by Cat Porter
I was going to have to deliver the most beautiful thing that had ever happened to me and my gnawed-on, bitter self on a silver platter to the club. Now that I finally had her—her whispers in my ear, her breath in my lungs, her tongue on my skin, her heart beating against my chest—I was going to have to let all that go, abandon my secret miracle. Yes, abandon her and stand back, watch and pretend I didn’t care. Abandon her like all the other men in her life. That’s how she would see it, and that killed me.
The blood drained from my head. I’d have to be the one to push her in front of the hurtling train and effectively re-connect her to her old life. Jump didn’t know about me and Grace, and I had to keep it that way. It was going to be up to me to make a move and quickly.
Christ, we were just starting to climb out of that ditch of the past together, and now I was going to have to let her drop right back in it and land in Butler’s fucking bed. Grace would figure it out eventually and despise me for it, wouldn’t she? I wouldn’t blame her one bit. I despised myself already.
My head sank against the door of our room, my hand tightened over the knob. This was it.
She noticed the change in me from the moment I walked back into the room. The light in her eyes dimmed, but she went with it, and I barreled on and got us on my bike. After we had finished a tense lunch where she needled me about my family history, and I somehow ended up telling her more than I had ever shared with anyone else, I finally got us back on the road. The less we talked the better, the less I looked into those fantastic eyes of her that constantly shifted in color from greenish-brown, to greenish-grey depending on her mood, the better. I pushed the bike into high gear, and my Harley surged forward. I held my breath for a split second.
There it was.
Her body slammed into mine. Her arms pressed tighter around me, but I had stopped myself from putting my hand over hers. She wasn’t mine anymore.
Certainly not after tonight.
Tonight.
I got up from my bare mattress, stripped off my clothes, and got in the shower. I pushed at the cold water faucet. Shocking icy needles of punishment rained down on me.
Tonight, Butler had been all over her from the minute he got to the club, but I could feel her eyes on me. I knew I was going to have to provide the incentive for her to be with him although my every instinct was screaming the very opposite. I had to do this for my club, and it killed me. I would have to stomp on what was precious to me.
Iris and her new friend had climbed all over me, and I let them. As the night wore on I saw that sting all across Grace’s face, and it ripped a hole in my chest. But later, when I heard her uninhibited laugh and saw her draped all over Butler, it screwed with my head. Butler was no Dig, maybe one day he had been, but no more. He didn’t deserve a woman like Grace. She didn’t belong in his arms, she belonged in mine. I sent over the cup of ice with the lemon. Yeah, she got the message.
When she suddenly took off inside the clubhouse, I tracked her inside like I was going in for a kill. I pinned her to the wall. Her gorgeous smell and the feel of her warm, soft skin under my hands did me in. Would this be the last time?
Nasty, vile shit spewed out of my mouth. What I really wanted to do was get her on my bike and put thousands of miles between us and the club. But I lost control. I didn’t regret making her come on my fingers and moan my name. That was beautiful and sheer, ugly torture all at the same time. But it was mine. I was glad she slapped me; I deserved it and more.
Under the shower I scrubbed this entire freakish night and Iris off my skin. I wiped at the mirror and stared at my murky reflection.
Feeling any better now?
I would never feel better. I knew that the moment I saw Grace reappear in the courtyard twenty minutes after I had assaulted her. She had taken on the look of a hard, glamorous woman with a purpose. She got drunk. She was the life of the party. Butler had her in his arms, the two of them laughing and whispering together like some sort of couple. The sight of them made me choke. Then they left together, and I knew.
Mission accomplished. Well done, soldier. Yeah, I’m a damn good soldier, aren’t I?
Icy cold fingers pressed tighter around my throat. I grabbed Iris, headed for my room and shoved her face down on my bed.
“You going to blow your load inside one of those skanks now?”
Grace’s voice ricocheted in my soul and dared me on. I lasted two minutes inside of Iris. Grace’s urgent moans and her sweet smell clung to me still, and I detested myself all over again for lying to her, for driving her away, hurting her, stealing from her, disappointing her.
I hated myself for once again wanting what I couldn’t have.
I kicked the wet towel out of my way and slammed my dresser drawers shut. I jammed my legs into clean jeans, stretched a fresh shirt over my head. Didn’t make a difference. Still felt dirty.
Got to get out of here.
Socks. Boots.
My hands shook. I reached for my jacket.
I couldn’t get air in my chest. Everything was covered in a haze.
Keys.
I threw open my door.
Bike.
Road.
“Want you with me, Sister. You say the word. I’ll come down and get you,” Butler said.
I adjusted my sunglasses at the sight of Butler on his bike, his one hand at Grace’s waist. It was the Grace and Butler show… the big goodbye.
I had ridden back into the club by twelve noon. Butler’s crew was packing up and getting on their bikes. The girls were collecting their empty coffee cups.
Bear jerked his chin at me. “Where you been, bro?”
“Out,” I muttered.
“Butler, I can’t make plans now,” Grace said. “I need to be here for Ruby. I’ll give you a call, though, and, if I can, I’ll get in my car and come right up.”
“I’ll come get you,” Butler said. “I’d drop everything for you. You know that.”
“Even the coke?” she asked. “I don’t want to ride with you high.”
Butler’s face tightened. “I only ride sober, babe. I ain’t a fool.”
Bear smirked at me and shook his head.
“I’m just worried about you.” Grace rubbed a hand over his chest. “I want you to stay alive.”
Yeah, yeah, blah blah blah.
“Oh really?” Butler grinned at her. “So I can give it to you regular?”
Shut the fuck up.
He pulled her body in closer to his and whispered some shit in her ear. She let out a small laugh.
I gritted my teeth. Bear handed me a cup of coffee, and I took a swallow.
Butler kissed her. His hand slid down and gave her ass a squeeze, and then he finally let go of her sweet body. “Call me the minute you’re free to fly,” he said.
He strapped on his helmet and aimed his gaze at her as he throttled the engine and toed the kickstand. The roar blasted in the crisp autumn air, and the rest of his boys started up their bikes. Butler finally led his men and their women off the One-Eyed Jacks property and onto the asphalt.
Good riddance, motherfucker.
Grace stood there until they were no longer in sight. My face felt stonier than the four presidents’ on nearby Mt. Rushmore. Jump came up next to me. Grace strode past us without a word, without a look. A faint smile crept across Jump’s lips.
The urge to puke overwhelmed me. My heart thudded in my chest. My insides were torn, bloody, gutted.
What the hell have we done?
Motherfudgemycake.
“Where we headed now, ladies?” Dawes tapped out a beat on the steering wheel of Alicia’s Grand Cherokee. Bear stretched his legs in the front seat.
“To Lenore’s Lace, hon,” Alicia said.
Dawes’s eyes lit up. “No problem.” He shifted the vehicle in gear and swiftly turned out of the hospital parking lot.
Alicia turned to me and gave me a wink. “I want to take you shopping. Since we’re out, why let the opportunity go wasted?”
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Alicia had brought me to the hospital with Bear and Dawes as our chaperones so I could visit Ruby. Jake was at the club with Mary Lynn and her kids and the rest of the guys.
“Shopping?” I asked. “I thought I was on lockdown?”
“It’s a boutique in Meager, two minutes from the club, and we’re riding with back-up,” Alicia said. “Sister, we worked hard putting together the bone marrow drive, and it did well. We deserve a treat. And I also think you deserve a few tasty bits to make your next time with Butler extra special.” Alicia clapped her hands together. “Oh, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you two hooked up. Long time coming. I’m really excited for you, hon.” She put her hand on my leg and leaned in closer to me. “He’s got a hole he just can’t fill. Frankly, I think you’re the only one who can do that for him. From what you’ve told me, you’ve been on your own a long time, too. I think it’s great that if you can get away, you take a few days and head up to North Dakota.”
I raised my eyebrows at her. “You lost me at tasty bits,” I said.
“Me too,” said Bear. Dawes glanced at him and shook with laughter
A grin curled Alicia’s lips. “Honey, when was the last time you spent money on yourself in the lingerie department, hmm?” she asked.
Actually, I had always enjoyed splurging on nice underthings for myself and had a number of choice pieces. But something told me not to let on, and not in front of Dawes and Bear for God’s sake. I only shrugged my shoulders at Alicia.
“That’s what I thought.” Alicia frowned at me. “We’re going to get you something fine, something steamy, something high class. I don’t think Butler’s had any high class tail since Caitlyn. He’s never going to let you go once I’m through with you.”
I wasn’t sure I liked the idea of Alicia having her way with me. I was older now, set in my ways, and I really wasn’t in the ‘let’s go shopping with my BFF’ sort of mood at the moment. Especially after seeing Ruby earlier. She had been paler, frailer, weaker, distracted.
“Don’t give me that face, Sister,” Alicia said. “You deserve some fun. Let me treat you.”
“Alicia, you don’t have to…”
“Stop!” Alicia flipped up a hand at me. “I want to.”
I sighed and sank back against my seat. Alicia was wrong. Only Butler could fill that hole inside himself, nobody and nothing else could do it. Living with my mother and Ruby had taught me that.
“Who’s Lenore?” I asked.
Dawes grinned and let out a heavy exhale.
“Forget that mall shit, Sister. Lenore’s stuff is top of the line,” said Alicia. She’s got the hottest boutique in three towns. It’s all high quality, and she designs it herself, and a lot of it is handmade. You and Butler both deserve it, and I’m going to make sure you get it.” Alicia let out a throaty laugh. “You’re going to get laid but good when you get up there!”
“Alicia, I already did,” I said. Little did she know it was hardly the stuff dreams were made of.
“Yes, but every man likes a show of appreciation. Trust me, we’re going to hear both of Butler’s heads explode all the way down here. Yours, too.”
Dawes’s head rolled back in laughter. Bear grinned as he fiddled with the radio.
Alicia leaned forward and tapped Dawes’s upper arm. “Am I not right, honey? You’re a man. Bear? Come on, you two… am I not right?”
“You’re a goddess!” Dawes said and threw me an amused glance in the rear view mirror.
“She knows what she’s talking about, Sister,” Bear said.
Alicia grinned. “Damn straight.”
“Speaking of which…” Bear said. “Last night Suzi finally let me…” He caught my frown and let out a deep, rumbling laugh. “Well, anyway… it finally fucking happened. Thanks to Alicia.”
“Really?” Alicia asked. “Excellent!”
Bear turned in his seat and grinned at her. He rubbed his chest like a self-satisfied gorilla.
“And did Suzi enjoy it?” I asked. “Whatever it was?”
“Fuck yeah,” said Bear.
“Sister, you don’t argue with the goddess,” Dawes said.
“Obviously not,” I said.
Alicia made Dawes and Bear stay in the car in front of the store much to their disappointment. I recognized the black hanging sign from when Lock and I had coffee at Erica’s. Lenore’s Lace was decorated like a gothic version of the inside of Jeannie’s bottle in I Dream of Jeannie. Violet, teal, fuchsia and mandarin orange swags of gossamer fabric flowed down from the walls. Large pieces of stained glass in the front window filled the interior with other worldly colored light. Moody synth music blended with wind chime elements floated through the boutique. A spicy earthy scent wafted through the air from an incense stick that glowed on a small table in the center of the room.
Lenore was a striking older woman with dyed blue-black hair, cat-lined brown eyes and colorful tattoos all over her chest and down her arms. Her gaze carefully scanned me up and down like a laser beam, and she smiled slowly. Alicia immediately made herself comfortable on a small lemon yellow sofa and explained to Lenore what I needed. Or what Alicia thought I needed. Thus, the quest began.
Lenore pulled tens of delectable pieces out for me to try on as Alicia sipped on green tea and either nodded her approval or made faces. Lenore outfitted me with a matching bra and panty set that was truly glorious. Delicate sheer black fabric with lilac swirls embroidered on the front of the panty and on each demi-bra cup. Lilac trim and elegant thin satiny straps finished off the pieces. The demi-bra made my girls look their irresistible finest, and the matching and very revealing sheer panty was cut high on my rear. I was impressed. Lenore and Alicia insisted on another set in a sexy midnight blue with a matching demi-bra decorated with beige embroidery along with a crotch-less panty this time.
“You’re going to love that panty, Grace,” Lenore said. “He definitely will.” She grinned at me over my shoulder as we both looked at my reflection in the mirror.
I relaxed eventually and allowed myself to enjoy the girl time, but my stomach took a dive every time I thought how it would be Butler’s hands and mouth ravishing these delights over my flesh and not Lock’s.
“Try this.” Lenore handed me a short stretchy slip nightie in a luscious plum color trimmed in black satin. I squeezed into the form-fitting fabric and modeled it for the women. Thank God for all my years of yoga and Pilates.
“That does wonders for your skin color,” Lenore murmured. The otherwise sheer slip had only a skimpy halter of satin covering my breasts. Lenore had paired it with a matching thong.
“Fantastic,” Alicia said.
Lenore also had kinky ensembles of course, but I refused to try them on. Alicia laughed at me. “Next time, you’re getting that black topless corset with all the straps.” I rolled my eyes at her.
Lenore’s workmanship was very fine, and her prices equally extraordinary. She wrapped each piece I had decided to take in lilac tissue paper and rang up the bill on her cash register. Alicia poked through a selection of vibrators and sex toys that lined a long shelf.
I nudged her with my elbow. “You can forget about it.”
Alicia smirked. “I’m looking for me, honey. I love this shit.” She held up a package of anal beads. “Ever tried these?”
My eyebrows snapped together. I shook my head at her.
“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Alicia said. “Now I know what I’m getting you for Christmas. You are going to thank me big time.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me, and we both burst out laughing.
“By the way, what did you convince Suzi into doing with Bear, anyhow?”
“Anal sex,” Alicia said. “Poor thing was so nervous about it. I get it… Bear is pretty big, from what I hear. But I explained what it was like, talked her through it. Oh, and I got her these really nice oils and a—”
I squeezed Alicia’s arm. “You are such a good den mother.”
Alicia grinned at me
as she dug in her purse. She absently handed Lenore a wad of cash. Lenore tapped on her register and handed her the change with the receipt.
“Thank you,” I said. “This was fun, Alicia. It’s really sweet of you.”
“I want you to be happy, Sister. You just got to be open to new opportunities.”
Would Alicia ever learn that copious amounts of sex would not cure all of life’s ills? Although, it does ease the pain temporarily.
Lenore handed me the purple, rectangular shopping bag with her name scripted in black over it. I took the thick ropy handles in my fingers. Alicia snapped her hand bag shut and beamed a tight smile at me.
A chill vibrated through my insides. I remembered that brittle smile. It was the one she always flashed while dishing out her primal Old Lady authority at the skanks who’d hang out at the club. But never to me, never before. Alicia and I had started out together, “reigned” together.
I know what this is.
This shopping trip was right off the club expense account for Operation Butler. Just another pretty lie cast like a fishnet over my chaotic emotions. This was Jump and Alicia’s attempt to prettify my having to lie to Butler in and out of bed in what they knew was my conflicted mind. The mind they were currently a little suspicious of, as well. Yes, this was Act Two of the coercion: a vanity splurge in the name of sisterhood and a second chance romance fantasy for lonely me and lonely Butler.
No way in hell was I going to wear this lingerie.
I flashed Alicia a smile right back, turned on my heel, and headed outside. Dawes and Bear glanced up at me. I flung open the door of the Cherokee and tossed the bag in the back seat.
My cell phone buzzed in my jeans. I tapped it open.
“Hey, Alex.”
“Grace—”
His voice dragged on my name and then abandoned it in the air. My blood froze. “Alex, what is it?”
He made a noise in the back of his throat. My chest constricted at the struggle in his voice.
“You need to come back to the hospital, Grace.”
“What’s going on?”
Alex let out a slight moan.
