by Felix Brooks
“If so, he’s doing a pretty shitty job in that area.” His heart felt like it had been through the spin cycle of a washing machine.
She handed him the ice cream container. “Look, maybe this is for the best. There’s only a few games left in the season. Once it’s over, things will get semi-back-to-normal for him, at least until the scouting trials. He just needs to relieve some of the pressure until then.”
“You hear what you’re saying, right? That I’m a source of pressure to him? Because that’s the exact message I’m getting from him. As his boyfriend, I’m supposed to be the harbor from the storm. And instead, I’m the storm.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No, but it’s true. I make Emmett’s life harder, not easier. I don’t see how we can have a future under those conditions.”
***
It was Saturday night, and instead of riding back to campus with the rest of the team, Emmett was in a television studio in Atlanta with Becca Madison, host of Ball Talk Tonight. He was in a charcoal gray designer suit, wearing a lavender shirt and purple tie. He’d known since he was a teenager that he was photogenic, so he was confident that he’d at least look good on camera.
During the break, the assistant handed him a bottle of water and led him to the table where Becca sat. He took a sip to wet his parched mouth, but no more. He didn’t want to find himself halfway through the interview desperately needing to pee.
Becca smiled at him. “Relax. It’s just you and me having a conversation, right? No gotchas. That’s not my style.”
“Okay.”
“And remember to smile,” she said, placing a hand on his, then sitting back as some guy wearing a headset started counting them out of the break.
“Welcome back. I’m Becca Madison here with Emmett Cross, star quarterback of the Coastal College Pirates. Emmett, there’s been a lot of speculation about your orientation since the BallerGab story, and I know you’d like to set the record straight.”
“Straight.” He grinned. “Funny you should use that word. Because up until two months ago, I identified as straight. I dated a woman for four years during high school and college. After we split, I had no desire to date anyone. Until one night, after a couple of drinks, I kissed a friend of mine. A male friend. And after some soul-searching, I realized I’m bisexual.”
“Yet in an interview with WSHT, you categorically denied being gay.”
“First, that was no interview, that was an ambush. Second, I definitively denied being gay, because definitively, I’m bisexual. I don’t identify as gay.”
“Gay is often used as an umbrella term—”
“Yes, and using it that way erases bisexuals and other people on the spectrum, who often have different issues from gay men. It’s a form of male privilege. And I know I’m more adamant about this than most people are, but I’m an English major—I believe in the power of words. When we equate LGBT with gay, we ignore the other colors of the rainbow. It’s time to stop doing that.”
“Understood. So the BallerGab story was true. You did kiss a guy in a gay bar.”
“This may surprise you, but I didn’t read the BallerGab story—so I don’t know whether it’s true. My father taught me early on that what other people think of me is none of my business, and I don’t read the things people write about me. My dad reads everything, so if there’s something I need to know about, he tells me. Otherwise, I ignore it. In the end, the only opinion of me that matters is mine.”
“That’s kind of arrogant to say, isn’t it?” Becca asked with a smile.
“I’m kind of an arrogant guy. But I work hard to live up to my own high opinion of myself.”
She nodded. “So you’re okay with the non-denial denial you gave to WSHT.”
“They call themselves The Shot, but I have another word for them. They broke the law to get a story, so I’m not ashamed that I wasn’t a hundred percent forthcoming with them.”
“Both the reporter and the cameraman pled guilty to misdemeanor trespassing and were supposedly disciplined by the network. But don’t you think you have a responsibility to be truthful to the press and the public?”
“Not when it comes to my personal life. I’m entitled to keep that private. Maybe we should establish right now that if reporters ask about my personal life, I’m going to lie about it.”
She grinned. “So you said you split with your long-time girlfriend. Are you seeing anyone now?”
“Absolutely. I’ve got a whole harem. Men and women. They can’t get enough of me.”
Her eyes widened, and for a moment, she didn’t speak.
“Becca, I just said that if you ask about my personal life, I’m going to lie. Try to keep up.”
She laughed, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I like you, Emmett, you keep me on my toes.”
“Glad to hear it. You know, it’s not that I don’t want to be honest. It’s that people will use things in my personal life to hurt not only me, but the people around me.”
He rubbed his hands together, then continued, “I’ve chosen to be in the public eye. But my family, the people I date…the shrapnel hits them, too, and they don’t choose the attention. I’ve had to make some hard decisions over the past few weeks. I’ve had hate directed at me, but I’ve also had a lot of love and support. I’m doing my best to show love, even when it comes at a personal cost. Because love is the only way to rise above hate.”
“What better sentiment to end an interview on. Thanks, Emmett, and best of luck to you.”
“Thanks, Becca.”
They went to break, and Emmett relaxed.
“You did great,” Becca said, but he wondered whether she was sincere, because the next moment the assistant ushered him away so they could bring in the next guest.
***
Jake closed his textbook and flopped onto the bed. Pathetic that he was alone studying on a Saturday night, but frankly, he didn’t have the energy to be with people right then.
The bed felt empty without Emmett in it. Not like Jake had never been through a breakup before, but not one where he was so attached. It didn’t help that he knew Emmett was still in love with him.
He understood that Emmett needed space, but Jake felt completely helpless. He loved Emmett with his whole heart. They could be together if only Emmett would stop running scared.
Jake picked up his phone and opened the Instagram app. Emmett’s face was all over his feed. Jake bolted upright when he saw a still of a video, showing Emmett with Becca Madison.
How did Jake not know about this? His damn boyfriend—okay, ex-boyfriend—had appeared on a national sports news show, and he had no idea? But it was the headline that made his heart pound: “Emmett Cross Comes Out.”
With fumbling fingers he pressed the play icon on the video. He watched with churning emotions. Emmett looked and sounded amazing—poised and sexy as hell. But the interview mentioned Jake only in the most cursory way, almost as if he wasn’t important to Emmett. Although he did talk about wanting to keep the people in his life out of the limelight.
Did he think that was what Jake wanted? While Jake hated the idea of strangers bothering him on the street, shoving a microphone in his face, it was a sacrifice he’d make to be with Emmett. He didn’t need Emmett’s protection. He needed Emmett.
He closed the app and pulled up the contact list on his phone. He texted Emmett, You came out!
A moment later came the reply, Guess I should’ve told you first, huh?
A weight fell away from Jake’s chest. His head was giddy and light. He texted, Can we talk?
I’m beat. Tomorrow?
Jake’s mood quickly sank, but he didn’t lose hope. Okay. Miss you.
You too. :)
The smiley face lifted his spirits a bit. Emmett wasn’t completely blowing him off. But he had a history of running hot and cold, so Jake didn’t let himself get too excited.
The fact was, Emmett’s emotions were all over the place. By keeping his distanc
e from Jake, he could convince himself that he was under control. But that was just an illusion. And Jake didn’t know what to do about it.
Jake was willing to give Emmett as much space as he needed. But he still wanted to be Emmett’s boyfriend. Why did that part have to change? If a date once a week was as much as Emmett could handle, Jake was down for that.
Maybe they got too serious too fast, and the intensity overwhelmed Emmett. It wasn’t like Jake was pushing it. Emmett was as into the relationship as Jake.
He kept going over their history together in his mind, examining every moment to see if he went wrong somewhere. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what he did. And that was what hurt more than anything. If he’d done something wrong, he could apologize. If he’d made a mistake, he could fix it.
But none of that had happened. The media closed in, Emmett got nervous, and that was the end of that.
It seemed unfair. Jake had been good to Emmett. He deserved better than this.
He went into the communal bathroom and brushed his teeth. Back in his dorm room, he turned off the light and slid under the covers. The faint scent of Emmett still lingered in the pillows.
He had to accept that things might never get better with Emmett. During this transition, he might not be capable of a long-term commitment. Jake pulled the blanket over his head at the thought. He didn’t want it to be that way—didn’t want to be reasonable and give Emmett the space to say no.
In the end, though, it wasn’t Jake’s call. Emmett had the final say. No matter how mixed up Emmett’s reasons might be, he had the right to break Jake’s heart.
But Jake wouldn’t think about that. He hugged the pillow and concentrated on seeing Emmett the next day.
Chapter 17
Sunday, Jake tried to study, but waiting for Emmett to get in from his early-morning flight was slowly driving him crazy. Emmett texted when he landed, and it wasn’t a long drive from Wilmington. Any minute, any minute, any minute… The constant refrain in his head wouldn’t let Jake be.
At the sound of Emmett’s knock, Jake rushed forward to let him in. Emmett closed the door behind him, and Jake launched himself at him. Emmett’s arms encircled him, and Jake pulled him in for a kiss. Emmett’s body went soft for a moment, then pulled away.
“Jake, we need to talk.”
Jake’s shoulders slumped. “That doesn’t sound promising.”
“Things are complicated right now. I’m hoping that by coming out, it’ll take some of the attention away from me. But it could have just the opposite effect. I’ve already been targeted by a hate group. I had a security detail following me around for five days. It’s not safe for us to be together.”
Jake’s heart was pounding. He couldn’t argue with Emmett’s logic. But everything in his heart was telling him that this was wrong. He and Emmett belonged together. If the world didn’t like it, then the world would have to adjust.
“We can’t let the haters win.”
“And how are we going to stop them? Homosexuality has been denounced in Western civilization since Christianity became the religion of the Roman Empire. You think you and I can overcome seventeen hundred years of history? The struggle for LGBT rights has made a lot of progress in the past few decades, but this battle isn’t over. It’ll be decades more before we see full equality, if ever. Jake, I admire your optimism and idealism. You give me hope. But I’ve got to be realistic here. It’s dangerous for us to be together, and I’m not going to do that to you.”
“And I don’t even get a say? You’re breaking up with me for my own good, and I just have to endure it?”
“Try to understand—”
“I understand that you’re a coward. That you’re not willing to take a chance on us. If you loved me the way I love you, you wouldn’t let anything keep us apart.”
“Jake, I do love you. That’s why I want to protect you.”
Jake shook his head, trembling inside. Tears overran the rims of his eyes, and he didn’t try to stop them. He was defeated. He’d put everything he had into the relationship, and it wasn’t enough.
“I never meant to hurt you,” Emmett said.
“Save it.” Jake couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice. “You’ve been jerking me around ever since we started this. You never spent any time thinking about how your actions affected me. You’ve been at the center of this relationship and I’ve been orbiting around you. I thought you were worth it—but you’ve been nothing but heartache for me since the first time we kissed. So don’t stand there and talk to me about what your intentions were. You weren’t thinking about me.”
“I think about you constantly!”
Jake paced to relieve the nervous energy. “You see yourself as some Shakespearean hero, and I’m a secondary character. Your tragic flaw is that you can’t love anyone else as much as you love yourself. In my story, the one where I’m the hero? You’re the villain. You’re slowly destroying me, whether it’s intentional or not. And I won’t do this again. This is your last chance. I’m begging you, Emmett, don’t throw away what we have. I’ve dated enough guys to know that this is special. If you end this now, you’ll regret it. But next time, I won’t take you back. You can’t be the center of my universe if I’m not the center of yours.”
“You are the center of my universe. If you or someone in your family got hurt because of me, I couldn’t live with myself. This isn’t what I want, Jake. But it’s the way things have to be.”
Jake stood with his arms crossed, body aching, his gaze glued to the floor. He was sick of talking, sick of trying to get through to this man. It was taking too much out of him. He sympathized with Emmett’s situation, but he couldn’t keep waiting in the wings while Emmett figured out what path he wanted to take. Jake had his own life to lead, and Emmett was an impediment.
“Go, then,” Jake said. “You’ve obviously got it all figured out. Nothing I say matters, and I won’t keep wasting my breath.”
“Please don’t hate me.”
“You don’t get to decide that.”
“I’m doing this because I care about you.”
“If you cared about me, you’d consult me. We’d find a way to work through it together. Instead, you keep making the decisions, like I’m some puppet. I won’t be treated that way. Either treat me as an equal, or go and don’t come back.”
Emmett shuffled his feet a moment. He finally said, “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“I’ll always love you.”
Jake let out a bitter laugh. “I know you will. You’ll regret this moment for the rest of your life. And yet you’re still leaving.”
“It’s the right thing to do.”
“Goodbye, Emmett.”
Emmett shook his head and slinked out the door, closing it behind him. Jake slumped to the floor and wept.
***
Emmett sat on the floor of Waseem’s room, arms around his knees, holding them to his chest. “I did what I had to do.”
“I’m sure you believe that.”
“I can’t put Jake’s family in danger.”
“Did you even discuss that with him? Or did you break up without talking to him about it?”
“What’s there to talk about?”
Waseem scoffed. “Your future together? Whether to let one bump in the road stand in the way of that?”
“If somebody gets hurt, that’s not a bump in the road.”
“You really do think the world revolves around you.”
“Of course not.”
Waseem paced. “In a week or two, this story will be forgotten. Maybe people will remember it again around the time of the draft. But honestly, people have more important things to think about than who Emmett Cross is sleeping with. And instead of just waiting it out, you break up with the guy.”
“I can’t concentrate on football if I’m worrying about the safety of Jake’s family.”
“Oh, this is all about football. Why didn’t you just say so?
”
Emmett chewed the inside of his cheek. “That’s not fair.”
“Don’t talk to me about fair. Jake loves you, he’s given you more support than you deserve, and you just broke his heart.”
“It had to be done.”
Waseem picked up a stress ball from his desk and tossed it into the air a few times. “Keep telling yourself that. Keep putting football ahead of the people in your life, and see how long they stick around.”
“I did not put football ahead of Jake!”
“You could’ve removed yourself as a potential draft pick to protect Jake’s family. Announced that pro football isn’t worth the personal cost. That never occurred to you, did it?”
Emmett’s head spun. Waseem was right. But could he really be expected to give up something he’d worked for, something he’d dreamed of since he was fourteen? “You really think it’s right for me to quit football because I’m bisexual?”
“Of course not. But I don’t think it was right for you to break up with Jake, either. They’re both permanent solutions to a temporary problem.”
Emmett’s stomach growled. “I’m starved. Wanna get some lunch?”
“Sorry. I’m having lunch with Jake.”
“You’re choosing Jake over me now?”
Waseem looked up at the ceiling and shook his head. “You’re the one forcing me to choose. I can’t have lunch with both of you.”
Emmett stood and brushed off his jeans. “This sucks, man.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“I thought you had my back.”
“I do,” Waseem said. “That’s why I’m telling you you’re being a dick right now.”
“Whatever.” Emmett walked out the door, anger and hurt mixing in his chest. He’d always thought Waseem would be on his side.
He walked across the quad under a gray sky, grass crunching, brown leaves blowing in the wind. He stepped into the frat house with determination rushing through his veins. A win on Saturday would secure the Pirates a place in the division championship game in Raleigh on New Year’s Day. He would put all his energy into that.
