by Skye Warren
But now it’s like he’s purposely trying to prove a point. He got his whole arm tattooed over the summer without telling his parents. And he’s been drinking and partying a lot. The things my father says boys like him do. Boys from the other side of town, whom he doesn’t want me hanging out with.
But that isn’t really Colt. Or at least not the one that I know.
His friends are different than him. They all act like they’re in a gang or something, but really they just sit around and drink. I don’t know why Colton started hanging out with them. Last week, when I walked into the garage and caught them smoking, they laughed at me.
Colton told me to go.
He's never done that before.
But I know he had his reasons. He looked mad when they started laughing and whispering stuff about me.
I was used to it, by then.
I have braces and glasses and I've always been awkward, so boys only ever really laugh at me. But not Colt. He never laughs.
Which is why my nerves settle in my stomach when we finally find him in the hall. He's talking to a girl. A really pretty girl.
Not like me.
The relief that I just felt is swallowed up by humiliation and shame. Especially when Colton notices us standing there and he looks disappointed. Annoyed even.
"Hey," he says, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
His eyes move between Kristina and me, and the silence has never stretched so long between us.
Kristina rambles about her class schedule, telling him all the rooms she's in and the teachers she got saddled with. But Colton and I aren't talking. He's just staring at me like he wishes I would disappear.
My eyes are burning and I want to spill my guts. The way we've always done with each other. I want to blurt out how nervous I am and have him reassure me that everything is going to be alright and nothing is going to change.
But the longer we stand here, the more I feel him drifting away from me.
The girl beside him grabs his hand and whispers something in his ear. And my whole world comes crumbling down around me.
Because Colt doesn’t stay and tell me it’s going to be alright. He walks away.
With her.
Chapter 3
From across the crowded room, Colton eyes his little sister and studies her face as she stares up at her fiancé. She's worn that smile ever since she smashed into Brenton on the street on her way to work a year ago.
But one look at them and I don't have any worries.
Some people are just made for each other.
I can understand why Colton would be concerned though. He's always been protective of his family. Of his friends. Even me, when the situation warranted it.
In high school, even after things started to change between us, he still looked out for me. The way an older brother would if I'd had one of my own.
The problem was, I never saw Colt as an older brother. And all he could ever see me as was a little sister.
Until that night. The night of his graduation. The night that everything changed between us. For a short while, I thought I had the old Colton back. The one that I grew up with. The one that I always loved.
But I was wrong. And when he left for basic training a few days later, I never heard from him again.
He came home on leave, of course. But he was always careful to avoid seeing me. Or he'd fly his family out to see him, wherever he was at.
And now here we are, five years later. Sitting in the same room. Preparing for the holidays and the time of year he always loved the most.
The Nass family always goes all out for Christmas. And this year there’s a wedding to boot. The house is full, and the atmosphere is the same as it always has been.
But right now, it feels like I don’t belong here. It feels suffocating. Like I have to get away.
Because Colt keeps glancing at me across the room. Waiting for the right moment. I can see it in his eyes. He wants to talk.
And that can never happen.
The past needs to remain exactly that.
Dead and buried.
Because he’s going to leave again. The same way he did five years ago. And I’m not about to let him do any more damage than what he already has.
It isn’t even about me anymore.
It hasn’t been about me in five years. And right now, all I really want to do is go home to the reason Colt and I can never repeat history again.
But before I have a chance to indulge that thought, someone taps me on the shoulder.
"Hey, Pepper."
I move my gaze to the man standing next to me, far too close to be considered a friend.
Vincent.
One of the groomsmen.
I've spent some time with him over the last year, during the occasional dinner and social event. Kristina has even not so subtly tried to set us up. Vincent is totally game for it.
Unfortunately, I'm just not.
He's handsome. And nice. He hails from a good family, and he’s everything my father would have wanted for me, to be quite honest.
But I was never very good at fitting the mold.
And I never really got over Colton.
I’ve dated. I’ve tried to move on from it. From him.
To forget everything that happened that night.
But all I can think about when another man is holding me in his arms is that it isn’t right.
He just left.
Like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.
And I haven’t been the same since.
"Would you like to dance?" Vincent asks.
I give him a polite smile and nod. It's a party. For my best friend. And I shouldn't be sitting in the corner thinking the things that I am. I should be celebrating. Smiling and laughing and dancing.
So Vincent takes me by the hand and leads me into the middle of the living room amongst the small space where the others have gathered.
He's a good dancer. And I don't have to do much of anything except for follow his lead and participate in the occasional conversation he tries to create between us. Kristina smiles at me from across the room and winks. I smile back.
But my eyes are moving towards the empty stool. The one where Colton was just before. And now he's not.
My heart sinks a little at the thought. That maybe he's disappeared again. That maybe it really will be another five years before he comes back.
Or that maybe he's in the kitchen, banging one of the other bridesmaids.
That was something the old Colton would do.
Forever the life of the party. The stereotypical bad boy. The one every girl coveted. Wishing she could earn just a few minutes of his attention.
I would know because I was one of them too. Pathetically enough.
And Colt definitely played the field. He never dated anyone seriously, but he didn't shy away from having casual encounters either.
For some reason, I wanted to believe that I was more to him. That when he took me that night, it was different.
But it wasn't.
And things are different now. I'm twenty-three.
It's time that I start thinking about what I really want to do with my life. I don't just have myself to think about anymore.
I've got a good job at the health clinic. I busted my ass to get through college, even though most people didn't think there was any way I could do it, given the circumstances.
I've worked hard to get where I am. To convince myself that I am worth more than that.
And maybe it's time that I start taking guys like Vincent more seriously.
He likes me, in spite of my flaws. He takes me as I am.
I look up at him and smile. And even though it takes effort, I think that maybe I could really make it work somehow. If I just tried a little harder.
That is until another voice cuts through my hazy thoughts.
The voice from my past. The voice I thought I would probably never hear again.
"I can take it from here, Vincent.”<
br />
I blink up at him, and all my justifications go right out the window.
He looks pissed. And possessive. And I can’t find a single argument when he steals me away from Vincent.
Nor an apology, for that matter.
Chapter 4
I always knew this day would come.
No matter how much I wanted and dreaded it in equal parts.
Colt has returned, and I have a feeling that everything is about to go up in flames.
When he pulls my body close and traps me in his arms, it feels like not a day has passed. Like I'm still that pliable girl from five years ago. And he’s still the boy that can break me if he wants to.
I hate myself for that. I hate him for making me feel that way.
I look up and catch him staring at me. Not that Colt has ever tried to hide anything. He wears his emotions on his face for the world to see.
If he doesn't like you, you'll know it. If you're the center of his world for that moment, or if he's done with you, then you'll really know it.
I learned that the hard way.
"You look good, Pepper," he tells me in a gruff voice.
I try to remember if I even put on makeup this morning. I’m the same girl that I always was in that regard. Light on the makeup and just a touch of lip gloss. Fair skin and blonde hair that my mother would never allow me to dye.
Colt, on the other hand, is all man now. He has the same messy brown hair, cut short but never styled. And the same gray eyes and olive skin. But there isn’t a boyish thing about him. He’s still as handsome as ever. And more dangerous than ever, too.
"You look the same." My words are sharp, and it catches us both by surprise.
I always wanted to believe that I let go of my anger. That the resentment I felt had slowly dissipated over the years. But being back in his presence now, I can tell that's anything but true.
The room is loud around us, but inside our space, the silence is suffocating. Colton has tightened his grip on me as though I might run off at any moment.
I won't give him the satisfaction of allowing him to know he's affected me anymore than he already has.
"What do you think of Brenton?" he asks.
The question is stiff and too formal. It's obvious that right now, he's struggling with what to say. And this is the safest topic of conversation. The middle ground. The person we both know and love, and the one who has always been the buffer between us.
Kristina.
"He's a good man," I answer. "He'll do right by her."
My voice leaves no doubt, but again, there's that hardness that I can't seem to shake. And the unspoken words that we can both hear.
The way you didn't.
Colt nods and the regret is back in his eyes. Things have never been so stilted between us. Gone is the easy laughter and the mischief in his smile.
It seems I am not the only one who has changed.
I know he did two tours overseas. Iraq and Afghanistan.
I didn't want to think about that. In the back of my mind, I always pictured him the same way he was when he left. The kind of guy who did what he wanted and didn't care what anyone else thought. The kind of guy who stood up for what he believed in.
I liked to believe that he was somewhere else all this time. On a beach in Mexico, maybe. Relaxing with a Corona in his hand instead of a war zone.
It was the only thing I could believe. The only thing I could accept. Because the alternative was too much for my already fragile mind.
But seeing him now, seeing the light in his eyes gone, I know that there's no running from reality anymore.
Colton has changed, and so have I.
And when the song comes to an end, I realize that so does everything else in life. Sometimes, we are never going to get the closure that we need or want. The validation we crave. The apologies left unsaid.
And maybe that's because it's just better this way.
I try to pull away, but Colt stops me.
"Pepper."
I can't bring myself to look at him. Or even speak. Because there is still so much anger inside of me. But I'm afraid that even the last five years hasn't strengthened me in that regard.
I'm still the girl that will cry when she's angry and all she really wants to do is yell. The girl who will internalize everything and wear a false smile on my face when all I really want to do is break down. I'll tell him it's okay. That the past is the past, and everything is forgotten.
Only it's not.
So I don't speak at all. I don't look at him.
And now I'm wondering how I'm going to get through the holidays. Seeing him for two weeks. Every single day.
And then there's the matter of Kristina.
Of what she might say to him. How she will undoubtedly mention the one thing I really wish she wouldn't. Because she has no idea.
Nobody does.
Nobody but me.
"Pepper, I want to talk to you," he says. "About that night..."
“Would you get a look at you two,” Mrs. Nass cuts in. “Dancing after all these years. How long has it been since you’ve seen Pepper, Colton?”
“Five years,” I answer for him.
I keep my gaze focused on Mrs. Nass, but I can feel his eyes on me.
“Can you believe how grown up she is?” Mrs. Nass gushes, her hot toddy sloshing over the side of her cup as she gestures with her hands. “I am just so proud of her. How far she’s come. Doing everything on her own. You wouldn’t believe how hard she’s worked. And that sweet little…”
“Mrs. Nass,” I screech.
She blinks at me in surprise, and my cheeks burn as I try to think of something to say. Anything to distract her from what she was about to blurt.
“You’re spilling your drink,” I point out sheepishly.
She glances at the floor and frowns. “Oh, so I am. I better grab a dish cloth.”
When she walks away, I try to retreat myself. But Colton grabs my arm and keeps me in place.
“Pepper.”
When I glance up at him, his eyes are hard. And suspicious.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
I shove his hand away and fold my arms across my chest, going on the defensive.
“What’s going on in my life is none of your business,” I tell him. “You’ve had five years to ask those questions. But you didn’t. And you aren’t about to start now.”
“You used to be able to tell me anything,” he says quietly.
The hurt in his voice only manages to stoke the anger inside of me. And my own hurt too.
“And you used to care about someone other than yourself.”
He stuffs his hands into his pockets and glances at the floor. I can already tell this isn’t over. That he thinks we can talk it out somehow. So I need to make it clear right now, exactly how it’s going to be.
“Two weeks,” I tell him. “That’s all we have to get through.”
He blinks up at me, and I have to focus on the people behind him so I don’t get lost in those sad gray eyes. The way I did before.
“Let’s just pretend for Kristina’s sake that everything is fine. We’ll get through Christmas, and then we can go our separate ways. We’ll never have to see each other again.”
My throat is tight, and I’m expecting an argument. Something.
It’s an empty expectation.
I don’t know why I ever anticipated anything other than what happens next.
Because Colt does what he’s always done best.
He leaves.
Chapter 5
There are two weeks until Christmas. Which can only mean one thing. The incessant prodding at my leg is Carolina, the housekeeper.
Every room of the house needs to be pristine, to keep up appearances. All the best decorations to make it feel like a real family atmosphere. It feels more like a mall to me.
"Just skip over my room," I groan as I hide under the covers. "I'll clean it myself."
Still the tapping c
ontinues. And this time, the hand slides under the blanket and wraps around my ankle.
Warm and strong and... masculine.
A scream slithers up my throat as I bolt upright and tear off the covers. Before I can get it out, there's a flash of movement and that same hand is over my mouth.
"Shhh..." the familiar voice whispers. "It's me."
I blink up at Colt, and I'm suddenly very aware of three things.
His body, pressed against mine. The fact that my tank top is practically see-through and I'm not wearing a bra. And Colton Nass is in my bedroom.
I peel his fingers away from my mouth once my breathing has calmed and hope he can't feel the cannon going off in my chest.
He smells so good. And he's so warm. And we've never been this close to each other. But he isn't moving away. Neither am I.
He's staring down at me, and whatever he came here for seems to be long forgotten as something else stirs between us. His eyes drift over my face and down to my lips, and a shiver moves up my spine.
It's been so long since he's even looked my way. It doesn't make sense for him to be here. I don't even know how he got in.
"Colt?" his name comes out breathy, and he doesn't miss it.
"Pepper."
His voice is gruff, and his breath smells like mint as it skates across my lips.
He brings his hand up to my face, trailing his fingers over my cheek. I close my eyes and wait. And hope. But he doesn't kiss me. He's just right there, and it's the thing I've always wanted from him, but he isn't giving it to me.
It makes me irrationally angry. And temporarily insane. Because I can't think clearly when he's so close. When I can smell his cologne and feel his body heat against mine. And when I shift beneath him, I feel something else too.
Pressing into my hip bone.
Colton closes his own eyes and shudders, and that's when I strike. My hands tangle in his short hair and my lips crash against his.
It isn't like in the movies. Because I have no idea what I'm doing. Only that I want this. I want it so much I can't even worry about embarrassing myself or his impending rejection.
But he doesn't reject me. At least not at first.
