by Ray Bradbury
One day, in the midst of our Melvillean ignorance, I suddenly leapt to my feet and cried, “I’m gone!”
“Where to?” said the monster from the Directors Guild.
“Heeber Finn’s.”
“To do what?”
“Cram the Whale in a large mug to drown him.”
“Can I come along?” said the Beast.
Chapter 12
“And even further back,” said Finn, in the midst of yet another monologue behind the bar, “there was a terrible event, best remembered and not seen.”
“What year was that?” asked my director.
“Around about the Easter uprising,” said Finn. “And the big houses beyond burned to ruins, knocked flat in their tracks. You’ve seen the remains?”
“I have,” said John.
“The patriots did that when they was mobs,” said Finn. “My father was one.”
“And so was mine,” said Doone.
“And mine, and mine,” said all.
“A sad time.”
“Not all sad, thank God. For once in a while, God lets go a laugh. And it had to do with me father and the father of our own Lord Kilgotten. Shall I tell you the start, go, and finis?”
“Tell,” I said.
“Well,” said Finn, “in the midst of the Troubles, in the cold snows of late winter that took Easter by surprise, my father, and all the fathers of all the dimwit boys you see leaning here, holding up the bar, stumbled upon an idea that lit, or you might say ignited, a plan that—”
“What was the plan, Finn, what was the plan?” said all, though they had heard the tale before.
“The plan was this …” whispered Finn, leaning across the bar to tell his winter secret.
The men had been hiding down by the gatekeeper’s lodge for half an hour or so, passing a bottle of the best between, and then, the gatekeeper having been carried off to bed, they dodged up the path at six in the evening and looked at the great house with the warm lights lit in each window.
“That’s the place,” said Riordan.
“Hell, what do you mean, ‘that’s the place’?” cried Casey, then softly added, “We seen it all our lives.”
“Sure,” said Kelly, “but with the Troubles over and around us, sudden like a place looks different. It’s quite a toy, lying there in the snow.”
And that’s what it seemed to the fourteen of them, a grand playhouse laid out in the softly falling feathers of a spring night.
“Did you bring the matches?” asked Kelly.
“Did I bring the … what do you think I am!”
“Well, did you, is all I ask.”
Casey searched himself. When his pockets hung from his suit he swore and said, “I did not.”
“Ah, what the hell,” said Nolan “They’ll have matches inside. We’ll borrow a few. Come on.”
Going up the road, Timulty tripped and fell.
“For God’s sake, Timulty,” said Nolan, “where’s your sense of romance? In the midst of a big Easter Rebellion we want to do everything just so. Years from now we want to go into a pub and tell about the Terrible Conflagration up at the Place, do we not? If it’s all mucked up with the sight of you landing on your ass in the snow, that makes no fit picture of the Rebellion we are now in, does it?”
Timulty, rising, focused the picture and nodded. “I’ll mind me manners.”
“Hist! Here we are!” cried Riordan.
“Jesus, stop saying things like ‘that’s the place’ and ‘here we are,’ ” said Casey. “We see the damned house. Now what do we do next?”
“Destroy it?” suggested Murphy tentatively.
“Gah, you’re so dumb you’re hideous,” said Casey. “Of course we destroy it, but first … blueprints and plans.”
“It seemed simple enough back at Hickey’s Pub,” said Murphy. “We would just come tear the damn place down. Seeing as how my wife outweighs me, I need to tear something down.”
“It seems to me,” said Timulty, drinking from the bottle, “we go rap on the door and ask permission.”
“Permission!” said Murphy. “I’d hate to have you running Hell; the lost souls would never get fried! We—”
But the front door swung wide suddenly, cutting him off.
A man peered out into the night.
“I say,” said a gentle and reasonable voice, “would you mind keeping your voices down. The lady of the house is sleeping before we drive to Dublin for the evening, and—”
The men, revealed in the hearth-light glow of the door, blinked and stood back, lifting their caps.
“Is that you, Lord Kilgotten?”
“It is,” said the man in the door.
“We will keep our voices down,” said Timulty, smiling, all amiability.
“Beg pardon, Your Lordship,” said Casey.
“Kind of you,” said His Lordship. And the door closed gently.
All the men gasped.
“ ‘Beg pardon, Your Lordship,’ ‘We’ll keep our voices down. Your Lordship.’ ” Casey slapped his head. “What were we saying? Why didn’t someone catch the door while he was still there?”
“We was dumbfounded, that’s why. He took us by surprise, just like them damned high and mighties. I mean, we weren’t doing anything out here, were we?”
“Our voices were a bit high,” admitted Timulty.
“Voices, hell,” said Casey. “The damned lord’s come and gone from our fell clutches!”
“Shh, not so loud,” said Timulty.
Casey lowered his voice. “So let us sneak up on the door and—”
“That strikes me as unnecessary,” said Nolan. “He knows we’re here now.”
“Sneak up on the door,” repeated Casey, grinding his teeth, “and batter it down—”
The door opened again.
The lord, a shadow, peered out at them, and the soft, patient, frail old voice inquired, “I say, what are you doing out there?”
“Well, it’s this way, Your Lordship—” began Casey, and stopped, paling.
“We come,” blurted Murphy, “we come … to burn the place!”
His Lordship stood for a moment looking out at the men, watching the snow, his hand on the doorknob. He shut his eyes for a moment, thought, conquered a tic in both eyelids after a silent struggle, and then said, “Hmm. Well, in that case, you had best come in.”
The men said that was fine, great, good enough, and started off, when Casey cried, “Wait!” Then, to the old man in the doorway: “We’ll come in when we are good and ready.”
“Very well,” said the old man. “I shall leave the door ajar, and when you have decided the time, enter. I shall be in the library.”
Leaving the door a half-inch open, the old man started away, when Timulty cried out, “When we are ready? Jesus, God, when will we ever be readier? Out of the way, Casey!”
And they all ran up on the porch.
Hearing this, His Lordship turned to look at them with his bland and not-unfriendly face, the face of an old hound who has seen many foxes killed and just as many escape, who has run well and now, in late years, paced himself down to a soft, shuffling walk.
Scrape your feet, please, gentlemen.”
“Scraped they are.” And everyone carefully got the snow and mud off his shoes.
“This way,” said His Lordship, going off, his clear, pale eyes set in lines and bags and creases from too many years of drinking brandy, his cheeks bright as cherry wine. “I will get you all a drink, and we shall see what we can do about your … how did you put it? Burning the place?”
“You’re sweet reason itself,” admitted Timulty, following as Lord Kilgotten led them into the library, where he poured whiskey all around.
“Gentlemen.” He let his bones sink into a wing-backed chair. “Drink.”
“We decline,” said Casey.
“Decline?” gasped everyone, the drinks almost in their hands.
“This is a sober thing we are doing and we must be sober for it,” s
aid Casey, flinching from their gaze.
“Who do we listen to?” asked Riordan. “His Lordship or Casey?”
For answer, all the men downed their drinks and fell to coughing and gasping. Courage showed immediately in a red color through their faces, which they turned so that Casey could see the difference. Casey drank his, to catch up.
Meanwhile, the old man sipped his whiskey, and something about his calm and easy way of drinking put them far out in Dublin Bay and sank them again. Until Casey said, “Your Honor, you’ve heard of the Troubles? I mean, not just the Kaiser’s war going on across the sea, but our own very great Troubles and the Rebellion that has reached even this far, to our town, our pub, and now your place?”
“An alarming amount of evidence convinces me this is an unhappy time,” said His Lordship. “I suppose what must be must be. I know you all. You have worked for me. I think I have paid you rather well on occasion.”
“There’s no doubt of that, Your Lordship.” Casey took a step forward. “It’s just ‘the old order changeth,’ and we have heard of the great houses out near Tara and the great manors beyond Killashandra going up in flames to celebrate freedom and—”
“Whose freedom?” asked the old man mildly. “Mine? From the burden of caring for this house, which my wife and I rattle around in like dice in a cup, or … Well, get on. When would you like to burn the place?”
“If it isn’t too much trouble, sir,” said Timulty, “now.”
The old man seemed to sink deeper into his chair.
“Oh, dear,” he said.
“Of course,” said Nolan quickly, “if it’s inconvenient, we could come back later—”
“Later! What kind of talk is that?” asked Casey.
“I’m terribly sorry,” said the old man. “Please allow me to explain. Lady Kilgotten is asleep now, we have guests coming to take us into Dublin for the opening of a play by Synge—”
“That’s a damn fine writer,” said Riordan.
“Saw one of his plays a year ago,” said Nolan, “and—”
“Stand off!” said Casey.
The men stood back. His Lordship went on with his frail moth voice: “We have a dinner planned back here at midnight for ten people. I don’t suppose … you could give us until tomorrow night to get ready?”
“No,” said Casey.
“Hold on,” said everyone else.
“Burning,” said Timulty, “is one thing, but tickets is another. I mean, the theater is there, and a dire waste not to see the play, and all that food set up, it might as well be eaten. And all the guests coming. It would be hard to notify them ahead.”
“Exactly what I was thinking,” said His Lordship.
“Yes, I know!” shouted Casey, shutting his eyes, running his hands over his cheeks and jaw and mouth and clenching his fists and turning around in frustration. “But you don’t put off burnings, you don’t reschedule them like tea parties, dammit, you do them!”
“You do if you remember to bring the matches,” said Riordan under his breath.
Casey whirled and looked as if he might hit Riordan, but the impact of the truth slowed him down.
“On top of which,” said Nolan, “the Missus above is a fine lady and needs a last night of entertainment and rest.”
“Very kind of you.” His Lordship refilled the man’s glass.
“Let’s take a vote,” said Nolan
“Hell.” Casey scowled around. “I see the vote counted already. Tomorrow night will do, dammit.”
“Bless you,” said old Lord Kilgotten. “There will be cold cuts laid out in the kitchen, you might check in there first; you shall probably be hungry, for it will be heavy work. Shall we say eight o’clock tomorrow night? By then I shall have Lady Kilgotten safely to a hotel in Dublin. I should not want her knowing until later that her home no longer exists.”
“God, you’re a Christian,” muttered Riordan.
“Well, let us not brood on it,” said the old man. “I consider it past already, and I never think of the past. Gentlemen.”
He arose. And like a blind old sheepherder-saint, he wandered out into the hall, with the flock straying and ambling and softly colliding after.
Half down the hall, almost to the door, Lord Kilgotten saw something from the corner of his blear eye and stopped. He turned back and stood brooding before a large portrait of an Italian nobleman.
The more he looked, the more his eyes began to tic and his mouth to work over a nameless thing.
Finally Nolan said, “Your Lordship, what is it?”
“I was just thinking,” said the lord at last. “You love Ireland, do you not?”
My God, yes! said everyone. Need he ask?
“Even as do I,” said the old man gently. “And do you love all that is in it, in the land, in her heritage?”
That too, said all, went without saying!
“I worry, then,” said the lord, “about things like this. This portrait is by Van Dyck. It is very old and very fine and very important and very expensive. It is, gentlemen, a National Art Treasure.”
“Is that what it is!” said everyone, more or less, and crowded around for a sight.
“Ah, God, it’s fine work,” said Timulty.
“The flesh itself,” said Nolan.
“Notice,” said Riordan, “the way his little eyes seem to follow you?”
Uncanny, everyone said.
And they were about to move on, when His Lordship said, “Do you realize this Treasure, which does not truly belong to me, nor you, but to all the people as precious heritage, this picture will be lost forever tomorrow night?”
Everyone gasped. They had not realized.
“God save us,” said Timulty, “we can’t have that!”
“We’ll move it out of the house first,” said Riordan.
“Hold on!” cried Casey.
“Thank you,” said His Lordship, “but where would you put it? Out in the weather it would soon be torn to shreds by wind, dampened by rain, flaked by hail. No, no, perhaps it is best it burns quickly—”
“None of that!” said Timulty. “I’ll take it home myself.” “And when the great strife is over,” said His Lordship, “you will then deliver into the hands of the new government this precious gift of Art and Beauty from the past?”
“Er … every single one of those things, I’ll do,” said Timulty.
But Casey was eyeing the immense canvas, and said, “How much does the monster weigh?”
“I would imagine,” said the old man faintly, “seventy to one hundred pounds, within that range.”
“Then how in hell do we get it to Timulty’s house?” asked Casey.
“Me and Brannahan will carry the damn treasure,” said Timulty, “and if need be, Nolan, you lend a hand.”
“Posterity will thank you,” said His Lordship.
They moved on along the hall, and again His Lordship stopped, before yet two more paintings.
“These are two nudes—”
They are that! said everyone.
“By Renoir,” finished the old man.
“That’s the French gent who made them?” asked Rooney. “If you’ll excuse the expression?”
It looks French, all right, said everyone.
And a lot of ribs received a lot of knocking elbows.
“These are worth several thousand pounds,” said the old man.
“You’ll get no argument from me,” said Nolan, putting out his finger, which was slapped down by Casey.
“I— ” said Blinky Watts, whose fish eyes swam about continuously in tears behind his thick glasses. “I would like to volunteer a home for the two French ladies. I thought I might tuck those two Art Treasures one under each arm and hoist them to the wee cot.”
“Accepted,” said the lord with gratitude.
Along the hall they came to a vast landscape with all sorts of monster beast-men cavorting about, treading fruit and squeezing summer-melon women. Everyone craned forward to read the brass plate un
der it: Twilight of the Gods.
“Twilight, hell,” said Rooney. “It looks more like the start of a great afternoon!”
“I believe,” said the gentle old man, “there is irony intended in both title and subject. Note the glowering sky, the hideous figures hidden in the clouds. The gods are unaware, in the midst of their bacchanal, that Doom is about to descend.”
“I do not see,” said Blinky Watts, “the Church or any of her girly priests up in them clouds.”
“It was a different kind of Doom in them days,” said Nolan. “Everyone knows that.”
“Me and Tuohy,” said Flannery, “will carry the demon gods to my place. Right, Tuohy?”
“Right!”
And so it went now along the hall, the squad pausing here or there as on a grand tour of a museum, and each in turn volunteering to scurry home through the snowfall night with a Degas or a Rambrandt sketch or a large oil by one of the Dutch masters, until they came to a rather grisly oil of a man, hung in a dim alcove.
“Portrait of myself,” muttered the old man, “done by Her Ladyship. Leave it there, please.”
“You mean,” gasped Nolan, “you want it to go up in the Conflagration?”
“Now, this next picture …” said the old man, moving on.
And finally the tour was at an end.
“Of course,” said His Lordship, “if you really want to be saving, there are a dozen exquisite Ming vases in the house—”
“As good as collected,” said Nolan.
“A Persian carpet on the landing—”
“We will roll it and deliver it to the Dublin Museum.”
“And that exquisite chandelier in the main dining room.”
“It shall be hidden away until the Troubles are over,” sighed Casey, tired already.
“Well, then,” said the old man, shaking each hand as he passed. “Perhaps you might start now, don’t you imagine? I mean, you do indeed have a largish job preserving the National Treasures. Think I shall nap five minutes now before dressing.”
