by BL Mute
Finally, he spoke again. “Okay. I’ll text you the address to my dad’s house. He still owns his place here.” And with that, I hung up. He sent me an address, so I clicked it and let my maps pull up and tell me where to go.
I drove for an hour before I was on the other side of Harper Valley and pulling onto a narrow gravel road. I followed it all the way to the end where a small house sat.
The white siding of the house was the only thing visible in the dark. No lights were on, and it was quiet. I put my car into park and stepped out to look around. I spotted his bike sitting on its kickstand by the front porch, so I knew I was in the right place.
I climbed the steps and went to the front door. Before I could knock, I heard him speak. “What are you doing here, Jupiter?” He stood from the corner of the porch and walked toward me.
His six-foot-two frame was fuller, more intimidating, standing over me how he was. “You…” I fumbled. “You gave me the address. I thought that meant it was okay to come.” I looked down to my shoes.
“That’s not what I meant, Jupiter. I mean why did you call me, why did you want to see me?” His eyes stared right through my body. He looked at me as if I was nothing more than a distant memory, which I guess I was.
Without any warning, water filled my eyes. “Something happened and I didn’t want to go home. I don’t want to tell Mia.”
He ran his hand down his face, then back up and pushed it into his hair. “So, what, I’m just a call to save you? Someone to distract you until you’re ready to do what you need to do? I’ve waited around for two years and that’s all I am to you?”
His words rang true. He was right. I left him and didn’t think twice about it. “You know what, you’re right. Sorry I called.” The pill I took had already kicked in on the drive, but I thought I was okay. I always took one and did normal everyday shit.
I turned to quickly and got a head rush which resulted in my feet getting tied up because my brain wouldn’t tell them to move. My knees went weak, and I started to fall, right down the fucking steps. I was ready for it, the impact. I closed my eyes tight and waited, but it never came.
A strong arm wrapped around my waist and lifted me upright. I peeked open my eyes and saw James’s staring back at me. He was too close; we were too close. And just like that day at the lake, my world stopped turning. The coldness of his stare melted away before my eyes. I was staring into the green eyes that belonged to the boy I loved again.
I think he felt it too or maybe my eyes shone the same way, I’m not sure. He opened his mouth and whispered my name. “Jupiter…”
But he didn’t say anything else. I pushed onto my toes and crashed my lips to his. We were sloppy and erratic, just a knot of hands and lips and breaths. I gripped his short hair into my hands and lifted myself so I could wrap around his waist.
Without missing a beat, he grabbed my ass to steady me, then kicked open the front door. He maneuvered his way through the dark with our lips still locked, then pushed open another door.
He ripped his lips from mine and set me down on my feet, then fumbled with my clothes, tearing them from my body with zero care. I kicked off my shoes and tore open his jeans, pushed his shirt up, and kissed his chest. We were a mess—a big complicated mess that I didn’t even understand at that point.
He hoisted me up again, and my legs wrapped around him on instinct. We fell into the bed, and this time, James didn’t stop to ask if I was okay or if this was my first time. He knew it wasn’t. The sweet boy who would ask was gone after all.
“I’m not a boy anymore, Jupiter, so don’t expect me to fuck like one,” he rasped.
I unhooked my legs from around him and opened them wide, using my body to tell him I was ready. He pushed into me with a single thrust. I cried out and screamed his name. He didn’t slow and didn’t stop. He just kept pushing into me over and over.
His arms framed my head and his hot breath burned my neck, but I didn’t care. Just like at the lake, I only cared about him. I was eighteen all over again, falling for the boy who was too good for me.
I ran my chipped black fingernails over his back and grew hotter when he growled into my ear. He rolled to his back and dragged me on top of him. I rode him as he grabbed my long hair over my shoulder and pulled my face to his. His soft lips were on me again as my body moved, and his body tensed.
I could feel it happening. My core tightened and my legs turned to mush. I screamed his name into his mouth, and he swallowed it up.
And then I did it—I sent him over the edge. “I love you!” I cried.
My eyes opened at my own words as his did the same. His cold stare was back, but it didn’t stop his orgasm. He stared right into my eyes as he lifted me and came all over his own stomach.
Before he could speak or even clean himself up, I jumped from the bed, gathered my clothes, and ran out the door. I was fucked-up. The pill was hitting, and the total sexual bliss made my mind foggy. It made me say those three little words I would never be able to take back again.
My body is a ball of nerves just thinking back on that memory. My hands are twitching, and I can feel sweat dripping down my neck.
“Well damn!” she lets out with a whistle. “I would say that’s pretty fucking awesome how y’all made up, but you just left him there. Why?” Her eyes turned curious and sad.
“Honestly?” I took a drink of the coffee the bartender brought me. “I don’t even know why I called him. I guess maybe after seeing him at my mom’s, it stirred up old feelings and memories; it felt like the logical thing to do at that point even though I wasn’t thinking logically.”
She nods and looks to her computer, then back to me.
“As soon as I said it, I knew I was wrong. I was with Mia. I mean, I hadn’t even seen James in years, and now I was falling into bed with him?” I shake my head. “It wasn’t right and even through my foggy mind, I knew that, so I left.”
As she registers everything I’m saying, I start to think even more—more about that night. The stuff that happened with Kip seemed so small compared to everything else. I had honestly almost forgotten about it until I started talking about it with the stranger.
Everything was so intense that night. We didn’t move slowly, and nothing was sweet. Regardless of my words, that was straight hate sex. I shake away the thoughts and turn to the woman.
“Ready for more?” I say flatly.
“Only if you’re willing to continue,” she says with a tight smile.
I smile back, take a deep breath, then go on…
When I made it to my car, I hurried and put my clothes back on. My phone kept ringing on the drive home, but I didn’t answer it, didn’t even look to see who it was because I knew who it was. It was James. He was probably wanting to ask why I left the way I did, but we weren’t kids anymore; I wasn’t stuck at my high school graduation and forced to do drastic shit to leave. No, I was an adult and could leave without an explanation.
I cried the whole way home. I beat myself up over the words I let slip out of my mouth and even more for what I had done to Mia. Even if she was nothing more than a friend with benefits to me, she still didn’t deserve what I did. I needed to tell her, and I planned to do just that when I got home.
I walked up the stairs and pushed open the door to our apartment slowly. It was late, so I wasn’t surprised by everything being dark and quiet. I threw my bag and keys onto the counter, then made my way to our room.
Mia was curled into a ball on our bed sleeping soundly. Instead of waking her up, I decided to shower, then crawl into bed with her. I gathered some clothes and headed into the bathroom.
I closed the door behind me quietly and stripped out of my clothes for the second time that night. I stared at myself in the mirror. My lipstick was smeared, I had black streaks running down my face, and my hair was nothing but a tangled mess hanging over my shoulders.
I couldn’t believe what I had done. I had always told myself I would never be that girl, but that�
�s exactly what I was in that moment. I was a cheater, a user, an all-around horrible person—more horrible than I was before.
I shook away the thoughts and turned on the water. I stepped in and let the hot water punish my body. I scrubbed my face hard, trying to get the taste of James’s lips and tongue off me. I washed between my legs twice and hoped Mia wouldn’t be able to smell the evidence on me when I got into bed.
I washed and rinsed until the water was cold, then stepped back out and prepared myself to tell her everything that happened. She deserved to know.
When I dried and dressed, I went back into the bedroom. Mia was sitting on the edge of the bed with my phone in her hands. She didn’t say anything. She just cut her watery eyes to me, shook her head, then threw my phone onto the bed.
“Mia,” I croaked.
My phone lit up on the bed. It was James calling again. I knew I should have never saved his number after I dialed it, but I wanted to make sure I had it in case I ever needed it.
“I can’t even believe this,” she whispered.
I wasn’t sure what she saw on my phone, but I wanted to know before I tried to talk to her. I walked to the bed and picked it up, then scrolled through the messages.
Call me. What the fuck was that?
Jupiter, seriously. You can’t fuck me and say you love me then run away again.
Damn it! Call me Jupiter. I’m done waiting.
I cringed and stopped reading. Those first three messages told Mia all she needed to know.
“Why?” she asked.
I drew my eyes away from the phone and back to her. “There was—” I cleared my throat, trying to find the right words. “Kip. There was an issue with Kip.”
She rolled her eyes and stood from the bed. “Don’t bullshit me, Jupiter. I could give a fuck less about Kip. Kip isn’t the one texting this shit on your goddamn phone!” she yelled.
I jumped at her harsh tone. Sure, Mia and I had fought before, but she had never spoken to me like this. “You already know what happened, Mia,” I let out with a sigh.
“I want you to tell me,” she demanded.
I looked at her and chewed my lip. I was ashamed of myself and knew this would be the end of Mia and me. No more pills, no more sex, no more anything. Mia was my literal lifeline. Without her I had no car, no place to live, and most importantly, nothing to numb the pain.
“I slept with him,” I whispered.
Mia shook her head again and paced the room. “How is that even possible?” she yelled. “You haven’t even spoken to him in years.”
I didn’t want to cross her path, so I just plopped down onto the floor. “I saw him when I went to visit my mom. He was there with Peyton and Chance.”
She stopped pacing right in front of me. “You said you didn’t even see your mom, that you left because you couldn’t handle it.” She stared down on me. “What else are you lying about, Jupiter?”
“I didn’t make it through the door because he’s the one who answered it!” I yelled back. “And nothing! I’m not lying about anything else, Mia.”
She just nodded and stayed quiet for a minute. “Get out.” All fight and anger had left her voice.
I looked around confused. “You can’t be…” I tipped my head. “You can’t be serious. I have nowhere to go. Babe, please,” I begged.
“Don’t babe me. I’m done, Jupiter.”
“Mia, don’t do this.” I reached for her leg. My hand connected with her soft skin was nothing more than a reminder of what I was losing.
“Done” was all she said before she kicked free of my hold and walked into the bathroom and slammed the door.
She didn’t want to hear me explain, she didn’t let me kiss everything better like I usually did; she just walked out and took all my security, comfort, and habits with her.
Mia was all I had left, the only bridge I hadn’t burned. I banged on the bathroom door for hours, but she never answered, never came out. I beat the door until my hands ached and my eyes couldn’t be held up anymore. I tried. I tried so hard to tell her and explain everything. I tried to tell her it meant nothing, but I honestly didn’t even believe that myself.
“I love you.” I sobbed on the floor in front of the door before I finally let sleep take its hold on me.
Mia finally came out of the bathroom around 7:00 a.m. Her stepping over me woke me. All the events from the night and early morning before flew into my head, and I was back in panic mode.
“Mia…” I whispered, sitting up from the floor. “Can I please explain?”
She didn’t speak. She just walked to the bed, sat down, put her head into her hands, and sobbed. I crawled to the bed and sat at her feet. I was scared and nervous all at once to touch her, but I wanted to console her, tell her everything would be okay even though I was the reason for her pain.
I placed my hand on her calf and stroked softly. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked with my words.
She lifted her head from her hands and wrapped them around my chest. She pulled me into her lap and cried into my hair.
“I’ve never loved anyone like I’ve loved you, Jupiter. I want to hate you, I want to slap you, but I can’t because my love is still so much more than that,” she said.
Her words penetrated all of me. I knew she loved me—she proved it all the time—but I didn’t love her. Not in the way she loved me. I should have told her then; I should have walked away, but my selfish mind didn’t want that. It told me to stay, to fix things, make them all better so I could still get what I need, so that’s exactly what I did.
I didn’t lie when I told her I loved her because I did. I just never told her it wasn’t the same. “I love you, Mia,” I whispered into her neck.
She pulled her head away from me. “We can fix this, right?” Her eyes searched mine. They bounced back and forth and tried to read my mind.
I placed her face between my palms. “We can.” Tears were falling down my face, matching hers.
She nodded her head, then brushed her lips to mine. Just like that, everything was going to be okay. I did what I knew Mia needed. I kissed and caressed, told her I loved her, and apologized over and over. The fight was over.
The following week everything between me and Mia was back to our normal routine. We would fuck, take pills, and drink too much; then she would leave for work, and I would stay locked in a drugged daze while she was gone. Everything was falling back into place.
Friday rolled around and she wanted to go to Kip’s weekly party. I still hadn’t told her what happened with him. I didn’t want to. I was scared if I told her she wouldn’t believe me and think I invited it. I had already slept with James and admitted it. I didn’t want her to get any thoughts into her head about Kip and think I wanted him. She was too fragile, too broken already. I couldn’t lose her over something like Kip, so I reluctantly agreed to go to the party with her.
When we walked into the cabin, Mia immediately started to mingle. She glided around the room, dancing and talking with everyone. I just followed behind her, praying we wouldn’t run into Kip.
If I wasn’t already convinced god hated me, from all the bullshit he threw at me in life, I would have known for a fact in that moment that he did.
Kip sauntered up to Mia with a grimace on his face. I begged him with my eyes to not say anything and shook my head. Her back was turned, so luckily she didn’t see him or what happened next.
He nodded his head toward the same hallway he dragged me down, then turned on his heel and started walking while I followed. I followed to protect Mia’s heart, to make sure she wouldn’t leave me. I shouldn’t have, but I did.
Once we were standing in the dark hallway, he spoke to me in the most sinister voice. “You haven’t told her about our little…” He ran his finger over my collarbone. “Incident?” I shrank under his touch and shook my head.
“Why not, kitten?” He leaned his head down and moved in closer.
I squeezed my eyes shut and bit dow
n the insults I wanted to throw at him. “Because I don’t want her to leave me, and don’t call me kitten, you pig.”
He leaned his head back and laughed. “See, even she knows you’re a tease and was asking for it.” He moved his arm and planted it on the wall behind my head, framing me in. “And kittens have claws and are hard to tame, just like you. I’m going to break you, Jupiter,” he whispered in my ear. “You’re nothing but a small scared kitten begging to be domesticated.”
I ignored his comments. “What the fuck do you want, Kip? What will keep your mouth shut?” I hissed.
He moved his body back a fraction of an inch and eyed my body up and down. “Isn’t it obvious?” He moved back in close and licked my cheek like he did the last time I was in this position. “I want you, Jupiter, and you owe me for all of those pills you jacked from me,” he breathed.
I just nodded and tried to keep the tears that were threatening to fall back. “Fine,” I whispered, defeated.
He snapped his head away from me and stood back to his full height. “Go enjoy the party for a while. I’ll find you when I’m ready.” He gave me a threatening smile, then disappeared farther down the hall.
I shook my body. Kip’s words and him licking my cheek made me feel like there were snakes slithering all over me. I took a deep breath, then walked out of the hallway to find Mia.
She was in the same place I left her. When she turned and saw me, she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I guess that’s what happens when you hurt someone who loves you; they don’t look at you the same anymore.
I plastered on a fake smile and went to her side. “Had to go to the bathroom.”
She nodded and leaned into me. She opened her hand and revealed two yellow pills. I knew they weren’t from Kip because he’d been with me. They must have been from the stash at home. I grabbed one and swallowed it with a drink from her cup.
