“What about Caleb?” Madison asked, pushing Miles hand away from her top.
“He’s going home with a friend for the afternoon and dinner. I’ll pick him up after my meeting.”
“Okay.”
“Maddie, you know the rules right?”
“Yeah. I know them,” she said, as she again pushed away her boyfriend’s probing hand.
“I can trust you, right?” Michelle asked.
“What do you think?” Madison replied defensively. She heard her mother sigh.
“Alright. I’ll see you around eight. There’s leftover chicken and vegetables in the fridge.”
“Got it. See you at eight.”
Madison and Miles had the house to themselves.
Across town, Joan was awakening from her afternoon nap. As she shuffled into the kitchen to prepare a cup of tea, the photo of Madison appeared on the screen of the slideshow picture frame. Gazing at her face, Joan suddenly felt a prompting to call her great granddaughter. She glanced up at the kitchen clock. Three-thirty. She should be home from school by now. Reaching for the phone, she dialed the number.
Miles pulled Madison into his arms. “Eight o’clock, huh?”
“Yeah,” she replied with a smile.
“I guess we’ll have to find a way to fill the time,” he mused, taking her by the hand and leading her to the stairway.
A voice in Madison’s head warned her not to go, but Miles gave her the sweetest smile and leaned over to whisper in her ear, “We’ll just relax and snuggle a little, okay?”
She nodded and began following him upstairs. Her phone rang again, and she glanced down at the screen. Grams? Why would she be calling.
“You aren’t going to spend the afternoon on the phone, are you?” Miles asked, a pleading puppy-dog look on his face.
Madison hit the silence button and made a mental note to call her back later, after her mom got home.
As they stretched out on the floor of her bedroom, Madison nestled down beside him, resting her head on his chest. “I like this room,” he said.
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’s pretty. Like you.”
She smiled. “I’m glad you think so.”
He shifted his body and eased her head onto the floor then bent down and kissed her. “You taste good,” he murmured softly. “It’s that cherry lipgloss isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“Think I’ll have a little more,” he replied, his kiss turning to a deep, passionate one.
She rolled onto her side, and they lay facing each other, entwined in a close embrace while they continued to kiss. Soon he was unhooking her bra and removing her top. As he gazed at her, he leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “I love you, Madison. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known.”
Her heart soared, and as their lips met, her resolve melted away. The boundaries dissolved completely, and soon they were both undressed. As his hands explored her body, Madison experienced feelings she’d never felt before. She gave all of herself in spite of her reservations. It wasn’t until afterward that she realized the full implication of their actions.
And then she felt another sensation she’d never experienced before. A feeling of utter panic coursed through her veins. She felt her throat close tight and her stomach clench as her heart pounded loudly in her ears.
“Are you okay?” Miles asked, as he pulled on his jeans.
She forced a smile, feeling lightheaded and afraid to stand. “Sure. Yeah, I’m fine.” She struggled to get dressed, took a deep breath, and then the panic seemed to subside.
As she stood up, Miles drew her into his arms. He bent down and looked into her eyes, giving her a long, deep kiss. “I’ve been waiting for that for a long time,” he said.
“Me, too,” she lied.
“Well, maybe I’d better leave,” he said after another kiss. “We don’t want your parents to show up with me here.”
“Right.” Besides, she thought, what would we do now? It didn’t seem like the time to watch television together or pull out homework. Something had changed. Everything. Now Miles loved her. But was she ready for that? Madison wasn’t sure.
Joan sat in her rocking chair with her tea, her spirit unsettled. Oh, Lord, what is it? What’s happening with Maddie? Should I call Michelle? Waiting for an answer, she rocked and continued to pray. Please protect her, Father. Give her wisdom, and help her know You are always there, watching over her.
The doorbell rang, and it was Margie. After offering her a cup of tea, Joan confessed her concerns. “Something’s not right. I can feel it in my bones,” she told her friend.
“Well, then let’s call the Sisters and step up our prayers,” Margie replied.
And that is exactly what they did. Silver-haired Sisters swung their swords of faith as they leveled scriptures against the forces of darkness.
The next ten days seemed to drag on for eternity as Madison waited for her period. All she could think about was her brother’s birthmother, Amber, and how she’d gotten pregnant in eighth grade. At least Miles is almost eighteen, Madison thought. And he says he loves me.
She tried to picture what it would be like if she were pregnant. Would they get married? Would they live here with her parents while they finished school?
And what would Luke think of her?
“What difference does that make?” she asked herself aloud. “Luke is my past. Miles is my future.”
But she’d noticed some things about Miles lately that concerned her. For one, he seemed to always be trying to figure out ways they could be alone somewhere. And even when they were around other people, he found ways to secretly sneak in a caress of her breasts. His kisses in the hall, which had meant so much to her at the beginning, were now prolonged almost to the point of embarrassment, and she’d ended up late to more than one class.
Although he continued to drive her home everyday, she managed to keep him out of her bedroom, explaining that they couldn’t take another chance at being discovered. He’d even taken her out for a drive one afternoon to a pretty secluded area where they could be alone, but as they kissed and he began working her clothes off, she stopped him. “Not here. This doesn’t feel right,” she’d said.
Another thing that bothered her was that he’d sometimes make a comment indicating he was getting more open to going to church, but in the end, he always had some excuse when the weekend rolled around. Until they got that issue settled, she needed to keep the relationship low key with her parents. Since they didn’t know she was hanging out with him every day after school, she just brushed aside their questions about him, focusing more on talking about how she kept inviting him to church but it hadn’t worked out yet.
Finally, the day her period was due came and went. That night the same panic returned that she’d felt with Miles that afternoon in her bedroom. She was lying on her bed listening to music and trying to convince herself that everything would be okay, when it hit again. Her heart raced, pounding so loudly she couldn’t even hear the song that was playing. She felt out of breath, and her throat and stomach were tight.
She was terrified. What’s happening to me? Am I going crazy? She wanted to call Miles or to go and talk to her mom. But she didn’t have the nerve to share her fear with her boyfriend, and there was no way she was telling her mom about what had happened between them.
She forced herself to breathe, and a few minutes later, it subsided just like the last time.
Over the course of the next two days, she had two more panic attacks. Finally, her period started. I’ll be okay now, she thought.
But the following day, when Miles was driving her home from school, it happened again. The world seemed to stop as the panic took over her senses. She lost touch with what was happening around her, every thought directed to just breathing. As it eventually subsided, she heard him say, “Right?”
“What?”
“I said, this is good news, right? That you started your period, I mean,” he said.
“Now we’ll just be careful, and everything will be fine.” He leaned over and kissed her tenderly.
She nodded, fighting the nausea that accompanied these attacks, and wondering if she should tell him there wouldn’t be any other times they’d be together like that. At least not for now. Instead she just said, “Yeah. You’re right.”
“Wanna go get a burger?” he asked.
Her stomach clenched. “Not for me. But if you want one, that’s fine. I don’t mind stopping,” she said, all the time thinking how much she wanted to get out of the car. It suddenly felt claustrophobic in there.
“Okay, cool,” he replied, turning down the street toward the fast food drive-through.
The smell of his burger and fries just added to her nausea. “I think you’d better just drop me off at home,” she said. “My stomach’s not feeling so good.”
“Maybe you need to eat. You hardly had anything for lunch,” he said, holding his half-eaten burger out for her.
Swallowing the bile in her mouth, she replied, “No thanks. I think I might be getting sick.” She put her hand over her mouth.
“Oh man. You’re not going to barf are you?” he asked, dropping the burger into the wrapper on his lap and focusing on getting her home.
She shook her head and pulled her hand down. Now that they were headed to her house, she was feeling a little better. She just needed some time to herself to sort through everything. She knew she loved Miles, but their physical relationship was beyond what she’d planned.
As she was resting alone in her room that afternoon, Luke called. Madison’s first thought was that she was glad Miles wasn’t there. Luke’s voice tugged at a part of Madison’s heart that she wanted to deny existed. She felt excited and happy and nervous and guilty all mixed together.
“So how are things with you?” he asked.
“Pretty good,” she blurted out, knowing that was far from the truth.
“Lucy said you’ve been dating that guy, Miles, quite a bit. Are you two getting serious?” he asked.
She paused. Whatever she said would probably get back to Lucy and then maybe to Miles. “I guess,” she replied.
“So tell me about him.”
Madison started with a physical description and then led into telling him about Miles’ mom and the struggles they were having with her out of work.
“Maybe he should get a job after school,” Luke suggested.
Madison hadn’t really thought about that idea, especially since that was their time together, in more ways than one. But Luke was right. That would really help Miles’ mom out. “I’ll mention that to him,” she said, wondering if she really would. Then changing the subject, she asked, “How about you? Are you dating anyone?”
“Not really. Nothing serious.” He paused for a moment. “There’s a girl I’ve become good friends with. But there’s nothing else to it. At least, yet.”
Surprisingly, Madison felt her heart flip flop over the word yet. So Luke was thinking this girl might become his girlfriend. Why should she care about that? After all she had Miles. “Cool,” was all she said in return.
They talked for a while longer about school and their families, and Madison noticed how comfortable it was to just talk to him. She and Miles didn’t seem to do much talking these days. By the time they hung up, she had to admit she really missed having Luke around.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Stepping on the bathroom scale, Madison was surprised to see she’d lost another five pounds. Her clothes were getting looser and looser. She’d probably have to ask her mom for some money to buy new jeans and shorts. Although her panic attacks really scared her, they also curbed her appetite almost completely. The extra weight her jogging hadn’t been able to budge was now dropping off so easily.
Miles noticed it, too. “You’re looking really hot these days,” he said with a smile as he rested his hand on her rear end while they walked down the hall.
“Thanks,” she replied, looking up and smiling. It felt good to be thin, and she could see the envy in other girls’ eyes as Miles fawned over her on campus. He seemed to always have a hand on her when they were together, and he never walked away without giving her a deep and lingering kiss. Although she sometimes felt embarrassed, she also found herself feeling a little more confident and attractive.
But the anxiety and panic attacks continued at a steady pace. Miles was pushing for more “alone” time. And she knew what that meant. He promised he’d use protection, but she’d heard of a senior who got pregnant and swore she and her boyfriend had used condoms every time. When Madison casually mentioned that to her mother, she was surprised by the response.
“You know, honey, I think condoms are only about eighty-five percent effective in preventing pregnancy.”
“Really? I thought it was more than that. They kind of push them in health ed as being pretty safe.”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “It really irks me that the schools are giving kids that impression. One little tear or pinprick hole, or even just not using them correctly is all it takes for a baby to be made.”
“Well, at least they protect against AIDS, right?” Madison asked.
Michelle shook her head. “Think about it, Maddie. If condoms only prevent pregnancy eighty-five percent of the time, and pregnancy can only occur one day per month, but AIDS can be transmitted anytime, how smart is it to rely on them for safe sex?” She took Madison’s hand in hers and looked her in the eye. “I’m glad you’ve got the common sense to wait until marriage, Maddie. Unfortunately, most kids buy into the mentality that everyone’s doing it, and all they need is to be sure to use a condom.”
Madison felt a wave of nausea and the beginning of another panic attack. She just nodded to her mom and then said, “I’ve gotta go do my homework.” By the time she was in her bedroom with the door closed, her heart was pounding so loud she thought it would explode. She was sweating all over, and she could barely catch her breath. It took a full five minutes before her symptoms began to subside. She nearly bolted for the bathroom once, thinking she’d throw up any second.
When Caleb knocked on the door an hour later and announced, “Dinner’s ready,” Madison knew she couldn’t face her mother or food for that matter.
“Just tell Mom I’m not feeling good. I’ll have something to eat later,” she said.
“Suit yourself,” he replied, shaking his head and walking away.
A few minutes later, her father appeared at her doorway. “What’s going on?” he asked.
“Nothing,” she replied. “I’m just not hungry. My stomach’s a little upset.”
He studied her. “You’ve got us worried, sweetheart. Your mom and I have both noticed how thin you’re looking.”
“I just haven’t had that much of an appetite lately,” she said, trying to sound reassuring.
“Maybe you need to see the doctor. Just to be sure there’s nothing wrong,” he suggested, sitting down on the bed near her.
Madison’s stomach clenched again. The last thing she wanted to do was see a doctor. He’d probably figure out she’d had sex. Or he’d find out about her attacks and put her on some psych meds or something. Why couldn’t her parents just leave her alone?
“I’m fine, Dad. Seriously. It’s probably just girl stuff. Ask Mom. She’ll tell you. Sometimes it just makes us not feel right.”
He pursed his lips and looked her in the eye. When he put his hand on her arm, she almost let her guard down and spilled everything. But something held her back. He’d never understand. No one would. Even Miles thought everything was great. No one really knew that she was losing herself and terrified she was losing her mind at the same time.
Thankfully, her mother’s voice called up from downstairs. “Are you two coming? Dinner’s getting cold.”
“Be right down,” Steve called back in reply. Turning to Madison, he added, “If you don’t start feeling better soon, I think the doctor is our next step. Girl stuff or not. This isn’t healthy.” He gave he
r a hug and then stood and left the room.
As soon as he was gone, Madison picked up a magazine and started flipping through it. Maybe looking at ideas for new outfits would get her mind off of everything. As she perused the pages, she started relaxing. Noticing a couple of pairs of jeans with decorative back pockets, she nodded. “These would look good on me now,” she said in a soft voice. Panic attacks or not, she was happy to have her new figure. And so was Miles.
“I was thinking maybe we could go shopping today after school,” Madison suggested to Miles the next day. His hand was in her back jeans pocket, his new way of attaching himself to her in the hallway.
“Why?” he asked.
“I need new jeans. These are getting loose on me.”
“Yeah, I noticed that,” he replied, giving her cheek a little squeeze inside the pocket. “I guess we could stop by there on the way to your house,” he added, pulling his hand out of her pocket and sliding it up under the back of her top to rest it on her skin. “What time does your mom get home today?”
“The usual. By four at the latest.”
“Maybe we should go there first, and then I could take you shopping when she gets there,” he suggested, caressing the skin on her side.
She leaned into him and his hand slipped around to her abdomen, the fingers nudging into the front of her pants. Hugging his arm against her body, she aborted his effort. “There’s a teacher right up there,” she murmured, tipping her head in the direction they were walking.
He laughed and pulled his hand away, coming out from under her shirt and draping his arm loosely over her shoulder. “We’ll figure it out after school, okay?” he said, as he leaned down, gave her a quick but intimate kiss, and peeled out the side door.
“Okay,” she replied to the air he left behind. She really wanted to talk to him about the condom thing. If it really was only eight-five percent effective, maybe they should cool it a little. She wasn’t ready to go on the pill or anything, and she sure didn’t want to get pregnant.
Behind Her Smile Page 12
