Agaprei stepped out, using a cane to keep the weight off the cast around her foot. Her gloves were spattered, her smock stained with blood. The bags under her eyes told a story of long hours of surgery and desperate effort. She looked so much older. She looked tired. In the dim light, she seemed drained of all color.
They didn’t ask. They didn’t have to. The question permeated everything, hanging thickly in the air. The room felt so small, so tight, so stifling.
Agaprei took off her surgical mask and hobbled over to a chair. As she sat down, the reflection of the rain running down the glass played out on her face.
Finally, Philiastra could stand the silence no longer.
“How is he?”
Agaprei sat up, her training as a healer attempting to force its way past her grief. “It’s ah, it’s too early to give up all hope. Cornett is in there with him now, and…uh…”
“Don’t coddle us,” Erolina said, her voice hoarse. “What is going to…?”
“HE’S GONNA LOSE HIS LEGS, OKAY?!”
The volume of Agaprei’s voice shocked them all. The echo of her words hit them like a knife.
Agaprei’s control collapsed, and she placed her face in her hands, her shoulders rising and falling inconsolably as she wept.
Erolina wiped her cheek, her tears dripping down onto the glowing bandages around her thigh. “This…this is my doing.”
Philiastra looked up hatefully. “Yes, it is.”
“Oh, come on!” Erolina shot back. “You are as at fault as I am!”
“That’s a lie and you know it! We all know what you’ve done. Your treachery knows no bounds, Scythe the Deceiver.”
“Do you think I wanted to steal the heart of the forest? Huh? Do you think it brought me joy?”
“Oh, like that matters. Who cares how you felt? You were a harbinger of death.”
“I’m trying to explain to you that it wasn’t personal. My queen gave me an order and I was honor bound to obey it.”
“How dare you? It was my forest. It was personal to me!”
“I didn’t want to do it!”
“It was genocide!”
“I objected to the plan from the very beginning.”
“You can tell that to the wardens in hell!”
“You want to challenge me again? Do you require another beating before it gets through your thick skull that…”
“Oh, STOP IT, both of you!” Agaprei screamed, rising to her feet. “Your quarreling is what got Storgen crippled in the first place!”
The two girls thought to object, but their guilt overwhelmed them, and they became silent, and sat back down.
“We all betrayed him,” Agaprei snapped. “This is all of our fault. All three of us. And I will not let either of you dishonor him further by minimizing your part in it. Storgen knew…he knew how dangerous the tower was, he was terrified to go back there and we manipulated him into it, all for our own selfish reasons. And yes, they were selfish. No matter how justified or desperate we felt, the reality is, we used him to further our own ends. We thought nothing of his feelings, or of the danger it posed to him. We treated him like a thing, a tool to be used, not a person, not an ally…not a friend. We lied to him, we tricked him, we pressured him, and in spite of all that…”
Her lip began to tremble.
“…in spite of all that…he did nothing but try to save our worthless, miserable lives…he sacrificed everything for us…even after he knew we had betrayed him…even after…”
Agaprei fell down to her knees, tears streaming down her face. “…even after I rejected him…”
Philiastra closed her eyes, tears running down her cheeks. “I told him he was my enemy…”
Erolina lowered her head in shame. “I told him we could never be together…”
Agaprei covered her face and wept more fully than she ever had in her entire live. Her entire frame seemed to shake, her soul trembling within her body.
“How did it come to this? How did this all go so wrong? I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I just wanted to be beautiful.”
* * *
Storgen’s bed faced the window, his head propped up as he watched the rain run down the glass. He seemed more bandage than man now. A small fireplace crackled, but there was no warmth from it. Everything was cold now. Numb. Still. Dying.
Some of the nurses had brought him a vase of flowers. Every day they died a little more, wilted a little more, their dead petals falling to the floor in a morbid pile.
Storgen’s bed felt too big for him now. Where before his feet would have reached the end, now there was only flat sheets. Both legs were gone just below the knee. His right arm was now a bandaged stump ending just below the elbow. His only remaining limb, his left arm, lay limply on the bed, as still and as lifeless as his empty eyes. They were still blue as they had always been, but different now. A still, puddle kind of blue, devoid of motion, devoid of energy. A shallow collection of droplets waiting to evaporate. A lump of salt and waste.
Gáta sat at the foot of the bed. Occasionally, she would mew in concern, but Storgen didn’t respond.
The door cracked open and Cornett came in, his divine skin glowing faintly. In his hands he carried a tray with some food. He set it down next to the others, still untouched, still uneaten, beginning to spoil.
“The, ah, the nurses tell me that you are refusing to eat,” he said, his voice momentarily breaking the silence. It returned as soon as he stopped.
Cornett sadly gathered up the spoiling trays of food. “The nurses tell me that you won’t let them give you any medicine, even though you are in great pain.”
Storgen said nothing. He didn’t even move. Only the faintest rising and falling of his bandaged chest betrayed any signs of life at all.
“The nurses tell me you refuse to let them change your sheets or roll you onto your sides. They are concerned about infection and bedsores.”
Storgen didn’t respond.
Cornett left sadly, leaving Storgen alone in the darkness.
* * *
Cornett was roused in the middle of the night by a frightened nurse. He opened his glowing eyes, finding her standing over him.
“He’s gone.”
Cornett flew through the halls, trying to keep quiet enough to refrain from rousing the guests. He glided into Storgen’s room, and found the bed empty, the sheets neatly folded at the base of the bed.
“How long has he been missing?”
The nurse ran in, huffing and puffing. “He was there at lights out. Nobody’s checked on him since.”
“No one was at the door?”
The nurse grimaced. “The attendant fell asleep.”
“Then what am I paying her for?”
Cornett held out his hand and a beam of amber light came out. As it passed over the bed, it revealed a faint red outline where Storgen had lain. As he moved the beam to the floor, it revealed a faint red streak where Storgen had dragged himself across the floor.
Cornett followed the trail through the lobby and outside, where it passed across the grass and up the scenic trail. He flew past the roaring falls, the clouds in the sky drowning out all light but for a faint cadaverous glow from the forsaken moon.
He reached the top of the trail, overlooking the retreats and the overhang of a red fall. There, he found a dark figure lying on the banks of the river.
“Storgen.”
Cornett flew over and touched the soaking bandages. They felt so cold, so lifeless. Worriedly, he turned Storgen over onto his back, and found eyes as cheerless as a graveyard. He touched the pallid skin of his face, and no warmth there. Desperately, he placed his glowing ear to Storgen’s chest, and found a faint heartbeat.
Breathing a sigh of relief, he wiped the droplets of rain from Storgen’s face. “You had me scared there, young one. Come on, let’s get you back inside.”
Storgen gave no resistance as Cornett picked him up, his left arm hanging limply as the river guardian carried him back inside.
He carefully toweled Storgen off, pulling back his damp blonde hair away from his face. “Just what were you doing out there, anyway?”
Storgen’s lips parted and made a sound. So faint, Cornett missed it at first.
“What was that?” he asked, leaning in close.
“I…wanted to watch the sand,” Storgen whispered.
“The sand?”
Storgen slowly nodded, the firelight reflecting in his empty eyes. “When it rains, the sand soaks it up until it can’t hold anymore. Then, the extra water runs off, smoothing out everything. All the footprints are erased, as if they never existed at all. It’s completely clean, free from memory, like a new canvas.”
Cornett frowned and sat down. “Why would you want to watch that?”
“I final understand, Cornett. I finally understand what it is to be human…”
Storgen closed his eyes. “I never liked alcohol. I couldn’t stand the stuff, and I never understood why other humans drank it so much. It seemed like that was all they did. It seemed such a waste to me, such a vice. To be granted such intellect, such intelligence compared to the beasts of the field, and then to poison oneself, numbing the very intellect that made them human in the first place…”
Storgen opened his eyes. “…But I was lying to myself. That wasn’t the reason. I had spent so many years frozen, asleep, the thought of losing even another night was terrifying to me. I wanted to be awake for everything. I wanted to remember what I had done. Every day after I got out of that cage felt like a gift, every breath of fresh air a celebration…”
“…But now I understand. Humans drink to forget. They’re such frail, temporary little things. The other races all live so much longer than they do, they must seem like shadows to them. But, humans have found a way to extend their lives, to exist past death. It’s a secret they learned long ago.”
“What is that secret?”
“They can live on in another. When humans love, a piece of them is carried in the hearts of those that love them. That piece lives on, even after the human is gone.”
Storgen looked out the window at the smooth sand, devoid of footprints. “But, a human that fails to impart himself into the hearts of others, when he is gone, nothing remains. It is as if he never existed in the first place. He is nothing more than…a footprint in the sand. Washed away by the rain.”
Cornett stood up. “Now, I don’t believe that. You have given hope and joy to millions. You should hear the things they say about you on the roads. I hear it every day. ‘My cousin saw Storgen, the Fist of Ambera, closing the mouth of a volcano to save the fields.’ ‘My brother-in-law was rescued by the great hero, his boat lifted from the ocean depths and repaired.’ ‘My neighbor saw Storgen, on the road, fending off a thousand brigands with his bare hands.’ You made them feel like they could do anything if they put their hearts into it. You raised your fist into the air, and told them that was all you needed…”
Cornett went quiet and pale, realizing what he had said.
Storgen lifted up his stump and looked at it. “I never had anything. And I never did. I was a fool, a blind, stupid fool. You want to tell the humans about me? About my life? Tell them this, because it’s the most important thing they can learn: That special thing you want, that tender desire you keep close in your heart, you are never, EVER going to have it. That noble principle that you believe in, it will betray you. That worthy thing that you desire, it will become a curse to you. Those dear people you are trying to help? You will hurt them. Because the world isn’t out of balance, it never was balanced to begin with. Hate is stronger than love, lies are stronger than truth, betrayal is stronger than loyalty, and grief is stronger than hope. THAT is what I would have them know of me. Because that is the world we live in. Those stories they tell of me, they’re just stories. Stupid, empty stories. None of them actually happened.”
“Some of them happened.”
“Did they? I don’t remember now. Maybe none of them happened. Maybe I’m still back in that cage, dreaming as I sit in a block of ice, my mind making up a story to distract itself from the pain and loneliness. It wouldn’t be the first time I made something up.”
Storgen turned to Cornett, his eyes filling with tears. “There never was a true love for me. I see that now. I was so…unbearably lonely in that cage. The whole world hated me, and I hated myself, so I made up a story to cope with it. I imagined that somewhere out there, there would be a person who would love me. I clung to that lie, made it my whole life, my whole reason for existing. I made up a mirage, and then I made it my dream.”
Storgen closed his eyes, tears dripping down his face. “It’s a terrible thing to have a dream. It robs you of perspective, it muddles up your priorities. It forces you to base your happiness on some arbitrary condition. A box that once checked, you allow yourself to be happy.”
“The philosophers say, it is better to have a dream and lose it, than to have nothing.”
“Yeah? Try it sometime, then get back to me. Because I’ll tell you right now, nothing sounds like utter bliss to me right now. Numbness is better than pain. The void is preferable to torture.”
Storgen leaned back. “I never should have had a dream. I should have accepted the hand I was dealt. Better that a man live his life wanting nothing, dreaming nothing, aspiring to nothing. All else leads to despair.”
Storgen looked down at the bandaged stumps where his legs used to be. “I deserve this, Cornett.”
“No one deserves what you went through.”
Storgen shook his head. “It’s not true. I am a sinner, and this is my punishment. In my hubris, I looked out from my cage, and thought of all that others enjoy. In my pride, I coveted what others had. And I was wrong to do so. I dared to be happy, with arrogant ego I longed for that which was forbidden, that which I was not meant to have. How dare I? I mean think about it. How dare I try to find joy? Can you believe the unmitigated gall? It makes me angry just to think about how smug and vain I was. The fates gave me my lot in life, and I defied them. Like a petulant, screaming child, I thought I deserved more. I thought I could find love, too, and by doing so, I brought this punishment down on myself. My blind ambition was my enemy, and I am defeated by it.”
Storgen wept, looking out at the rain. “It’s a terrible thing, I did, in pursuit of my evil dream. I forced all my feelings on Agaprei. I made her responsible for my happiness. Assigned it to her, like a job she never applied for. I never even thought about her feelings, and how it must have felt to have someone just show up like I did and demand to be loved. How was she supposed to react? I would have reacted the same way in her position. Some maniac shows up and insists that I have to love her just because she loves me…it’s crazy…”
Storgen wiped his face. “It wasn’t fair what I did to her. I was wrong. I should have left her alone to live her own life. I treated her like a savior, someone who would rescue me from my sadness, but that wasn’t her job. She’s not responsible for my feelings. She didn’t even know me. I was just some lunatic looking for a girl with lavender hair.”
Storgen looked over at the tree in the courtyard. “And poor Philiastra. She was such a good friend to me, and when she offered me her love, I hesitated, because it didn’t fit my dream. I hurt her, I wounded someone I cared about in pursuit of some imaginary woman I had made up in my mind. I can never forgive myself for that. I did the same thing to poor Erolina. I never even gave her a chance to get close to me. I kept her at a distance, forced her to regard me in ways I felt comfortable with. It’s no wonder they all betrayed me. I would have betrayed me too. I betrayed them all from the moment I met them, and every moment since then. I deserved to be betrayed
.”
Cornett reached out and placed a sympathetic hand on Storgen’s shoulder. “I can’t pretend to know what you are going through. And I don’t mean to minimize what you are experiencing. Yet, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out to you that all is not lost. You still have time…”
“TIME?!”
Storgen’s eyes narrowed harshly. “Time is a thief. It robs us of our health, snatches away our loved ones, lays ruin to our goals. One by one, time takes away from us every single thing we care about. Even in the fortress of our minds, we are not safe from time. Our memories fade, our skills rust, all our achievements gradually made irrelevant and meaningless. Our collected experience and wisdom lost as we enfeeble. Time crumbles us from within and from without. And when we are nothing more than a hollow shell, once time has finally taken so much from us that we have nothing left to take, it takes us.”
Storgen wiped his face anew and turned to Cornett. “Can you do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Can you tell the girls…I’m sorry? I’m sorry that I was such a terrible friend. I’m sorry that I couldn’t make them as happy as they deserve to be. Tell them…I hope they have a wonderful life. I want them to have everything they ever wanted. A good family, a warm home, a man worthy of them. I wish for them peace, and prosperity, and kindness…I wish for them, everything they deserve. Tell them I’m sorry, that I caused them so many problems. Tell them I am sorry for causing them so much pain. They didn’t deserve it, and I accept my punishment for hurting them. Tell them, this wasn’t their fault. I brought this upon myself. This was my fault. I never should have left my cage.”
It broke Cornett’s heart to hear it. “Storgen…”
Storgen reached into his robes and pulled out the drawing he had made as a child. It was damp now, and splattered with blood. Carefully, he set it down and traced his fingers over the nearly invisible drawing of a woman with lavender hair. “Don’t feel bad for me, Cornett. I lost someone who never really loved me. I don’t deserve to be loved.”
Storgen picked up the drawing and held it out over the fire.
Ambrosia Page 86
