"Friend of Mundo's. I'm hoping it was just the drink and other substances that made him that way, pray tomorrow everything will be okay."
"Yes...tomorrow. I've been waiting for a whole lot of tomorrows. Praying that tomorrow, things would change. Would correct themselves. Sometimes it does. Sometimes—it just don't. You know, Shawn, I've tried with all my heart and soul, to be a good mother to you all. You know that?"
Uncertain of what she was going on about, Shawn could only smile; he stood and walked up behind his mother, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I know that. You were, you are." He wrapped his arms around her, she leaned her head back against his chest, her hands coming up to his arms. "It's the hardest thing in the world. Being a good mother. So difficult. And life throws you so many different challenges, the more kids you have, the harder it gets. Leaves a body so, you don't know where to turn and you don't know what to do. There are so many things, about how I was, that I regret. Specially with you."
"What are you talking about' mom, you've always loved us and we knew it." He kissed her brow, holding her.
"You're special—you know that? My special boy...you were beautiful from the day you were born. I thought you were."
Shawn started laughing, "Let the others hear that, there'll be hell to pay."
"No...not so. They all know it's true as well. You were always loved, Shawn—loved more than you can ever know. Loved by some, in a way—that…well, may not have been right. I just wish I'd known how to deal with it. I didn't. Wasn't prepared for it."
Making a face, Shawn unwrapped his arms from around his mother and moved beside her, resting his rump against the railing of the deck, folding his arms across his chest, he looked down at her. "What are you talking about, mom?"
Gert stood a few moments, wondering if right then, at that particular moment, she was about to do something else in her life she might regret. But she had to end this thing with him and Kathy Ann. It was time that he knew, before something crazy happened. Kathy Ann was so unpredictable. So erratic with her drinking. Taking a deep breath, Gert couldn't worry over the right or the wrong of it, she needed Shawn to understand. She took in a deep breath and blew it out. "I don't even know where to begin. To be quite honest, I'm so ashamed to have to bring this to you. Your father raised you all right, well—least he tried to. I tried to raise you all right—again—I tried to. Yet and still, every now and then, one'll come along, that you just can't figure out."
"Mom? What are you talking about?"
"Kathy Ann."
"Okay...and—what about her?"
"There's a reason she is the way she is with you, Shawn. When I first saw signs of it, I…I thought—well, she's young…and bound to be curious. Might be natural, maybe—I don't know."
"What? You're not making sense, mom."
"Your brothers and sisters, they have always looked up to you. Haven't they?"
"Yes, I guess, to a certain point."
"Yeah, to a point. Kathy Ann, just like Shanna, looked up to you. They, both, loved you to death."
Shawn smiled, "Yeah...and then Kathy Ann ended up loving the idea of killing me." He joked.
"Yeah...but—you remember about when that happened, Shawn?"
"What'ya'mean? You mean, when Kathy Ann started not liking me?"
"Yeah, do you know when? Can you recall, when—things started to change, between you two?"
"I don't know, mom, she just got weird all of a sudden."
"Back then, when she got all weird, she ever—make you feel, uncomfortable—around her, Shawn?"
"I don't know what you mean, mom?!"
"Think about it, Shawn. I want you to really, search your mind, and go back—to before you left home. Back to times, when—Kathy Ann's behavior, may have…surprised you, shocked you. Were there ever…any times like that, son?"
Shawn stared at his mother. Her tone, the look in her eyes, them being alone, he was getting her drift. He looked away from her. His face flaming, turning red. "I've never—not ever, done anything—inappropriate with my sisters, mom! Not ever!"
"I know that. Neither am I accusing you of anything."
"Then, what are you getting at?"
"Answer my question, Shawn. Has Kathy Ann, ever made you feel uncomfortable?"
Flashes came to him. And he knew, that yes, there were times. Times that made him feel very uncomfortable. Times when he'd been dressing or undressing and she'd just bust into his room. Oddly enough, those times had been when he was naked or almost naked. Furious, he'd cover himself, shout at her, and shove her out the door. Cursing at her for coming into his room without knocking. There had also been times when he'd caught her staring at his crotch. Not sure how to deal with it, he'd play it off and leave the room, embarrassed by it. It got so that he didn't want her around him, especially not alone. The worst ever that he remembered, was when he and his brothers used to wrestle a lot in the yard. Horsing around as young men will. Shanna and Kathy Ann would stand and watch, cheering on their favorite brother. One day, they were wrestling, and suddenly, Kathy Ann jumped on him and started wrestling with him. Shocking them all. Shawn remembered yelling at her, trying to push her off, and she'd latched onto him from the front, wrapped her legs around him inappropriately, pretending to be wrestling with him, locked her ankles and arms and wouldn't let go. He'd had to hurt her to get her to turn him loose. At that point, he knew something about the way she looked into his eyes, that it wasn't right. That shewasn't right.
Shawn closed his eyes and raked his hands back over his head, clamping them behind his head.
"Well, son?"
He couldn't talk, couldn't speak. Too horrified to say the words she was digging to hear.
"Son...no sense in me hedging around it. Your sister, doesn't hate you—her problem is…the opposite - she loves you. Her problem is—that she's in love with you."
"NO! GOD! HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?" He shouted, stepping away from the deck and her.
"Because it's true, Shawn."
"NO! No, it's not!" He ground out through clenched teeth. "I've done nothing! Nothing, you hear! I've done nothing!"
"Have you heard me accuse you, of doing anything wrong, Shawn?"
Shawn stood turning in circles, his hands clamped at his neck, pulling it, fighting it, hating what he was hearing. "I've done nothing! I've done nothing wrong! Nothing!"
"I know that, son! I know that. It wasn't you. It was nothing you did! It was Kathy Ann!"
"You're wrong! You're wrong!" He shook his head in denial.
"Oh, son, how I wish I were. How I wish that were so wrong. Fact is, she didn't start treating you with anger, and hostility…until—she knew—that I knew."
"I don't believe it." Shawn denied it.
"Sure you do, son."
"No...no! I don't believe it! You're wrong! You're dead wrong! I can't believe you're saying this to me!"
"I'm saying this to you because you need to know! You need to understand where her actions stem from! When I found out the truth, she denied it! And trying to convince me that I was wrong, she started treating you like you were shit off her shoe!"
"IF! If it's true—how did you find out? Hm? You just said she denied it! Did you confront her like you're doing me? Did you figure this out for yourself and drag her into your analysis!? Is that what you did?"
"No. No, son. What I did, was find her diary."
Shawn stumbled back against the glass of his sliding doors, as if he'd been folded by a punch to his stomach.
"You see, I'd been doing laundry. Putting all of your things away. When I was putting her things away, I kept finding articles of your clothing in her room. In amongst her things. Naturally, I took them out, and started going through all of her things. I found quite a few of your shirts, some of your socks. And as I went down her Chester drawers and got to the bottom, I found in the back of her drawer, pictures of you. They were tucked underneath her diary. By now, I knew something was amiss with her. Taking a deep breath, I opened it,
and I began to read it. Shawn, it was filled with all of these…feelings for you. I'll spare you the details—"
"Oh, my God! God-ah-mighty, God-ah-mighty, God-ah-mighty. Oh, my God."
"I confronted her, Shawn. With the proof right there in her face, she denied it. She denied it all. And when I pushed and pushed—she finally exploded and confessed. I told her, that she couldn't have such feelings for you. That you were her brother and that it wasn't right. You know what she said to me?"
Shawn couldn't look up from the deck floor, he could only shake his head.
"She said, if it were so bad, then why did God let Cain marry one of his sisters? What in the world, was I to say to that?"
Gert turned from her son and walked to the deck rail and stood quiet looking out at the star speckled sky. She took several deep breaths. "You can't begin to imagine, the hell I went through with that girl for the next few years. Keeping my eyes on her. She threatened to commit suicide, ohhhh, at least—once a month. The times when your father was…being rough with you, Kathy Ann was the one who always ran in and told me. Screaming, 'Daddy's at him again, mom, daddy's at him again!'—she hated it when your father punished you. Then all of a sudden you left. She cried and she cried and she cried. Then suddenly, she stopped. She, uh, took to liking this young man at school. And I thought, finally—thank the Lord."
Gert grew quiet again.
"But he…he broke her heart. Broke it bad. He—humiliated her, before all the school. He…took your sister to bed—took her virginity. Recorded the whole thing, and rigged up the school speakers and played it back for all to hear. To…get back at you. For beating him up the previous year. His name was Dathan Thatcher. Do you remember him?" She turned back to Shawn to ask.
Defeated, quiet, he could only shrug his shoulders.
"Well—no matter. Jake beat him senseless. For the first time, I was glad. He ruined her. He destroyed her. After that, she was—just different. Mean, angry—crying all the time for a spell. She dropped out of school. Refused to go back. I couldn't make her go back. Your father, for a while, couldn't even look her in the face. We…argued about that as well. She'd shamed him. It took some time for him to recover from that. Took her some time to recover. It got so, that—for a while, she wouldn't even get out of her bed. Next thing I know, she starts going out and not coming home till late. She come back with tattoos. And one day, eventually, she come home with Dwight, married. Again, I thought—things are going to change now, for the best. It didn't. Anyway...that's the whole of it. And now, you're back. Nothing's changed. You see, she hates you so much, Shawn, because she loved you so much. And blames what she felt for you, as the reason for her ruined life. That's why—I can't have you messing with her, like you were today. That's why."
Shawn slid to the floor against the glass and sat there with his knees up. Looking into the dark night, silent.
Gert stood staring down at him, "I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I had to tell you that. But you needed to know." She walked by him, slid the glass aside and left him with it.
* * *
It was getting really late. Everyone was leaving. Lucas and Lydia left with Gert and Bart, promising to return the next day to spend it with them, so they could spend more time with their great-grandchildren. Dennis and Sheila herded up their crew and took off for their hotel room, with Derrick and Meribel following suit. DJ stayed to help Mundo pack up his gear and take it in. Then the two left to spend a bit of time together, taking Marcus along.
Sylvia knew that something was not right with her daughter, especially since Victor left without a goodbye to anyone, save a slight wave to Crystal's friends and Mundo. Since the time was not right to find out what happened, she spent the rest of the evening talking to Angela, letting her know that her mom was home and that she wanted her to call her the following day. Once Angela was in bed, and off to sleep, Sylvia slipped into the room that the boys would be sharing with Mundo. The crib had been put up, and Darren was fast asleep in it, comfortable because he was home with his mother. Isaac was sound asleep in the bed he would share with his uncle. Laying there beside him, was his mother.
"Crystal?"
"Hm?" She answered without moving.
"You okay?"
"Nope." She answered quietly.
Sylvia walked to the bed and sat on it. They were both talking in hushed, low tones so as not to wake the boys. "Wanna talk about it?" She asked.
"Not gonna do any good, mama. I need to figure out, how—to get over my husband."
"You sure about that?" Sylvia laid next to her to ask. There was plenty of room on the bed, with it being a king-size.
"He—slept—with her, mama."
"I see."
"No going back, after that."
"You sure?"
"Of course I'm sure, he cheated!" She whispered passionately, "If I were the one who cheated, it would be over."
"Only problem is, you're still very much in love with him. And despite what he's done, I think he's still in love with you."
"Mama—men—suck! Love—sucks! Marriage—sucks!"
"Yeah—sometimes—that's true." Sylvia laid her head back, murmuring softly in the dark room.
"What would you do, mama? If he cheated, would it be over?"
"I went through that already with your father. I wanted it to be over, but—that's all easier said than done for some of us. Some people can turn their back, walk away and not look back. Some can't. As bad as it hurts to find it out, it would seem you should be able to walk away, but sometimes—even cheating is not enough to end it."
"What if Shawn cheated, could you walk away?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Probably. I'm a different person than I was from when I was with your father. Back then, it wasn't so easy to walk away. I had nowhere to go. I had no money. I had nowhere to turn to. Now—if…faced with that again—I'd like to think, that I could turn my back and walk away from him. Especially if, after all that we've been for each other, he could dare sleep with another woman. There has to be a point, where we know—what we want. Shawn and I, we've been through a lot in our lives already. There's nothing left for us to figure out. We both know what we want. I don't think Victor is there yet. Maybe, you aren't, either."
Crystal lay beside her mother on her stomach, her hands folded beneath her cheek. Sylvia turned on her side, facing her daughter, with tender affection, letting her fingers stroke her hairline. After a sigh, Crystal murmured softly, "He wanted to stay tonight, but I sent him away."
"Why?"
"Because, I want him here - because he wants to be here. I need him to make that decision without there being a reason for making it through convenience of being here anyway. You know what, mama?"
"What?"
"I think he just wants me, because…well, we have—really good sex together. I could see it in his eyes tonight."
"I see. How did you find out about him cheating?"
"I asked him if he went to bed with her. He turned red as a tomato."
"I see. Yet, if he had sex with her, and tonight, he wanted you and wanted to stay here with you, what does that tell you?"
"That he's still fickle! Confused."
"Could be."
"So, what do I do?"
"Keep—making—you—right. Don't—retaliate. Attend your anger management classes. Take one day at a time, and maintain your dignity and self-respect. Always live your life, in a way, that you can always—walk—with your head—held high. Never, ever, stoop to their level. Fix you—first. Once you fix yourself, everything else—will fix itself. Okay?"
"I love you, mama, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you."
Sylvia chuckled and leaned to her, kissing her cheek. "When you grow up, I want you to be—better than me. Much, much better. Now go get in bed, don't want you falling asleep in here. No telling what time your brother will be coming in."
They both set up, and then hugged.
"Goodnight, mama."
"Goodnight, baby."
&nb
sp; * * *
Kevin and Paul had just left after sitting at Shanna's with Vivian and Jake. Paul reminding his father that his graduation was Wednesday. To which Vivian assured him that they would be attending, there was no way they would miss it. Jake smiled, agreeing. Now that all the action had died down, they lay in his room, in bed. Vivian wore one of his T-shirts, and he lay with just his briefs on. She wanted to sleep with him, and he didn't want her to go. They were both willing to wait until he took her back to Chicago the next day, and so, simply lay in bed watching TV together. Vivian rest on his shoulder, wrapped in his arms as they were propped against the pillows of his headboard watching Walt Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
"I cannot believe you got me laying here watching a kids cartoon." Jake mumbled, blowing out smoke and putting the cigarette out.
"You need to stop smoking! And as for this cartoon, you were watching Bugs Bunny this morning!"
"I was not!" He denied it, ignoring the comment about stopping smoking.
"You were too! When you cleaned my hand, I peeked up long enough to see Bugs Bunny was on, and you were watching it."
Jake chuckled, "Well I'd rather be watching Bugs than this mushy stuff! And what's with the schmuck!? He looks like Shawn, don't he?" Jake teased.
"That's Gaston, and he's the bad guy. Shawn's nothing like him, Shawn's a good guy."
"Hey—I'm the good guy here! Don't you forget it!" Jake pulled her to him with a little squeeze.
"Jealous?" She teased, giggling.
"Damn right I am. I could have broke that son-of-a-bitches neck earlier!" He grumbled.
"Oh, don't bring that up. You scared the heck out of me, Jake. I was handling it, why'd you have to go nuts like that?"
"You think I'm just gonna stand around, picking my nose, and let someone touch you like that?!"
"Nooo, I would hope not, but—I was going to handle it."
BOMAW 7-9 Page 52
