by Janet Dailey
Barbara didn't hear the bird again and guessed it had flown away. She wished she could fly away with it, soar into the cloudless sky and lose herself in the shimmer of stars.
Straightening, she wandered along the balcony's edge, trailing a hand along the railing, around an arching pillar onto the railing again stopping at the corner. Half sitting on the narrow iron rail, she leaned a shoulder against a concrete arch and let the peaceful serenity of the night soothe her troubled mind.
Once, Barbara thought she heard a movement inside the house, but all the rooms were dark, except for the small lamp by her bed. She dismissed the sound as the natural groaning of the house.
After a while she drifted into a night dream of abstract things, the immensity of the universe and the minuscule importance of one person on the planet. Far off came a sound that should have been familiar to her, but her concentration didn't permit it to register.
The sound of a footfall on the balcony did. Barbara straightened in alarm at the dark figure of the intruder, her heart leaping into her throat. It beat all the more wildly when she recognized Jock.
"How did you get out here?" she demanded in shock. "Why are you here?"
"I saw the light on. I knocked at the door. When you didn't answer, I came in to make sure you were all right," Jock explained, moving toward her in a leisurely stroll.
Barbara turned back to the night, gripping the railing with both her hands. "I'm all right, so you can leave."
"Couldn't sleep?" he questioned and stopped when he was less than two feet from her.
"No." Surely it was obvious, her impatient tone said.
"Neither could I." Jock paused, but she didn't offer a reply. "The truth is I didn't see your light on. I was out walking and saw you on the balcony. Unfortunately there aren't any trellises or vines to climb so I had to use the more conventional approach of the stairs."
"Why bother? I don't want your company," Barbara retorted, her heart telling her that was a lie.
"Don't you?" He let his hand glide over her shoulder, bared by the slender strap of her pajama top.
With a shrug Barbara eluded his caressing touch, frantically wishing for the robe she had left on the bed. The moon and starlight had silvered her skin. The lateness of the hour became much too evocative.
"Will you please leave?" she hissed desperately. "What if someone wakes up and finds you in my bedroom at this hour?"
"With your sexy pajamas on and the bed all rumpled." Jock carried the thought a step further. "Don't worry. Everyone is sound asleep except us. They aren't likely to wake up unless you make a lot of noise."
"If you don't leave, I'll start screaming," she threatened.
"No, you won't," he chuckled softly. "You don't want my mother or Todd to find me in here 'at this hour,'" He stressed the phrase with mocking emphasis. "Why do you suppose you and I are the only ones who can't sleep?"
"I really don't know and I don't care." Barbara tried to sound emphatic, but his voice was so velvety that it took the starch out of her reply.
"Do you think it might be this soft, southern night?" Jock mused.
This time when his hands touched her, they curved onto both her shoulders. Barbara was trapped—on one side by the railing, on a second by the corner of the balcony, and on the other two sides Jock could easily block her way.
"Jock, leave me alone…please." It was a whispered plea while her body quivered in uncontrollable reaction to the caress of his hands.
"That isn't what you want." His head bent to her neck, his mouth trailing a lazy fire along the nape. "You want the same thing I do, honey. Why keep fighting it?"
"Don't." Barbara tipped her head back to stop the dangerously sensual teasing of his mouth on her skin.
Jock simply transferred his attentions to the exposed curve of her neck and shoulder while his hands slid down her rib cage to cross in front of her stomach. A pervading warmth spread through her limbs as he pulled her back against his hard length. Her shoulders, spine and hips were pressed firmly along his male contours.
Cupping a hipbone in one hand, Jock slid his other hand beneath the lace pajama top to seek the ripe fullness of a breast. The male outline of his aroused need was imprinted on her hips, kindling an answering ache within her.
"Todd isn't the man for you," Jock murmured into her ear, sending goose bumps of wild ecstasy over her flesh. "Why won't you admit it? You want me to make love to you as much as I want to."
Barbara fought the insidious weakness ravaging her senses in the only way she could find. "If that isn't an example of a macho male mentality, nothing is." Her disturbed voice was laced with sarcasm. "You think all you have to do is hold your body against mine and I'll agree to anything."
"Won't you?" he mocked confidently.
To prove his point, his fingers teased the peak of her breast while the hand on her hipbone moved to make slow, sensuous forays over her stomach, igniting fires in its pit. Giving in for a glorious second, Barbara relaxed against him. Jock half turned to let the corner pillar of the balcony support him. When she made a move to pivot toward him, his arms loosened to permit it.
Barbara took the opportunity to twist out of his embrace. Jock started to straighten, then waited as her weak legs could take her no farther away from him than just out of arm's length.
"Come here, honey," he invited.
"Why won't you leave me alone?" Barbara protested in a husky dry voice.
"I'm not leaving you alone until you take that ring off your finger." He pushed from the pillar to claim her.
In agitation, Barbara spun away and half ran to the glass-paned doors leading to her bedroom. She yanked at the diamond on her finger, finally pulling it free. By then she was inside the bedroom and Jock was behind her.
"There! It's off!" She slapped it on the bedside table within the circle of the lamplight so he could see the light reflected on the many-faceted stone.
"That's where it belongs." Smiling lazily, he came toward her and reached out to take her shoulders. "And this is where you belong." He curved her trembling body inside the circle of his arms.
Her soft curves fitted themselves to his male shape with familiar ease, and they were welded by their combined body heat. Before she could escape it, his mouth covered hers in a long, drugging kiss. Her fingers curled into the material of his shirt sleeves as she clung tenaciously to an invisible link with sanity.
When he let her up for air, Barbara seized on that link. "I took the ring off. You said you'd leave me alone if I did," she reminded him in a fierce, breathless voice.
Jock lifted his head to gaze at her with an incredulous and angry frown. "You don't mean it? You can't expect me to leave you alone now?"
"I'm not wearing Todd's engagement ring. I promise I won't put it back on when you go." She strained against his hold, bending her head to avoid his eyes. "You promised, Jock. Don't you mean what you say?"
He grabbed a handful of black hair to force her head back. "You don't want me to leave. Your lips tell me one thing, but your body tells me something different. I know its needs as well as I know my own. And you want me to make love to you," he insisted.
"I want you to go," Barbara declared on a choked sob. "You said you would."
His hands slipped to her shoulders, fingers digging into the bare flesh. "What are you trying to do to me?" Jock demanded harshly.
"I'm trying to make you do what you said. There isn't any ring on my finger. Now leave me alone!" Her voice broke on the last.
Her anguished blue eyes watched the indecision warring in his expression. Barbara knew if Jock persisted, she couldn't deny him. At last he pushed her away from him and she stumbled backward onto the bed.
"I'll leave. This time, I'll leave," he agreed angrily. "But it isn't what you really want and you'll never make me believe otherwise."
"Then go." She was losing her control. She could feel the sobs building like a volcano before an eruption. She didn't know how much longer she could hold back the torr
ent of tears.
"Thanks to you, we are both going to spend a frustrated, miserable night alone when we could have had the satisfaction of each other," he growled.
When he continued to stand in the same place, Barbara challenged in desperation, "Are you going to leave or not?"
"I'm going!" Jock strode to the door, yanking it open. He paused to look back at her. "Have a rotten night!" And he slammed the door shut with a vengeance.
The dam burst and Barbara grabbed for the pillow to smother her sobs. She had sworn she would never cry over
Jock again, but she was. There wasn't anything she could do to stop it.
Minutes couldn't measure the time she cried. When the sobbing finally subsided, she ached all over. She lay there hurting with a pain that was physical and mental.
Barbara didn't know how long she lay there staring at the shadows on the ceiling. Sleep wouldn't come to ease her torment. Turning her head on the pillow, she glanced at the bedside table. Todd's engagement ring glittered in the pool of light. Jock had forced her to make one right decision. She wasn't going to marry Todd. Jock would always stand in the way of whatever happiness Todd might have been able to give her.
Barbara realized the affection she had felt for Todd had never truly been the right kind. She had needed him so desperately as a friend that she had taken his ring, but for that same reason she had never been able to accept him as a lover. It would probably be a very long time before she could ever accept any man in that role—because of Jock. He had taken so much from her that she had little left to give.
There was no reason to continue the farce of an engagement. She would return the diamond to Todd in the morning—which couldn't be more than a couple of hours away. Barbara rolled back to stare at the ceiling again. She faced another realization. There was no more reason to linger here at the ranch. Remaining in Jock's company was inviting disaster. She couldn't risk it.
A second time, she crawled out of bed. This time it was to drag her suitcases out of the closet and begin emptying drawers and hangers to pack her clothes. She wasn't going to let anyone talk her out of it—not anyone…and especially not Jock.
FROM HER BALCONY Barbara watched the sun rise. She heard Jock go downstairs; she recognized his firm tread on the stairs. A little while later Barbara heard Lillian stirring, then the shower running in the room next to hers—Todd's room. At about the same time that she heard Todd leave his room, she saw Jock walking toward the stables. It was the last time she would see him. Barbara knew this image of him would be forever branded on her memory. She watched until Jock was out of sight, then left the balcony.
Her suitcases were stacked neatly by the door. She paused to pick up the engagement ring from the bedside table and continued to the hall. Todd was halfway down the stairs when she started down.
"Todd!" she called to him to wait.
"You're up early this morning," he commented, stopping in the foyer. His brown eyes surveyed the blue flowered skirt and matching solid blue blouse, a bow sash at the throat. "You are really dressed up this morning. Are you planning on going somewhere?"
"Yes." Barbara halted on the last step to look at him, wondering where to begin.
"Hey?" Todd frowned, his hand reaching out to trace her cheekbone. "Where did those circles under your eyes come from? Didn't you sleep last night?"
"Not much," she admitted. "Here." She pressed the engagement ring in the palm of his hand and closed his fingers over it.
"What's this?" He glanced down at the ring, his frown deepening.
"I can't marry you, Todd. I realized that last night. So I'm giving your ring back to you," Barbara explained in a stilted voice.
"Is this what kept you up all night?" he questioned.
"Partly. I'm sorry, Todd," she apologized with genuine sincerity. "I should never have taken your ring in the first place. And I shouldn't have let you talk me into keeping it when I found out Jock was your brother."
"It doesn't matter about J.R.," he protested. "I wanted you to have it because I loved you."
"I never meant to hurt you, Todd. Please believe that. You've been so good to me that I wish things were different." Her blue eyes were wide and troubled, asking him to understand. "I know what it's like and I don't want to hurt you."
Todd took a deep breath and rolled the ring in his palm, studying it for a few silent seconds. "What you are trying to say, very gently, is that you don't love me, isn't it?"
"Not the way I should. Not the way you deserve," Barbara admitted. "I'm sorry."
"It's still J.R., isn't it? You're still in love with him," he guessed. The corners of his mouth were pulled down with a grim wryness.
"I didn't want it to be that way."
"I can't really say that I'm surprised." Todd's glance was resigned. "I think I suspected it was going to turn out like this when you told me who J.R. really was."
"I wish we had both known before we came here."
"Don't look so glum." He curved an arm around her shoulder and brought her down the last step. "If we had known, we wouldn't have come and we would have always wondered whether you were really over him. Now we know definitely that you aren't." Todd looked at the ring one last time before he slipped it into his pocket. "Does J.R. know about this? That you are giving back the ring?"
"Yes," she whispered, nodding. It was a comforting arm that was around her. Right now, she needed Todd's undemanding solace although she would no longer lean on it as she had done in the past. "It doesn't change anything with Jock," Barbara clarified that point quickly.
"So what comes next?"
"I want to leave, Todd—today—this morning." With each pause, she went a step further in stating her objective.
He held her away from his side to look at her. "But you don't have to be at work until Monday. You still have four days left of your vacation. There's no reason for you to go back yet."
"Yes, there is," Barbara insisted. "We aren't engaged anymore, Todd. I can't stay here under false pretenses."
"You're my guest," he pointed out. "A friend instead of a fiancée."
"I can't stay here, Todd. Not with Jock here." She finally offered the real reason.
"No, I suppose not," he sighed.
"Just because I want to go back is no reason for you to cut your vacation short. If you drive me into town, I can catch a bus," Barbara offered.
"No bus. I brought you here. I'll take you back," Todd promised.
"All my luggage is packed. I have it sitting in my room by the door," she explained.
"You really are determined to leave this morning, aren't you?" he laughed. "What did you do? Stay up all night packing once you'd made up your mind?"
"Yes," Barbara admitted, his laughter drawing a faint smile.
"If I hadn't agreed to take you—or drive you into town, you would have walked, wouldn't you?" he accused.
"Yes. The sooner I get away from here, the better off I'll be," she declared.
Todd studied her thoughtfully. "Aren't you going to tell J.R. goodbye? Does he know you are leaving?"
"No. And I don't want to see him. We said our goodbyes six months ago. I don't want to go through it again." A cold chill quivered through her shoulders and Todd pulled her close to his side, rubbing her arm as if to warm her.
"I won't try to change your mind. If you don't want to see him before you go, I'm not going to argue. But knowing my brother, he isn't going to be too happy about it when he finds out," he said.
"It doesn't matter whether he likes it or not. That's the way it's going to be," Barbara stated decisively, more so than she felt.
"There is one thing I want clear between us. I know we aren't engaged anymore, but I'd like to go on seeing you occasionally." He gave her a wry smile, reading her thoughts. "I'm not going to try to put the ring back on your finger. It's just that I like being with you and I wouldn't want that to stop because of this."
"When I get back to Miami—" Barbara paused, taking her time to finish the diffi
cult sentence "—I'm going to ask the airline for a transfer."
"Where?" Todd frowned.
"I don't care, just as long as it's far away from Florida," she added tightly.
"No, I'm not going to sit quietly by while you do that." Todd shook his head. "I don't like the idea of your being alone, Barbara."
"Don't you see, Todd," Barbara reasoned, "the last time you helped me through this. You taught me I could make it. This time I have to do it on my own. I can't lean on you forever."
"Maybe not, but—" He stopped whatever his next argument was going to be and smiled. "We'll talk about this later. I'll get your luggage out to the car while you pour us some coffee and juice."
"Yes, and I want to say goodbye to your mother…and explain," she agreed.
"You do that." Todd kissed her on the cheek, his lips lingering a little longer than necessary before he let her go to climb the stairs.
Barbara watched him take the first flight and remembered what Jock had said. Todd would get over losing her. He always had enough love left for the next person. She should take lessons from him in how that's done, she thought as she turned from the stairs.
Crossing through the living room, she entered the dining room. Lillian Gaynor was seated at the table, sipping at her morning coffee. She smiled in surprise when Barbara walked in.
"My, but you are up early this morning," Lillian declared.
Was it that much of a rarity that everyone commented on it, Barbara wondered. She hadn't thought she had slept very late while she was there.
"Yes, I am." Barbara glanced at her watch, noticing for the first time that it was a little before seven, which was early for her.
"Coffee? You look very nice this morning. Are you and Todd going somewhere?" She asked the questions while she offered Barbara a cup of coffee.
"Actually…Todd is driving me back to Miami. I'm leaving this morning," Barbara announced.
"So soon?" Lillian stopped in the act of filling a cup. "I thought you were staying until this weekend?"
"There has been a change in plans. You see, I've returned Todd's engagement ring." She met the older woman's look and tried to appear more calm and in total control than she felt.
