"Shawn? What is going on here? Where are you going?" She asked walking around their bed to the bathroom to confront him. He spit in the toilet, he'd been brushing his teeth. Freshening up as it were. After spitting, he dried his mouth and moving quick said, "I'll be back sometime tomorrow, not too late."
"You'll be back tomorrow? Not too late? Where are you going?" She asked, her tone and expression he ignored for the time being, he needed to get moving.
"My dad needs my help with something. I told him I would make an out of town run with him."
"Out of town where, Shawn? You're just gonna take off with him and leave us all here alone? Have you forgotten about the other night already? What if he comes back?" She asked watching him throw a clean shirt, jeans, shoes, a matching jacket, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, his square horse bristle brush into a small Adidas gym bag. "Jake's here, you'll be fine. I doubt if he'll be back anyway. Shanna says he has a job in Ohio, no doubt he's on his way back there. Give me a kiss, I have to go." He said zipping the bag closed, grabbed her and laid a nice smack on her mouth, and then her forehead and headed for the door.
Sylvia stood in the middle of her bedroom and looked around it as if something lay hidden right beneath her nose and she just couldn't see it. That something she missed would be a clue or answer to what was going on. She turned and rushed for the door and then down the basement steps. Shawn, Jake and Bart were at the back door, Shawn was saying to Jake, "Look out for them while I'm gone, okay?"
"Yeah, sure, Shawn. How long you gonna be gone?"
"We'll be back tomorrow sometime."
Jake nodded and looked over at his father. "What about mom? She's at the farm alone?"
"She's okay. She left the same time I did. She'll spend some time with Derrick and his family while I'm gone. You know I wouldn't leave her there alone."
Jake nodded and watched them leave. He stood a moment facing the door and then feeling eyes boring into his back, he turned back to the room to see Sylvia staring at him across the way, at the bottom of the stairs. Shanna staring at him and Vivian looking at him. It so happened that Angela and the boys were upstairs in her room. Mundo and Crystal were across the road packing up the last of their stuff from the basement and bringing it over. The guys would be there first thing to get started on wrecking the house and leveling the land to lay the new foundation in preparation of building their new home.
"Where are they going, Jake?"
"Sylvia, I haven't a clue. Dad said he had business somewhere that would take him out of town and asked Shawn to go with him." He explained.
"Off of a Memorial Day weekend?" Sylvia pointed out.
"Tomorrow's Tuesday, Sylvia, back to business like always." Vivian interjected. She saw nothing wrong, although felt the current surrounding them. Because of her limited knowledge of Shawn, there was nothing for her to pick up on. Her man was standing before her, there was no need to wonder beyond him. She felt she knew Bart, and had come to love him and saw no need to think beyond what he'd stated. As for the other night, nothing else had taken place, so obviously he'd been scared off. One thing that she hadn't missed and that was a certain change in Shanna. Vivian totaled it up to worry, stress and the unknown. Not only that, but she hadn't heard anything from Officer Collier; he'd said he would be by the day before, but he hadn't come by at all. She'd told her to call him, but Shanna decided that if he wanted to speak with her, he would call. Vivian figured that must be on her mind. She was too overjoyed with what was going on between her and Jake. However, in the moments of Bart and Shawn leaving, even she noticed a definite change in his manner. She couldn't put her finger on it yet, but there was something in his face that was real close to the look of a child left out, never included, never called on. Vivian looked from him back to Sylvia, who had resumed her position by the chair, her hand on it, the other on her hip.
"Maybe so, but he hasn't said a word to me all day." Sylvia replied in answer to them all, "They're going to be gone all night." She went on to point out further, looking at Shanna who was still quiet she asked, "Why are you so quiet, Shanna? Do you know where they're going?"
"It could be that they have to be there first thing in the morning. I don't know, I'm in the same position you are." She responded, but couldn't fight back the blush that washed over her face. Sylvia stared at her, Shanna looked away and down to the floor. Sylvia then glanced back at Jake who was still standing by the door. He saw her mind working and to avoid having to answer anymore questions said, "I'm gonna slip out for a smoke." And did, wasting little time to get out the door. Vivian stood and followed him out, leaving Shanna and Sylvia alone.
"Shanna…" Sylvia called, "…your brother was going nuts the other night about our safety. Now he's perfectly willing to take off with your father late in the evening, with little or no thought to what might happen while he's gone? Does that make sense to you?" She tried to reason with her. Shanna was shrinking right before her eyes, hesitant and reticent. As if she were Angela, Shanna looked at her with wide eyes and shrugged. "So, what you're saying is, that you're no longer afraid with us here alone? With just Jake?"
"He is armed and Shawn did tell him to look out for us."
"Yes, I know…but Shawn…he…" Sylvia stopped, turned away shaking her head and waved it off, "Never mind, no big deal. I mean, it would have been nice if I knew ahead of time that he was going out of town, he could have told me; he just up and gets ready and leaves when your dad showed up. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the one overreacting now." She went on to say, going to the end of the counter near the bathroom where she opened the washer to throw in a load and saw there were clothes in it. Reaching in she took them out and went to put them in the dryer, however there were clothes in there. Worked up over Shawn just up and leaving, she went off, "UGH! I'm going to kill Mundo or Crystal! They know how I am! I hate it when someone throws in a load to wash and dry and just leaves them! They end up souring in the washer and wrinkling in the dryer and I hate waste, because you end up having to wash them over or I have to iron them! Well, I'm not doing it; pissing me off!" She fussed, taking them out of the dryer and into a basket to fold, and the other into the dryer. Mumbling under her breath, she made the exchange and folded the load, and set the basket aside and looked across the broad space to see Shanna sitting still on the sofa watching the TV, but she wasn't really watching, she was trying to keep her face averted; frozen in a fixed position.
"Shanna? You okay?"
She nodded, but still didn't look back at her. Sylvia walked up to her, putting her hand on her shoulder, "Hey? You all right? Don't mind me, I'm just talking crap."
"No…" she sniffed. "…it's okay."
"Hey, you crying? What's wrong, Shanna? Why are you crying?" Sylvia asked sitting down next to her, grabbing the box of Kleenex off the coffee table and passing them to her. She then put her arms around her, "Come on, talk to me - what's bothering you?"
Shanna took a couple of Kleenex, blew her nose and looked at her, wiped her eyes and face saying, "Don't mind me. I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. My life sucks and I just…I just wish…I just…" Her chest got so tight she couldn't get another word up from it. She was holding onto her stomach as if it hurt, while her eyes spilled over. Sylvia pulled her in for a hug; then leaned back on the sofa holding on to her. The two of them wrapped in a hug that they both needed at that particular moment. Shanna struggled not to cry, but did and laid her head on Sylvia's shoulder, who stroked her arm and held her. Crystal and Mundo came in with their arms filled, saw them and stopped.
"Ya'll okay?" They both paused to ask.
Shanna felt self-conscience and sat up. "Yeah, I'm just being silly. I should go home." She announced.
"Silly woman, you are home. That other place is just where you go to get away from us." Sylvia joked.
Shanna smiled and burst into tears again.
"Aaah, honey…you're staying here tonight."
"I need to go and check on my kit
ten, I have one now, you know." She announced as if she hadn't been crying just a moment ago, she felt as if she would throw up; her stomach was tied up into full-fledge nausea from anxiety and couldn't get it to calm down, couldn't swallow it back. "Scuse me." She pleaded, coming quickly to her feet and made a dash for the bathroom and started throwing up.
Sylvia glanced at her kids as they stood staring towards her for direction on what to do. "You all go on and finish what you were doing. She'll be okay." Sylvia stood and headed for the bathroom; with every step she felt her own taste of nausea. Sylvia was not stupid. She felt her head buzz with such a macabre sensation as if she were trapped in some dreaded nightmare for which there was no possible way of waking up. Her mind, her imagination, kept trying to lead her into a direction she just didn't wish to go in. A horrendous tug of war was taking place alongside her sense of disbelief. It wasn't something she was deliberately and mentally doing, it was all involuntary, whether she wanted such thoughts or not. One side of her brain seemed to be throwing reminders of the man she loved and married, as the other side tossed to the forefront another version of him. That was the war. She didn't want the alternate images. Truth be told, the alternative frightened her a bit; while the man himself didn't, believing that there existed another side of him that she didn't know, did.
"Shanna?" Sylvia called in to her, standing outside the bathroom door.
"Yeah." The return was certainly tortured.
"Please let me in."
"It's not locked."
Sylvia slowly opened the door to see Shanna sitting on the toilet; her face red, tear streaked, her eyes…haunted.
"Shanna?" Sylvia called her name - loaded with question.
"Hm?" Shanna whimpered back hesitantly.
"What's wrong, why are you like this?" Sylvia asked softly, "What's got you so torn up inside?"
Shanna couldn't speak, she could only stare as silent tears filled her eyes and dropped from her lashes, landing on flushed cheeks, blotchy from crying. Her arms were folded over her mid-section as she rocked a bit, seemingly holding back more sickness.
Sylvia entered the rest of the way and knelt on the floor, one knee on the rug before her as she took her hand, "Talk to me, Shanna. You know what's going on, don't you? What's going on, Shanna?"
"My father told me…and…I…I didn't listen. Why didn't I listen? If I'd just listened, just…just believed him. Just…just gave it up…this…this wouldn't be…it's…it's all my fault."
Sylvia stared at her, her heart pounding in her chest, "Come on, Shanna, no one can see into the future. The important thing is, once the divorce has-…" Sylvia had to move back, her words bringing Shanna quickly to her feet, turning to the toilet again, vomiting. Sylvia moved back against the wall and came slowly to her feet. Watching her try to come to grips with whatever torture ripped at her system. Finally Shanna moved over to the sink, repeatedly splashing her face. Judging that it was enough, Sylvia reached behind her, removing a towel to pass to her. Taking it, Shanna dried her face, bent over the sink as if she couldn't stand.
"Shanna…look at me." Sylvia asked with dread.
"I can't…"
"Why?" Sylvia whispered.
With her forehead on her arm, rolling back and forth, "I should have gone…someplace else. Someplace far away. It's just that I wanted to come back home so bad. I just wanted…to be safe again. Then Shawn came home…and I knew…I knew then, I would be safe. This…is…is all…all my fault." She wept softly.
"What are you talking about, Shanna?" Sylvia felt nervous agitation watching her.
Standing quickly to face Sylvia, saying straight out, "I was right. I'm—now—safe."
Sylvia froze, stood and stared at her. There, at that point, the battle, the war…grew like a madness set free in her mind. She couldn't get her thoughts to focus on anything. Couldn't get her thinking to draw any conclusions. Couldn't wrap her mind around what she was saying, when all along, she knew exactly what she was saying. Yet, it wasn't what she wanted to hear. They stood for long moments staring back and forth. Shanna turned back to the sink, looking down into it and then reached over and pulled some toilet paper from the roll and tearing off enough to blow her nose. They were quiet all for Shanna blowing her nose; she looked to Sylvia saying, "I'm so sorry. I'm so—so sorry."
"Are you telling me—that my husband—the man I married; your brother—killed John Sykes? Is that what you mean by, 'you're now…safe'?"
"I don't know…what he's done. But I can tell you this…if he were still a threat to me, if Shawn thought that he was a threat to you—he would be here. He would not—leave Jake to see about our safety. Because Shawn believes that to be his job…and, Sylvia…he's always—always - done his job—well."
Sylvia's hands rose to slowly cover the sides of her face and over it, as if she could block all from sight. Her mind was now racing too fast for her to catch a thought, hold it long enough to make up her mind about what was going on. About what this meant if it was true. About the man she thought she'd married. She was suddenly unsure. Insecure. Shaken.
"Sylvia?"
She turned heading for the bathroom door, out of it and up her stairs, holding onto the stair rail as if she needed support to stay on her feet, stumbling into her bedroom, she closed the door. Shanna walked out behind her, not sure of what to do. Deciding to leave her alone for the moment, she headed for the back door and out. It was a dark night, she could smell cigarette smoke and hear soft murmuring. Jake, he was nearby. Vivian with him. Shanna didn't wish to bother them, but obviously her brother heard her exit.
"Where you going?" He came from the other side of the garage to ask.
"Home, to check on my kitten." Shanna answered.
"Where're you sleeping tonight?" He asked further.
"Here. I need to come back here, stay with Sylvia. I don't think she should be alone with Shawn gone."
"Hurry up then."
"I'll be fine Jake, I'll be fine." She tapered off softly, walking into the dark night. Shanna took several deep cleansing breaths and knew by the way she felt, that the boogie-man was gone. She had always known that if given to Shawn, the problem would be solved. They all had known it. Her mother knew it. Reason she didn't want Kathy Ann coming to Shawn in the first place. Kathy Ann knew, because just as she'd grown up under his protection, so had she. Not just them, the girls, but her brothers as well; Derrick and Jake. All four of them knew that Shawn was different from them. Different, because he was the oldest. Different, because their dad, had made him different. Yet no matter how different, he was someone that Shanna had never feared. He was like the family's very own secret weapon, made by yours truly, Bartholomew Jacob McPherson. As Shanna walked, she thought back to the young Shawn in school. Even back then, he'd been an old man in a young man's body. His manner and presence had always been one that just barely tolerated the outsider, those not of his charge. There were guys at school that tried to befriend him. Some sincere in their desire to get close to him, others…those that were sometimes bullied, looked at him as if he were the ticket. Thus, trying anything to befriend him, in order to be left alone; because if Shawn McPherson smiled at you, no one messed with you. Her brother had never worn a sign, but if he did it would have read, "Bullies Beware".
Shawn had always been focused, studious and commanding for one so young. In sports he excelled, because he was always focused. His only major problem in school had been that he couldn't keep a girlfriend. He could always get them, there was no problem in that, it was the keeping them part that seemed to fail him. The fact that Jake snuck right under his noise and stole many didn't help. All the girls wanted him, until they got him. Then they found him too heavy. Too emotionally consuming; too mature. He was too tense, too honed and too ready for setting someone straight. Total opposite to him, was Jake. Shanna couldn't remember how many turned from Shawn to Jake. His little brother had been his only problem as far as that was concerned, because no other guy had the nerve to cross Shawn once
he had a girlfriend, trying to take her. Only Jake did that, he was the only one whose physical well-being wasn't in danger by doing it. He did it all the time, as if daring Shawn sometimes. Taunting him in the most demeaning way possible. Though Shawn would definitely kick his tail over it, Jake would only bounce back worse than before. He'd taken to taunting Shawn as one would do the family dog that all knew was dangerous, would bite. Bite, that is, anyone who was not within his household; Jake knew because it belonged to the family, his family, it would only growl at him; he was the problem child that kept pulling its ears and tail, stepping on its foot when trying to lie down in moments when there was no need to be on guard.
With hurt realization, Shanna knew that for years that is exactly what Shawn was to them; because of her father. Whom she loved with all her heart and soul, yet even so, he'd ruined their brother. As innocent as her actions had been, Shanna realized that she too, had taken her big brother for granted. Shanna saw herself as the child in the family that felt sorry for the guard dog. She was the one that would ease up to it, when everyone else wasn't looking and gently stroke it, hug it, with no fear…because it was there to see to her safety and welfare. Hungry for the gift of affection itresponded, returning the affection shown.
Shanna entered her home and walked to her bedroom, and then the bath and opened the door to look for her kitten. It was meowing, hungry.
"Ohhh, what's the matter little one? You hungry?" She spoke to it softly, wiping at her tears as they rolled. She fed her kitten, sat on the floor next to it, stroking its little head as he ate. Thinking of Shawn. Thinking of the times when she made him smile, made him laugh. Laughter back then from him was like a gift from the sun. As she reflected back, she could always remember being at Shawn's right hand, while Derrick stood at his left, as if they…guarded his soul somehow; while the other two, taunted it. When they were all young, growing up on that farm, neither of them really comprehended what was going on. At that time, they didn't get it. They didn't understand why Shawn was the way he was. They were all McPherson's, therefore, Shanna never understood why their father singled Shawn out to make him the way that he was.
BOMAW 7-9 Page 68
