“I got you,” she whispers.
A painful pleasure washes over me. My body convulses and I let go.
I am still shaking when Abby kisses my cheek. I tilt my head to the left so that I can see her. She is smiling.
“You good?” Abby asks.
“Um…wow.” I smile at her. “Never better.” I put hand on my forehead and chuckle. “I’m sure of it.”
She laughs and wraps herself around me. “Excellent.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“You can tell me anything,” Abby says.
“That was my first orgasm.”
Abby raises her eyebrows. “Are you being for real?”
“Yes.”
“Oh my gosh! What? How is that possible?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “But it was ah-mazing…thanks for that.”
“Mmm. Anytime.” Abby grins. “Honestly, anytime. Like anytime at all.”
I laugh again.
“Should we celebrate?” Abby asks. “I think this is cause for celebration.”
“This is perfect.”
“Yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“I feel honored.”
“Well.” I brush my thumb across her cheek. “You’re special.”
Abby blushes a little, but I pretend not to notice.
“Can I tell you a secret?” She asks.
“Absolutely.”
Abby exhales, rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Ugh.” She gives me a small smile of wonder. “I’m falling for you.”
My insides overflow. I want to say it back, but I don’t. It’s not time. I stare at her.
“It’s alright if you don’t…” Abby swallows. “It’s alright. But I needed you to know how it is for me.”
“Okay.” I fold her in my arms and she rests her head on my chest. “I understand.” I kiss Abby’s temple. For the next twenty-seven minutes until I have to go home, neither of us says anything. We lay there, naked, our bodies melded together. I cover Abby and Abby covers me. I feel as though I am already home.
I burrow my nose in Abby’s hair. My eyes close and I smell her. She is my favorite smell. And in my mind, I say what I want to say to her.
I’m falling for you, too.
Chapter Eighteen
I cry the whole drive back to my apartment. The roads, the traffic lights, the street lamps, the smattering of pedestrians outside, are all blurry. White-knuckled, I grip the steering wheel vehemently while another influx of agony engulfs me. I scrunch my face up and growl through my sobs. At every intersection, I want to turn the car around and return to Abby. I want to tell her that I feel the same way about her that she feels about me. I want Abby. But I can’t have her.
No. I CAN have her.
The thought startles me forcibly enough to make my entire body flinch. I want to be with Abby and she wants to be with me. I exhale, willing my breathing to regulate. “Abby and I can be together,” I mumble, tasting the words. And for an ephemeral moment, it is the sweetest flavor. Then reality sucks the air from my lungs because I know what I have to do next. I begin to weep again, but it is a different type of sorrow. It isn’t the sorrow of seconds before that comes from denying yourself of something you long for. It’s the sorrow that comes from understanding what you must let go of so that you can hold onto to the thing you long for most.
I don’t remember arriving at the building I live in nor do I remember parking in my designated spot, but I am here somehow. My hands drop from the wheel in front of me and I hold them to my face to conceal my blubbering. I shake my head. I can’t do this to Reese. I can’t leave her, not after I lashed out at her when I thought she was going to leave me. I can’t leave the life we’ve spent the past five years building together—for a woman I just met no less. She’ll hate me. And her parents…I’ll lose them too. My chest caves in, crushed by misery.
Only I don’t know if it’s worse to stay with Reese when I want to be with someone else.
I push my palms against my forehead. “Aargh! Damnit!”
Either way, I’m fucked. Either way, I’m a villain. Shit. Maybe I should at least try to be a righteous villain. Wait. Is that an oxymoron? Doesn’t matter. Staying with Reese is righteous.
Isn’t it?
I can be in a relationship with Reese. I can be sort of happy. I love Reese. I’m not in love with Reese, but I love her. Oh god. I’m not in love with my girlfriend. I am going to hurl. That’s okay though. We can totally co-exist. We’re partners. She takes care of me. She supports me. She cooks for me. Well, the food is subpar, but still. Reese loves me. We’ll manage. I mean, I’ve gone this long managing. But I didn’t know anything was missing in my world until I met Abby, and now I know, so in choosing Reese, I’ll have to carry on in an incomplete world. Can I do that? Would I feel the absence?
My mind wanders to Abby. My heart swells to capacity, elated by the images of her smile, her fingers braided with mine, and how all else falls away when her eyes are on me. My question has been answered.
Yes. I would feel the absence. The void would torment me.
I draw in a breath and stare into the rearview mirror. The eyes staring back at me are bloodshot…and brimming with resolve.
I step quietly inside the apartment that I share with Reese and close the door behind me. I turn to hang my bag on the back of the kitchen chair and Reese is there, staring at me from the seat across the table. She sets down the beer in her right hand. Her is expression is indiscernible.
I give her a tight lipped smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Reese tears at the label on the bottle with her thumbnail. “Did you have fun?”
“I did.” I put my bag on the counter instead. “How was your night?”
“Not bad.” Reese takes a long drink of her IPA, swallows and returns it to the table. “I’ve been thinking.”
That was going to be my line. “Oh, yeah? Me too.”
“Yeah?” Reese gestures to the chair I’m standing next to. “Have a seat.”
What is this? I say nothing, trepidation coursing through me. I steel myself, unzip my coat and sit. I place my hands in my lap and fidget with the buckle of the watch on my left wrist. I look to Reese’s unwavering brownish-black eyes. A thorny silence looms between us, above us, around us. Time moves how I suspect it would in a hell dimension—torturously slow.
“You go first.” Reese finally speaks.
“What? Me?”
“Yes, you.”
I nod. “Okay.” How do I do this? How do I break up with Reese? “Erm.” I weigh my words. “I…um.” My gaze lifts skywards, then back to Reese. “I’ve really been enjoying hanging out with Abby and…and I—”
“Wait!” Reese holds up her palm.
My brow wrinkles. “Huh? But there’s more.”
Reese shakes her head. “I have to go first. It’s imperative.”
Imperative? Are you fucking kidding me?! “Well, maybe what I have to say is…imperative also.”
“Please, Parks.”
Ugh! “Alright.”
“Thank you,” Reese says.
“Sure.”
“Listen, honey, I know you enjoy being with this woman. I can tell by your recent disposition. You’re all…extra cheery and shit, which got me reflecting…on our life together. Because I want for your happiness, and I get it now—what needs to be done for you to be happy.” Reese leans in over the table conspiratorially.
Whoa. Is she going to break up with me?
I watch Reese as she continues her spiel. “I had it wrong before.” She slaps the table animatedly. “It’s not about sex. I mean, yes, our relationship is lacking sex, but that’s cuz there’s something else lacking with what’s between you and me.”
YES! Exactly. She understands.
Reese stands up, palms flat against her chest. “I haven’t been romancing you. That’s our problem. See?”
No. I cannot see anything. Everything has gone dark. She doesn’t understand. I fe
el the blood drain from my face. Reese keeps talking. Her voice sounds far away.
“You and this girl,” Reese says. “You two keep going on these dates or what-have-you, and it makes you smile more.” She throws her hands in the air. “Then it dawned on me—that is how we should be spicing things up! We should be going out and doing things…as a couple. Together. Not with other people. And the sex will just happen on its own.” Reese’s arms fall at her sides. “Parks, I made a mistake. I’m sorry. You had it right all along. You and me aren’t tailored for an open relationship.” She delves into the front pocket of her jeans and pulls out a ring.
Chapter Nineteen
Elle gapes at me. “Reese proposed?”
“Yup.” I toss back a shot of tequila and shudder from its potency. I take a sip of Juice’s house cabernet to eliminate the aftertaste. Worst idea ever! My expression sours even more. I cough.
Elle claps me on the shoulder. “Dude, grossness. You don’t chase hard liquor with wine.”
I nod as I catch my breath. “Thanks.”
“Tell me you said ‘no’.”
“I told her I needed to think about it,” I explain. “I told her it was a lot, that it was confusing. Like first she wants an open relationship and then she wants to marry me. Why? It confounds me.”
“She asked you because she’s jealous of Abby,” Elle says.
“What?”
Elle sighs. “Reese probably felt that you were slipping away, which you were, and she resorted to drastic measures. She wants you for herself.” Elle guzzles the rest of her chardonnay. “She’s selfish. Sure, she can go out and fuck around but heaven forbid you meet someone then all bets are off. That’s selfish. Reese is selfish and I don’t care for her. Never have, never will.”
“I know.”
“I know you know.” Elle pushes her empty glass across the polished slab of wood in front of us, and raises her hand. “Jake, my boy,” she hollers to the bartender. Jake gives her a nod of acknowledgment and a winsome smile. “I’ll take another when you get a sec.” She turns to me. “How did Reese respond when you told her you needed time?”
“She was…displeased. She asked me what there was to think about, that we were together for five years and it should be a thoughtless decision. I spoke of my confusion and she said she understood and to think for as long as I wanted.” I give the cabernet another go and am grateful that it goes down smoother than before.
Elle frowns and shakes her head at me. “Parker, why didn’t you call me last night? Or this morning? I’m your best friend. Why am I just hearing about this now?”
I shrug. “I was tired. I told Reese I needed to sleep, she said okay. Then I set up camp in the parlor and slept on the sofa. I woke up when I heard her leave the apartment around noon. I went for a jog, showered, texted you. And that’s how we got to where we are.”
Elle looks at me meditatively. “Why did you sleep on the couch?”
“Because.” I answer a little too quickly.
Elle arches an eyebrow. “Because why?”
“I told Reese I had a migraine.”
“You don’t get migraines. Try again,” Elle says. “Why the couch?”
Jake approaches us, diverting Elle’s attention from me. Phew. I remind myself to tip him generously later. He replenishes Elle’s glass with white wine.
Elle grins. “Thanks, Jakey.”
Jake winks and disappears to the opposite end of the bar to serve another patron.
Elle takes a drink and holds up her index finger while she swallows. “Ah-ha! I got it!” She faces me. “You didn’t sleep in the bed with Reese because of your guilt complex…you did the deed with Abby, didn’t you?”
I give Elle my best expressionless stare. “I know not which deed you speak of.”
“Oh my god! You little shit!” Elle shoves me and I nearly fall from barstool. “Sorry,” she says. “You did! You totally had sex with Abby!”
The woman sitting to the right of Elle glances in our direction.
I cringe, scarlet suffusing my cheeks. “Shhh!”
Elle laughs. “You’re blushing. How was it? Be specific.”
“Elle, no.”
“Was it the most awesomest sex ever?”
I envision Abby’s perfect nakedness; my memory hears the sounds of her sensual moans. I purse my lips to keep from smiling. “Stop.”
Elle smirks. “Was it…orgasmically good?”
Though she is my closest friend, Elle is unaware that up until last night, I have never experienced an orgasm, and I want to keep it that way. “I’m begging you.”
“Alright. I’ll drop it.” Elle tilts her head, thoughtfully. “No, I lied. I can’t drop it yet.”
I roll my eyes. “Ugh.” I take a drink of wine.
“Did you guys eat each other out?”
I spit up my wine. I glare at Elle, my face flaming. “Duuude,” I chide. “Discretion.”
“Psht. You’re an adult. I’m adult. Discretion’s overrated.” Elle grabs my forearm. “It’s critical that you tell me.”
“Really? Why?”
“You once told me you’re not into that,” Elle says. “You went on and on about how it wasn’t ‘your thing’.”
“So?”
“So, if you’re into it with Abby, that’s monumental!”
I squint at Elle. “Is it?”
“Yes! Because it means you let yourself be completely vulnerable with Abby, which is not something you do with Reese.”
I shift in my stool, deflecting my eyes from Elle’s. I rest my arms on the bar in front of us and stare ahead at the bottles of shelved whiskey. Visions of Abby’s mouth pressed against a glass of bourbon, against my mouth, against my skin rock through me. My chest squeezes. I slump further into myself.
“Fucking hell, man!” Elle’s hands fly to the top of her head. “How did I not see this?”
“What?” I grumble.
“You want time to think about answering Reese because of Abby…your feelings for her.”
I look at Elle. “Yes.”
Elle’s hands fall, one lands on her leg, the other on my back. “Parker, do you want to be with Abby?”
“I do.”
“Does Abby want to be with you?” Elle asks.
“Yeah? I think.” I exhale. “She said she was falling for me.”
Elle gasps. “She did?”
“She did.”
“What was your reaction?”
“Nothing,” I say. “I was going to go home and break up with Reese and then I was going to ask Abby to be my…” I chug the rest of my cabernet to slow my whirling thoughts. “But Reese…Reese was there with the ring.” My eyes become wet. “And it was the wrong size and she said she’d get it fitted. She had this speech…how we’ve been together for five years and no one will ever take care of me the way she does and that we have to do this life together because we owe it to each other.” I blink and tears leak from beneath my lashes.
“Sweetie, no. You aren’t bound to her,” Elle says.
“Yes, I am. Reese is right. I’m indebted to her. I’m indebted to her family. They took me in. They accepted me. They’re my family, too,” I choke out. “If I leave her, what will her parents think of me? Where will I go? How will I pay all the bills? I depend on her…for like everything.”
“Those aren’t good enough reasons to stay. You don’t love Reese.”
“I do love Reese,” I say. “It’s just a different type of love than what I have for…” I take a napkin from the bar and dab my cheeks with it. I squash it in my fist. I sniffle. “I love Reese.”
“And I love you,” Elle says. “You’re not happy with Reese.”
“I’ll learn to be.”
“Parker, that’s settling. Don’t settle. You’re scared. That’s normal. I’ll help you.” Elle rubs the back of my hair. “You can crash at my pad. We’ll be roommates. It’ll be awesome. We’ll figure it out. You don’t have to be with Reese.”
“Elle.” I sha
ke my head. “I chose Reese five years ago. What kind of a person does it make me if I don’t choose her anymore?”
“The kind of person who’s true to themselves.”
“I’ve never been that person,” I say. “I thought I could be that person, but I was only deluding myself.”
Chapter Twenty
A ruthless, wintry, October wind stings my cheeks and I pull the collar of my coat closer to my skin. I stare at Abby’s front door. I won’t ever know if she puts a costume on for Halloween. I won’t ever see what snowflakes look like trapped in her loose curls. I won’t ever be able to try to make her birthday wishes come to fruition because I won’t ever know what she wishes for. And she will never know that I have wished upon stars for her. She will never know that I believe what she believes, that I feel the way she feels. She will never know that she has been the greatest event of my life and that saying goodbye to her will be the greatest regret of my life. She will never know that I was almost brave enough to be with her—she will only know that I wasn’t.
I grit my teeth as a mouthful of despair passes into my lungs and all my other vital organs. I rap my right knuckles three times against the door.
From inside the house, I hear Abby’s footsteps as she nears. Then the door opens in front of me. Abby’s lips are upturned into a surprised smile. The moonlight reflects in her eyes, giving them an added glitter. She is by far one of the most breathtaking sights I have ever witnessed. It hurts to look at her.
“Hey, you,” Abby says. “This is an unexpected visit.” Her grin broadens. “I approve.”
I don’t smile back. “Hi.” My voice quavers. “Yeah. Sorry. I should have called before.”
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