Giving up on his brothers, Sep thought he should seek wiser counsel. He tapped a message to his fail-safe friend Inna Jjiphii in the hope of finding it.
‘Just a small problem Inna. The Glothic Cosmic Cruiser you so kindly supplied is now successfully loaded with both the Erdeans from Lacertilian plus the Erdean Royals and their ne'er-do-well associates. So mission accomplished – somewhat. It has though been brought to my attention that a little calamity on Erde has resulted in the entire surface of the planet suddenly and forever being rendered unfit for even non-breathing life forms. So I was wondering if you might have a suggestion as to where I might relocate them? Sep.’
Inna lived up to his reputation for reacting very quickly by sending his reply within seconds.
‘NOT Lacertilian!’
‘Rapid, concise and to the point as usual,’ Sep mumbled to himself yet hoped for a second message from Inna with perhaps more detailed ideas. He waited. And waited. Then made a reasonable decision in the circumstances. He needed to find someone else to ask. The occasion presented itself, somewhat surprisingly, over a splendid buffet breakfast the morning after.
‘Boiled, scrambled or poached sir?’ the egg chef asked after Sep had selected the attractively purple tinted Quadkwak eggs as his choice.
‘Is there a preferred way for these eggs?’
‘Definitely poached sir.’
‘Well, I’ll take your advice.’
‘Very good sir. They’ll just take a minute or two.’
‘I’ll wait then shall I?’
‘If you wish sir. Or I can have them served at your table.’
‘Um, I think I’ll wait. And um, just a question.’
‘Yes sir?’
‘What is a Quadkwak?’
‘Oh it’s a very rare bird sir. One of the only kwakking varieties of birds in the entire Twelve Sun Systems. There have been others I believe, but they’re extinct I think.’
‘What a pity.’
‘Yes sir. A shame indeed. But I’ve heard that there are kwakking bird varieties in far flung Sun Systems.’
‘Is that so?’
‘Yes sir.’
‘How do you know all this?
‘Oh, my brother is a specialist in rare birds and egg pressing.’
‘I’ve never heard of egg pressing. What is it?’
‘A bit like flower pressing sir, but a bit messier.’
‘I pity the pages of the book.’
‘Ah, yes sir, very funny.’
‘So how does your brother know about these birds on far flung Sun Systems?’
‘Oh he’s always travelling for his job. He’s the curator at the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History.’
‘Unnatural?’
‘Well, unnatural as in not natural within the Twelve Sun Systems. Oh, here you are,’ the chef said as he handed the plate of poached Quadkwak eggs to Sep.
‘Thank you,’ Sep said and set off for his table as he considered a morning visit to the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History.
Sep finished his breakfast and noticed the egg chef was alone.
‘Excuse me. If you wouldn’t mind. What is your brother’s name? I might visit his museum and would be interested in meeting him.’
‘Oh sure sir. Just ask for Fflemm. Everyone there knows him.’
‘Fflemm?’
‘Yes sir. Our family name is Xyzigucoffoziniscowkli.’
‘Is what?’
‘Exactly sir. Just ask for Fflemm.’
‘Yes. I see your point. Thank you.’
*****
Kwakking birds weren’t of special interest to Sep, but the fact that they were breathing creatures that existed outside the Twelve Sun Systems gave him an idea. So long as Gloth ruled over the Twelve Sun Systems, there was little chance of finding a nice, comfortable and hopefully bluish little planet for his Erdeans within the realms of Gloth’s control. Perhaps he should look further. Even if they were the bane of the Blood Brotherhood and considered akin to vermin, he still held no hard feelings against Erdeans. He recalled that even though he had complained bitterly while with him, he had actually missed Hal after he had left. Well, apart from his habitual sneezing and abject clumsiness.
‘Good morning sir, welcome to the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History. A morning or full day pass?’
‘Actually I was hoping I might be able to speak to Fflemm.’
‘Do you have an appointment sir?’
‘No.’
‘Oh I’m afraid the director is very busy sir.’
‘His brother said I should call by.’
‘Oh, are you family?’
‘No, but we’re close.’
‘I see. Just one moment sir. And your name sir?’
‘Septimity. Septimity Fish-Roe.’
‘Won’t be a moment,’ the receptionist said as she disappeared.
Sep occupied himself while he waited by scanning the mandatory rack of tourist brochures and then the display of special upcoming exhibitions. It seemed that the next big event was going to be ‘Man Eating Marsupials From Mesquitt Major’. Described as an enormous planet with infinitely deep oceans and as infinitely high mountains, it was located in the mythical Sixteenth Sun System. The blurb indicated that actual, real and live marsupials would be on display for the discerning visitors. Sep was so lost in wondering about how high an infinitely high mountain might be that he failed to hear Fflemm’s first attempt at a pleasant hello.
‘Would like free tickets?’
‘Oh, I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.’
‘Marsupials do that.’
‘What?’ Sep said a little taken aback by the man standing in front of him. Childishly young looking but with a mane of long black hair down to his backside. While that would have been enough in most circumstances, it was the fact that he had one normalish blue eye and one bright pink eye that seemed to flash on and off that really threw Sep.
‘Lose people.’
‘Oh I see. As opposed to mammals.’
‘Well, mammals are so normal, aren’t they?’
‘Um, well perhaps. Sun System Sixteen. So it’s real?’
‘I hope so because I’ve just returned from there. Unless I was dreaming of course.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to have been so rude. I’m Septimity Fish-Roe. You must be Fflemm Xziggi, er Zxyjj, um…...’
‘Yes, I’m Fflemm. Sorry about my family name. It’s an impossibility. Just call me Fflemm.’
‘I’m very pleased to meet you then Fflemm. Everyone calls me Sep.’
‘Well Sep. I gather you’ve met my brother.’
‘Yes. He’s good for business so it seems.’
‘Um, ah of course, I see what you mean. Yes, he does send the odd guest at his hotel our way.’
‘Look, I don’t want to take up your time, but I called by in the hope you might be able to help me.’
‘No problem at…… Um, are you related to September? The old guy who had the big funeral a couple of days ago. I watched it, and well, you look an awful……’
‘I’m his grandson.’
‘Thought there was a resemblance.’
‘A lot of people say that. Not sure why really.’
‘So you’re part of the Blood Brotherhood then?’
‘Um, well, I suppose so.’
‘My dad was a member. Pity he didn’t live long enough to see the day of Ichor.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry.’
‘That’s ok.’
‘If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know he was a member? It was very secretive.’
‘My brother and I used to steal his Q’muniktor to send messages to our friends. He could never remember his password, so gave up using one. Then we could read all his messages.’
‘So the Brotherhood wasn’t such a good secret.’
‘Well, all our friends at school knew about it.’
‘Oh dear. Did I waste all my years on Titania?’
‘Sorry?’
‘Oh nothin
g. Look, I just popped by on the off chance to see if you may be able to help me with something.’
‘Sure. If I can.’
‘Have you heard of Erde?’
‘Yes of course. That strange little blue planet.’
‘That’s the one. Well, it blew up.’
‘No harm done from what I know. Always trouble from what I understand from my father.’
‘Yes, well no trouble anymore it would seem.’
‘And why are you telling me this?’
‘Well, I have a little problem you see and I was hoping you might be able to help me and point me in the right direction.’
‘If I can.’
‘Well, I’m looking for a new little blue planet.’
‘Like Erde?’
‘Yes. Blue, oceans, gorillas, monkeys, bananas and only one moon if possible. All that stuff.’
‘Sounds like you’re homesick.’
‘Oh no, not me. But I do know a few people who are.’
‘Erdeans?’
‘Yes, some very lost souls.’
‘Very lost it would seem now.’
‘Look, I don’t know anyone who’s travelled outside of our Twelve Sun Systems and I gather you have. So I was just wondering…..’
‘If I were you Sep, I’d look in Sun System Twenty-Four. There’s a rather strange little blue planet there I visited a few years back. Nothing much of interest for me, but it maybe close to what you’re looking for. Blue, lots of oceans and some low intelligence humanoid-cum-ape species wandering about.’
‘So it’s inhabited. I mean, intelligent life so to speak.’
‘Intelligent might be an exaggeration. They were all a bit confused by my arrival and started running around, jumping up and down and getting very upset. Lots of incomprehensible screaming and panicking and yes that’s right, a lot of sirens. No idea what it all meant though, but clearly they weren’t used to having guests. But they seem to be modestly civilised.’
‘Um, what about bananas?’
‘Not sure about bananas Sep. Maybe. But there were lots of birds flapping about when I went there – if it helps – but I was looking for intelligent insects so it was a waste of time for me really. But it’s really a long, long way away from any habited planet. The closest is in Sun System Thirteen. Hardly anyone knows the planet even exists.’
‘A long way away huh? Sounds promising. What about moons?’
‘Just the one. Totally colourless and boring.’
‘So what’s this planet called?’
‘Earth.’
Where To Now?
‘Where?’
‘Sun System Twenty-Four.’
‘I didn’t know there was a Twenty-Four,’ Stikkly Smikkle said still confused by Sep’s idea.
‘Yes. It’s there.’
‘But how far is it Sep? It must be light years away.’
‘Oh I don’t know about all the technicalities, but with a Cosmic Cruiser it must be easy.’
‘Well, it’s big, but it’s really just an oversized passenger ship Sep. Not something designed for deep space flight.’
‘Well, can you check and see what’s possible?’
‘Alright. I’ll check, but I can’t promise you anything. To get to the outer Sun Systems means navigating through a few CTCs.’
‘A few what?’
‘Closed timelike curves. They reduce the time it takes to get to a place a long way away but they’re normally only useful for small craft and also extremely dangerous. I really don’t know that a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser has ever been flung though one.’
‘Flung?’
‘Yes, it’s a bit like a sling-shot.’
‘Sounds easy enough.’
‘Maybe, but one miscalculation and you could end up being stuck inside the CTC forever and never be seen again. Or worse, shot out at ten times the speed of light and shot straight into the nearest sun.’
‘I really think this Earth sounds like a nice new home for our passengers,’ Sep said, ignoring Smikkle’s dire warnings.
‘Alright Sep. Let me look at it. I don’t want to be floating around in Gloth orbit forever either.’
‘I knew you’d be able to do it.’
‘Give me a day or so. I can’t promise you anything yet.’
‘I’ll start making plans then.’
‘Alright then. Let me see what I can do,’ Smikkle said giving up on trying to convince Sep of the dangers. ‘Are you staying aboard or going back down to Gloth?’
‘I might stay for tonight and go back tomorrow, if that’s all right with you.’
*****
‘How long have you been in service at the palace Mr Kcaapaak?’
‘Oh, I think it must be nearing sixty years sir,’ Kcaapaak replied as he helped Huphnic Grundlestick, the new Supreme Potentate, dress for an official dinner with the ambassadors from Sun System Nine.
‘So you’ve seen many Potentates come and go then.’
‘Too many I’m afraid sir. Far too many.’
‘Yes, I imagine it wasn’t easy. Quite an unpredictable lot the Gregorians in recent years.’
‘All I can say sir, is that I’m very pleased to serve you.’
‘You are discreet Mr Kcaapaak. Something I value highly indeed. So do you intend to stay in service?’
‘I have a few years left in me yet I believe sir, and if it is your wish, I am very much looking forward to your term as Supreme Potentate. I have waited a long time as have many of my brothers.’
‘So you’re a member of the Blood Brotherhood then.’
‘Yes sir, but only as one who hoped for change one day.’
‘As we all were Mr Kcaapaak. I’m still amazed by how many people on Gloth were members yet the secret remained so secure. I never would have believed that such high ranking officials as Kaybob Krizzle, The Puissant of Karhoonaa were Blood Brotherhood members.’
‘Yes, it was quite a shock sir for me too sir. The day of your investiture was certainly full of surprises.’
‘Well Mr Kcaapaak, am I fittingly attired for an official Glothic dinner?’
‘Yes sir. All done.’
‘Damn uncomfortable though if you ask me.’
‘It would seem that the official wardrobe for the Supreme Potentate was designed with purposes in mind other than comfort sir.’
‘Similar to my dress uniforms in Glothic High Command. Oh well, hopefully the next Potentate will believe in a less formal approach.’
‘You could make some changes yourself sir, if you pardon my being so forward.’
‘I could yes. But my very short term is only to permit a smooth transition to a new Supreme Potentate and not to make changes.’
‘I understand sir. So do you intend to return to Glothic High Command once your tenure is complete?’
‘Perhaps, or maybe retirement would be a better idea.’
‘Well sir, your guests await your arrival. Shall I call the Gregori…oh, I’m sorry. Old habits die hard. Shall I call the Glothic Guard to accompany you to the dining hall?’
‘Yes. I’m ready.’
Within a few minutes six members of the newly unified Glothic Guard, which was a merger the old Gregorian Guard with two specialised units from the Glothic High Command Guard, arrived to escort Huphnic the First to dinner. Kcrikklli Kcaapaak closed the doors of the Royal dressing room and then stood at the window overlooking the Palace Gardens. Reflecting on the last short few days that had brought so much change and restored his pride in being the man in waiting to the Supreme Potentate. At last after so many years he was again respected by his employer and could conduct himself with dignity. What he appreciated the most was that finally he could enter into intelligent and polite conversation while conducting his duties.
He tidied the dressing room and once finished, headed to the staff quarters for a short break. Arriving just after eight to find a number of palace staff relaxing after their rosters had finished.
‘Ah Kcrikklli! Come and join us for a drink,’
Sone Swifftli said as he and a group of palace tailors were clearly winding down for the day. Kcrikklli nodded his acceptance and started towards the table.
‘And Chef too!’ Sone said as Chef walked in behind Kcrikklli.
‘Well, we may as well then,’ Chef said to Kcrikklli as they walked towards the table.
‘A good day then gentlemen?’ Sone asked.
‘A splendid day. Couldn’t wish for better,’ Kcrikklli replied.
‘Yes, I have to agree. What a change in just a few days. And no more damn bowls of Kiddlepops flying around the dining room,’ Chef said with a hearty laugh.
‘Now that is an improvement Chef.’
‘Well Kcrikklli, if you do miss them, I’ll happily prepare a bowl for your breakfast,’ Chef laughed.
‘Never Chef!’
‘And you Sone? How’s your lot now,’ Chef asked.
‘So little to do now. This Huphnic fellow is a dream come true. I had to do some minor alterations for him yesterday and he is so polite and easy to talk to. It was all done so quickly, I was actually disappointed that we’d finished.’
‘Same here. He came down to visit the kitchen. No Potentate has ever visited my kitchen so I was shocked to see him walk in unannounced. But he just said he was having a look around and wanted to meet me and my staff. All the lads were smiling for hours later. He seems like a real gentleman.’
‘I can vouch for that Chef,’ Kcrikklli said. ‘In a way I’m only disappointed that his commission is so short. We can only hope for someone half his equal as our next Potentate.’
‘Well, we’d better enjoy it while we can,’ Sone added. ‘But it could never be as bad as the last horrid years. I’m so glad to see the back of those Gregorians.’
‘Me too,’ Chef said. ‘By the way. Where are they all now?’
‘In orbit on a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser I believe,’ Kcrikklli said.
‘So where to for that lot?’ Chef asked.
‘No idea. I did hear a rumour that they were going to be sent back to Erde.’
Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) Page 10
