As they were putting things away later that evening, Madison noticed Luke and Ben talking. Whatever it was about, they looked pretty serious.
“Guess that’s it for tonight,” Lucy said as she closed the final box of supplies. “Want to take a walk before we go inside?”
Madison thought for a moment. “Thanks, but I think I’ll go take a shower and get ready for bed.”
“Okay. See you in there,” her friend replied, as she headed off to join a group of girls across the lawn.
Madison’s mood shifted as she gathered up her things and went to take a shower. A sense of sadness and unexplainable loneliness filled her heart. The pit of unworthiness she’d been fighting to crawl out of all year seemed to swallow her once again.
“What’s wrong with me?” she asked herself as she went through the motions of showering and getting into bed. Exhaustion, coupled with despair, took hold of her. I need to pray, she thought, but the words wouldn’t come.
Ever since Christmas, she’d been praying, just as she and Luke had agreed to do. But from the time he’d returned home for summer, he’d treated her just like a friend, nothing more. Deep in her heart, she’d known that was the way it had to be. And she’d reminded herself of that after every prayer.
Luke was different. Really special. And God had a plan for him that likely included a very special girl as well. Someone who could come alongside him without any dark past. Someone who could be his “first” just as he could be hers.
Closing her eyes against unwanted tears, she silently begged God to take away the ache in her heart. Help me stay focused on the kids, Lord, and remember why I’m here. And help me let go of Luke. She fell asleep feeling completely spent.
The next five days, she tried to limit her contact with Luke. If he was playing with the kids outside, she’d go inside and offer to help prepare the next meal. When he worked on the retaining wall, she volunteered to paint the dining area. At VBS, they sometimes crossed paths in a relay or at the snack table, but she focused her attention squarely on her charges, trying to keep her eyes always on them.
“Are you mad at Luke?” Lucy asked on the second to the last day.
Madison flinched inwardly. Then feigning surprise asked, “Me?”
“Yeah. You. You seem different,” Lucy observed.
Shaking her head in denial, Madison replied, “No. Everything’s fine. I’m just trying to do whatever needs to be done around here before we leave to go home.”
Lucy studied her. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.” Madison took a deep breath. “Well, I guess I’ll go start packing.” Before Lucy could say anything else, she disappeared into the sleeping quarters.
That night, after all the activities were completed and the final VBS prizes were distributed, Luke approached Madison. “Can we talk?” he asked.
Madison knew what was coming. He’d try to let her down gently, so there were no questions to resolve when they got home. After all, he needed to head back to college in another ten days.
“I was thinking you might like to see that retaining wall we’ve been working on all week,” he added with a smile.
“Sure.” Steeling her heart against disappointment, she followed him across the grounds and behind the schoolhouse. Dusk was settling in, and a welcome breeze joined them.
“So what do you think?” he asked as he swept his arm across the expanse of air in front of the wall.
“It looks great,” she replied, hoping her voice sounded enthusiastic.
“Here, give it a try,” he suggested, taking a seat on it and patting the spot next to himself.
Madison felt torn. Should she sit down beside him, or would it be better to just stand her ground?
“What?” he asked, a puzzled look on his face. “Sit.”
She forced a smile and complied.
They sat silently for a bit, then he asked, “So what did you think of everything this week?”
A flicker of joy alighted upon her. “I loved it. The kids are amazing. They’re so appreciative of everything. The staff, too.” She paused and then added, “It’s made me realize how much we take for granted back home, and how fun it is to do something for others who have so little.” She glanced over at him and saw a warm smile.
“That’s exactly how I feel, too,” he replied. “And it makes it easier for me to say what I’ve been waiting to tell you.”
Here it comes, she thought, her stomach in her throat as she readied herself for the inevitable. He was silent for a moment, so she looked over and saw something she hadn’t expected. Tears. His eyes were filled with tears.
“So, I’ve been praying,” he began, “like we promised each other we would at Christmas.”
“Me, too,” she said softly.
“And the thing is…”
Before he could go on, Madison interrupted him. “You don’t have to say it, Luke. I already know.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. And I understand.” She couldn’t believe her own strength. But she pressed on, “You don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad we could be friends.”
Luke turned and looked her in the eye. “Whoa. Hold on. No one said anything about owing anyone something.”
“I know. You know what I mean,” she replied.
“Madison, would you please give me a chance to say what I need to say?” he countered.
She looked over and waited silently.
He gave her a smile, and his voice trembled a little as he said, “The thing is, Maddie, the more I prayed, the more I realized that my heart already has a home.”
She froze.
“With you.” He reached over and took her hand. “It always has.”
Madison tried to swallow. Her heart about leapt out of her chest with its pounding. “What are you saying?” she managed.
“I’m saying I want the chance to move into the future with you. I don’t know what that will look like down the road, and we both have a long way to go before we can even begin to talk about things like marriage. But I need to know if you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.” His eyes pleaded for understanding and agreement.
Then the voice of darkness cut into her joy. You are not good enough for him, Madison. He will figure that out soon. Better to let him go now.
Suddenly she was in tears herself.
“Madison, what is it?” he asked. “Why are you crying?”
She shook her head, unable to speak.
He pulled her close and the dam broke, tears turning to uncontrollable sobs.
What a jerk I am, she thought. This just proves he shouldn’t be with me. The words Luke had spoken were words she’d never allowed herself to imagine, even in her deepest dreams. The joy she should have been feeling was stolen by the realization that she’d have to turn him down. How else would he ever find a girl who deserved someone as sweet and pure as him?
Finally the tears subsided, and she pushed away from him, standing up to look him in the eye. “It would never work between us, Luke.” She turned and started toward the orphanage, but he was instantly by her side.
“Wait,” he said. “I need to know why.”
Madison hesitated, groping for words. “I think you already do.”
“Is this about Miles and you?”
She hadn’t thought about her old boyfriend once the entire trip. Now his name brought a bitter taste to her mouth. “Yes, and about what you deserve, Luke. Someone who is better than me. Who hasn’t been with someone else, like I have. Someone who can be your first, and you can be hers. Okay, so now I’ve said it.”
He nodded. “I know you think that, Maddie. But you need to know how I see it. Sure, I’d love to have been your first. But what we could have someday—you and me—it would be different. Not like you and Miles. I promise. And because it would be different, it would be like a first for you, too.”
She studied the earnest expression on his face. He really believed that. “But,” she began.
“Madison, stop beating yourself up. The past is over. And you’re not the only one who’s made mistakes. I knew my feelings for you before I even went off to college in the first place. But I convinced myself you needed to be free to date guys in high school and do all the high school stuff like Friday night football games, the prom, all that stuff. Now I realize that I was wrong. If I would have told you how I felt before I left, maybe you wouldn’t have had to go through all of that with Miles.”
She didn’t know what to say.
“The thing is, Madison, I can’t imagine a life without you.”
His words touched Madison's heart deeply. She realized how different Luke's love was from the self-centered love she’d received from Miles. Luke's heart overflowed with God's love—unselfish and unconditional.
“Come here,” he said softly, opening his arms wide.
As they embraced, she rested her head against his chest, and she could hear his heart pounding just like hers. She looked up into his eyes, and he smiled. “I really want to kiss you,” he admitted. “Would you mind?”
He was asking her permission! It touched her heart in ways that moved mountains within. Suddenly she felt special, really special, like maybe she and Luke could make it work. Reaching up, she put one hand on his cheek. “I don’t mind,” she said with a smile.
And when their lips met, she realized God was starting something brand new in her life. The past was over. Luke was her future.
In an apartment a world away, Madison’s great grandmother was about to turn in for the night when her phone rang. It was one of her Silver Sisters. “Did I wake you up?” her friend asked.
“No, I’m just getting ready for bed,” Joan replied.
“Well, I wanted to call you because I’ve been praying for that granddaughter of yours,” she began, “and I suddenly got this feeling in my spirit that she’s going to be just fine.”
NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
Dear Readers,
There are two important themes in Behind Her Smile. One is about the importance of every generation and the interactions and relationships between them. We live in a time and culture where family has become so fractured. Many young people are completely disconnected from their grandparents, not to mention their great grandparents, if they are still alive. Even within a nuclear family, siblings and parents rush off in separate directions much of the time, leaving a vacuum that can result in detriment to everyone.
While some cultures respect and even revere the elderly, western cultures tend to see them as necessary burdens to be managed rather than gifts to be treasured. Although productivity in a worldly sense usually declines after a certain age, godliness and wisdom often grow in place of it. With most families struggling to balance two-income households and keep up with a myriad of side activities for both the children and the adults, time with God is often compromised. Even among those who truly love Him and want to follow Him. Prayers are hurried and sometimes forgotten altogether.
Herein lies the hidden gift of age. For, although many elderly saints like Joan are limited in their physical abilities as their bodies break down, their spirits can shine even brighter as their access to the Throne Room becomes nearly unlimited by time demands. And so, a sense of purpose can actually grow in the spiritual realm for these who have persevered in their faith. Now they can intercede and move mountains on behalf of family and friends, increasing eternal rewards and productivity exponentially. For even a bedridden saint, this can become a season of great investment and reward.
I hope the Silver Sisters of the Sword have inspired you to see aging through a new light.
A second and profound theme pierces into the depths of hearts and minds. Regardless of surface appearances of confidence and self-assurance, secret doubts invade many of us on an occasional or even ongoing basis.
If you’ve ever heard these words of condemnation, —‘Not Good Enough’—playing in your mind, you are not alone. In the realm of good versus evil, the forces of darkness are masterful with lies. And because each lie is part truth with an added twist, we can easily be duped into believing this particular lie from the pit.
Madison wrestled it and desperately sought to find affirmation through a thinner body, a new style of clothing and makeup, and a wrong relationship with an attractive young man. In the end, it was emptiness, and she felt even more worthless than before.
At every age and every stage of life, a sensitive spirit is vulnerable to the label, “Not Good Enough.” Godly wives and mothers like Michelle still find themselves wrestling with how they measure up in their multi-faceted roles. When people age and become grandparents and even great grandparents, their worldly accomplishments begin to wane as the younger generations assume the productive years of work and parenting. And so, the aging population can also feel “Not Good Enough” to be of measureable value.
The staggering truth is that none of us are ‘good enough’ to stand before a Holy God without the miraculous cleansing and transformation provided through the cross of Christ.
But another most amazing truth is that God valued and loved us before our first breath, and He will continue to do so until our very last. Then, those of us in Christ will find ourselves standing in His very presence, clothed in majesty and welcomed into a mansion He prepared just for us.
I hope Behind Her Smile communicated how pervasive the feelings of “Not Good Enough” live in the hearts and minds of even those who love and follow hard after Jesus. As new challenges arise, we often question our own ability or worthiness to undertake them with success. As much as Steve loved Madison and tried to make her feel like his princess, he still felt inadequate to the task of rescuing his daughter from her own self-abasement. And Michelle blamed herself when she realized how far Madison’s journey to finding love had taken her down the enemy’s rabbit hole.
Meanwhile, Joan struggled to overcome her own feelings of declining value and purpose as her memory faltered and her body broke down. If it weren’t for the love of her family and the Silver Sisters of the Sword, she could have easily succumbed to the depression so common in elderly people in our culture, who no longer feel good enough.
It was clear from Rick’s thoughts and inner feelings that he, too, was grappling with his new role as a husband and grandfather. He’d waited a long time for this, and he didn’t want to blow it. When Madison showed up on their doorstep, both he and Sheila wondered how to handle the crisis in young Madison’s life.
Amidst all of these self-doubts and inner questions of whether or not they were or could ever be “good enough,” God was moving forward with His plan of redemption. Like a beautiful tapestry, He wove each person’s backgrounds, strengths and weaknesses, and their love for each other and Him into a masterful picture of His provision and grace that is available to us all.
Looking back on my own life, I recall a time when I was going through one of my many seasons of questioning whether or not I was “good enough.” I awoke in the middle of the night filled with thoughts of self-condemnation, replaying every mistake I’d made and all my failings as a wife, mother, daughter, and friend. As I sat praying and crying, God made His presence known. And the words He spoke to my spirit startled me. “When are you going to stop beating up My little girl?” He asked.
Whoa. I never thought of it that way. But that was exactly what I was doing.
When we come to Him in all our brokenness, He welcomes us into His family, and we become His children—children He loved from the beginning of time, who have finally recognized our need for Him. From that moment forth, we are completely His. While we may still stumble and fall, His unconditional love never wavers, and He never calls us “Not Good Enough.” Never.
In His grace and mercy, He takes even our failings and shortcomings, and miraculously uses them for good. I’m sure you’ve witnessed that from time to time in your life. I know I have.
Although it breaks His heart when we sin, He is able and willing to cast away the darkness and heal and restore us,
using those wrong choices to teach us important life lessons and to use them to someday minister to someone else in a similar struggle, just as Sheila was able to do with her granddaughter, and Madison will likely do herself someday down the road.
It always thrills me when I see how God is able to bring our background to bear on His messages of truth. For me, that involved my years of tampering with New Age beliefs and practices that became the first novel in this series, Out of a Dream, a book revealing the deception of that false religion. For Sheila’s husband, Rick, God took the years he’d spent as an anthropology teacher to prepare him for a very special divine appointment with Madison, at a time when she was questioning what she’d learned about God and marriage. Although that was a fictional scene, the reality is that God stages miraculous encounters like this every day. We just need to be open to His prompting and be willing to share honestly from our hearts when He calls us to do so.
If you have ever wrestled with the label “Not Good Enough,” know that I am right there with you. As a wife, mother, and grandmother, I get caught up in questioning myself and chastising myself on a regular basis. But God is teaching me some important lessons on this. And I believe He is preparing a Bible study for me to share with you—a study that helps us understand how He looks at us and why that is what really matters. Interested? Or know someone who might be? If yes, drop me an email, and I will be sure to add you to my notification list if/when that study is completed and ready to share.
If this is your first Sandy Cove book, and you enjoy traveling in time, you might want to go back to the beginning of the series and read the back-stories of these characters, who have become dear to so many. The stories flow seamlessly in chronological order from Book 1- Book 6. The first book, Out of a Dream is permanently free in eBook form and is also available as an audio book through Amazon or Audible.
For those of you who have journeyed through all the ups and downs of Michelle and her family, please join me in prayer about what God might have next for the series. Something is brewing in the back of my mind, but I’d love to get your input as well.
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