Agaprei grew disappointed. “If you really believe that, then he’s already dead.”
She stumbled on her feet, and Cornett came by to get her. “Come, you need your rest. Let’s get you back to bed.”
“Yeah, you’re distracting me!” Erolina shouted. “Now get out!”
She could see the beginnings of sunlight stirring at the edge of the horizon. “Have I been at this all night? Has it been this long?”
Her red eyes went wide, recalling Cornett’s prediction. “Oh no!”
She grabbed the chalice again, her fingernails cracking from the cold, her skin blistering from the heat.
“Come on, Storgen, please. Please, hear me.”
When the chalice remained quiet, she began to panic. Already, she could hear the birds beginning to stir as dawn approached, the light gathering at the horizon.
Dropping to her knees, Erolina clasped her hands in prayer. “Goddess Raelyn, I come to you in urgent haste. A man liess dying, injured by my hand, and I plead with you to spare his life. Goddess Raelyn, creator of the amazons, I know you hate me and hate my kind. If this man lives, I will suffer greatly as a result, as his life will remind me of what I have done to him. And so, I offer my suffering in token. Please, Great One, please help me save him.”
Her prayer complete, Erolina returned her hands to the rim. “Come on, I can do this. I can let go of my pride. I can love unconditionally. I can. I CAN!”
She closed her eyes and prayed even harder, but nothing happened.
“I can…I can…please. Just for one moment, come on, Erolina, you can do this.”
Still nothing happened.
She prayed again, and again, her words becoming panicked, her body trembling with frustration.
“Please…please…please…please…”
She gripped the rim in frustration, causing another crack to appear.
“I can let go of my pride. I can…”
Another crack appeared, tracing its way down the side of the chalice. Outside, the sky began to grow blue.
Sweat beaded on her brow. “Come on…COME ON!”
The chalice kicked her away again, throwing her against the wall. In frustration, she slammed her fists against the floor, shattering the marble tiles.
She yanked on her silver hair. “Why can’t I do this?!”
She covered her face in shame. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just…why can’t I just love him? Am I really such a terrible person? Am I really so awful…?”
Storgen’s heartbeat became fainter still, his skin blackening.
“No, NO!”
She crawled back to the fractured chalice, gripping it carefully as not to damage it further. “Why can’t I do this? It should be so simple.”
She prayed again, but the same maddening silence as before came back to greet her.
Her red eyes quivered. “What’s wrong with me? Do I have a bad heart or something? Am I broken? Was Knives right, am I really incapable of…?”
Storgen’s heartbeat stopped, and the chalice shattered, shards crumbling into a pile on the floor.
“Storgen! No, no you have to hold on.”
She crawled up to him and touched his icy cold chest. He had stopped breathing.
“Please, please no! Breathe. You have to breathe!”
As she compressed his chest, his skin turned pitch black.
“Oh no…oh, no, oh no, please, please no!”
His body went completely stiff.
“STORGEN!”
Tears falling free from her face, she fell atop him, every cell in her body screaming in unison. With wracking sobs, she wept in utter desolation, her hands clawing at the bedsheets, the primal sound of her wails echoing mournfully through the room. It was as if she was being shredded from within, gasping for air as if it no longer existed, her back arching and shaking in pain.
Her hand came up and touched Storgen’s cold, lifeless cheek. Her voice was so soft, barely above a whisper.
“I’m…sorry.”
Her chest throbbing with sorrow, she cried like her soul would tear loose through her skin, her physical frame no longer able to contain it.
“I’m sorry,” she said again.
“I am not who I pretend to be! I betrayed my people, I violated our most sacred law. Long ago, when I was young, I let myself fall in love with a man. Instead of returning to my lands, I married him and lived as his wife. And for that, I lost everything. I was disowned by my mother, I was banished from my tribe. I lost my daughter. I am…a fraud. A complete and utter fraud. I’m not an honorable tracker, I’m a thief and a liar. I was stripped of all my honor years ago.”
She balled her fists so hard her fingernails drew blood. “I became a champion because I was starving. I was desperate to win back my mother’s affection. I wanted to see my daughter again. I sent the amazons food and medical supplies because I wanted them to forgive me. I…I was the one who set Fovos free. I let my former husband manipulate me because I felt awful about what I had done. I cursed him. I made him what he is. And I have cursed you as well, Storgen. I didn’t tell you what I had done in the underworld; I didn’t tell you when I saw Knives in the hotel. I’m sorry, I am so very sorry. I was selfish, and foolish, and small-minded. I was a terrible comrade to you, and an even worse friend. I took advantage of you, I even tried to force myself onto you, for my own glory, to worm my way back into my mother’s favor. And the worst part is, I insisted I didn’t feel bad about it. My tutors always taught me that a true amazon never feels guilt. And that was the one thing I was hanging onto. The one law I had not yet violated. I know it was wrong and stupid, but it was the only thing I had left that still made me feel like a real amazon.”
She looked up, her face red, her eyes puffed, her tears flowing. She ran her hand along Storgen’s black cheek. “But, it’s not true. It’s not true at all…because I do feel guilty. I feel anguish in my heart every time I look at you. I am scum, the worst of the worst, and I hate myself for everything I have done. I am not a true amazon. I am a terrible person. But, you shouldn’t have to die because of me. Please, please don’t die. I…”
She nuzzled her face into his chest.
“…I love you.”
As she wept, the shards of the chalice let off a faint beat.
It beat a second time, a little bit stronger, and this time Storgen’s heart beat with it.
It beat a third time, stronger still, and Erolina’s heart beat in unison with Storgen’s.
It beat a fourth time, so strong that it filled the room with light.
Erolina felt herself falling, the world coming apart around her, like a great tapestry unwinding and unraveling.
When she landed, she found herself within a great hunting lodge, with a roaring fire, and long wooden benches made from grox antlers. The heads of prized stuffed beasts lined the walls, many born up by strong timbers. Trophies of skill and courage rightly displayed and smartly adorned. The last rays of sunlight fell on the wide hearth, and triumphant music filled the air.
Amazons from every bloodline sat at one great table, feasting, laughing, and toasting a good day of hunting and sport. Frothy ale dripped from every stein, and the air blossomed with aromatic spices and herbs.
Outside, the cold wind drove the snow into dunes, but no amount of cold could penetrate this place. This was a place of warmth, of loud laugher, a place of song and of stories, where great deeds were told and celebrated.
At the head of the table sat their queen. She was strong and wise, she listened to their words with care and they responded to her words with devotion. Each of the family heads stood up and renewed their fealty, and she led them all in a rowdy toast.
As Erolina drew near, she could see that it was her on the throne, but a much more lovely and carefree version of her. This person belonged here, completely at ease with her life and her position. She wore the crown as if it were light, the burden of leadership flowing effortless from her without worry and without doubt. She embodi
ed the ideals and the dreams of those she protected. She laughed harder, drank deeper, sang louder, fought longer, and loved more fully than anyone else. She was their hero, their protector, their idol. Her heart brimmed over with happiness, and she shared the excess freely and without reservation.
Erolina stood there, her heart beating hard in her chest as she watched this alternate version of herself.
“This is what he wishes me to have?”
She felt her heart beat even harder.
Her eyes fell. “I don’t deserve him.”
She turned away from the vision and looked out into the cold winter outside. “Storgen, if you can hear me, I have a wish for you as well. I wish for you a life of happiness, whatever that means. I wish you happiness, even if it is with someone else other than me.”
Her feelings flowed out from her in great waves, filling the hall with greater and greater light, until everything became pure liquid white.
* * *
Storgen felt the warmth of sunlight on his face. The soft caress of the sheets beneath him. His ears began to register sounds again. Birds outside, the muffled roar of the Levánta falls. He could feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed. He could feel the pulse of his heart in his veins.
Slowly, he opened his eyes, and saw the smiling face of a glowing the River Guardian watching over him.
“Welcome back to the world of the living,” Cornett said, relieved.
Storgen licked his dry tongue against tacky lips. “How long have I been asleep?”
“It’s been a week since you returned from the tower.”
Storgen looked around, his vison slowly acclimating to the light. “That long? Where’s Agaprei?”
“She left last night. She’s traveling to the Nótos Peninsula to find her family. She made me swear I would care for you for as long as needed.”
Cornett placed a friendly hand on Storgen’s shoulder. “Rest easy. No matter what happens, you will always have a room here, for as long as you need it.”
“Thank you, that is most kind. And Phili?”
“Yesterday afternoon. She wanted to make sure you were going to recover before she returned to her forest.”
“And Erolina?”
“This morning. She’s returning to her homeland. She was a terrible maid, but she made for a great guard. She stood watch over you day and night.”
Storgen tried to lift his head, but his senses spun and he abandoned the effort. “I see.”
“For a while there, we were worried we might have lost you.”
“For a while, I think you did.”
“What do you remember?”
Storgen looked out at the falling water. “I was in a dark place, an empty place. I had nothing to live for, and so I ceased to live. It was cold, so bitterly cold. And dark. I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. I could feel my eyelids open and close, but it made no difference. But, through the void I heard a voice. I saw a light, beckoning to me. She called me back, Cornett. She gave me a reason to open my eyes again. It was her. It was always her.”
“Whose voice did you hear?”
If the voice was Philiastra’s, proceed to chapters Thirty-Three to Thirty Four.
If the voice was Erolina’s, proceed to chapters Thirty-Five to Thirty-Six.
If the voice was Agaprei’s, proceed to chapters Thirty-Seven to the end.
Chapter Thirty Three
Ultimately, we are all alone, completely unable to truly see from any perspective other than our own. The thoughts of others, their motivations, their desires, their hearts, are things we can at best only guess at, conjecture based on unprovable assumptions. We can never truly know the mind or heart of another. We can never truly share their experiences, never see the world from their eyes. We are alone, trapped within our own minds.
However, because we are alone, we reach out for each other.
- Parable from the Holy Scrolls of Soeck, Fifth Binding, Ninth Stanza
“Philiastra,” Storgen answered as he lay in his bed. “It was her voice that reached me in the void. It was her feelings that brought me back from the abyss. When I heard her, I heard someone who knew the real me. I tend to hide my real feelings, Cornett. I put on an act. I put on a mask. I play a role. But she was never fooled. She always looked past my veil, and looked at the scared child beneath. It’s a frightening thing, for me, to have someone see me naked. I don’t mean clothes, of course, I mean to be seen without any dressing, any adornment, any polish. She knew every untidy and embarrassing thing about me, but none of that mattered to her. She loved me when I was a penniless painter living in the streets, because that is who I really am. I’m not a great champion. I’m not a chosen hero. I’m just me. And she loved that me. I should have realized how truly precious that is.”
Storgen leaned his head forward to cough, instinctively lifting his right hand to muffle the reflex. But, as he no longer possessed a right hand, he instead hacked yellow phlegm onto his chest.
“Here, let me get that,” Cornett offered, grabbing a towel.
Storgen stared at the stump of his right arm as Cornett cleaned him up. Even the immortal River Guardian had to turn away from the pain that swam in Storgen’s faded eyes.
“I wonder if she would love what is left of me,” Storgen asked, his eyes swimming. “I wonder if it would even be fair to ask anyone to love a cripple.”
Cornett sat back, trying to find the right words to say. “That girl loves you deeply, my boy.”
“She loved who I was. But that man is gone. This worthless old stump is all that’s left. If I go back to her now, I’d be condemning her to care for an invalid. What would she get out of that?”
“I think you sell her short, boy.”
Storgen turned his head to look out at the tree on the patio. “She was right, Cornett. Love isn’t some rare or mystical thing. It’s everywhere, it’s as common as sunlight, as abundant as air. But, that doesn’t make it any less special. And that’s why I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I was looking for some huge, earth-shattering thing. I was expecting to be swept away. I was so focused on my dream of a destined true love, that I didn’t realize I had already found love. I was looking for a parade, a carnival, a grand spectacle, I thought I’d have to journey to the ends of the earth to find it, and because of that, I missed the beauty of a simple flower on my doorstep.”
He tried to wiggle his toes, but there was nothing to wiggle now. It was the strangest sensation. He could still feel them burn, but they weren’t there.
“No, that’s not entirely true. I think on some level I did realize it. That’s why, when I met Agaprei, I began to feel guilty. I began to feel like I was betraying Philiastra by pursuing Agaprei. Because that is exactly what I was doing. And I drove Phili away, Cornett. I cast love aside in pursuit of fiction, and in doing so I hurt her. If I had only answered Philiastra truthfully when she asked me the first time, none of this would have happened.”
“What about Agaprei?”
“Estia and Tharros were destined to be together, but I am not Tharros, and Agaprei is not Estia. We have our own paths to follow in this life. Just because our paths crossed in a previous life, doesn’t mean they will do so again. My path was to be with Philiastra. But I abandoned that path, and now it is lost to me.”
“So, what happens now?”
“I don’t know. If I return to her, she’ll feel obligated to take me in. She’s a good person that way, she can’t help it. I’d feel terrible for becoming a parasite to her new life. On the other hand, if I don’t go to her, then there was no reason to open my eyes again in the first place, and I would forever dishonor her gift to me. I don’t think I could bear that, either.”
“So, what will you do?”
“I will do neither.”
“So, you’re just going to do nothing?”
“I didn’t say that. I see my mistake now. Up until now, I’ve been focused on myself. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be happy. It was all for me
, and that was wrong. And I paid the price for it. Now, I understand, and it’s so simple. It’s not about me, it’s about helping others. That’s going to be my focus now.”
“That is very noble.”
“Thank you, but that is not the only reason I’m doing it. I’m doing it to keep my sanity as well. Every time I look at my ruined body, I die inside. If I don’t find a way to distract myself I’m going to lose my mind.”
“So, what are you going to do?
“I’m going to help her, Cornett. I’m going to help her find her dream. I refuse to be a burden to her. Instead I’m going to be a boon. I’m going to help her build her new forest, I’m going to help her rebuild her tribe.”
“But, you are a human. You can’t even enter the forest. How are you possibly going to do that?”
“Because I have something to donate to the cause.”
Storgen took his left hand and rubbed his neck, carefully teasing something higher and higher up inside his throat.
Storgen held out his hand and spit something into it.
Cornett drew near. “Is that…?”
They looked at the bright crimson gemstone in Storgen’s hand.
Storgen closed his fingers. “This will become the new heart of the forest.”
* * *
Sapphire waves lapped against the island beneath a sea of stars. It was several miles wide, rising up through the shallows, with a large coral lagoon surrounding it like a ring, protecting it from the ocean swells beyond. Yet for all of its grass and bushes, there was only one place where trees had grown. A single lump of palm trees at the edge of a clear freshwater lake, only one of which still stood.
The bark of the palm tree bulged outwards and became a body. Philiastra broke free and fell to the ground in exhaustion, her head spinning, her senses reeling. She rolled onto her back, gulping down ragged mouthfuls of air.
Ambrosia Page 89
