by Mia Ford
Chapter Eight – Prudence
This is the right thing to do, I think anxiously to myself as I pace up and down in front of Mr. Banker’s door at five to four, impatiently waiting to go inside. This is the way to make it right.
I have honestly been trying my best, genuinely trying to work things out on my own but it isn’t enough. The more I figure out my practical plan, the more I realize that I need to just get out there. I’ve set up some appointments, now I just hope that he’ll agree to my plan. I don’t know if he will, I know that I’m taking a huge risk just by asking him – especially when I think about how weird things are between us – but I have to at least try. There isn’t anyone else I can come to with this.
A creak rings out, the door swings open, and my heart stops dead. Mr. Banker gives me a look that shows he doesn’t quite know how to act around me, before he indicates for me to come inside. I wonder if he’s being weird because my dad just died or because there’s a strange atmosphere hanging in the air between us. I could get sucked in and worried about this, but I’m not going to. This is far too important for me to get blind-sided by my own doubts. This is my future.
“So, Pru,” he says quietly as he takes he seat. “How have things been going?”
“I’ve been doing my homework.” I figure that starting with a positive note is the best way to go. “I’ve been doing a lot of research online and working stuff out. Budgets, apartments, jobs, all of that stuff, like you told me to do. And you were right, I do feel a little more prepared now, but…”
Just as I’m about to launch into the speech that I’ve been practicing all morning, Mr. Banker interrupts me. “Actually, first I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing with your father. I know that must be really hard for you, and I’m sure you’re in a place where you can’t talk about it.”
I hang my head low, blinking back the tears that threaten to come. That’s always there in my mind, circling through me and reminding me that I’m lonely, but I’ve made the conscious decision not to allow it to change things. My father and his choices and actions have controlled my life since I was eight years old when my mother died. Now, I’m the one in charge and I want to focus on that.
“I’m sad.” I half shrug and keep my eyes fixed downwards. “But I’m still going to continue on with my mission. I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted… I don’t know what else I can do.”
Mr. Banker lets out a sympathetic groan and he sighs. “Look, I know it might seem easier right now to push it to one side and forget about it while you’re about to go on this big life journey, but shoving your feelings down isn’t healthy. They’ll come back up eventually.”
I know that he’s right but still I don’t want to get into it. I came here with a mission and it’s one I need to complete. I think after all this time of being introspective has helped me to deal with things on my own. Yes, I’ve had someone to discuss things with from time to time, but most of it I’ve done alone. I’ll be fine, I know it. I nod slowly and smile the brightest one I can manage.
“Honestly, Mr. Banker, I’m okay. I know it’s weird to feel this way, but I suppose he’s been nothing more than a mythical creature somewhere off in the distance for the past five years. Yes, I feel a bit sad without him, but in a way, it’s freeing. This way, I can put my past behind me completely. A big part of me was always worried how things would be when he got out of prison anyway, and now that’s something I’ll never have to face. I won’t have to keep looking over my shoulder and wondering what it’ll be like when we meet. He’s gone, so it’s never going to happen.”
A hollow sensation fills my chest but I cough to cover it up. It’ll be fine, there’s a lot of truth to my words anyway. I won’t have to keep looking around me all the time.
“Right, yeah, okay. I suppose you’re right about that.” Mr. Banker nods. “Well, just know that I’m always going to be here for you if you want to talk. Even if you’re not here anymore. My door will always be open for you. If these feelings do resurface, just come and speak with me.”
“Thank you… that means a lot to me.” I well up again, but this time it’s because I’m so pleased to have met such an awesome person while being in here. It wouldn’t have been half as nice an experience if Mr. Banker wasn’t here. I would still be the shy girl who doesn’t even make eye contact with anyone. I suppose I have come far, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. “I will do.”
“Okay, great. So, would you rather talk about your plans you’ve been making?”
I breathe deeply, trying to regain the confidence I built up outside these office doors. “I would actually, and I think I have a plan about it. One that will help me more than the Internet.”
“Yeah?” Mr. Banker narrows his eyes at me. “Well that sounds positive. What’s that?”
“Well, as I was looking at apartments and jobs I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, but that’s because I feel like maybe I need to see them in real life.” A cringe fills my chest, I don’t know how he’s going to react. “And I know I’m supposed to wait until after my birthday, but I really want to get out of here the moment I can – even more so now my father’s gone.” I feel a bit shit using that as an excuse, but I need to use all the tools I can at my disposal. “So, I set up some for… tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Mr. Banker gushes in shock. “What do you mean, tomorrow? They aren’t going to let you out on your own while you aren’t yet eighteen to do stuff like that. I know you’re keen.”
“I am keen.” Shit he isn’t getting it. I’m going to have to spell it right out. I wanted to avoid this, but it seems I can’t. “Which is why I was thinking you could maybe come with me.”
“You want me.?” He gives me an incredulous look, which isn’t what want. “On a weekend?”
Ah, maybe I didn’t think this through after all. Maybe he has weekend plans, maybe he’s going to be with his girlfriend. This might be terribly inappropriate of me. All of a sudden I feel small and childish as I feel my big plan crumble all around me. I’m just so scared of being forced to get a job while still living in the center while I figure things out. I want to be gone, I’m so done now.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I suppose I didn’t think this through. I just got so carried away.” I shake my head as embarrassment curdles in my stomach. “I’ll call the apartment viewings and job interviews now.”
“You organized all of that since Tuesday?” Mr. Banker asks me, clearly very shocked. “I have to say, Pru, that’s very impressive. Especially for someone like you. I haven’t forgotten how scared and shy you were when you first came here. This is… well, it’s a very big step.”
I nod, but since I no longer trust myself to speak I don’t say anything. What started off as a very important meeting to me has become a pit of shame. I want to get out quick before I make things worse than they already are. I can’t have any sympathy from Mr. Banker, it’ll kill me.
“You know what?” he says while tapping his finger against his chin. “I’ll come with you. It might be hard to swing with the bosses of this place, but I’m sure that if I explain the entire story of you and your past they’ll come around. The fact that you’re doing something so positive for your future will look really good. I’m sure they’ll let me go with you.”
I stare into his eyes for a few moments, trying to work out exactly what’s going behind his gaze. “I don’t want to push you,” I tell him seriously, while pursing out my lips. “I don’t want to take away your weekend. I got so carried away with my plans that I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I’m sure you have plans anyway and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
“No, I don’t have any plans.” I don’t know if I believe him, but Mr. Banker seems willing to give up whatever he’s planning for me, which is nice. “I want to do this for you.”
My heart soars in my chest. Not only am I getting out of here, I’m spending time with Mr. Banker too… my favorite person in the world. With him, I feel like
I can take on anything. I feel like I can get my home and my job, I feel like I can get sorted. I just know it.
“I really appreciate it, Mr. Banker,” I tell him with a nod. “That’s so kind of you.”
“You know, if we’re going in the city together then I think you might have to call me Logan.” The way he grins at me makes my heart race at a million miles an hour. My tummy twists and churns with butterflies flapping all over. “Maybe not even just in the city. You are an adult now after all.”
An adult… I’m an adult. I like how that feels. It gives me a strong sense of control over myself, which is something I haven’t had in a very long time. I think I’m going to love being an adult.
“Okay then, Logan.” It feels really strange to say that. “Thank you, Logan.”
He pushes out his chair to stand up so I do the same. I know it’s time for me to leave but I don’t right away. I stare at him, feeling something monumental shift between us. Now this isn’t just a day out of the center with one of the adults while I figure my life out, this is me and Logan. I’m one of the adults too which makes me feel absolutely incredible.
“Okay, so I will come and pick you up in the morning then. How does eight AM sound?”
“Absolutely perfect,” I say breathily as my emotions run away with me. “That sounds wonderful. My first appointment is at half nine so that gives us time to find out where I need to go.”
He grabs onto a piece of paper and scribbles out some words. “Here is my email address. Why don’t you send me the list tonight so I can figure out a contingency plan? Also, with an hour and a half I’m sure we can go out for breakfast first, get something to eat out of here.”
Oh God, that sounds too romantic for words. All of a sudden, the plan that I had in my mind takes on a brand-new spin and my heart hammers with excitement. Of course, I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’m going to get my heart hurt in the long run, but I can’t stop it.
It won’t be for long anyway. Soon enough, I’ll be moving on and becoming a brand-new version of me. God, I cannot wait.
Chapter Nine – Logan
With Pru sitting on the other side of the car to me, I feel very strange. When discussing this trip with the bosses, I managed to pass it off as a very professional journey, just to help one of the more problematic children move on with what she wants to do, but now it doesn’t feel that way at all. There’s an odd atmosphere between us that I cannot quite put my finger on.
Pru looks different, I think that’s a part of it. She has a dress on today, a simple white slip dress that hangs just above her knees. It’s a very conservative dress, just like the rest of her clothes, but out of the center she looks much more grown up in it. With her pale blonde hair hanging lose, skimming her shoulders, and a wisp of make-up covering her face, she looks good. I want to tell her as much to give her a boost but still I don’t. Still I need to be careful with my words.
“So, there’s a café not far from the first apartment you’ve got a viewing to look at, so I think we should go there for something to eat,” I tell her instead. “Does that sound good to you?”
“Sounds perfect.” She turns and gives me a wide smile. “I can’t wait for some real food.”
“Are you suggesting that the food in the center isn’t top notch?” I tease her playfully.
“No, not at all… but yeah. I suppose you’re right. It can be pretty terrible.”
“I erm…” Pru bites down on her bottom lip. “I don’t have any money with me though.”
“Oh no, I know that. I didn’t think you would. I’m paying, so don’t worry about it.”
I know she’s one of the kids who hasn’t got any money to start with. I did wonder if that would change with the passing of her father, but these things can take time and the center hasn’t heard of anything quite yet. I hope if there is anything it’ll come for her soon to help her out. I don’t think she knows quite how much she’s going to need it. It’s very expensive to live alone.
Eventually, I pull up the car in the nearest car park to the café and I stop the car. Me and Pru get out of the car and walk towards the café. I can’t help looking around to see if people are staring at us, wondering what we’re doing together. I suppose it must look strange… but no one is even bothering to glance my way. It’s just my own guilt making me act like a crazy person, that’s all.
There’s nothing to worry about, I do my best to convince myself. This isn’t weird.
Of course, it is in my head, but that’s only because of all the crazed sexual fantasies I’ve been having. No one knows about that, so there really isn’t anything to worry about. It’s worse right now because we’re out of the center, but I can hold it together… I’m sure of it.
I take Pru into the café, smiling to myself as her eyes light up. This is such a simple thing, the sort of thing that people do all the time, but because of the way Pru’s life has been this is all new and exciting. Her mother passed away when she was young, her father never did anything with her, then she’s been stuck in the center. This is like a vacation for her.
“What do you want to eat?” I ask as we take our seats. “You can have whatever you want off the menu. I don’t know how much choice there is, but I’m sure it’s more than at the center.”
“Ooh. Can I have bacon pancakes?” she gushes. “That sounds amazing.”
“Yes, of course you can! Like I said you can have whatever you want. More, if you like?”
She shakes her head, happy with what she’s decided on, so call the waitress over to order the same for myself too. The waitress gives me a little bit of a curious look as we order our food, but I don’t react to it. There’s a part of me that wants to scream this isn’t a date, but I don’t. That would make me look like the craziest bastard in the whole damn world. But being too defensive, will only make me look even guiltier. I don’t want Pru to think I’m a freak either.
I suppose, if I’m ready to really acknowledge it, there is a chemistry between me and Pru. It’s a deep connection, one that could be interpreted in many different ways. I know she can feel it, probably even more than me, but we cannot talk about it. Ever.
The food arrives and we both eat in near silence. As Pru really enjoys her meal, like it’s the best thing she’s ever eaten in her whole damn life, I ponder over how the day is going to go. I think this might be good for me, it’ll make me really face reality that she’s leaving. Hopefully that will pull all the inappropriate thoughts from my mind. Something has to!
“Right.” Once we’re done, I stand up and indicate for her to follow. “We better get going, your viewing is soon. I’m excited to see this place, it’s a nice area.”
I have a very strong feeling that the apartment here is going to be way out of Pru’s price range, but I’m not going to sully her excitement by pointing that out. This is only a day of looking anyway, she’s not going to settle on anything I’m sure. At least not until she’s been to her job interviews and she’s worked out how she’s going to be paid. It all needs to work together to flow.
“Yes, it does.” I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. Maybe she understands the expense more than I’ve given her credit for. “It’s just the first one of many, but I had to start somewhere.”
As we walk across the road next to one another, I’m acutely aware of every inch of her body. I know that I could easily reach across to hold her hand, to go the whole hog and act like I’m her boyfriend, which is a weird thought. I never ever want to hold anyone’s hand!
Thankfully when we get into the building, the realtor is there waiting in the lobby, which saves us an agonizing journey up to the fifth floor in the elevator. I don’t know if I’d be able to survive that sexual tension without someone here to break it. The realtor is chatty, so it’s completely distracting.
“Have you looked at many places?” she asks me and Pru as if we’re together. I look away, refusing to meet her eyes to allow Pru to answer instead. Hopefully she’ll make it clear.
“No, this is the first place I’ve seen,” Pru says with a coy excitement. “So, I’m really looking forward to it. I might not be able to make any decisions right away until I’ve seen a few…”
“Oh no, I completely understand,” the realtor reassures her. “Don’t worry about it. I know what it’s like. You have to check out a few places before you can decide. Just know that I do have a few people interested, so if this is the home you want you might have to move quickly.”
Pru looks worried, but I roll my eyes. I know this is a trick, realtors always say things like that to make people feel panicked into making a decision. When we get a moment alone, I’ll make sure Pru knows not to be bullied into anything that she isn’t one hundred percent sure of. The last thing I want is for her to start her new life wrong. I don’t want her to take on a home that she cannot afford.
I’ll help her not to make that mistake, that’s why I’m here after all.
Inside the apartment, I’m quite impressed. It’s a fairly nice place with a bit of space, but I don’t want to like it too much because I know it won’t work out for Pru. She’s going to have to set her sights unfortunately much lower. The realtor gives her the spiel about the place, but I barely listen. I wander over to the window and take a look out at the city as I do. It’s a big wide world out there, a scary place for anyone. I don’t think I’ve ever considered how much more frightening it is for some of our kids. They don’t have the life experience to survive. Someone keeps tabs on them, but I haven’t ever really bothered before. I know I will with Pru, I’ll have to know how she is.
