by Megg Jensen
I’d been taught that my entire life. I hadn’t questioned it, but now I wasn’t sure anymore.
Kellan laughed. “You really believe that? You really think that’s true? It’s not. They’re destitute. The teachers have lied to us our whole lives. They are trying to brainwash us into thinking that so when we’re sent back home at twenty, we can brainwash everyone else. Our people want us to stop the king. To take back our rights and freedoms.”
If all this was true, if our people were held in poverty, under the thumb of the Fithians, then we needed to change things. We need to overthrow the government. But killing the ruling class couldn’t be the only answer. There had to be another way.
Kellan grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up to him, but he didn’t hurt me. I was used to rougher handling while fighting.
“Are you with me, Lianne?” he asked. “You have to be. Once I found out all of this on my birthday, when all of it was revealed, I knew we could do it. You’ve always been the most amazing fighter. With you by my side, I know we can win.”
“I can’t kill the queen or the princes,” I whispered, my eyes downcast. I wanted to kill the king. That I felt easily enough in my heart, but not Mags and the boys. I couldn’t even consider it. They’d never done anything wrong.
“If we kill Rotlar first then maybe the rest will fall into place,” Kellan said. “Getting rid of him should be our main goal. When you go back to the queen today, figure out a way we can gain access to the king. Then we’ll decide what to do from there.”
He loosened his grip on my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair. His head cocked to the side as he took in my face and his eyes softened as they swept over my lips.
The Awakening didn’t just open him up to his destiny, but it also brought him to me. To really see me for who I am, who I could be.
“I love you Lianne.” He choked on the words. “I didn’t know before my birthday. I didn’t realize. I mean, I knew how amazing you were, but until I found out how intertwined our lives were, would be, it was like a push in the right direction.”
His hands crept into my hair, then his fingers stroked the back of my head. My skin tingled, my heart beat harder. I’d always felt a connection with him. It didn’t take a magical awakening for me to know, like it did for Kellan.
But could I hold it against him? Just because he hadn’t realized, hadn’t known. It wasn’t his fault his heart hadn’t opened to me yet.
“Please, Lianne,” he said, his lips brushing mine. “Please say you understand, that we can do this together.”
A shiver sped through my body. I knew we could do it. I had access to places in the castle no one else had. I could slip in and out easily. I could do it.
Kellan pulled me closer, smashing his lips into mine, taking me into an embrace more intense than any we’d ever shared.
“I will.”
CHAPTER SIX
I wanted to take the stairs two at a time to burn off some of the energy I had from my Awakening, but I didn’t. Knowing what I knew now, knowing I had a part to play in fighting back I controlled myself. My legs moved at their normal, steady pace. My arms hung loosely at my sides. I hoped I looked more relaxed than I felt.
Normal was something I’d taken for granted and now that I had to act that way, I found normal no longer existed. I’d have to make up an approximation of something I used to be. The trusting girl with the soft heart was obliterated in one night’s sleep. Gone, and not missed. Not by me and not by Kellan.
But still I wondered. Was it the old me Kellan had loved? I’d offered my whole heart to him. Or had he been staking claim on the shell, soon to be shattered and replaced by the girl I’d become. The girl with hatred in her heart.
I hesitated before Mags’ chamber doors. I’d spent hours with her before and our friendship couldn’t be stronger. Now it would be different. We were enemies, but I had to play the part of a friend.
My hands shook, but not much, just enough to remind me that the girl from yesterday was still inside me. My eyes may have been opened to the truth, but everything I’d ever thought or felt still lurked. Steeling myself and pushing back the old me, I opened the door to Mags’ chambers.
“Lianne,” Mags said, “I was so worried about you when you didn’t come back yesterday afternoon.”
“Were you? No one told me you were looking for me.”
“I didn’t want to send anyone after you though. I couldn’t appear too concerned or it could reveal our friendship.”
Trevin cooed from her arms. My first instinct was to ask to cradle him in mine, but I held back. It was his grandfather who’d instituted the adoptions. His father killed three of our people yesterday. I couldn’t even look at him and imagine Trevin doing anything against my people, or me.
“I took some time out,” I answered, steadying my voice. “I wasn’t feeling well. My stomach.” I gestured awkwardly at my gut. I was terrible at pretending and lying, but she had to buy my excuses.
“Oh, that’s too bad. I was hoping it was something more exciting. Like a romantic rendezvous with Kellan.” Mags’ eyes bored into mine and I felt a blush creep across my cheeks.
“I knew it,” Mags squealed. “You were with Kellan, weren’t you?”
I avoided her eyes. Was I so obvious?
“It’s okay, Lianne,” Mags whispered. “You know I’d never betray you.”
Mags smiled at me, her cheeks pulled back revealing two dimples. She couldn’t fake a smile and still produce the dimples. The king hadn’t seen those dimples since he took her for his wife. This was genuine.
My heart sank. No matter what I’d overheard yesterday, she remained my true friend. I thought she had betrayed me and instead I was the one who was now plotting to betray her. It hurt, even though my mind screamed at my heart to ignore my feelings.
“I was with Kellan.” I couldn’t hide it from her. She’d been my only friend for years. I needed one friend. I could justify it because she hated her husband. I couldn’t contemplate killing the princes.
“And?” Mags asked, her eyes sparkling. She’d never been given the opportunity to fall in love and she’d been living vicariously through me the last month as I’d revealed every aspect of my new relationship with Kellan to her.
My face burned, on fire from embarrassment. I wasn’t sure what to tell her. True, I’d spent the night at Kellan’s, but nothing happened between us. I certainly couldn’t tell her about my Awakening.
“It’s okay,” Mags sighed. “I knew this day would come. When you wouldn’t share with me because it was too close to your heart. I wouldn’t want to ruin new love if it were me either, Lianne. Either way, I certainly won’t tell anyone where you were when they ask.”
“Why would they ask you where I was?” I hoped I’d given her an opening to confide in me about Rotlar’s orders yesterday. So far his men hadn’t approached me, but I had the feeling I was being closely watched.
“People talk,” she said with a wave of her hand. I knew better. They’d been looking for me, intending to watch my every move. “I told everyone I’d sent you on an errand for me. No one questions the queen.”
Except the king. She’d covered for me. All this time I’d worried everyone would be looking for me, when she’d given me the perfect excuse.
“I could always do it again,” Mags said, the twinkle back in her eye. She reached over the bed to grab a new cloth to replace Trevin’s soiled one. “I feel like I’ve been trapped in this room the last few years. I could do with a little excitement and if that means helping you and Kellan, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”
I had it and I didn’t even need to ask for it. Mags offered to cover for me any time as long as she thought it involved my romance with Kellan. I could use that excuse to accomplish our goals. To bring down the kingdom and save my people.
“Do you mean that?” I asked. “Because I’d really like to spend more time with Kellan. Not every day, of course, but occasionally. It’s hard for me to leave t
he castle to see him except in the morning before breakfast.”
Mags sighed as she pulled the cloth over Trevin’s stomach, tying a knot on each side to keep it in place. She tossed the dirty cloth into a bucket sitting by the bed. I placed the lid on top to keep the smell in.
“Did Albree tell you why I sent her to the laundry room yesterday?” Mags asked. She swaddled Trevin expertly and placed him next to her on the massive bed. It was large enough for four people, but Mags slept there alone, except when the king visited her.
“No, I didn’t see her again after dropping off the laundry. I haven’t been home since then.”
Mags’ eyebrows rose. I may have confirmed her suspicions about my encounter with Kellan. She could believe what she wanted as long as I could escape once in a while with her backing. But she didn’t ask about it.
“I left her with Trevin the day before while I went to relieve myself. When I came back, she was holding him at the window. I swore I heard her whispering that she would drop him if he cried, but when I questioned her she maintained she was only giving him some sun and fresh air.”
I hated Albree, but it was hard to believe anyone could be that cruel to sweet little Trevin. Besides, I thought she saved all of her cruelty for me.
“I sent her to the laundry room as a punishment, a warning really. I can’t dismiss her without cause, but I want her to know I’m keeping my eyes and ears on her. Anyone who threatens my sons, threatens me. I may care little for my king, but my sons are my life. Without them I would be nothing, trapped in the castle with no future.”
We were both trapped by this life. I saw that as clear as I saw why my people needed to be free. She could be my greatest ally. I’d have to talk to Kellan about it, get his opinion. He’d see the brilliance of the plan. No one would suspect the queen of helping us overthrow the king.
My mind swam with the possibilities. Mags had access to nearly every part of the castle and could provide a cover if we had to disappear for a few days. It was genius.
“I’ve spent the last four years trapped in this room,” Mags continued. “Do you know I’ve never left the town since being made queen? I believed growing up that if I was chosen my life would be filled with wondrous trips around the kingdom.”
She paused to look at me.
“I’d even hoped one day I could travel to your homeland. To see what life is really like for your people. I want to know if everything is true. If they are grateful to us for what we’ve done.”
I looked down at the floor, for fear my anger would bleed through.
Mags sighed and I looked up at her again.
“I’m upsetting you, aren’t I?” she asked.
“I just don’t know what to think.” I sat down on the side of the bed. “Most of my life I’ve believed everything I was taught. Why would I think any different? But lately I wonder how much of it is true.”
“It’s normal.” Mags patted my hand. I softened at her touch. “As we get older, we’re bound to start forming our own opinions. Besides, how can we be expected to believe in something we’ve never seen?”
I wanted to tell her everything I knew. I wanted to tell her she was right, that she could help us. But I held back. It was too soon. I’d only known for a few hours and telling her, when I had so little information, could be disastrous for both of us.
“I don’t like all of this secrecy today,” Mags said. Her lips formed a pout. “I thought we were best friends.” She tilted her head and stared at me. “Are you okay? You seem different and not in a happy way. I’d expect if you’d spent the night with Kellan you’d be floating on air.”
I stiffened again. She knew me too well and I wanted so much to confide in her. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“I’m just tired.” I feigned a yawn. Mags reached over to pick up Trevin and I swore she rolled her eyes. But today wasn’t the day for me to call her on it, not when I needed my privacy so much.
“If you’re so tired, then I’ll just dismiss you for the rest of the day,” Mags said, snuggling her face onto Trevin’s head. It was a comforting movement, for herself, not Trevin. I’d seen her do it a thousand times with the other two boys.
My face burned with shame.
“I don’t mind staying,” I insisted. I suddenly craved normalcy. I didn’t want to think about the anger I felt. I just wanted to be with my best friend and her son.
“Forget it, Lianne,” Mags said. “The reason I keep you here so much is because I enjoy your company. But today, you’re not yourself. Just go and when you come back tomorrow please bring back your old personality. I miss you.”
I nodded and heaved myself off the bed.
“And get Heather to help me today. I’m not ready to see Albree just yet either.”
I placed my hand on the door and looked back at Mags with Trevin. She loved him, anyone could see that. But I saw something different. I saw a girl whose life had been ripped away from her. A girl who’d been forced into slavery, no matter how lush the dresses and baubles. A girl who had no freedom.
A girl like me.
Mags looked up at me again and she gave me a small smile.
“Don’t forget. Tomorrow the Lianne I know and love better show up.”
I nodded, echoing her smile, but at the same moment a tear fell down my cheek. I wanted revenge but I wanted to protect my friend who sat in the middle of it all.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I walked through the castle, smiling at everyone I passed. Even if I didn’t know their names, they knew me. I was the only female adoptee and I’d gained the favoritism of the queen. There were few places I could go without being seen. Blending in was beyond my skills. However, I had mastered the fake smile well.
There was one place in Fithia I could go where no one could find me.
As soon as I passed the castle gates, I broke into a run. I felt my body relax into a rhythm as my shoes pounded the grass below me, my fists gripping the rough fabric of my dress. I’d been this way many times before and I weaved in and out of the birch trees, never missing a step. Their bark peeled, revealing layers of black beneath the white, reminding me of my feelings. Pure on top, but now so riddled with darkness underneath.
After a few minutes of running at a steady pace, I came to a clearing not far beyond the tree line and slowed to a stop. The carpeted grove with small yellow flowers growing from the groundcover smelled like Trevin when he came out of the bath. So clean, so pure, so untouched. I smiled, for real, for the first time since waking up.
The anger remained, but I was down there too. It hadn’t overtaken me. Mags would have been thrilled to see the smile on my face.
I stood still, feet shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent. My arms hung at my sides, bent at the elbows. I rested my wrists just above my hips, hands in a fist, and I lowered into a lunge.
When I first began practicing meditation, my muscles would burn with the strain of holding my body still. Now they relaxed into a position they’d become more than comfortable with. My breath flowed in through my nose and out through my mouth. My eyes fluttered closed and all the muscles in my face relaxed.
I held this pose for fifty breaths, relaxing more with each exhale.
For years Kellan wondered how I was able to hold myself so steady during sparring. He’d never learned how to relax when Aric taught us basic meditation. In fact, Kellan’s continual squirming and inability to sit still forced Aric to give up completely. But I’d continued my practice every day in private until I’d mastered it.
Meditation was my advantage, my secret weapon. If an opponent couldn’t ruffle me, I couldn’t lose. Between two warriors of equal skill, mental control tipped the balance. A warrior who controlled her emotions and her breath always won, never giving in to the feint.
I punched my right fist and stepped forward with my right foot. Moving into the sequence brought me even greater peace and clarity. I’d learned this early too. Kellan had given up. It was another advantage I had over him. It wasn’t
just my control over my emotions, but my control over my whole body. Aric told us when we were children that learning these moves would make us better warriors. I was the only one who’d believed him, but I didn’t tell him. I practiced in secret, in my hidden grove, for years until I had it right.
I’d never been beaten in a fight since.
The motions were second nature to me now. A punch combined with a step. A hand sliced through the air like a knife while spinning the opposite direction. It was the dance of the warrior and I knew all the steps.
Normally my practice helped clear my mind. No problem was too big to be solved during active meditation. But today proved different.
Executing a punch always led me directly to the next move, but instead of turning I stepped forward with my left foot. I stopped, losing the concentration I’d practiced so many years to perfect. Bringing myself back to center, back to the beginning of my meditation, I tried again.
Right punch. Right foot forward. Punch to the side while spinning to the right.
Again, failure. My feet tangled up as I spun the wrong direction. Losing my balance, I fell to the ground. I punched the soft grass. Tears spilled again. I’d cried more today than in the last year.
If I couldn’t calm myself on the inside, how could I calm myself on the outside? The two worked together and right now my emotions were a mess.
I blamed the Awakening. While I’d felt clarity at first, I couldn’t help but question my objectives after spending time with Mags. I couldn’t I harm her baby boys. They were so innocent. Given the chance, they could be raised properly, learning to honor and respect people different from them.
The anger inside swelled. If their father continued to be any part of their lives, they would never have a chance, no matter how influential Mags tried to be. Boys didn’t listen to their mothers who scolded and taught a gentler way of life. No, their fathers who yelled and screamed and bullied and allowed the boys free reign would always win out.
I rolled over, using the grass as my bed. My arms out to the sides, palms up toward the clouds. My legs rested slightly apart, feet relaxed at the ankles. Corpse pose, Aric called this. I let the breaths enter and leave my body as I melted into the ground.
