by Melody Anne
She was terrified he would leave, but also petrified that he’d stay only because of their daughter, not ever able to love her. Waiting for a reply, Alyssa tried to turn away from Jackson’s intense gaze, but he had her captured, and there was no escape.
She had never believed in fate, but it seemed that she and Jackson had somehow been destined to meet, destined to create a child, and finally, destined to stand in his house and face the choices they’d made. Fighting off the twinges of guilt that threatened her composure, she waited. It was his turn to speak.
“Since we found each other again,” Jackson said, “you have pushed me away, acted as if I’m your enemy. Why? Yes, we had a one-night stand, but I wasn’t the one to walk away. I wasn’t the one who snuck out before the morning light. Can I positively say that I would have behaved any differently if I had woken up to find you asleep in the bed? I honestly don’t know. What I do know, though, is that I had feelings for you then.” Those words made her throat tighten. “And I still have feelings for you now. I don’t understand why you fight me so much. I’ve never lied to you, never tried to deceive you about my past, about what I expect of my future. I’ve always been honest.”
“Yes, you’ve been honest in telling me you will never love again,” she pointed out.
“I may be wrong about that . . .”
Alyssa felt her heart thump hard in her chest. “What does that mean?” She wanted him to be very clear. There couldn’t be any more questions about where they stood with each other.
“I . . . I . . . dammit!” Jackson turned away from her, and her heart broke into a million pieces.
What was he trying to say? She couldn’t read him, couldn’t figure any of this out. When he moved to the door wordlessly, opened it, and stepped through, the first tear fell down her face. When the door shut with a final click behind him, several more followed.
She had lost him. He couldn’t accept her in his life, and he couldn’t accept responsibility for Angel. She had never in all her life imagined feeling so much pain. Who in the hell thought that falling in love was a good idea? From all she’d discovered, it was nothing but immense agony and unfulfilled yearning. She’d rather go through a thousand more accidents than deal with the way her heart was breaking at this moment.
As he walked from the house, Jackson knew he should turn around, knew he’d promised not to yell, not to pressure her this first night away from the hospital, and then he’d done just that. His anger wasn’t as under control as he’d thought it was.
He phoned her mom, told her where Alyssa was and that he didn’t think it was a good idea for her to be alone, and then he climbed in his truck and waited. It didn’t take her mother long to get there, and as soon as he knew Alyssa would have someone with her, he drove off.
He clearly wasn’t ready for this conversation with her—he had to get his own head straight first. Yes, he’d told his brother he was going to marry her, and he hadn’t changed his mind on that score, but was it only because of the baby?
That’s what he needed to figure out. Driving to his dad’s place without even realizing what he was doing, Jackson parked the truck before he found his heartbeat slowing. From the first moment he’d come into this house when he was twelve years old, he’d found comfort. It was only natural that during one of the most confusing moments of his life, he would find himself back here.
After climbing slowly from the truck, he went through the front door and straight to his dad’s den, but the man wasn’t there. However, Jackson knew all of Martin’s favorite hangouts, so it didn’t take long for him to find the old man in the horse barn, leaning up against the fence talking to a worker.
“Hey,” he called out, and Martin turned with a grin.
“Wow, didn’t think I’d ever see you come home again, not since baby Gerard was born,” Martin said with a welcoming smile.
“Her name is Angel,” Jackson said, wondering how he was going to tell his father the entire story.
“Ah, very fitting,” Martin said.
“I thought so, too. She’s been a blessing from the moment she entered this world, and a lot of people are touched by her life already.”
“There’s nothing more precious than a baby, son.”
“I have to tell you something,” Jackson said, shifting on his feet as he stood next to his father.
“Well, then, spit it out. You’re acting like a teenager who just got caught smoking in the locker room.”
“Angel is mine.” He was quieter than he’d ever been before.
Martin said nothing for several moments; he just looked at his son with measuring eyes. Then a smile broke out on his face and he grasped Jackson’s hand.
“Congratulations, boy! That means I’m a grandpa again,” he said, his smile only growing brighter.
“Yeah, that’s what it means.” All of Jackson’s anxiety vanished at the open acceptance from his father. Most people would have thrown out a million questions at this point, but his dad just accepted those few short words, and was happy about it, no less.
“When’s the wedding?”
“A lot of water has passed under the bridge. Alyssa and I really need to work through it all. I got angry with her for not telling me sooner, and sort of stormed from the hospital, then went back, took her home, and we fought again, and I left the house.” At the instant disapproval on his father’s face, he felt even worse than he had earlier.
“Did you give her a chance to explain, Jackson?”
“Yes. She told me she didn’t think we’d see each other again, and then when she did see me she was afraid I’d take the baby, and then she was afraid because she’d waited so long.” Jackson grabbed a bag of oats and fed his favorite horse, Thunder.
“Well, as you stormed away, I guess she had a valid reason to be afraid,” Martin said.
“It’s not that simple. Had she told me sooner, I wouldn’t be so upset. But Angel has been fighting for her life for the past couple of weeks. I’ve been by her side the entire time, been falling head over heels in love with my daughter, and I didn’t even know she was mine. That’s not fair,” Jackson said, his voice rising.
“I agree she should have come to you sooner, but I also know how much pain you have gone through these past five and a half years. You shut yourself off from the world for a long time. Hell, Jackson, you tried to push your brothers and me away, too. She had valid reasons to be concerned,” Martin pointed out. “I’m not saying you didn’t have good reasons yourself to protect your heart any way you deemed you should, but I’m saying if I were her, I’d be protective of myself and of my child as well.”
“But these last two months, I’ve proved myself over and over again. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“Of course it does, boy. But have you ever told Alyssa that you love her? Have you ever told her you don’t want to let her go?”
“I didn’t know I was in love with her,” he said, and then stopped before looking up at his father through slightly blurred eyes.
Since she’d told him about his daughter, all he’d been thinking about was the fact that she hadn’t told him, but he was in love with Alyssa. He was in love with her smile, with her laughter, with the way she couldn’t seem to get close enough to him while she was sound asleep, with how kind she was to strangers, and how loyal she was to her family, with how accepting she was of him, faults and all. He loved her more than he thought he was capable of loving a woman.
“I really do love her, Dad. The kind of love that means I never want to let her go.”
“Well, of course you do, boy. You don’t chase after a woman as hard as you’ve chased after Alyssa just to mess up some bedsheets. You chase after her because the thought of being without her is incomprehensible.”
“I guess we’ve both kept secrets from one another,” Jackson said.
“Yeah. We all tend to do that. It’s never wise to keep secrets and it’s never good to lie, but we are all human, and we make mistakes. Don’t let stupid
pride keep you from living a life of happiness with a wonderful woman. She’s worth letting the past go, and she’s worth believing in. I couldn’t be happier for you.”
Then his father did something he didn’t do nearly as often as he had when Jackson was younger. He walked up and gave him a solid hug, patting him on the back before stepping back, but with his hands firmly on Jackson’s shoulders.
“Don’t let her get away, and don’t make her suffer too long. She’s been through enough.”
Jackson stood there for a moment without saying a word, and then he felt the remainder of his anger drain away.
“You’re right, Dad. Life is too short. I’ve wasted enough time with issues that don’t matter, and I’ve spent enough years punishing myself for not being able to save Olivia. I’m ready to give my heart to Alyssa and our daughter, and I think they will hold it just fine.”
“Go get the girl, Jackson.”
Jackson turned around and ran back to his truck. It was time to tell Alyssa exactly how he felt about her. It was time for both of them to let go of old hurts and to move forward so they could enjoy the rest of their lives and raise their daughter well—plus, he very much hoped, a few more kids.
It was time to free himself from too many years of pain and sorrow.
Opening the door to his house, Jackson looked around for Teresa, but didn’t see her. He walked to the back, where Alyssa was sitting on the couch, her face awash with tears, her cheeks red, and the light vanquished from her beautiful blue eyes.
He found a note from Teresa on the end table, telling him that she’d left because his father had called and said he was on his way back to talk to Alyssa. Jackson almost smiled when he read her last sentence:
Get it together and both of you quit denying your love.
Love,
Your future mother-in-law, Teresa
Without saying a word, he kneeled before Alyssa, hating her look of utter defeat. He had done this to her. He only hoped he could make it right again. He only hoped that his love would show through and they could indeed both forgive each other.
“I’m sorry, Alyssa.”
She didn’t speak and he worried that he’d pushed her too far, that he’d somehow taken her remaining strength. Standing up, he moved to the bathroom and ran a bath. She always seemed to relax when she took them at home.
Her injuries had been extensive and maybe this would help. When he came back out, the vacant look in her eyes made him feel like a monster. Taking her hand, he pulled her to her feet. “Let’s get you in the tub. I’m sure that will help after your two weeks in the hospital.”
She said nothing as he led her to the bathroom. But her eyes filled with tears when the scent of jasmine hit her. It was her favorite and he’d stocked up for when she was able to come back home. It was those small things he knew about her that should have clued him in so much earlier about how much he cared.
He knew that when it rained she would get a big smile on her face and rush outside to feel it soak her face. She’d said that was because she’d lived in Texas for so long, and rain was a real treat. He’d see whether the rain in Montana still made her smile after a particularly wet spring. He also knew she liked to make smiley faces on her pancakes with the syrup, and she always sang in the shower.
These were only a few things he knew about her, and he would enjoy spending the rest of his life learning so much more. And he planned to open up his entire life to her, because there was no use in keeping anything from her because he loved her—he wanted her to know him inside and out.
“We’ll talk more, but for now, let’s have a bath and relax. I’m not going to hurt you anymore. I promise,” he whispered. He moved his hands gently down her sides and found the hem of her shirt.
She lifted her arms, and he pulled the shirt over her head and felt a stirring inside, but he quickly stopped it. This wasn’t the time. Tonight was for healing, not seduction. He’d soon stripped her bare and then he held her hand as she stepped over the side of the tub and sank into the scented water.
Jackson thought about leaving for all of two seconds, and then he undressed and slid in behind her, needing to hold her, to assure her they were fine, that they were more than fine because they were together. He leaned against the back of the tub, then pulled her back against his chest.
She tensed for only an instant before her body melted against his and she let a small sigh escape from her lips. Slowly, carefully, with a gentleness he didn’t know he possessed, Jackson ran his soapy hands over her body, being gentle where she was still healing. The feel of her skin beneath his fingers was torture and yet comforting at the same time.
“In New York, I made some assumptions,” he started, not knowing how to say this. She was quiet as she waited for him to continue. “I assumed that we were simply two strangers passing in the night. I assumed that we could have sex and walk away. I assumed that, as a model, you probably did that sort of thing often,” he admitted, feeling horrible when she flinched. “I now know that I was so very wrong.”
How had he been so blind? How could he have ignored his feelings for her? Yes, he’d wanted her, but it was so much more, even then. Though he’d promised himself it would never happen again, though he’d done everything in his power not to fall in love, it had snuck up on him.
Alyssa Gerard had found a way through the barriers guarding his heart, and now what once was broken was whole again. He caressed her body, but though he felt desire, he also felt peace. There wasn’t a burning need to possess her now, because he knew that he already did possess her in the most important way a man could possess a woman.
He loved her. And he had no doubt that she loved him, too. He could easily spend the rest of his life with this woman and never grow tired of her. Never lose his passion for her, never lose his interest in her. That was what true love was.
Yes, a couple needed to work at a marriage, at a relationship. But what the two of them had was something that wasn’t easily defined, wasn’t easily placed into a nice box with a ribbon on top. What the two of them had would be a crime to throw away.
“I can’t ever let you go, Alyssa,” he whispered into her ear. Even with this knowledge harbored deep in his heart, he found himself struggling to express his innermost feelings.
“What if I’m not yours to hold on to?” she asked. From the tone of her voice, he couldn’t tell what she was thinking or feeling. Was it animosity, or was she simply trying to make a point?
Jackson had his own point to make. “You want to be held,” he said, and to prove that, he slid his hands gently up her stomach, and then he cupped her beautiful, lush breasts and used his thumbs to graze the perfect red nipples as they hardened for him. She gasped, and her head fell against his neck as she sighed at the sensations he was sending through her healing body.
“Just because you can turn me on doesn’t mean I’m yours to keep,” she said huskily. But she scooted closer, and her exquisite derrière rubbed against his growing arousal.
“Tell me this, my lovely Alyssa: Have you ever wanted to lie in a tub full of scented water with another man while he caressed your body?”
She sighed again as he continued lavishing attention on her breasts. He waited for her answer.
“No,” she finally said.
He would keep this about feelings and emotion. He wouldn’t turn this into sex—he couldn’t. Her body was in no way ready for that. But he suspected that he’d have to remind himself of that several times. With great reluctance, he moved his hands away from her breasts and ran them again down her stomach.
“Don’t touch me there,” she said, squirming.
“Where?”
“My stomach. I’m . . . it’s . . . the baby flab . . .” She stopped and he saw color suffuse her cheeks.
His hands stopped on her stomach as he sat there in shock.
“You’re even more beautiful now than the first time I met you, Alyssa.”
“I’m not, Jackson. I just had a baby. I
’ve been in bed for two weeks. My body . . .”
Jackson carefully stood and moved in front of her, then sat so she was facing him. With deliberate motions, he lifted both of her legs over his own, then pulled her onto his lap, thankful that his body was behaving, though he doubted it would be long before it acted up again. He gazed steadily into her eyes as he took time to touch every part of her.
“You need to hear what I’m saying now, Alyssa. You are even more beautiful than the first night I met you. The shape of your hips, the curve of your stomach, the fullness of your breasts, the sparkle in your eyes. All of that shows me that you carried my child, that you delivered her. I can’t see a single thing wrong with your body, and it’s taking every ounce of willpower that I possess not to sink deep inside you right this second. The only reason I’m holding back is because you need to heal. It might kill me, but I’ll wait until your body is ready for me.”
He gave her a smile as he rubbed against her, his erection back and fully ready. A small smile tilted her lips upward.
“Jackson, I lied to you by not telling you the truth. I . . . I’ve held back. Why are you being so good to me?”
“Because I love you.”
He didn’t need to make a speech, didn’t need to go the hearts-and-flowers route, done up with ribbons and bows and greeting-card sentiments. He loved her. It was simple and it was powerful.
Tears filled her eyes and spilled over as she sat against him, as his hands smoothed up and down her body, as they said so much with nothing but a look between them.
“I love you, too, Jackson.”
Finally. No more barriers stood between them. Nothing would stand in the way of their making a life together. They would wait until their daughter was ready to leave the hospital, and then they would bring her back and turn his house into a real home. They would stay together forever.
