Derrick took a deep breath, dried his hands and left the bathroom. He could hear the pool balls clacking on the table. Dennis and Shawn were in the middle of a game. Jake was behind the bar, pouring himself a beer. Derrick stopped beside the bar, looked to his left at his little brother, and said something that made him freeze in shock.
"Pour me one, will you?"
Jake stood with his mouth dropped open, pouring his beer and let it overfill, flowing out on his fingers. "Shit!" He gasped, correcting the bottle and wiping up the bar. Looking from the mess he made to his older brother, Derrick, still stunned. "Shawn!?" Jake called out to him. Shawn was bent over the table, lining up a shot, he was fully concentrating on making the corner pocket. With just the right motion and thrust of his stick, he hit the cue ball with enough power to send it into the lower numbered ball, which was his target, and it rolled into his intended hole.
"Damn!" Dennis exclaimed, taking a sip out of his beer as he watched Shawn walk around the table, spying for another shot.
"SHAWN!" Jake called again.
"Just pour me a beer, Jake! I don't need an audience." Derrick grumbled, leaning against the bar.
This time Shawn paid attention, and his reaction was the same as Jake's. "You're having a beer?" He asked Derrick, obviously surprised.
"Yes... I am, anything wrong with that? I am of age, you know." He defended himself.
Shawn was looking at Derrick, then at Jake, who was looking at him with wide eyes, and doing what Derrick told him, and poured him one. Searching Shawn's expression, as if waiting for the final word from him, even though he was pouring the beer. Dennis looked from one to the other, wondering what was such a big deal about Derrick wanting a beer.
"Eh, ya'll? What's up?"
Shawn looked from Derrick, to Jake, and then to Dennis. "I don't know, but something's up." Shawn informed him, and then turned back to Derrick, "What's up, Derrick?"
"What!? I'm just having a beer! No big deal, right?" He looked at Jake, who said, "You - drinkin' a beer!? I don't know about Shawn, but in my book, that's a big deal!"
"Well, trust me, it's not!" Derrick stated, picked it up and downed the entire contents right before their eyes. Taking a deep breath, following a gasp and belch, he sat it down and told Jake, "Fill it again."
Shawn looked at Dennis, and then back at Jake, who once again was looking at him as to what to do. Shawn nodded his head, giving permission to fill it again. Derrick now had their undivided attention. "Finish your game and stop staring at me, Shawn." Derrick instructed.
Shawn turned to Dennis, who's eyes were wide, wondering what was about to happen. Because of the way they were acting, he was wondering if he needed to grab his wife and get the heck up out of there. "What's going on, ya'll, everything okay?" Dennis asked, testing the waters.
"Everything's fine, everything's fine... please, guys, go on, finish your game." Derrick urged once again, taking the second beer, and drinking it a bit slower, but still, he finished it before Jake could even manage to focus on his own, so stunned was he. Seeing Derrick this way, brought all the feelings they had for each other to the surface in Jake. He looked to Shawn, being the oldest, to fix what was wrong with Derrick.
Shawn hesitated. "Would you rather we all just - sat around - and talked, Derrick?"
"Maybe after I've had a few beers, finish your game." He nodded with a gesture towards the table.
Shawn turned back to Dennis, "Well... let's finish the game."
"Man, we ain't gotta finish the game, you was kickin' my ass, anyway. As you can tell, I haven't played much pool in my life." Dennis laid his stick on the table and walked to the bar, he'd finished his beer, "Jake, pour me another one. 'Cause I'm gone have to go up them stairs and listen at what them women talkin' in a minute! You should'ah heard'em earlier, they was all laughing they ass off about something. Then I come in the door, they got all quiet and shit! That only mean one thing! They probably talkin' bout yo'ass!"
"My ass!?" Derrick asked, a bit paranoid. Because he never drank, in no time at all, the alcohol was getting to him.
"Na-a-aw, man, not your ass - per se - but men! Men's asses, all of us. You can tell! Shawn, they was laughing like a mug! Sylvia was cryin', she was laughing so hard! I'on trust no shit like that."
Shawn and Jake started laughing at the look on his face.
"Ya'll laughing an' shit! But I'm gone tell you now, you can't let too many black women get together in a room, runnin' they goddamn mouth! They scandalous ass! Ya'll ain't got the experience with'em like I have - I'm tellin' you - they be talkin' 'bout shit they know they ain't got no goddamn business talkin' bout! 'Specially my wife! She be the leader - stirrin' up shit! She can get shit goin', where there's no shit to be found! I'm tellin' yah, now! When black women get together, you just gotta show up on they ass! Just leap into the room on they ass! Give'em the evil eye! They all get quiet ... I'm fix'in'ta go do it now. Just show up. Pour my beer, man, I be right back! This what keep'im from talkin' bout shit they ain't got no business, 'cause they don't know when yo'ass gone pop up! Ya'll pay attention, learn somethin', see, white men ain't use to this kind'ah shit, ya'll ain't equipped to deal with a whole lot of black women at once! Listen to a brother, 'cause I won't steer you wrong."
Derrick was smiling, chuckling, and looking at Shawn and Jake laugh until they were folded over. All he could think about was, 'What were they talking about? Would Meribel talk to them? Perhaps about his problem?' Derrick shook his head, now for sure he had to get some help. The last thing he wanted, was his wife desperately seeking help from women. When it was a problem he felt he needed to handle, and tonight, one way or the other, he made up his mind, things were going to change between them.
When Dennis opened the basement door, Shawn2 dashed by him, needing to use the bathroom. "'Scuse me!" He blazed, flying down the stairs.
"That's okay, lil' man." Dennis replied and looked over at the women. Sure enough, they were staring at him all quiet. They had just been laughing and talking a second ago. He gave them the evil eye. They all stared at him, as he slowly made his way towards the hall and the bathroom there; his excuse for coming up. Sylvia had to look the other way, she couldn't control her laughter. Vivian's eyes were red from cracking up at Sheila's stories. Shanna was on the floor, looking harassed and high, drunk from laughter.
His eyes narrowed even more.
"Dennis, what you want, now?" Sheila asked, grinning.
"Don't worry 'bout what I want!" He thrust a hand up, pointing it at her, then aimed it at the other women. "Don't know when we gone pop up! I know ya! I know er'one o'y'all! Em-hm." He threatened, nodding his head and went slowly into the bathroom. As soon as he closed the door, the women started laughing and talking again.
Fifteen minutes later, he was back in the basement with the men. When he returned, Jake was reclining on the love seat, Shawn was half sitting on the stool at the bar, and Derrick was in the chair across from Jake. Dennis decided to sit by Jake. "Ya'll pay attention to that? You hear'em get quiet? You know why that is, don't you? They talkin' about men! And they talkin' 'bout sex!"
"Sex?!" Derrick blurted, stunned.
"Sex! That's all they wanna talk about! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! Shopping! Somebody else business! And sex! That's it! That's the gist of they conversations!" Dennis informed them.
"Nooo, really? You think they are?" Derrick asked, then took another sip from his third beer.
"Derrick, of course they do! They always talk about it! Even when we were in school, they talked about it! Where do you think my reputation came from?" Jake grinned.
"You got a reputation?" Dennis asked him.
Jake grinned, and Shawn shook his head, "The little bastard, had the worst ever! Fucker screwed all of my girlfriends!" Shawn grumbled the fact.
"What?!" Dennis gasped, then looked at Derrick, who had a loose grin on his face and nodded that it was true.
"Not all of them, Shawn!" Jake denied.
"Damn liar! E
very one! And frankly speaking, I'd like to know how the hell you did it?" Shawn asked.
Jake gave a devilish snicker, remembering back and started laughing to himself. "You know how I did it?" He asked Shawn, smiling big.
"No! But I'd like to."
Jake sighed, shaking his head, "I don't know if I should be sharing my secret with you guys! I guess it really doesn't matter, though, seeing as how we're all beyond the age where it will work anyway."
"Spill it! I gots to hear this shit!" Dennis leaned forward to get the full details.
"Well, Dennis - you may not know this about my brother, but he was the area tough guy when we were growing up. He kicked asses coming and going."
"Don't exaggerate, Jake!" Shawn defended himself.
"Derrick?!" Jake called to him for confirmation.
Derrick nodded his head, "You did, Shawn. He was mean as hell, Dennis."
"M'man Shawn was mean? I can't believe it."
"Believe it! Anyway, not only did he kick asses at school, he often kicked my ass!"
Dennis started laughing, "Aaah, man, that's messed up. Shawn, man, what was wrong with you?"
Shawn gave no answer, just shook his head and looked at Jake to continue.
"Well, one day, as I usually did, I took up following him. He didn't know this, you see, not always, anyway. And in the school football field, in the covered bleachers, he met this girl! And screwed the hell out of her, right under the bleacher! I could not believe my eyes!"
Shawn covered his face and shook his head, embarrassed.
"What?!" Dennis started laughing, "You got to be kidding me! How old was he?"
"Sixteen! I was not long thirteen. I cannot, for the life of me, remember her name. But I know she was hot! Well, this happened about three or more times."
"Now do you see why I used to kick his ass!?"
"Hey, big brother, you taught me everything you knew... then, that is." Jake grinned.
"I wanna know how you got them to give it up to you?At the age you were!" Shawn asked.
Jake grinned, rubbing his hands together. "Well, after seeing it for the fourth time, I thought - I wanna try that. So - that first girl you did, she, of course, knew that I was your little brother, and one day, I ruffed myself up a bit, and put myself where she would see me. And right away, she walks up to me, right? Saying, 'What happened to you?' I sniffed, wiped at fake tears and said, pitiful as hell, 'I'm thinking about running away from home'."
"WHAT?! You-...." Shawn blasted, laughing, Jake held up his hand, "Wait, it gets better. She said, 'Oh, nooo, don't do that, wh-y-y-y?' and I said, 'My - my brother, Shawn - he's - he's always beating me up. Calling me names - he - he calls me a little fucker - a little prick'."
Dennis was rolling, he laughed so hard, he almost rolled off the sofa, catching himself on the coffee table; the way Jake sounded, pretending like he was still that little boy. Derrick couldn't help himself, he was laughing too, and Shawn stood staring with his mouth open, trying not to laugh.
"'That Shawn! I can't believe he beats up on you!' She said, and I said, 'And - and he - he makes fun of me, too. Calls me names, says - no girl will ever like me - that - that I'll always be a virgin... forever... what's a virgin'? Jake was laughing so hard he had to stop, even Derrick was laughing now. Shawn could only shake his head, and then Jake went on, "She said, 'Well, we'll fix him, won't we? Don't you worry about what a virgin is, because after today, you won't be one. Come with me'. And I did! Man, let me tell you, it worked every time! They loved tutoring your lil' brother! Dennis, after that, I lost my virginity almost every other day! Older women, man, that's all I ever dealt with - easy pickin's!"
"That shit is too funny!" Dennis was wiping at his tears.
"Hey, you guys, I gotta joke for you." Jake began, sipping his beer.
"Let's hear it." Shawn coaxed.
"Okay, there's this elephant and a mouse, walking together through the jungle, when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large, that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out. So the mouse says, 'Hang on, I'll get something to drag you out with', and leaves. A little while later, the mouse returns driving a Porsche, and with a rope tied to the bumper bar, he drags the elephant out of the hole. The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle, when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole, and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole. And the moral of this story is, "If you dick is long enough, you don't need aPorsche!" Jake finished, and all three roared with laughter. Shawn followed him with one, he remembered one that Jesse told him years before, as they were coming down after laughing so hard.
"Okay, you guys, I've always remembered this, it's one a friend of mine, Jesse, told me. This guy goes to a prostitute, and he asks, how much for full sex. She says, as she begins to undress, 'just leave five dollars on the table'. As the man proceeds to undress, unbuttoning his shirt, the prostitute breaks wind. The would-be customer is horrified and nauseated by the stink. Buttons his shirt up quickly, covers his nose, and dashes out, leaving the five dollars on the table. Thirty minutes later, another guy calls on the prostitute, and asks how much for sex. She says, 'Eh, leave five dollars on the table'. The prostitute again starts to undress, and almost immediately, lets go with another cabbage-like fart..."
Jake and Dennis were already laughing, Derrick was making faces, turning red, horrified by the thought, almost holding his own nose as Shawn continued.
"... the guy, hadn't even undone the top button of his shirt, when his nostrils were assaulted, just like the first guy, he rushes out, leaving the money behind. The prostitute thinks to herself, 'Emmm, easy way of making money'. Ten minutes later, a black guy calls on the prostitute, and asks, 'Hey, sweet thang, how much you charge t'take care'o'bidness'?!" Shawn said in a surprisingly accurate black manner. "Once again, the prostitute says, 'Eh, just put five dollars on the table', thinking to herself. 'I'll soon get rid of this guy. Oh easy money!' And immediately thrusts her butt up and blows a rotten-egg stink in the direction of her latest customer. But the guy ignores it completely and keeps undressing. The prostitute lets off another three or four times, just as the guy gets down to his briefs, seemingly, completely oblivious to the prostitute's smelly scam. Finally, she turns to the man, and asks, 'Hey!? Don't my farting bother you'?! To which the black guy replies, as he begins to remove his briefs, "He-e-ell naw! 'Cause when you see what I got for you, you gone shit yo'self'!"
All of them were laughing with tears rolling from their eyes, "Ah, hell na-a-aw! Where you hear that joke?!" Dennis laughed, asking Shawn. "An old friend of mine. He had me laughing all the time." Shawn confessed. "Yeah baby, I'm gone have to tell that one." He grinned knowing it was his turn. "Well, I got one, so brace yourself, cause I don't usually tell this one in the company of white folks, but I'm telling this one." Dennis prepared them. "Okay, a black man and his son are sitting on a plane and they overhear on the intercom, "I'm sorry passengers, but we have overloaded the plane, and will crash upon landing unless we lighten the load by giving certain passengers parachutes, to jump from the plane. We will need to start removing passengers in alphabetical order. So, will all African Americans and then Blacks, start lining up. The son looks up at his dad and asks, "Dad, why we still in our seats? Are we African American, or are we black?" The dad replies, through the corner of his mouth, "Quiet son, because for today, and just for today, we are niggers!"
Jake leaned forward laughing so hard, he was on his knees. Shawn, too, cracked up, holding onto the bar. Derrick smiled, squirming in his seat, burning from embarrassment, a tad bit crimson from the harshness of the joke, feeling a serious buzz from his beer.
Dennis turned to Derrick, saying, "Come on, man, I know you got a joke in you somewhere! Let's hear it."
"Not likely, not Derrick, Mr. Goody-two-shoes." Jake teased.
Shawn noticed Derrick's discomfort and told Jake, "Hey, lay of
f'im!"
Derrick took another slug of his beer, gave out a little snicker, and said, "Hey, screw it. I don't mind him having a laugh at my expense! It's the way it's always been. Probably the way it will always be. You two were busy dipping your wicks all over town, learning what you fucking needed to know-..." Shawn and Jake looked at each other surprised, his language and manner was so out of character, "...and me - because I fuckin' saved myself - for my wife - I'm considered a lousy lover! Can you tell me why that is!? Why the hell is that?" He asked, belched, and then demanded, "Shawn - Gimme another beer!"
Shawn did as he was told, sensing he needed this, when Jake, ever the diplomat asked, "Hey, Derrick, man - if you can't get it up, there's always Viagra!"
"Did I say I can't get the fucker up? Did I say that?!"
"Calm down, calm down! I'm just joking, man!" Jake defended.
"Then don't joke about my sex life! If I'd been like you, in and out of every fucking hole, like a goddamn rabbit, I might not be having these problems. But then, I might not have my wife or kids, either!"
"The fact that you obviously can't satisfy your wife, is not my fault! Don't paint me like some male whore!"
"Well, you certainly ain't no Snow White!"
"No! That would be you - Derrick! Bartholomew's good son!"
"That pisses you off, doesn't it? Because all your life, all you've ever been, is a fuckin' loser and a womanizer!" Derrick came to his feet. Jake did the same, "Well, brother dear, I'd rather be known as a man who has satisfied many, than as a man who can't satisfy one!" Shawn got to his feet, sensing an imminent brawl. Dennis realized the same, and stepped between them, "Come on, ya'll, now! We was havin' a good time! We don't need to be fightin' about the shit! My man obviously just wanna talk to correct his shit - he don't need this, Jake, man!"
"YEAH! Jake, man! Jake! Me! Why is the shit always my fuckin' fault! I'm sick of you all calling me a fuckin' loser!"
BOMAW 7-9 Page 34
