by Carol Grace
“Thank you for telling me,” she said drily. She stared off into the trees without seeing the breeze brushing the pine needles off them. Okay, so he wasn’t capable of loving anyone more than he loved his work. Still, he had no right to jerk her around like this. One minute hot, the next cold. One minute he couldn’t keep his hands off her, the next minute he was back to the man she’d met that first day—cool, aloof, distant.
He reached for her hands and pulled her to her feet. Her knees were still weak, but she yanked her hands from his, straightened her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “I’m going to see about Granny.”
He nodded. His mouth was twisted into a semismile, but his eyes were deep and dark, with no hint of humor. Damn it, she felt sorry for him. But he didn’t need her pity, and he sure didn’ t want it, so why bother? Let him suffer by himself. He didn’t follow her. She didn’t turn around to see if he was still there. She didn’t care.
When she walked into the cottage, Granny was at the kitchen sink, washing some red-leaf lettuce under cold water.
“Let me do that,” Amelia said, taking it out of her hand. “You should be lying down. You said you were having pain.”
“Oh, I’m feeling much better,” Granny said. She sure looked better. The color was back in her cheeks and her eyes were bright. “You know, the doctor said I could get around. The exercise would be good for me. Where’s Brian?”
“He’s gone home.”
Granny’s face fell. She suddenly aged about twenty years. “But I thought you were getting along so well. I thought he’d stay for dinner.”
Amelia understood in a flash that Granny had witnessed the scene out on the porch, and maybe the one under the apple tree, and of course, had jumped to the wrong conclusions. As had Amelia. It was time to set her straight.
“He told me what happened,” Amelia said.
“I knew he would,” Granny said, leaving the lettuce and walking into the living room. She took a seat in the large, overstuffed armchair and stretched her leg out on the ottoman. Amelia could see her try to hide a satisfied smile, but she couldn’t. Amelia hated to tell her grandmother that although Brian had told her about his old life, he was most definitely not interested in starting a new life. Not with Amelia, not with anyone. That no matter what Granny had seen out there on the porch, it meant nothing. Not to Brian. Not to Amelia, either. A few kisses, a few confidences. That’s all.
After Amelia left, she’d be no more than a very small memory to him. And to her? She’d forget about him the minute she got onto the highway, which she hoped would be very soon.
“Considering what the doctor said, and how well you’re doing, what would you think if I left tomorrow?” Amelia said lightly. Don’t make too much of it. “There are problems at my office. But I won’t leave if you think you can’t manage on your own and with the home-help workers.”
Granny’s face paled. “Of course I can manage,” she said. “That’s no problem. Does this have anything to do with…?”
“It has to do with you and how much progress you’ve made. If I thought for one moment that you couldn’t manage on your own…”
“But I can,” Granny insisted, sitting up straight. “I just thought…”
“Things are not always what they seem,” Amelia said, fearing Granny was going to go into the Brian situation, and wanting to head her off. “Now, what shall we have for dinner? How about a Caesar salad? I see you’ve washed the lettuce. I’ll make the dressing and some croutons. I made it for Jeff one night. He loved it.”
“Jeff is your…”
“My boyfriend,” Amelia said firmly before correcting herself. “I mean, my almost fiancé.” But the vision of Jeff in his three-piece suits and his button-down shirts left her feeling numb. She’d learned a lot in these few days, and the most important thing was that there was no future for her and Jeff. When she got back, she’d have to make that clear to him. She knew that now. It was one thing she had to thank Brian for. He’d cleared up a few things in her mind. If she could get that excited by his kiss, she had no business thinking of marrying someone else. Anyone else. Which meant she would not be getting married anytime soon. Just as well.
She had work to do. She had no time for dating or riding roller coasters at county fairs or jumping up and down on pogo sticks. Her work was so challenging, and so much had gone wrong while she’d been away that she didn’t see how she’d ever be able to take a vacation again.
“You’ll be back, won’t you?” Granny asked anxiously, as Amelia strode purposefully into the kitchen.
“Of course,” Amelia said over her shoulder. “Call me if you need me.”
“Does Brian know you’re leaving?” Granny asked anxiously from the living room.
Amelia stuck her head around the corner. “I don’t think he’ll be surprised.”
“But you’ll say goodbye to him, won’t you?”
“Of course.” Not. Why bother? Why put them both through an embarrassingly awkward situation for no reason? What did Granny think would happen? He’d fall apart at the thought of her leaving? He’d beg her to stay? That he couldn’t cope on his own? It was laughable, really.
Brian would only try to hide his relief at her departure while she tried to conceal the very real pain of knowing that he didn’t care. Instead, she’d slip away in the morning after making sure Granny was all right. She’d phone the home-help people and make sure everything was on schedule, make sure Granny had everything she needed. She was sure Brian would continue to check in on his neighbor, just as he’d done before Amelia had come. He’d probably come even more often, knowing there was no chance he’d run into her.
Amelia managed to get through the dinner, though she had no idea how the salad and the fettuccine she’d cooked tasted. She and Granny made polite conversation. Granny made an effort to control her disappointment at the outcome of her matchmaking attempt, and Amelia pretended she’d never noticed. Amelia’s mind was on her departure, on how to make it as painless as possible for her and Granny. If she left early enough, she could go straight to her office and start sorting out the mess. She told herself to focus on that and nothing else.
The next morning, she had time to call the home-help people and tell them she was leaving. They assured her they’d continue on their three-times-a-week schedule, and told her that Granny was making excellent progress.
But Amelia didn’t like the way Granny looked that morning. Her grandmother’s smile was forced, and her eyes filled with tears when Amelia kissed her goodbye.
“I’ll be back,” Amelia promised. “If you need me, just give me a call.”
Granny nodded. “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Thank you, dear. It was so lovely to see you.” Then she choked up and couldn’t say anything else.
Amelia blinked back the tears. If she didn’t leave now, she’d never leave. Filled with guilt and riddled with second thoughts, she drove slowly down the road toward the highway. At the intersection of the two country roads, she saw a man dressed in baggy shorts and an old, ripped T-shirt. Brian! Her heart pounded. She’d hoped to get out of the area without another meeting. Damn, damn, damn. What was he doing out here?
She stopped the car. After all, she couldn’t just drive past and leave him in a cloud of dust, no matter how much she wanted to. But she kept the motor running.
“You’re out early,” he said. He glanced in the back seat, where Amelia’s laptop computer was piled on top of a stack of file folders. He frowned.
“I…I’m leaving.”
“Back to the city,” he said, his mouth in a tight line. “I’m not surprised.”
“Granny’s much better. You heard what the doctor said. She doesn’t need me. My office, on the other hand, does need me.”
“So that’s what it’s all about?” he asked, his eyes hard and steely. “Work comes first. Family last.”
“Look,” she said over the purr of the engine, “I came to take care of my grandmother. I put her first. Does
she want me to stay longer? Yes. Would I like to stay on? Of course. But I have a job. I have responsibilities. So I have to ask myself, does my grandmother really need my help? No. You know as well as I do that I don’t belong here. I don’t live here. If you think I’m leaving because I need to be needed, maybe you’re right. But don’t go reading too much into the obvious.”
“What’s obvious is that, lately, you’ve seemed like a different person than the woman who barged in on me that first day.”
“Barge? I did not barge.”
He raised his arms. “Whatever. What I’m trying to say is that the country seemed to agree with you. You seemed relaxed, more carefree, mellow.”
She stared at him in disbelief. Had he really given her a compliment? “Well, thank you, I think,” she said at last.
“That’s not all. As you’ve noticed, I have started working again, and I have you to thank for it.” He paused and braced his arms against the car and leaned down. His face was only inches from hers. “I can’t believe you were going to leave without saying goodbye.”
She bit her lip. How could she deny it? How could she deny that her heart was beating frantically, that her hands were shaking so badly, she’d wrapped her fingers tightly around the steering wheel so he wouldn’t notice. Even now, knowing that he wasn’t interested in her, she wanted to look deep into his eyes to see if there was something there, something that could make her change her mind about him. Most of all, she wanted to know if he really cared that she was leaving. Before she could ask, he straightened.
“I thought we were friends,” he added. “I’ll miss you. But I’ll get over it. I always do.”
She blinked. His bitterness shouldn’t surprise her. She was leaving just like his wife had. Only she was not his wife. Not his anything. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t plan on missing him. Not at all. But then, he was alone in the country while she’d be back in the midst of things. There was no way she was going to miss him, and she didn’t intend to lie about it just to be polite.
“Good luck,” she said. That was safe.
“Thanks.” He stepped back and she pulled away. In the rearview mirror she could see him standing there in the road, watching her drive away. Why she should have a hollow feeling in the middle of her chest, she didn’t know. Turning onto the highway, she felt a huge surge of relief. She wouldn’t have to see him again. She wouldn’t have to be afraid of running into him at Granny’s or in town. She’d be able to stand in front of her open window at dawn in San Francisco without the possibility of looking down to see him and his truck parked below.
When she got back, instead of going straight to the office, she went home. The apartment, with its view of the bridge and the bay, seemed cold and empty, despite the fact that the cleaning lady had been there and turned on the heat for her. She called Granny, and when she heard her grandmother’s voice, her eyes filled with tears. What on earth was wrong with her? Granny sounded positively cheerful. No words of blame or regret.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Amelia asked.
“Of course. I’m just fine. Brian is here. We’re having a cup of tea together.”
“How nice,” Amelia said, her pulse accelerating for no reason at all—other than she could picture Brian sitting at Granny’s table, with his broad shoulders and long legs seeming to take up the whole room. She wondered what his expression had been on hearing she’d called. Had he frowned? Had he gotten up and left the room? Had he let one of those half smiles tilt the corner of his mouth? Was he going to ask to talk to her? If so, what should she say?
There was a long silence. Amelia didn’t know what else to say, and apparently Granny didn’t, either. Amelia wondered if they’d talked about her. Brian wouldn’t dare say anything negative about her, or Granny would leap to her defense, wouldn’t she?
“How are things at work?” Granny asked finally.
“Oh, I haven’t checked yet. I’m sure everything will work out. I was tired, so I came straight home.” But tired wasn’t exactly the word for what Amelia was feeling. She was let down, restless and out of sorts. She thought she’d be glad to be home, but when she opened the window and breathed in the brisk San Francisco air, the noise of the traffic was jarring, and she closed the window with a sharp bang.
“Brian says to say hello,” Granny said.
Amelia swallowed hard. What was she supposed to say to that? “Okay, well, I’ll let you go,” Amelia said.
“Goodbye, dear, and thank you so much for coming up to take care of me. I hope you’ll come back sometime when I’m more fun.”
“Granny, you’re always fun. I had a great time. I will come back.” But would she? Not if Brian Wolf was still in the neighborhood.
Brian left Helen’s house and took a long walk in the woods with his dog.
“So she’s gone,” he said. “She’s back where she belongs. Didn’t I tell you she wouldn’t last?”
Dante barked his assent as they scrambled down a steep trail. Brian had to admit that Amelia’s visit had changed him. He’d actually started working again. How had she done it? Unlike others, she’d never told him to start work. She didn’t bribe or threaten him. She’d just shown interest. He’d thought she was sincere.
Hell, he’d thought she was a lot more than sincere. He’d thought she was beautiful, sexy, edgy, warm, exciting. And, damn it, he missed her. How could that be? He barely knew her. She’d only been here for a matter of days, and she’d only been gone a few hours. He’d been fine before she came, he’d be fine now that she’d left. But he wasn’t fine now. He wasn’t able to do anything—not work, not split wood, not read or surf the Internet. His mind was in turmoil. Was it just because she’d left?
Why had she left so suddenly? Because he’d been honest with her? Because he’d told her he would never love again? Why would she care? She’d seemed interested in him, yes, but that was only because she didn’t know him.
When she’d called her grandmother, it was all he could do to keep from grabbing the phone and telling her…what? What could he have said that would make any sense? I miss you? I wish you hadn’t left? There’s an ache in my gut that I can’t get rid of, and it’s all your fault? You had to come up here and show me that all women aren’t the same? But she was the same. She couldn’t wait to get back to her real life. But was that because of what he’d told her? He knew that he wasn’t capable of loving a woman the way she should be loved. No, his work had always come first.
But not now. Now his work held as little interest as it had before she’d arrived.
“What’s wrong with me?” he asked Dante. “I spoil everything with Amelia by telling her the truth about how much my work means to me, and yet, I can’t force myself to get back to my computer or to my shop.”
Dante stopped and looked at him, his head tilted to one side as if he were just as perplexed as Brian was. His eyes were warm and sympathetic. Brian rubbed his head. “Thanks, buddy,” he said drily. “I appreciate your empathy. But what I need is advice. What should I do? Never mind, I know the answer. Pretend she never came. Roll back the clock to that day she stumbled on our place. Amelia with her hair like polished brass and her high heels and her attitude. Why didn’t you scare her off then? No, you had to fall for her. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be in the place we are now. If you’d barked, snarled, jumped on her, she would have run away. But there was something about her, wasn’t there? Something that lingers and gets to you. The smell of her hair in the sunshine, the sound of her voice, the dark bedroom window over there. Why does everything remind me of her? Never mind. You don’t know the answers any more than I do. We’ll give it a day or two. Then we’ll see. You can be sure of one thing—she’s not thinking about us. You heard that phone conversation with Helen? She never asked about us. Why? Because she doesn’t care. She’s already forgotten us. Just like we’re going to forget her.”
Chapter Nine
Amelia had thought it would be painful to tell Jeff she wasn’t going to
marry him. He looked shocked, but not hurt.
“I don’t get it,” he said over coffee after work a few days after she’d returned from the country. “What happened up there in the country?”
“Nothing, why?” Amelia crossed her fingers in her lap to keep from being struck by lightning for lying. Something had happened up there in the country. She’d fallen for a man who had no intention of falling for anyone ever again. Especially not her. The good thing was that no one knew. No one suspected that she’d fallen in love all by herself. Love? Could a person fall in love in a few days? Okay, maybe it wasn’t love. But if it wasn’t, it would have to do until the real thing came along.
Love or lust, whatever it was, was sad when it was one-sided. So sad, she felt like lying down and having a good cry. It was actually worse than sad. It was pathetic, and it was downright stupid. But there it was.
“When you left here I thought we had an understanding,” Jeff said with a look of total confusion.
Amelia took a deep breath. “I was going to think it over. I did, and I decided it wasn’t going to work.”
“But why? We have so much in common.” He reached for her hand across the table and squeezed it lightly.
Amelia felt nothing but annoyed. She pulled her hand back. She wished he could just accept the fact that she wasn’t that interested in him. She had really misled him, and for that, she was truly sorry, because she knew how that felt.
“That’s not enough,” she said. She knew that now. Just one kiss from someone else had told her she wanted more than compatibility.
“Not enough?” Jeff said incredulously. “What more do you want?”
What she wanted was thrills. She wanted excitement. She wanted to be surprised. She wanted to go back on the roller coaster, to bury her face against Brian’s shoulder, to feel his arm around her. She wanted to fly through the air, her heart in her throat. She wanted to hear the screams of joy. She wanted to get on the roller coaster of life, go through its ups and downs with someone at her side who understood her. She wanted to jump up and down on a pogo stick, to feel young again, or rather, young for the first time in her life.
