by Daya Daniels
“You know, nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks, anxiety, tremors stemming from the incident—stuff like that,” Dr. Gerard said passing Gabriel a business card.
Gabriel shook Dr. Gerard’s hand thanking him for his help. After Dr. Gerard left the office, I slipped out of the gown and back into my regular clothes. Gabriel sat quietly and then helped me to pull my jacket on.
“What did he just give you, Gabriel?” Gabriel sighed and reached into his pocket, passing me a card.
“Lily, he means well. He’s only trying to help,” Gabriel said.
It was a white business card with blue and black script on the front of it. It read, Dr. Janet Lin, MD., PhD, Psychiatrist.
I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me.
Gabriel touched my face lightly waking me up, holding a cup of freshly brewed coffee in his hand. I was surprised to see that he was still home. He usually left just before dawn each day to head out to the sawmill with Jacob.
“I want you to come with me today to work, Lily. So you can see what we do. Finish your coffee then get dressed.” Gabriel patted me on the hip before exiting the bedroom.
The air was crisp outside this morning. I took one deep breath and felt the burn in my nostrils. The sky was clear as the sun came up, streaking orange across the horizon. Rocco and Sable skylarked outside next to the truck for a moment before Gabriel shouted a command to them and they both hopped in the back seat of the truck. Gabriel brought along a fresh pot of coffee for the morning drive. He jumped in the truck bundled up in a thick brown coat and hat. He looked handsome in a very natural way, without trying. It was a forty-five-minute drive to the sawmill, which was approximately forty-two miles away from the ranch. The dogs slept the entire way.
I spotted a huge sign ahead when we arrived that read “Preston’s Timber: Wood Products, Retail and Wholesale; Rough Cut & Finished: Timbers, Planks, Boards, Posts, Poles and Rails.” The terrain for miles was flat and green and the mountains loomed in the background with their white peaks covered in snow. There were some buffalo off in the distance at the edge of a fence from the neighboring property.
He explained that the sawmill had been in the Preston family for thirty years overall, with a small gap in ownership when Gabriel’s grandfather sold it. Gabriel and Jacob had then purchased it back six years ago from the new owners.
“What does this place actually produce?” I asked him.
“Flooring, paneling, siding, fencing, furniture, doors, specialty wood materials, reclaimed wood. We do some custom woodwork and logging. Delivery and shipping out of state as well. Stuff like that,” he explained.
“The entire cabin up in Bitterroot I built the expansion using wood from here, most of it reclaimed,” he went on. “We only have seventeen employees here. There is one guy that has been here for thirty-six years! Jacob is in the process of hiring at least two or three more heads.”
He smiled. Jacob stood in the middle of the lot waiting to greet us, holding a mug in his hand. He looked tired.
“Good morning, Lily,” Jacob said with a small smile.
“This is amazing!” I said loudly to the two men.
Jacob huffed. “It’s not so amazing when you have to work here every day, Lily, believe me,” he said sarcastically. Gabriel grabbed my hand and led me through a huge warehouse that held thousands of lumber planks.
The floor was covered in about an inch and a half of sawdust which kicked up with every step we took. We walked up some steps ahead and Gabriel opened the door to a small office and gestured me to go inside ahead of him. It was a large room which held three desks and a small kitchen.
“So, this is where you come every day now?” I asked Gabriel.
He stretched and walked slowly towards his chair. I plopped down in the chair on the other side of the desk. Rocco and Sable settled together into a corner, still sleepy.
“Yep, but it won’t be for long. After about two or three months, when I’m officially finished sorting through some small management issues and smoothing out the operations of this place, I’m done,” Gabriel said with a sigh removing his hat.
“Come here,” he said.
I walked around to Gabriel’s seat and he grabbed me settling me into his lap comfortably in front of the desk. He clicked on the mouse on the pad in front of him and the home screen of his Apple desktop came to life. I laughed and Gabriel crooked his head to look at me.
“What?”
“I’ve never seen you use a computer before. It’s just a sight to behold,” I said jokingly.
Gabriel squeezed my knee and I giggled. “Just because you’ve never seen me use one, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to.”
“I know,” I said softly.
There were four logos on the home screen. One for Preston’s Timbers, another for Butte Copper Mining and another for GBP Coal Mining Operations.
“What are all these, Gabriel?”
“Companies,” he said, resting his finger on the screen pointing at the logos. “This one is for the timber company.
“This one is for the copper mining operation that we run out of Butte and the other is for the coal mining operations.
“There are four locations, all spread throughout Montana that fall under GBP Coal Mining. For the past five years, I haven’t been involved in the daily management of them.
“The management I entrusted to two really great guys who are fully qualified to run the mines. I am only involved overall in any major operational issues and monitor the financials. They are all still private companies.”
I leaned against Gabriel, feeling the soft fibers of his brown sweater.
“You said you built the cabin?” I asked.
“Yeah. I expanded it from its original structure,” he said pulling out some old black and white photos from his desk drawer and handing them to me.
Two of the photographs were brown at the edges from age. In one photograph, an old man stood in front of a one-room log cabin, holding a rifle. The next photograph, which was in color, there was a younger man standing in front of the same location with a dog and a young boy. There were animal skins that were hanging by hooks behind them. In the next photograph there was a young man. It was Gabriel I recognized with a tool belt around his waist, standing in front of what looked to be the same log cabin but it was slightly bigger. There were stacks of logs and pilings and tall pine trees in the background.
“The first picture is my great-grandfather standing in front of the cabin in the early 1900s. The second one is my dad and his father circa 1950s, and the last one is me. That one was taken in early 2000s,” he explained picking up each one. The photographs held so much history for one location.
“The cabin truly does look like a different place. What you’ve done with it is amazing,” I said proudly.
“Where did you learn construction?”
“My grandfather mainly but I went to school at CalTech for a few years and finished with an architectural engineering degree.”
“That’s quite an accomplishment,” I said admiring his accomplishment.
“Do you have any photographs?”
The awful thing about moving around time and time again like a nomad is that eventually you lose most of your possessions. Most of my treasured things were gone for good, except for my dreamcatcher.
“I used to but now I just have one of my parents but no baby pictures of myself or other family photos. After moving around so many times, things got lost,” I said folding my hands in my lap.
“We need to take some pictures of you. I have an old thirty-five-millimeter camera that I want you to have. I brought it with me,” he said giving me a big squeeze around my waist and a kiss on the forehead.
I listened to Gabriel’s breathing. It was soft in the silence of the bedroom. I quietly slipped out of bed to look out of the bay window and I could see the snow still falling lightly and some lights still lit along the driveway to Jacob and Abigail’s house across the ranch.
�
�What are you doing up?” Gabriel whispered, standing behind me.
I almost jumped out of my skin at his voice in the darkness. For a man as big as Gabriel, he moved light on his feet, especially when he was barefoot.
“Nothing. I couldn’t sleep. Weird dream mixed in with old memories. I’m not sure what you call that.”
“About what?” he asked running his hands through my hair, caressing my shoulder and moving close to stand behind me.
“My parents. The last day I saw them.”
He placed his warm arm across my chest leaning me into him. I grabbed his large hand and pressed it into the center of my chest. The winds whipped across the house outside taking the light white snow with it.
“It’s been so many years. I don’t know what I feel anymore when I think about them. Sometimes I feel sad, then other times I feel angry. I feel anger towards them, just towards everything.” I paused. “Isn’t that a horrible way to feel, Gabriel? And selfish of me?”
He didn’t respond.
“My life was never the same after they died. It only got worse. I still love them but I guess I resent them for leaving me sometimes.” I began to cry. “I still miss them both so much.”
He sat down on the floor, crossing his legs and resting me in between them.
“The universe has a way sometimes of putting a person through their paces. It can be hard for a long time until it just isn’t anymore.”
He kissed my forehead, turning me to look up at him. I wiped my face and sniffled. This man knew how to read me.
“I watched so many kids get adopted by good families, some older than me. Sometimes extended family came forward for them or teachers with other kids or even family friends—no one came for me.
“Miss Owen, the social worker they assigned to me, she had a daughter of her own. I know it’s not her responsibility but as much as she said she felt sorry for me and wished she could help, she never offered to take me in.
“I mean she was the one that placed me with these crazy families in the first place!
“I guess I began to hate her for it—for both reasons, you know.”
Gabriel nodded.
“Well, I plan to keep you, Lily,” he said giving me a handsome grin.
I smiled brushing my face against the soft cotton of his T-shirt.
“Did you think about giving Dr. Lin a call?” he asked.
I cringed and bit my lip considering. “Have you ever had something happen to you that you will never forget, Gabriel?”
“Yes, of course. But nothing that keeps me awake at night. I sleep quite peacefully.”
“Gabriel, if I call Dr. Lin, it will only confirm this has all driven me crazy, that I need help and that I’ll never be myself again. I can do this on my own.”
He leaned me back to sit in the scoop of his lap. It allowed me to admire how solid and cut his legs were.
“Lily, you’re not crazy,” Gabriel said.
“Maybe I am?” I teased, making googly eyes at him.
“Did you know what happened to me?”
He nodded without looking at me. I turned away from him and stared at the floor.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of,” he said, bringing his face closer to mine.
The winds outside seemed to be picking up and some of the porch furniture started to bang against the house.
“Lily, maybe think about just talking to Dr. Lin. It might help more than you think.”
I nodded, considering if I wanted to take the step. Gabriel lifted me from the floor and moved back into the bed, snuggling with me.
We left to go hunting right after lunch. Jacob invited himself along. My dad used to take me with him when I was little to shoot quail and ducks but I had no real hands-on experience hunting big game animals. Gabriel outfitted me in an orange hat and vest. He said that it was to make sure that I didn’t “get my ass capped,” as he said, by other hunters that might be in the area.
“What are we looking for today?” I asked.
Gabriel finished loading two Ruger Magnum rifles on the ground. “Moose, elk, deer. Any red meat,” he listed out.
Jacob chuckled at the joke.
“This will be our spot to wait,” Gabriel said, raising his index finger to test the direction of the wind.
Jacob leaned against a tree a few feet across from us looking out in the same direction. We waited for a little while until Jacob spotted three moose approximately fifty yards away. He signaled with his hand for us to move forward slowly. We trudged ahead, making our best attempt to be as quiet as possible.
Both Jacob and Gabriel stopped to observe the animals, steadied their rifles and shot. The sound was ear-splitting. Two of the moose collapsed awkwardly where they stood. The smaller moose darted off into the fir trees.
“Not bad, Bear. We’ve only been out here for a half an hour. I don’t know if I want to stay anyway.
“It’s fucking freezing,” Jacob said calmly.
We set off on a steady walk towards where the moose had fallen. As we got closer, I could see that one of the animals was still twitching. The other was stiff as a log. Its eyes were frozen open and there was a gaping hole in the side of its head where blood was trickling from. Gabriel rested his rifle on the ground and moved towards the moose that was still alive.
“Jacob, you took a head shot,” Gabriel said. “It’s still breathing.”
Gabriel pulled out a silver trailing-point knife and quickly slit its throat. The animal’s breathing slowed as it bled out into the white snow. Gabriel put the knife back into his side pocket and stood next to me.
“Are you okay, Lily?” he asked softly.
I didn’t answer, lost in thought. There was something unsettling about watching that moose die. The way it lay in the snow, stiff and almost frozen. I pushed away the awful images that were starting to appear in front of me like they would on an old View-Master. It reminded me of myself. Left in the snow, cold and alone to die. Gabriel softly held both sides of my face, forcing me to look directly into his brown eyes, bringing me back to the present.
“Lily,” he repeated. “Are you okay?”
I blinked, feeling uneasy. “Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”
Gabriel gave me a long hard stare and then looked away from me.
“We cut everything up where we kill it so this will only take a few minutes and then we’re done for today,” Gabriel said.
“What about me shooting something smaller today?” I asked.
“No,” Gabriel said sternly. “After this, we are leaving. I shouldn’t have brought you out here,” he said quietly under his breath.
Jacob and Gabriel got to work. Gabriel positioned the animal on its back. He then pulled out his knife and began to slice into the animal’s throat. The corded muscle of his arms flexed with the movement.
Blood flowed freely from the animal’s neck into its brown hair and then down into the snow. Gabriel then vigorously removed the head of the moose using a bone saw. The grating sound the saw made against the bone made my skin prickle. Gabriel’s hands were covered in blood and the spatter was covering his face and sections of his jacket. I was getting lightheaded watching Gabriel cut up the animal with ease. He then placed his knife against the backbone between the animal’s ribs and pushed the blade outward forcefully making a loud grunt. Using the saw again, he quickly halved the moose by sawing completely through it’s backbone and cutting it again into quarters.
After the moose was quartered, Gabriel then skinned it quickly, using his hands to forcefully pull and peel the tough skin away from its pink flesh. Then it was finished. It all took a matter of minutes from kill to cut. Gabriel walked over to where Jacob was to help with the smaller moose. He ran the same blood-soaked knife slowly across the animal’s belly. With that the stomach and intestines fell out. I swallowed back the excess saliva that was beginning to over saturate my mouth. Gabriel then opened up the chest cavity of the moose and using his bare hands removed the heart and lungs and remaining p
arts without much effort.
The meat which was beginning to cool off and some of the internal organs were quickly wrapped in cheesecloth. Jacob then slung one of the moose heads over his shoulder and a few of the quarters while Gabriel carried the rest. I picked up the remaining gear. They kept their rifles in hand and we set off on the short trek back towards the truck.
For a few nights during the past few weeks we’d been having dinner out at McGavy’s, one of the local restaurants, but this evening I decided to cook dinner. I’d prepared rack of lamb with fresh rosemary and wine jus and roasted potatoes. I poured myself a glass of red wine and put a beer next to Gabriel’s place setting. Gabriel sat across the table from me looking amusingly at the food in the plate in front of him.
“Lily, this is really nice of you. Thank you.” Gabriel took a bite. “It’s delicious.”
Gabriel was freshly showered and smelled of body wash and himself. All traces of moose blood and flesh now gone.
“I told you I can cook.” I smirked overly pleased with myself. “It’s the least I can do for you, Gabriel, honestly, “I said quietly.
Rocco and Sable slept a few feet from us, their bodies sprawled out side by side on the floor. I hadn’t asked Gabriel much about the work that he and Jacob were doing at the mill since I’d been there the week before.
“How are things at the sawmill moving?”
Gabriel continued to chew his food, looking bored at my chosen topic of conversation.
“It’s moving along according to schedule. There were some serious logistical problems that Jacob refused to tackle but I think he should have them under control in a few months,” he explained.
“The sawmill is Jacob’s to run. He has to get used to it. I agreed that he would be in charge of it because he’s good running the operation. He just needs to clear his head and focus on the business plan.” Gabriel paused.
“Lily, I don’t really want to talk about work too much. I’m not exactly over the moon to be down here and I don’t like having to leave you alone each day while I’m gone.
