and Shawn shot out on his motorcycle, laying low, across the lawn, onto the road at top speed, no helmet on, and was gone.
"Oh, man... oh, man ... oh, man..." Mundo bent over, feeling his stomach hurt.
Across the road, the front door opened, his mother stood in the doorway calling him.
"MUNDO!?"
He loo
ked over the road at her and then made his way to her, approaching the stairs and looking up at her. "
Where's Shawn?" Sylvia asked.
"He..." Mundo sniffed, "... he took off on his motorcycle, mama."
"What?! WHY?!"
"I'on know - I told him I was sorry, but - he started goin' on about regrets - and ghosts and - ma - he was really trippin'! I ain't never seen him like that before."
"So he just left? On his motorcycle, at this time of night?!" Sylvia asked in a panic.
Mundo could only nod.
"Did he have his cell phone on him?"
"I doubt it."
Sylvia turned in the door, leaning back against it with her head laid back, her hand on top of her head, covering part of the scarf she wore, "Oh, Jesus, please - don't let my husband crash that bike... please."
"Mama, what you want me to do? Want me to go look for him?"
She looked down at her son, then shook her head. "No ... he could be anywhere."
"Mama, I didn't mean for this to happen, I love Shawn. Man... I just-..."
"Mundo ... it's not your fault, baby. You are not responsible for the things wrong with him."
Sylvia came out and sat on the porch, she patted the spot next to her, Mundo sat beside her.
They both sat quiet a spell, the moon was out. Sylvia pulled her son close to her, grabbing his head, she pulled it down and kissed his brow. "Mama, we can't just sit here. If I hadn't been acting a fool, said what I did-..."
"Stop it, Mundo. Baby, you're growing up, you're supposed to be allowed a few errors in life - if you learn from it, it's supposed to make you wise. So I'm not about to sit here, and let you blame yourself. Shawn - is a grown man - sometimes." She said in thought, rubbing her son's shoulder and hugging him close as they sat.
"What's going on?" Angela asked from the doorway. "My dad leave?"
Sylvia and Mundo turned back to look at her. Sylvia gestured with her head for her to join them, she patted the space on her other side. Angela, wearing her P.Js and on bare feet, padded gingerly out onto the porch and sat next to Sylvia, who immediately put her other arm around her. Pulling Angela close for a hug and a kiss to her brow as well.
BOMAW 7-9 Page 24
