by Jaleta Clegg
I closed my eyes, rolling over, away from her. My power coiled inside beating at me, looking for an outlet. It was burning me up from the inside. I'd let it loose with Bei'sool and now I wasn't sure I could put it back.
Something soft patted my cheek. It felt almost like leaves, blowing from the trees, or rain. Or the tiny feet of some woodland creature. I opened my eyes, blurry with tears. The girl squatted next to me. Her hands hovered over my face, patting me. She saw my eyes open and stopped, her hand resting on my cheek. She moved one finger to my mouth. She pushed the corner up.
"Happy face," she said. "Mama says put on a happy face." She said it with a singsong voice. "Happy face," she repeated, smiling blankly. Her eyes rose from my face to the trees above us. She smiled vacantly. "Happy, happy, happy," she sang in a breathless whisper.
I drew in a long shuddering breath, finally establishing a somewhat shaky control. I pushed myself to my knees. Lanoni'lai was helping Bei'sool to his feet. There was a pack on the ground next to him. I looked past her, towards the valley. A dozen other people silently watched me with silvered eyes that gave nothing away. All of them wore packs. Some carried lengths of wood, as walking sticks or weapons, I couldn't begin to guess.
I got to my feet. The girl leaned against me, still singing softly about happy faces. I studied the people, the lost Hrissia'noru, wondering why they were there. Hadn't they just thrown me out? Were they here to drive me farther away?
"No," Lanoni'lai said tightly. I looked over at her. She held Bei'sool on his feet. He looked somewhat better. I flinched at the pain in his eyes and looked away.
"We are not here to drive you farther away," one of the men spoke. I could have named him if I'd wanted to. "Not in the way you think."
"Then why are you here?" I asked belligerently. I was in no mood for their guessing games or their aloofness.
"To protect ourselves, mostly," Lanoni'lai said. "We felt you, even through our shield. There is a reason we live together as we do. Alone, the madness comes and we destroy much. Together we can dampen it, keep it under control."
I felt cold, all the way through. "You think I can destroy the world?"
"All who have touched your mind believe so, yes," Lanoni'lai said. "Once forged, the link remains, even if it lies dormant. You will drive us all insane."
"What are you going to do to me?" I asked them.
"Happy face?" the girl asked in a forlorn voice.
"We are not going to kill you," one of the men said.
"We will take you where you wish to go," Lanoni'lai said. "You want off this planet? We'll see that you go and keep you sane until you are well gone."
"And let the madness come when I'm too far away to affect you." I saw the truth in their eyes. They hated me, hated what I was capable of doing. They were only acting to preserve themselves. I pulled my hurt and anger around myself like a cloak and stalked off, down the path. The girl clung to my hand and walked beside me, humming to herself.
The rest fell in behind me. I heard their feet on the rocks. I felt them in my mind, smothering me with a net of power. I felt trapped, mentally and physically.
I kept it up all afternoon, walking swiftly down the treacherous trail. I kept a distance between me and what I thought of as my keepers. I would have left them behind if I could have. The girl slowed me and the others showed no sign of letting me get too far from them.
The girl finally pulled me to a stop late in the afternoon. She tugged at my hand until I stopped to look at her. She drooped with weariness.
"Sleep?" she asked plaintively. "Eat?"
Fresh waves of guilt washed through me. I'd been so wrapped up in my own anger that I'd forgotten her needs. I was as selfish and thoughtless as the Hrissia'noru, maybe more so.
"The ship is just beyond," Lanoni'lai informed me coldly as she brushed past. Bei'sool still leaned on her. He wouldn't look at me.
I stood like an idiot while the others passed me. The girl tugged my hand.
"Cold," she whined. She pulled me, urging me to follow the others.
I didn't want to. I was ashamed of myself. They were angry with me and rightly so. I'd used them as much as they'd used me. I'd abused their hospitality, rejecting them and their offers of help. I was an idiot. I'd behaved worse than I'd accused them of behaving. I could blame my circumstances but it wouldn't change the fact of what I'd done. I'd almost killed Bei'sool, just for pointing out the facts of our situation to me. He understood and I didn't and I'd punished him for it.
"Food?" the girl asked, tugging at me again.
"You go," I said and pulled my hand free. I pushed her after the others.
She went two steps then halted. She looked at me uncertainly. Tears began to gather in her eyes.
"They'll feed you," I said harshly. The girl was better off without me. I deliberately ignored the fact that they would have left her to die outside of their valley if I hadn't interfered.
She took one more step away from me. She crouched down on the trail. Tears rolled down her face. She shook with soundless sobs. I hated myself more.
"Don't you understand?" I shouted at her. "I'm no good to anyone anymore. I'll just hurt you. Like I've hurt everyone else."
I wrapped my arms around the aching loneliness inside and backed away from the girl. I was better off alone. Everyone else was better off without me. I would leave, walk away into the wild mountains and hope to die soon.
The mental slap in my head hurt worse than anything I've ever experienced. I jerked back, caught by surprise.
"That's enough of that," Lanoni'lai said sharply. She reinforced her words with another mental slap.
"You don't want me," I whined, sounding like a spoiled child.
"Not until you can learn to damp your power. You're hurting all of us, constantly."
She came closer, pausing to stroke the girl's matted hair.
"We thought you'd learn, in the valley," Lanoni'lai continued. She talked softly, as if soothing an animal. She continued to stroke the girl's head. "The shield does more than protect us."
"You've said that before," I interrupted.
"You still don't understand. The records of the early days are full of stories of those driven mad by their powers. The shield is a necessity for us. It isn't a machine," she added. "I can see that in your mind. There is no projection unit. The shield comes from all of us who live there. Each person adds what they can to it and in return, all are protected. Alone, we go mad and destroy. Together, we can safeguard each other."
"Is that why you followed me? To protect me?"
"Partly," she answered. "We are supposed to escort you to the space port and see you off our world. If that is what you choose when we get there. On the way, we are supposed to help you learn our ways." She came closer, her hand out to me.
I stared down at her hand. She had calluses on her palms from the hard life they lived. Her nails were short, trimmed carefully. There was a rim of dirt under her thumbnail. I slowly lifted my own hands. I could feel the madness in my head. She offered to save me from it.
"I'm confused," I said, my hand hovering above hers, out of reach. "I didn't ask for this power. I didn't want any of this."
"I know. I read it in your memories. But it is in you. The power is part of who you are."
"I don't know who I am anymore."
"Then let me help you find out who you are."
I lowered my hand. Her fingers clasped mine, warm and strong. I felt a sense of peace creep into my mind. This time I didn't fight it. I let myself open to her. I felt the others, a net of safety and help and support unlike anything I'd experienced before.
I touched Bei'sool's emotions and drew back, ashamed of the way I'd used him. There was no condemnation in his touch, only acceptance and understanding. The others, though they did not approve of me, at least accepted that I existed and that I needed their help. They put aside personal prejudices, willing to do what was needed.
I pulled my hand away from Lanoni'lai, breaking the contact.
"I don't deserve this," I said harshly.
The contact was still there, weaker without the physical touching. They still supported me, wrapping my raw emotions in a muffling layer of peace. Tears stung my eyes.
"Deserving or not," Lanoni'lai said, "you need this. You'll drive the whole world mad if we don't help you. We're doing this as much for ourselves as for you."
"Eat?" the girl asked plaintively. She looked to Lanoni'lai.
"Soon," Lanoni'lai assured her. She still stroked the girl's tangled hair.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. It hurt to admit I needed help, lots of it. This wasn't something I could solve on my own. It hurt more to see the girl who had depended on me for her life turning to the people who would have let her die. Selfish as it was, that was the way I felt.
The girl turned back to me and grabbed my hand, tugging me towards her. I felt her in my mind, warm and small and needy. I let her pull me into a walk to the abandoned ship.
"Accept us," Lanoni'lai said as she fell into step with us. "You're still fighting us."
"I've spent my whole life fighting on my own," I answered. "No one offered me help before. I don't know how to accept it." It was honest, brutally so.
"That's a lie," Lanoni'lai said. "There have been many others who would have helped you but you pushed them away. You rejected their help."
I stiffened, offended by her harsh judgment.
"Look at more than your own hurts," Lanoni'lai continued, ignoring my outrage. "Look at the people around you. There have always been those who would have helped, if you'd ever allowed them to. Those who helped anyway you repaid with abuse and anger for interfering in your life. You've been thoroughly selfish your whole life."
"I thought you were offering to help me," I said, stung by her criticism. I was angry again. She had offered help. I'd accepted, hadn't I? Why was she condemning me this way?
"You have to see clearly," she answered my unspoken questions. "You have to see yourself as you truly are, not as you want to be. Consider it your first lesson."
She took the girl's hand and walked away from me. I stumbled after, her words burning in my mind. Was I really that self-deluded? I thought I saw clearly, I'd judged myself harsher than anyone. Until now.
Had I really pushed away anyone who would have helped me? Had I really made my own lonely life? Was I really that selfish and blind?
I had to answer yes. Everyone I thought I cared about, I had initially pushed away. Only their stubborn persistence had allowed me to finally, grudgingly, let them be part of my life. Even then I kept pushing them away. I justified it by telling myself I was afraid of being hurt. The truth was that I was selfish. I hadn't trusted any of them enough to let them see who I really was. Not even Tayvis. There was that inner part of me I'd held aloof. I hadn't let anyone see that far inside. I'd fought every attempt at true friendship.
I reached the door of the ship, open and inviting. Bright light spilled out onto the snow.
I looked in. They were setting up a camp, pulling out cold food to eat. I could start making amends, I told myself. I could show them how to use the ship's galley to at least heat up their cold food. I took a step inside.
They already knew how. I'd made assumptions about them. I felt very small and very worthless.
One of the men handed me a blanket as he shut the door behind me. Lanoni'lai handed me food. None of them said a word to me.
I choked the food down and curled up on the bunk farthest away from the others. I pulled the blanket over my head, wanting to just crawl away and hide. I was worthless, I was selfish, I was weak and always had been.
I felt his touch, mentally. Bei'sool offered me forgiveness and balm for my aching soul. I reached for it as for a lifeline. The emotions of the group wrapped around me, their thoughts slipping past my mind like fish in a river. I was accepted. I was part of the group. I opened my own thoughts and emotions, letting the self pity drain away.
This was where I belonged. And I would do everything I could to make up for the mistakes I'd made.
Chapter 34
Lowell sat in the little cafe. He rather enjoyed the early morning hours. It was peaceful, quiet, a very pleasant spot to think. He'd done a lot of that the last week. Viya Station was usually crowded and noisy during the day, but early morning, when the lights were dimmed and only the night shift workers made their sleepy way on their rounds, it was a different place.
Lowell had a lot of thinking to do. He'd received his latest batch of reports. There were many disquieting items from the few agents he still had. The official reports were next to useless, as usual. He wasn't sure how long the peace at Viya Station would last. One agent had reported, second and third hand, that fighting had broken out near the Sidyatha territory. Cygnus Sector, Lowell thought, sipping a cup of the steaming liquid the inhabitants of Viya Station seemed addicted to. The flavor was slightly sweet, slightly astringent.
Cygnus Sector was the last place Lowell would have suspected of fighting. The current governor was an iron fisted woman by the name of Illia Hesson. She was rumored to be fair and even handed to her citizens and absolutely ruthless to criminals. The one who would back her up in her decisions was Sector Chief Suella Querran, a long time acquaintance of Lowell's. She looked like someone's grandmother playing dressups in a Patrol uniform. Lowell knew better. Suella was every bit as ruthless as Illia Hesson. The two made a good team. Which was why the news unsettled him so badly.
Attacks in Cygnus Sector would not be tolerated. He leaned back, studying the artificial sky overhead. Stars, bits of tiny light, sparkled faintly between the projected branches of nonexistent trees. Could he believe the reports? He had never doubted this particular agent before. The man's observations were meticulously accurate.
Lowell steepled his fingers together and tapped his chin while he thought. There were pieces that just didn't fit. The rumors were that a Patrol Fleet had attacked three planets in Cygnus Sector, supposedly for treason against the Emperor. True, the planets in question had made contact with the Federation, but there was no indication they were planning to secede as so many other systems had. So why the attacks? The worlds that had blatantly defied the Empire to join the Federation had been allowed to go with a minimum of fuss and bluster. Why attack, with deadly force, just for thinking about doing something at least a hundred other worlds had already done?
He could think of nothing that made sense. The only theory that could possibly work was impossible. Someone wanted Cygnus Sector out of the Empire. The only way to accomplish that was to drive such a wedge between them and the rest of the Empire that leaving was the only possible option. Sending a Patrol Fleet, not under Suella Querran's command, to attack might do just that. Might, he added to himself with a grimace. Querran and Hesson were not easily manipulated. He'd tried before with minimal results. If he couldn't twist them to his purposes he doubted anyone else could.
"Admiral Lowell?"
He lowered his attention from the ceiling overhead. "Yes?" he said, curious about this interruption. It was still much too early for his usual escort back to Patrol territory.
The man was not young, his rank only one step below Lowell's assumed rank of Admiral. His name escaped Lowell at the moment. He blamed it on getting older and being preoccupied when they'd been introduced.
"Something odd, sir," the man said. "I thought you should be informed."
"You didn't send an ensign with a message for me?" Lowell asked, raising one eyebrow. Curious that the night shift commander would come personally.
"I didn't want to start rumors."
"Coming here won't start enough?"
"They think I'm inspecting a cargo ship that just docked," the man answered. "That isn't unusual. I don't like to be cooped up in my office the whole shift."
"So you slipped out to consult with me." Hector, that was the man's name, Hector Vidalis. "Why not go to your own commanding officer?"
"He doesn't like to be disturbed unless it's a
n emergency."
A waiter walked sleepily out from behind the counter to place a second mug in front of Hector. He offered a refill to Lowell. Lowell waved him away.
"So it isn't an emergency," Lowell said.
"You have a habit of sitting here when most people are still asleep. I didn't think you'd mind if I talked to you for a moment."
"And what if I did mind?"
Hector stiffened. "Sir, I came to you because you seem to be more open. Forgive my impudence in assuming that." He started to rise from his chair.
"I was merely asking. Sit back down and tell me what's bothering you."
"Are you really an admiral? You don't act like one."
"I do my best not to. Your something odd?" he reminded the other man.
"The scan officer alerted me to it," Hector paused to sip his drink. "Three ships entered the system an hour ago. They came in on a strange vector, a lot farther out than normal. We scanned them, as a matter of protocol, they might be pirates. We do get those occasionally."
"And?" Lowell prompted. He knew about the raiding activity in this sector. He also knew it wasn't pirates. It was organized crime based at Tebros, the syndicate that had moved in to take over territory vacated by the demise of both Targon and Blackthorne. He'd been too busy with other matters to try to stop them. Someone else was supposed to monitor the situation and keep things under control. Apparently whoever it was, wasn't very competent. Not that it mattered. Not now. There were bigger things to worry about.
"Their ship codes came back Patrol," Hector continued. "We figured it was just a routine sweep, except they didn't make contact. They haven't answered our hails. That was when I ran a check on their ship signatures." He hesitated, turning his mug in his hands, staring into the steam rising from it as if the answers were there.
Lowell waited, knowing he would talk when he was ready.
"I checked them five times," Hector said. "All three ships were decommissioned last year. Their beacons should have been destroyed."
Lowell digested the information in silence for a moment. "What are they doing now?"
