“Your mother?” Ashleigh’s mouth dropped open. “Why?”
Sam turned to pace the room. “Evidently she was concerned for my welfare when she received news of the Lusitania.” He looked to Ashleigh, bitterness a sour taste. “Or so she says. It seems she was only trying to find an excuse to win over Father.”
Ashleigh released a slow breath and shook her head. “What a shock. I’m so sorry, Sam.” She approached him, her touch stopping his movement. “Is there something else?”
He drew in a shaky breath at her touch, trying to fight against the doubt nudging a kink wider. “I need to see Father. I plan to leave this afternoon.”
His gaze flickered to hers and away. Silence deepened the uncertainty.
“What else is wrong, Sam?”
Her sweet voice pierced his conscience. He slid his gaze to hers and attempted a shrug. “Conversations with Catherine haven’t been pleasant lately, that’s all. She had a lot of things to say I didn’t like hearing.”
Her brows rose, but she didn’t step back, only lowered her hands to his chest. “You’d best get it out in the open so we can disperse all doubt, or it will be between us. And I don’t want anything between us.”
Her words pricked at his concern, gaze focused on hers. “Neither do I. Ever.” He tried to curb his doubt with a caress to her cheek. “Catherine seems to think she knows why Michael left you – even the reason for your private discussion aboard the Lusitania.”
Ashleigh’s breath caught. Her face paled. “What?”
Her reaction fueled his apprehension. “She talked about certain…instances in your past that…influenced Michael’s decisions.” Heat rose into his face. “Instances of an extremely intimate nature.”
She stumbled back from his touch and balanced her hand against a nearby chair. “How did she know?” Ashleigh’s whispered word secured the worst truth.
Catherine hadn’t been lying.
He shook his head to clear it of the vision his brain immediately concocted of her and Michael together…intimately. It couldn’t be true. Not Ashleigh. “It can’t be true.” The words wrenched from him. He paused, trying to sort it out. “That you’ve been…In your past you’ve…you’re…”
“Not as pure as a woman should be for her husband?”
Her declaration hit him like a fist. “It’s true?” He slammed his palm against his chest and retreated another step. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sorrow so tangible he could feel it in his heart softened her gaze. A jagged veil of self-control kept him from trying to comfort her as he always had. How could he move beyond this? Michael was here. Alive. And she’d been with him.
“I was trying to find the courage. I should have, but it’s not an easy conversation.”
“I can imagine.” His jaw worked, tightened. Catherine’s phrase burned into his conscience. She might be a better pretender than me. Fooled by Ashleigh too? It can’t be. “Did you plan to tell me before…before it was too late? Before I’d have a chance to choose whether I wanted those visions in my mind at night with you or not?”
She winced at his words and an added slice of pain coursed through him. He hurt for her, he hurt for him…he ached for them, and the future he couldn’t even see anymore. It was too much to process at once. Too much to try and sort out between his mind and his heart.
Her lips wobbled, steadied, and the China doll emerged. “No one should have those visions in their heads. I would have told you.”
The bond between them weakened with the light in her eyes, and a fire of anger burst through his veins. His emotions had been stretched from one side of the Atlantic to the other, by two sisters? Who could he trust right now? One lied to him so he’d stay with her, the other kept the truth from him for the same reason? Two sides of the same coin-- and both proving he was an idiot.
The doubt in his gaze seared worse than his words. He’d never doubted her. The link between them split wide a knee-weakening wound. She gripped the nearby chair. “I’m sorry you found out this way.”
“I’m not sure there is an easy way.” His gaze found hers, intense, almost…angry? Oh yes, blue steel. She’d lost him. Tears burned for release, but she kept a paper-hold on them. “Wait, is that what you meant by your home being a houseful of actors? Everyone pretending?”
Her spine stiffened. “I never pretended.”
“Are you sure about that? You always seemed so innocent and pure.”
Her sigh made a jagged release as she kept her gaze from the betrayal in his eyes. A hollow cavern of need and hurt opened wide in her soul. “I tried to tell you in the garden, but you’d learned of Kara’s past and—”
“So that’s why you took her on? To justify your past?”
Her gaze shot to his, fury and pain lighting a fuse. “I don’t have to justify my past to you, Sam. It’s beyond words for justification. You have no idea.” Her voice broke on the words and she took a deep breath to continue. “But I do believe in second chances and…forgiveness.” The admission rocked her spirit with acute truth.
“You just admitted to it and you’re implying that I’m being harsh? Friends share secrets with each other, Ashleigh, especially when marriage might have been in the future.”
His statement closed off her last sliver of hope. Words, feelings, emotions all crashed together with the same massive loss as watching the Lusitania sink beneath the waves. “I have never lied or misled you. I only hoped for more understanding from you, as my friend.”
“More understanding?” He shoved a hand through his hair then slammed that palm against the wall. “I can’t understand it, Ashleigh.” His gaze scoured her. “You led me to believe… I thought…”
“I’m sorry, Sam. You’ve made your judgments.” She drew in a quivering breath, the tears breaking through her resolve, as Sam’s love had done. “And I am found wanting.”
He stiffened, his expression twisted with an inward struggle. If his soul ached anything like hers, if their friendship had meant anything to him, then his pride and his heart battled a fierce operation. His love wasn’t enough to overlook what her father broke apart. How could she have been so blind to believe it possible?
“I can’t stay here.” His words caught and he moved toward the door, stumbling. “Catherine tried to emotionally manipulate me, but I never thought you would stoop to such a level.” He had the decency to look sorry for his previous statement, but continued to back away, palms raised. “I don’t know what to do about this. I can’t even think straight. It’s changed everything. ”
Tears rushed warm down her face, unchecked. Every piece of her well-honed protection shattered from his rejection. Hope’s fragile thread sliced free. “Yes, it has. I’m so sorry, it has.”
He stumbled into the doorway, bracing a hand to the frame, his expression faltering between hard and helpless. “My father needs me.” He swallowed, a sheen of moisture glistening in his gaze. “And I can’t… I don’t know…”
“Godspeed, Sam.” She would say it so he wouldn’t have to. Good-bye. Farewell. As you take my heart with you.
His gaze locked with hers, time froze a picture, neither able to change the truth wedged between them. “Ash?”
His jaw pinched tight and he rushed from the room, the door slamming behind him. Her knees buckled. She collapsed to the floor, covering her face and crying out for an answer. God, where are you?
Chapter Twenty-four
“Whoa there, friend.” Jessica stilled Ashleigh’s arm as she jerked some scissors from her surgical tray. “Do you want to talk about which Hun you’re fighting today?”
Ashleigh sighed in frustration. Nursing added a welcome distraction for the last forty-eight hours where she hid her pain in helping others. The distraction worked in the past, all through her training and even in the care of her father, but now – it wasn’t enough. Once the tears started, they broke free. Keeping away from Fanny’s watchful gaze proved beneficial, but working alongside Jessica made pretense impossible.
She couldn’t maintain the façade.
“I’m tired. It’s been a long two days.”
Jessica pried the scissors from Ashleigh’s hands and then pointed them at her. “Well, if you work through breaks and rarely sleep, Nurse Ashleigh, it’s a common physical side effect.”
Ashleigh stared at a scalpel newly washed, unable to reply.
“Right.” Jess’ lips pierced closed and she nodded, the scissors tapping against the surgical tray in an annoying rhythm. Thankfully, she tossed them down and grabbed Ashleigh by the arm, nearly dragging her from the room.
“I have surgery in fifteen minutes, Jessica.”
“All the more reason to share your troubling thoughts before you remove some poor man’s wrong leg.”
Ashleigh looked at her, horrified.
‘Oh, good. I got your attention.” Jess’s cocky grin bloomed. “And distracted you.” She pushed Ashleigh into the storage closet across from surgery, and slammed the door behind them.
“Are you senseless?”
“We’ve already established my mental health issues.” Jess flipped on the dim electric light and crossed her arms over her chest. “Now it’s time to talk about yours.”
Ashleigh tried to push past her, but Jessica blocked her way. “Nope, I won’t let you wallow in your own trouble without healthy redirection. You’re not getting out of this closet until you share. I’m only here for four more days, Ash. It’s more than missing Sam.” Her gaze softened. “Let me help carry this burden with you.”
Jessica’s open arms broke Ashleigh’s tenuous hold on her tears. Ashleigh walked into her hug and held tight, shaking with a fresh wave of deep sobs.
As weeping subsided, Ashleigh heard Jessica’s whispered words. A prayer.
“Dear heavenly Father, I don’t know what weight presses upon my friend, but I am certain of your love for her.”
Abide with Me. The still, soft voice reminded her and a sudden realization saturated Jessica’s uniform with more tears. Ashleigh wasn’t sure if she’d expected lights from Heaven or a crash of thunder to prove God was with her, but in the subtle sweetness of Jessica’s care, she felt Him. As real and warm as the arms holding her, His presence pushed against the hurt and fear, until it consumed her with blinding truth.
I am with you.
His words from a childhood memory poured like salve over her wounds, filling them with a mixture of assurance and peace. Jessica’s hands suddenly became the hands of God, bringing comfort. Was that how He worked? People throughout her life showing His fingerprints?
Grandmama’s continual wisdom and peace. Fanny’s guidance and convicting nudge to make her see beyond her pain? Jessica’s friendship? Michael’s reformation?
Tears of hope and gratitude mingled with the harsh sting of loss. Ashleigh took a deep breath and stepped back, and through her broken voice she told Jessica what had happened, her entire past.
Jessica ran a hand across her face and released pent up air. “Oh, Ash.” She shook her head and pulled Ashleigh back into her arms. “I am so sorry.”
Ashleigh nodded against Jessica’s shoulder. “I never prepared myself for the hurt.” A sob shuddered over her shoulders. “Or the loss.”
“It’s betrayal.” Jessica bit down on the words, teeth clenched and brows pinched. “I just can’t believe Sam responded this way.”
“Can you imagine the images in his head?” Ashleigh cringed and pressed a palm to her queasy stomach. “Oh, what he must have thought of me! The look in his eyes—”
“Something feels wrong about his response, though.” Jessica raised a palm. “Are you certain Sam knew about all this? He may be hard-headed, but he isn’t unreasonable or compassionless.”
“This goes well beyond his head. I’ve broken his heart.” Ashleigh’s voice hitched again and she wiped at a new rain of tears.
Jessica shook her golden head again and grimaced. “Even if it made him cringe, your friendship alone should have shook out some comfort. He can’t be as heartless as that. No one could see this as your fault, especially him. Something isn’t right here.”
“What do you mean? He spoke of my past. And the look on his face showed utter mistrust. He spoke of Father—” Ashleigh stopped, gaze darting to Jess’. “He never mentioned Father, but it was implied.”
Jessica’s lifted brow contested her diagnosis of the problem.
Ashleigh stepped back, replaying the conversation in her mind. “To what else could he have referred? It is the only logical answer.”
Jessica’s expression turned pointed. “Ashleigh, we’re talking about a man here. Logic has very little to do with it.”
Ashleigh almost smiled. “I have no doubt of Sam’s manhood.” A fresh rush of warmth at the thought of his kiss nearly choked her words. “But who could stomach the picture I presented to him? I cannot blame him for his reaction, I hoped for something different.”
“You’re being much too nice to him.” Jessica crossed her arms again, eyes narrowing. “Don’t you dare take responsibility for his reaction. Your father’s choices were sick. Sam’s decision was wrong, and you are not a victim unless you choose to act like one.” She sighed and raised a pointed finger. “Let’s find some answers once and for all.”
Jessica’s words, no, more like commands, brought strength to Ashleigh’s spine and a little lift to her smile.
“We need to discover exactly what Sam knew so I can decide whether to perform a lobotomy on him or not.”
Ashleigh shook her head but welcomed the smile. “I think that might be a bit extreme.”
Jessica waved away her words. “You’re right. His behavior is indicative of a previous lobotomy, poor man.” Jess’s gaze shot Ashleigh a challenge. “There’s only one other person in England who knows what happened in that conversation.”
“Catherine.”
Jess’ lips pinched and she tucked her chin in a nod. “I think you and I just switched our break times. I’ll take the surgery. You take Catherine.” She opened the closet door and stepped out, tossing a look over her shoulder. “Needless to say, my work will probably be less painful and more productive than yours.”
Catherine sat in the garden, her gown the oriental style and embroidered in purple and gold. She appeared as an exotic and intriguing fixture among the rainbow foliage of summer, almost approachable and sweet, but Ashleigh knew the truth. Every conversation and scene of their relationship for the past fifteen years was tinged with the heat of Catherine’s hatred. It was a disease without etiology. A wound with no cause.
Or no known cause.
Catherine looked up from her musings, the cloud-cloaked sunlight highlighting her pale face. She didn’t look well, but her feline smile curled for battle nonetheless.
“So you’ve come for a visit, sister dear?”
Ashleigh had wondered if Catherine guarded the same hideous secret, too afraid Catherine might one day turn her knowledge into a weapon. As she had. Instead of weakening her resolve with shame, the thought fueled new energy and defense. Fanny’s words clicked into place. It was time to reclaim one part of her future. Herself.
“We need to talk.”
A faux look of surprise dawned on her face, eyes glittering. “Our discussion wouldn’t have anything to do with Sam’s stealthy escape from our home yesterday morning, would it?” She rested her chin in her hand on the decorative table in front of her, adding another flutter of eyelashes.
“I have only come for answers, not an argument.” Ashleigh’s hands clamped in front of her and a firm fire of determination forged each step closer. “What exactly did you share with Sam?”
Catherine leaned against the bench and rested an arm leisurely along the back of it. The very portrait of a modern woman, without the popular bobbed hair. Her broad brimmed white hat in stark contrast to her raven hair tilted at a fashionable angle and shadowed the right part of her face. A smirk surfaced in that shadow. “You’re always spouting off about my need to be honest and forthright. To shun de
ception.” She ran a finger down the right side brim of her hat. “I was merely following your moral platitudes. I would think you’d be proud of me.”
Heat curled a fiery tangle in her stomach. “Since you’re suddenly on a path towards righteousness, let us clear the air, shall we? Why do you hate me so much?”
“Honesty? Is that what you really want?” Catherine laughed and stood, slow and deliberately, her gaze never leaving Ashleigh’s. “You’re a clever girl, I’m certain you can sort it out.” She walked a circle, a she-cat on the prowl. “All it took was perfect timing, a dash of patience, a lifelong desire to see you rejected by someone you love…in the same manner Father rejected me.”
Ashleigh spun to face her. “Your rejection?”
Catherine stepped close, sapphire eyes aflame. “Don’t pretend you understand my pain or are ignorant to it.” Her brow rose, pleasure humming in her words. “Your intimate relationship with Michael provided the perfect picture to Sam of what you really are. You call me a pretender? Were you hoping Sam would never find out about your loss of virtue to your fiancé? Michael’s arrival couldn’t have been more opportune.”
Clarity stung revelation into full view. Thin breaths barely gave oxygen. “Michael?” Ashleigh slid her fingertips across her forehead in a vain attempt to gather understanding. “You told Sam that I had been intimate with Michael?” Ashleigh replayed their conversation again. No mention of her father. The ‘visions’ he abhorred were thoughts of her and Michael together – especially as she was taking care of his friend? Oh, Sam.
“Does the truth sting?”
A lifetime of answers clinked into place. Sam’s vehement response. Catherine’s long-standing hatred? Her dogged determination to save the family ‘name’ no matter the cost. “You think Father rejected you?” The words crawled out of her with slow comprehension. “Because of me?”
A frost of tears brimmed in Catherine’s eyes. “You stole all of his affection. He spent secret time with only you, bought you special gifts, called you his ‘little darling’.” She spat out the endearment. “He loved you best and left nothing for the rest of us. No matter how hard I tried to prove myself, to break your bond, he always found you. Even to his dying breath, he called for you at the end. Not me, or mother – but you.”
The Thorn Bearer Page 24
